OP, I can feel the pain and anxiety in your post.

First, with regards to your premie... congratulations on your little one, and as premies go, 35 weeks is typically a very good prognosis in terms of major medical issues. Without knowing any specific issues that you might be dealing with, the chance are well on your side that you will have a healthy, beautiful little infant to bring home and love. You will look back at this time of major stress and marvel that you are stronger than you know. I feel for any mom with a premie, and the thought of you heaping extra stress on yourself is so sad.

I think what you need is some self-compassion. I do believe that if we each had to list our biggest regrets in life and our decisions we wish we had done differently a parent, you would feel better. But you don't get to see those lists, so it is easy to feel like a "bad mom." Please treat yourself as you would treat a friend - not judgmental and with understanding. You deserve the same compassion that I'm betting you give others.

Best of luck with your new baby, and with taking good care of yourself during this very stressful time.

With my first I felt terrified and guilty. Didn't know I was pg so was drinking no folic acid and got Botox for first time the week he was conceived. He appears to be fine but still I worry and feel guilty. Number two was full term but very low birthweight ---my ped said that she was like a 35 weeker , healthy but small and sleepy, --and I beat myself up for working a ton including travel at 35 weeks, not eating well,eating soft cheese, getting food poisoning and losing lots of weight, being an older mom etc. there is noevidence I did anything wrong and dd seems fine so far but I do carry around guilt that I didn't take enough care of her when I was pregnant. I thonk this anxiety id compounded in the early weeks too...esp when you are not sleeping and looking for signs that something is wrong. But she is here now and I do my best to love and nurture her.


Plus 35 weekers do great!!!!! Try to let go of the past, as you have a lifetime to continue questioning whether you are doing the right thing by your kids and worry about the unknowns---it doesn't really end so all you can do is love them.

Two abortions for me, and two full-term enormous babies. Best friend had no abortions and two preemies. We're not a big enough sample group, but I hope it reassures you in some way.

You are searching for answers, and this seems like a reasonable place to pin your anger and focus. It may be, it may not be, either way there's nothing you can do about it but move on from here and do the best you can.

I was, for a lot of reasons, very very hard on my first son from the time he was 2 - almost 4. I never hit him or anything like that, but was super-strict, and one night I hissed my anger in his face. I stepped back from the ledge and have stayed very far from it since. I have so much shame and regret and anger at potentially affecting his whole future life with my anger. Every time he has any emotional reaction that seems angry, I wonder if I have "ruined him." The truth is that he's a fantastic kid, warm, loving, kind, empathetic, and good. If I affected him, and I may well have, it's only a part of what I did for him. And every time I start to worry, I just (literally) tell myself: It is what it is. Its over and done. Move on and move UP and count your blessings.

All you can do is the best you can do, from here on out. You're going to love being a mother. Enjoy.

Please don't beat yourself up. We all have regrets in life and certain things we would do differently if we could turn back time; that's natural. But you did what seemed right in the circumstances, and you have to just accept that and let go. Besides, I doubt your abortions were tied to your baby's early birth. That's conjecture, not fact. Just focus on loving your baby. Sounds like you're a great mom.

I'm so sorry, OP. You and your baby deserve a calm, happy, and rich life. You do and the baby does. We all do the best we can with what we have at the time. I say this as someone who doesn't think abortion is the best moral choice. I've made choices I'm ashamed of in the past, I'm sure I'll make bad choices in the future. What I wish for both of us is self-forgiveness and strength.

Let go of your past pain. Be in the moment of the joy you have now.

Seriously, thank you all so much. I'm so impressed and touched by the thoughtfulness and compassion in all of these comments. It's strange yet so nice that this made me feel less alone.

Dear OP,

Please, step away from the internet. Especially about this hot button issue. God the images alone.

Away.

Step towards someone that will listen, a therapist or a social worker. Heal the past.

At the same time, look for what's ahead? You say your child was in the NICU, so he's not anymore right? He doesn't know what happened in the past, he just knows there is his mother, and he's looking to you for his future. So, its what you do from here on in that makes the difference to him.

Dear op and everyone else on this thread who has had a pregnancy that has gone, well, let's say not according to the plan. Here are some words direct from my doctor...

when you first pee on the stick you become a mom right then and there in the toilet. A mother's job is to worry and nurture and do absolutely everything in her power to protect her child. When something goes wrong, it is the mothers instinct to blame herself. Your concern, your feelings of guilt, your passion for your childs well being all of these prove that you are a great mother. If you weren't you wouldn't be obsessing.

Op, Congrats on the birth of your beautiful son! Some babies born early go to nicu, some on time nicu, some late nicu....keep that in mind...this bAby and your future baby are lucky to have you as a mom

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. Just kindness and acceptance gives me an enormous amount of perspective and some calm. In my rational mind, l know that there is an enormous amount of propaganda out there. I guess I just always expected to be "punished" in some way and instead I feel like the poor baby is suffering.

Of course, PP, I just freaked out about folic acid when I started to read your post. I need a grip.

I didn't have an abortion but still ended up with a child in the NICU and a premature birth and I felt guilty. That is completely normal. I felt the same guilt in a subsequent pregnancy when I had very unexpected complications that led to an even earlier birth. My kids have SNs, so more guilt there.

However, I think you need to seek help in dealing with your choice. I don't doubt at all that at the time it seemed like a logical decision. But once you actually see a baby (which you wouldn't in an early abortion) suffer, it can definitely make you feel depressed and guilty. You now understand better what the "other side" of your choice might have looked like, and that it overwhelming in and of itself. I think that if you come to terms with your decision and the fact that at the time if was the right choice, you will likely be a better parent. Don't try to seek absolution from an anonymous message board, especially not DCUM.

Sending good thoughts your way, I hope your baby gets discharged soon!

I was born at 34 weeks and my mother had never had an abortion. As others have said, there are tons of reasons for babies to be premature. Try not to beat yourself up. And yes, it does sound like you may be having some PPD. Get yourself to a doctor and get some help with it.

I'm an earlier commenter who said to not worry about this and to stop beating yourself up, but I had another thought today - if this was really a problem for your body, you would have miscarried or really had a preemie. You made it to 35 weeks, okay not 100% ideal, but still. I don't mean this with any insensitivity at all because I'm totally on your side here, but if you had really messed up your body you would have miscarried.

You've gotten a ton of support here, some from women with direct experience. Try not to beat yourself up anymore, baby needs you!

I work in an OBs office. You would really be surprised at how many people have had 3+ abortions. It's just that nobody talks about it openly. And the vast majority of them are totally fine. As long as the procedure was done safely and without complications, I highly doubt that it contributed to your preterm labor. Seriously, sooooooooo many people have had multiple abortions. And as many PPs have said, 5 weeks early is really not bad at all. Your baby is going to be just fine. If your OB things that you have an issue with incompetent cervix, they can place a cerclage during any future pregnancies. Do not beat yourself up.

FWIW, I too have had 3 abortions and delivered a perfectly healthy, full-term baby in my mid-thirties and am now pregnant with my second. You should stop beating yourself up about this, find a way to work through it and move beyond to a better state of motherhood for yourself and your child. You made the best decision for you at the time. Give yourself some credit for that, OP! I don't regret my terminations at all and I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

Anonymous wrote:I had three terminations from the time I was 22 - 28. They all seemed justifiable at the time but I am horrified by my irresponsibility -- I'm pro choice obviously but I used the procedure irresponsibly and inappropriately. I have huge regrets and shame. Recently I gave birth early. My OB says it is not tied to the procedures but I see that multiple abortions are listed as a risk factor for preterm birth on every website book etc. there is.

I can't live with myself. I have never experienced guilt or pain like this before but I really do not care at all about me -- I feel sick for what I have done to my innocent child. He was in the NICU because of my past recklessness and stupidity. I am going to therapy of course for him. But I don't know how I will be able to cope of there is something wrong with him due to his prematurity -- and there very well could be.

Stop blaming yourself immediately! Many, many things can be risk factors for preterm birth. I have a friend who has three children and every single one was preterm and, to the best of my knowledge, she never had an abortion. There will be PPs who will encourage your guilt but don't believe them. Good luck to you and your son.

As for the "punishing" thing, I personally believe that the guilt is in the way you frame your past experience.

We are all revisionist historians, constantly revising our past to suit our present state of mind.

If you are feeling guilty now about your past, consider what it is that you are feeling guilty about. Why do you feel like you need to be punished?

... need not answer on the forum... just musings...