If you can find a daycare by your work, you can go over lunch break and nurse or give your child a bottle. That made a big difference to me to be able to spend 45 minutes with my son in the middle of the day. I'm sorry about your situation. It's so hard to balance making money to support your family with actual family time.

As others have said, you may find that your priorities change once you try this for a while. But there are many kids who are in daycare that long and turn out fine. Just make sure you LOVE your daycare!

We have a similar situation, and opted for daycare very near my office to get around it. Two big pros to this: first, DS is in care for far less time. Still have the commute, but he comes along for it so that's time we get to spend together. (However, it's not two hours for us, so not sure how I'd feel about having him in the car or on the train for that long...) Second, and key, is that we can get to him much faster at the end of the day (no transit or traffic delays to contend with, which are $$$ if you're late even by a few minutes!) Good in case of an emergency, too.

I'm hoping that we will eventually be able to shift hours so that one of us goes in early and one goes in later, too, but haven't tackled that yet.

Anonymous wrote:Daycare near one of your offices will cut 90 minutes off of that.

But really only if you can commute by metro, or have both parents on the ride. 11 hours of daycare isn't great, but 9 hours of daycare and 2 hours facing the back of the car, isn't going to be any better.

Anonymous wrote:Any way you could move near ONE of your jobs? Then daycare + house + one parent's workplace are relatively close. They would obviously have to bear the majority of the daycare pickup/dropoff duty. And when that person was home sick (or whatever) the other parent could drop off relatively easily, since DCP is near home.

This is what we did. I work in DC, and DH works in Loudon County. We live in DC. I have a very short commute, his is long (but against traffic). He does drop off on his way to work, I do pickup. But our DD is only in the car 5 minutes each way to day care, and she's only in care about 8 hours a day. I would much rather have my child in high quality care without me, than spending two hours a day in the car with me.

Anonymous wrote:Daycare near one of your offices will cut 90 minutes off of that.

I would much rather have my baby away from me but with good caregivers an extra 90 minutes a day than strapped into a car seat for 90 minutes a day. If you commute by Metro my answer changes a little, but even then that's a lot of stress for a kid for not much real interaction ability. When DS was briefly in a downtown daycare our commute (25 min on Metro) consistently wrecked his napping for the day. It was nice getting to snuggle him, but I was glad to find him a daycare 5 min from home so he could spend that hour of his day playing rather than commuting.
Once a kid is old enough to converse with you from the backseat, the tradeoffs also shifts, although I *still* think playtime at daycare beats commuting.

Change jobs, move, flex-schedule, SAH, telecommute, cut back on expenses...

You have options, make it work and just do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who has a 10 year old now. Yes, of course we knew it was going to be a sacrifice. We knew before he was born that he would have to spend a lot of time in daycare. Obviously, I could never have anticipated how hard it was going to be on me to take him there and leave him there (because I had never been the mother to a child before). Still, I'm glad we did it. I'm sure DS is happy to be alive rather than have us choose not to bring him into this world because of having to leave him in daycare for a long time as an infant.

This is an absurd statement.

No, it's not. I'm a PP who agrees with the idea or feeling this poster is trying to get across. Let's not be doom and gloom, people. Yes, a lot of constructive advice has been given. We get it: see if you can telework or ask for flex time. But if you can't, move on and try to see that this is more about you/the adult, than the kid.
Also, I have to say that NO ONE, no matter how amazing you are, and how amazing your marriage is, and your ability to have these talks pre-kid, can know what it's like to be a parent until you ARE ONE. Right? Who can claim that power? There just isn't a way. I was lucky enough to be able to tell my husband that I *thought* I would want to continue working after #1, but that I wanted to reserve the right not to, since I knew I would be tugged in the opposite direction and be overhwhelmed with all the emotions that one feels as a parent. But a lot of people don't have this luxury. So, let's be kind to those who don't, and who seek advice from DCUM on solutions, rather than a bunch of "coulda shoulda" statements.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who has a 10 year old now. Yes, of course we knew it was going to be a sacrifice. We knew before he was born that he would have to spend a lot of time in daycare. Obviously, I could never have anticipated how hard it was going to be on me to take him there and leave him there (because I had never been the mother to a child before). Still, I'm glad we did it. I'm sure DS is happy to be alive rather than have us choose not to bring him into this world because of having to leave him in daycare for a long time as an infant.

This is an absurd statement.

Anonymous wrote:Do people seriously not think about these kids of things until after their child is already here? You are pregnant for NINE months - why are you just freaking out now?

This is what I always wonder because, apparently, there are a lot of people who never plan or think about child care before they even get pregnant? Mind boggling.

There was just a thread about this in the daycare forum. I posted there as well. My child has been in daycare since 6 mo, and I do think it is hard on them to be there that long. It is a long day for them and depending on the day care, things go downhill at the end of the day. I have huge guilt about it and it kills me when he is there late.

I have a college student who picks him up a few times a week early and takes him home, and then I just head straight home. It's great. He is only in day care about 6.5 hours (daycare is downtown-- we use metro and it is a challenge, but can be fun since now we read together and look at the trains, etc).

we had our daughter in daycare for 10 hours a day for the first 2.5 years of her life. it wasn't ideal, but it also wasn't avoidable. (we lived in fairfax and i work in dc, and i'm a single mom, so i'm doing both the dropoff and pickup.) it also wasn't a major deal - she got used to it.

it was a major factor in our move to arlington this past summer, though. now she's in preschool 9 hours a day, which feels better. believe me, if I could shorten that, i would, but i have to work an 8-hour day. (I couldn't support us working part-time.)

I'm the PP who has a 10 year old now. Yes, of course we knew it was going to be a sacrifice. We knew before he was born that he would have to spend a lot of time in daycare. Obviously, I could never have anticipated how hard it was going to be on me to take him there and leave him there (because I had never been the mother to a child before). Still, I'm glad we did it. I'm sure DS is happy to be alive rather than have us choose not to bring him into this world because of having to leave him in daycare for a long time as an infant.

Do people seriously not think about these kids of things until after their child is already here? You are pregnant for NINE months - why are you just freaking out now?

I don't want to be offering inplausible solutions, BUT, OP, have you had your baby yet, or are you expecting? (Hopefully you are expecting because it would be silly to realize this AFTER you've popped out a kid).

Look, we all have the 'work/life balance' discussion before the first kid. One of you likely has the more flexible job; one of you might need to scale down travel or evening/weekend hours for a while; one of you has the better health insurance and needs to be more devoted to the job so you don't get laid off. It's all a big juggling act.

You do know that you will take off at least 2-3 days per month during the first year or two for a sick kid, right? And that your kid will be fine but that you'll get a call at 11am saying that your baby has a fever or bumped their head and you need to pick them up NOW (and possibly bring them to the ER)? Both of you working an hour from daycare will make that tough. It will also be just as tough to commute with your child (or, for that matter, a sick/injured child back home).

You can't have it all unless you make sacrifices or, dear god, SUCK UP to your boss and then ASK for telework. Going in one or two days a week will make this a lot easier, unless you go part time (which would be silly with your commute) or unless one of you gets a different job. Or, you make enough that you can afford a nanny.
Put together a telework proposal for the first 6 months that has you on telework at LEAST 2 days a week. See if DH can do the same so one of you is home.

You should at least ask your employer if you can adjust your hours. I'm often amazed at what people are given just because they asked (in a well-thought out manner). A woman I work with got to tele-work for months after the birth of her first child - when hardly anyone was being allowed to telework. She just did her research and prepared a formal proposal. I don't know that her bosses really wanted to let her do it, but when presented the proposal it seemed that they suddenly felt like they couldn't say no.

My DH and I shifted our schedules around so as to minimize time in daycare. But, still they are at daycare for 9-10 hours. Not long after my first was born, I was desparate to find a new job closer to home so I could spend more time with him and less commuting. But that didn't work out and got used to our arrangement.