I have a similar issue with my younger sister, who seems to really want kids (and more than one), but keeps waiting until her and her husband are more ready and done doing "their thing". She is turning 34 in a month and I'm pretty sure she isn't going to even start trying for another year. I try not to upset her, but I can't help but tell her that she is really rolling the die waiting so long to even try to get pregnant. She points though to me (I had my first at 30, second at 32 and third right after turning 35) and my mother (had her first at 32, second at 34 and my sister at 37) and thinks it will all work out fine.

I hope for her sake it does, but I think there is such a big difference between having your first at 35 (or TRYING to have your first at 35) and having your 2-3 kid at that age...

Sigh...her life though...

Anonymous wrote:I've been thinking about this topic lately as I am TTC at 34 and it's taking longer than I imagined. I didn't "wait", but didn't find my partner until 32.

My very best friend in the world is 35 and has desperately wanted to settle down since she was in her late 20's. She has an incredibly accomplished career, but really the one thing she wants is a marriage and children - and it's been so frustrating and hard for her. She'd give her career up in a heartbeat for this, but she's just not meeting anyone.

My question is this: She's 35 now. I don't want to freak her out, and I don't want to hurt her feelings - but I've thought about bringing up the option of freezing her eggs. I know how important a family is to her, and I know she'd never think of this on her own as she's so focused on meeting someone when she's not working.

Maybe I'll wait a year and see what happens.

If you are going bring the issue at all, do it sooner rather than later. In all likelihood, more than a year will pass before the the topic is brought up and the first biologically relevant action is taken. Also, the older your friend gets, the more (rather than less) comfortable you might get talking about the topic at all.

I also have have a very good friend who will soon be 44. A few years ago, I started pressing upon her to have children (not realizing myself it was maybe too late for her). She was reluctant at first, only to gradually become obsessed with it. I am now avoiding the topic altogether since I think her chances are slim and that she might resent me.

Nice to see that so many people are optimistic! My natural state was to be pessimistic about my chances and how long it would take!

Also wanted to say that my understanding is that freezing your owneggs has a low success rate and can not be relied upon.

When I was in my late 20's, my mom started harping at me about freezing my eggs and my declining fertility. I was happily single at that point. But, I dutifully brought it up to my gyn, who laughed at me and said that she had her first baby in her early 40's and not to worry yet. In retrospect, I don't think she should have been as blase about it and instead she could have taken the time to discuss seriously age-related infertility issues.

That said, I've been one of the lucky ones. I read certain topics on this board now because I'm contemplating trying for #3 in my late 30's. I want to be realistic about my chances and to understand that it is extremely possible that I will experiences losses if I embark on this journey. It isn't for the faint of heart.

Anonymous wrote:

I'm very surprised that so many people were unaware of the deline of fertility. I am currently pregnant with my second and will soon be 39 and have been accutely aware of my declining fertility since... well... since my mid 20s.

I think that a lot of women, maybe most women, are aware that it's harder to get pregnant when you're 40 than when you're 20. I think where there may be ignorance is how steep the decline is. For example, if someone thinks that it takes two months on average to get pregnant when you're 20 and six months on average to get pregnant when you're 45, that shows they understand there's a decline, but they are still WAY overestimating the ease of getting pregnant in one's 40s.

I think this is pretty close to the truth. I was of course aware of the decline, but not of the slope of the decline. And it seemed that, since I would spend 5 years being 40-44 there was still plenty of chance to get pregnant once, and maybe even twice. So I didn't even think about it before I turned 35.

I am one of the ones that thought I would be an exception. . . but I was always aware that I wanted to get on with having babies, I just didn't have a partner. Unless it was a one-on-one conversation with someone I trusted, maybe someone who had been through it and become a single mom, I would have been deeply offended at a coworker just deciding to tell me to get a "move on". I didn't need reminders that I was single and didn't want to be.

From a single mom, who in conversation learned that it was my back up plan, I would have taken the advice much better.

But I don't think it's something to gratuitously run around telling women to do. My parents gave me endless grief about "missing the boat" by not being married, the reproductive stuff to some extent just became noise.

I'm very surprised that so many people were unaware of the deline of fertility. I am currently pregnant with my second and will soon be 39 and have been accutely aware of my declining fertility since... well... since my mid 20s.

I think that a lot of women, maybe most women, are aware that it's harder to get pregnant when you're 40 than when you're 20. I think where there may be ignorance is how steep the decline is. For example, if someone thinks that it takes two months on average to get pregnant when you're 20 and six months on average to get pregnant when you're 45, that shows they understand there's a decline, but they are still WAY overestimating the ease of getting pregnant in one's 40s.

I've posted on this before. I agree that women just think it's no problem getting pregnant later. When I was in my mid-thirties, I found myself looking at celebraties my age or slightly older that were having babies and thinking if she can do it, so can I. Well, looking back, I am not so sure they didn't have help and I was fooling myself.

I met DH when I was 32, got married at 34, pregnant at 37, but a m/c, then pregnant again almost immediately. Healthy baby at 38. Lots of strain on our marriage with DD added. DH kept thinking we could wait since I seemed to get pregnant so easily. Well, we waited unti I was over 40 to try again. Three misses later, we gave up. I was so old that my only option to avoid the misses would have been DE. Having one miracle with DD was going to have to be enough for me.

I got a new job, less stress, and got pregnant at almost 44. Baby is now 6 months old and I am 45 years old.

Both DH and I thought "no problem". Well, we had a problem. I started looking at my DD that is now almost 7 and thinking she was my miracle. I know I am lucky. I so wish someone had explained to my husband that we should have started trying sooner, even for no. 1.

Women now at least have the option of freezing eggs to have a biological child. But, it's expensive. If I had my life to live again, I would have done it at 30, before meeting DH, but at least the eggs would have been available to use for IVF. For those of us of AMA now, that option wasn't available for us.

Famous women having babies in their forties does a disservice to the general population if they don't say they had interventions. It's a shame.

Anonymous wrote:I tell people when it is appropriate because I think many are not aware of the big difference between getting pregnant at 38 and getting pregnant for the first time at 38. They see women they know having kids at 37, 38, 40, 41, and they don't necessarily think about the percentage of those women who have already had children. The stats are quite different.

What do the different stats look like? I've been trying to find them. If you have additional info, please post. Thanks!

I think most people know. I think they just hope they won't have a problem when they are at the point where they want/can gave kids. Some people don't have a choice but to wait until late 30's. If you don't meet the right person until then, you can't do much about it.

I'm very surprised that so many people were unaware of the deline of fertility. I am currently pregnant with my second and will soon be 39 and have been accutely aware of my declining fertility since... well... since my mid 20s.

I didn't meet my husband until I was almost 33. As soon as it became clear that we were planning to spend our life together -- and before we actually got married-- we started trying to get pregnant. I was 35 by then. I always assumed it would be difficult and was fully prepared for a long hard struggle. Ultimately it only took about six months (and some surgeries) to conceive our first child. And then, although my preference was for a three year age gap we started trying for a second much earlier because, again, we thought it might be difficult to get pregnant due to age. We were right and I had two miscarriages in the six months before this pregnancy (about to enter the third trimester).

I absolutely would have tried earlier if I had a partner in my late 20s or early 30s. At that point in my life everywhere I turned I seemed to be hearing abotu declining fertility as you age. Hearing this from a colleague telling me to get a move on with having children would certainly have offended me and made me feel inadequate for not yet having a partner in my life. I can't imagine how anyone would have avoided knowing this (though I guess I understand that some people think it won't apply to them... I felt the opposite).

Anonymous wrote:Here is the link to the stats for fertility between 35-40

http://www.babycenter.com/0_chart-the-effect-of-age-on-fertility_6155.bc

Thanks, PP who posted this. What I don't like about this is that the black line on this chart reflects how likely you are to be able to get pregnant, and things don't look so terrible for the 40-44 age category. I'm what my RE calls a "fertile 41 year old" because wow I can get pregnant easily. Without an RE, even! It doesn't really matter though because I miscarry and miscarry and miscarry. We know that at least one of these m/cs was due to a chromosomal issue, and we're pretty sure it's all age-related. The chart I'd want to see is the chart showing the likelihood of getting pregnant with a pregnancy that results in a livebirth broken down by age.

Don't care.

I hope a non-TTC perspective is also welcome. I had several friends and a SIL with fertility issues and it affected me strongly. I decided to try to finish childbearing by age 35. My reasoning was that the only way to find out you have problems is by trying and if I waited it might be too late. Had my first at age 30, which would be too young for many in the DC area.

I think one of the best things you can encourage younger women to do is to read 'Taking Charge of Your Fertility.' Regardless of when they are thinking of starting a family, this book is such a wealth of information.

I got the book at age 30 after six month of TTC. I was amazed at how much I had to learn about my own reproductive system. I think it's the first step to realizing 'wow, there is a lot that goes into this. This may not be as easy as those scare-mongering stories I heard at 16 led me to believe...'