Is it offensive if someone introduces you as someone's partner as opposed to someone's spouse or wife? What if you were not married because of state laws but want to be and consider your SO as your spouse, is it offensive?

NotSoAnonymous wrote:Question:Broadly speaking, how do you find you are received among hetero couples with kids (not like really close friends, but when you are forming acquaintances)?

Answer: Generally pretty well, especially among people my age (35) or younger. I have a lot in common with moms of toddlers, people who have moved here from the Midwest, and so many other things.

If people are uncomfortable they tend to go quiet and disengage- that's their right.

I'm shy and tend to be somewhat quiet around people I don't know well. If we met, I wonder if you'd think I was uncomfortable with your choices vs. just being me.

Q: OP, where are you from? Are you in a gay friendly community now?

It is not easy to make friends here. Most of the of the people I know are "closed". The people I know who are actually from here are over the top nosy and "what can you do for me". All in all, the area is unhealthily competitive, not the good kind. It brings people to drastic measures (including feigned ignorance) because of the jealousy. It really sucks. Any opportunity to dig at you. Mind you this is not everyone I know.


A: I am from small town Midwest. Not even a little gay friendly. I live in Virginia now (I know, I know- but I wanted affordable good schools for my kid!!). My neighborhood is diverse but as far as I know we are the only gay family. Making friends at this age is HARD.

We are thinking of joining a UU congregation in Arlington. It's near us, right now it's hard with the little ones. We don't stay at home.

How do you want people to introduce you? Like if I was introducing you to my husband. "Honey, this is Mary and her wife Jane." "This is Mary and her spouse Jane."

I wouldn't know what to say.

Q: Is one person in your relationship more masculine/feminine? Do you find strangers willing to bend over backwards to try to include you and defend you on your behalf because you are gay in the way some people try way too hard to be PC? And if yes, is that strange and does that make you feel like excluded despite the good intentions?

A: I am probably more masculine than my partner in the traditional sense, though I would ask that everyone challenge their ideas of what is masculine or feminine. I would not be considered "butch" by my own community, nor do I self identify in that way. Think sportyish ll bean type.

I think the way glbt people win equality is only through our allies. We need people of conscious speaking up, but not speaking *for* us if that makes sense. In the same way that I will speak out against a racist comment, but do not have the intimate understanding of living my life as a racial minority.

Q: OP, Is race a large issue for the GLBT community? I saw it mentioned on the other threads that there is discrimination ecen within the community.

A: I think race is a big issue in America in general. We have a long way to go. I also think it is difficult for those who are twice oppressed to to having more than one minority status. We don't get very far when we rank oppressions, but it is natural I think to try to find corralaries when trying to make a point.

Q:OP-do have what's considered a civil union? What do you mean by legally married? Did you have a ceremony? How accepting are you and your wife's family? Stupid question, but why do you feel there is so much anti-gay marriage sentiment in the general public? PS-thanks for answering the TP roll question.

I have a marriage. Just like anyone who is married in the District. We had a ceremony at the courthouse with family and friends. Our families are very accepting, perhaps even moreso now that we have kids. Not a stupid question, I think that there is so much anti equal marriage sentiment due to homophobia, which is often based in sexism. I think that people fear what they don't understand.

Re making friends: Do you belong to a faith community? Or would you be interested in one? It can be a great way to meet folks whose lives aren't completely centered around work, competition, and achievement, and many in DC are welcoming to GLBT families. If so, what would you look for to know that you are welcomed and valued?

I belong to a UCC church that is open and affirming (which is UCC-speak for gay-friendly). But we seem to be a more comfortable fit for gay men than lesbian women, for reasons we are trying to discern. It would be helpful to know what would appeal to you and your family, and what would be a turn-off.

Appreciate your openness and desire to educate and connect.

Anonymous wrote:Does one of you SAH? If so, who does you/your wife hang out with during the day, and do you know what gay SAHD's do? I'm a straight SAHD in a Dad's group and very rarely run into a gay SAHD.

I don't want to hijack OP's thread -- I'm the married gay adoptive dad PP -- but I too haven't yet met a gay SAHD. (My hubby and I work different shifts so DS is in daycare only 4 hours a day. Of course this means I only see the hubby on weekends). I am home in the mornings with DS and we just play and occasionally have a neighbor friend over.

And briefly: We had prepared ourselves for all kinds of confrontations and angry looks etc after we adopted (our son is black and we are white, so it's somewhat obvious, although I guess when only one of us is out with him people might think he's biracial since he is somewhat light-skinned and has fuzzy curly hair as opposed to really tight curls), but have been pleasantly surprised at the lack of such events. Other than a few curiosity-driven questions and the occasional confused look, there's been nothing beyond "omg that baby is adorable."

OK, hijack over.

Does one of you SAH? If so, who does you/your wife hang out with during the day, and do you know what gay SAHD's do? I'm a straight SAHD in a Dad's group and very rarely run into a gay SAHD.

Anonymous wrote:What well intentioned acts or statements do straight people do/say that irritate you? I ask because I realize I would like to be able to tell my gay friends and colleagues that I'm all for marriage equality, don't view them as deviant or harmful, and think that they should be treated just like everyone else. In a nutshell, "I support you and who you are even though there is a vocal crowd out there that may believe differently." What I DON'T want to do is be offensive in my clumsy effort to show support.

I'd appreciate your thoughts on how to be a supportive friend/colleague without being a clueless ass!

My question, too. It would be nice to know how to be welcoming without being weird and annoying about it.

What well intentioned acts or statements do straight people do/say that irritate you? I ask because I realize I would like to be able to tell my gay friends and colleagues that I'm all for marriage equality, don't view them as deviant or harmful, and think that they should be treated just like everyone else. In a nutshell, "I support you and who you are even though there is a vocal crowd out there that may believe differently." What I DON'T want to do is be offensive in my clumsy effort to show support.

I'd appreciate your thoughts on how to be a supportive friend/colleague without being a clueless ass!

How do gay female couples generally handle having children? Do they usually adopt or use a sperm donor?

How does engagement and marriage work? By that I mean, I knew a gay couple who was engaged/living in a state that did not have marriage equality. Do some couples choose to have a ceremony only? Do they wait until gay marriage is legalized by the state? Do they get married in a state that allows it, and is the marriage recognized in other states?

OP, where are you from? Are you in a gay friendly community now?

It is not easy to make friends here. Most of the of the people I know are "closed". The people I know who are actually from here are over the top nosy and "what can you do for me". All in all, the area is unhealthily competitive, not the good kind. It brings people to drastic measures (including feigned ignorance) because of the jealousy. It really sucks. Any opportunity to dig at you. Mind you this is not everyone I know.

NotSoAnonymous wrote:Q: OP, do you have any questions for US while this conversation is going along?

A: Sure- how *do* you make friends in this town?

It's pretty much impossible. I've been thinking about moving as I'm growing sick of it. The only people I know who this city works really really well for long term grew up in the DC metro area and therefore have a lot of friends they grew up with around here.