1. There are some crazy women on this thread

2. OP, if you fear for the safety of your children, you need to escalate this. Seriously. Get to counseling now and set up a plan. There is a point at which you have to put your kids first. Forget your marriage, your children are your priority. Your DW may stay lost for the next 10 years, you have time - they don't. Sorry to be blunt but there is nothing you can do. She is an adult. Don't let the dysfunction travel to the next generation. While you are running around worrying about your wife, your kids will be the ones being molested by a babysitter.

Seriously

1. Counseling for you
2. Plan in place for children

eing nothing but super sweet and passive to someone who is depressed will just let her increasingly spiral downwards.

Being judgmental and critical will push her over the edge. Kicking her while she is down is not going to help her get better.

I had an abuse and neglectful childhood and for a long time my DH blamed EVERYTHING that went wrong in our lives on my childhood, without taking any responsibility for anything himself. It wasn't until I went into therapy that I realized that I had already dealt with my childhood. What I had to deal with was him.

Seriously why do all the man haters come out in these threads? If this was a woman posting that her husband had a mental illness and had completely detached and was acting in a way that was detrimental to the kids the responses wouldn't be to blame her.

Deal with your own issues so you stop projecting them onto others. His wife has a mental illness - he didn't cause it. They need help and he is reaching out. How hard is it to be supportive and offer something.

Being nothing but super sweet and passive to someone who is depressed will just let her increasingly spiral downwards. Bringing her tea in bed isn't going to make her depression vanish. As her husband if he doesn't get help for her or help her help herself, who will?

Didn't the OP have a thread going a while back about not having enough sex because his wife was depressed? And how it made him resentful?

OP--It can be too easy to blame your DW childhood for all her problems (that is what my DH did), instead of looking to see if you are at the root of or contributing to her depression. Do not use her childhood as a weapon against her. She was victimized once by her parents, do not make her be victimized again by you.

OP The first thing that you need to do is BE NICE. Unhappiness in a marriage (e.g., over-critical, disapproving, judgmental spouse) and translate into a depressed spouse and thus, poor emotional response with children.

DW may have had a bad childhood, but that may not be the root of her depression. My childhood sucked, but being married to a critical, cold spouse is what pushed me over the edge and sadly, my children did feel the effects.

She is in there somewhere, the person you married. Let her know that you know she is there, however far away she feels from herself or the world.

OP--I hope that when you discuss this with her you are not coming across as condescending, judgmental or critical. That is the exact worst thing that a spouse of a depressed individual should do. You DW is feeling badly enough about herself, her life, and her parenting without you making things worse by showing your disapproval. You definitely need to help her seek professional intervention, but it needs to be done in a loving and supportive manner, if not, your are going to make her get much worse.

Hopefully your wife will get the help she needs to deal with you.

You are doing the right thing. Keep asking and looking for help until you find the right program. Your children and DW are lucky to have a good, caring person to help them through this. Wish I had a specific recommendation for you.

It sounds OP like she is almost at the point where she might need inpatient services. Something intensive for a couple weeks to figure out what is going on and what direction to take. Not being able to leave her alone with the kids and her detachment from everyone around her means this is getting serious. Does she threaten to hurt herself or commit suicide?

It sounds like she needs a lot more than a community therapist. I would contact a mental health association in your area and get some support for yourself and also maybe some ideas of other resources. There was a thread of mental health resources posted here a few months ago but I can't find it when I search.

When a Parent is Depressed: how to Protect Your Children from the Effects of Depression in the Family by Beardslee - good book.
Wishing you well.

You've gotten some really good resposes. I especially liked 11:13. I, too, had a traumatic childhood and having kids of my own really brought back bad memories and I suffered greatly for a long time. It was like I as being re-traumatized and it took so much mental energy just to get through the day that I had no reserve. I lost y resiliency. Therapy didn't help me as much as medication did but perhaps it wasn't the right therapist. You sound like a really caring person and your DW and kids are lucky to have you. Big hugs to you.

OP - when I have asked her about how she seems herself as a mom or what kind of parent she wants to be she will say that she is trying to be more available to them or to interact with them.

I agree with a PP that the depression is all intertwined with the childhood trauma, will look into the method you suggested. Thanks.