Anonymous wrote:Having read your longer post, OP, I think it is already unacceptable that you are subjecting your DD to this behavior. It needs to end now. If you want to try to save the relationship, you can go to extremes. Stop your FILs every time they say something to your daughter. Every time. Don't back down because it is quietly mean or meant "as a joke". If you BF can't back you up on this or it doesn't change his parents behavior in any way, you have to leave.

I'm sorry.

It sounds like a tough situation, OP. You love your BF, and want to marry him, yet your FILs are trying to cling to him and push you away, and your BF will not step in and tell them they cannot treat you and your daughter in a rude and disrespectful way. My ILs do the same sort of "just kidding" manipulative thing to cover up for their constant criticism. I put up with it for a while, but had a huge argument with DH after every visit with them. Finally, I told him I was not going to stand for it, and that he had to stop them. So, he did, and they stopped. He didn't tell them to stop, which would not have worked. He simply responded directly to their manipulative comments, and followed them as they tried to slither away from culpability for being rude, nasty, critical and mean. My ILs are cowards, and when confronted, they ceased their behavior. But DH is constantly vigilant, which keeps them on their best behavior whenever we get together.

The PP is absolutely right that you have to protect your daughter. Constant criticism, even if it's "just kidding" is exhausting, and can wear down a child's self-esteem. If your BF will not recognize his parents behavior for what it is, and take direct measures to end it, you must end the relationship for the sake of your daughter. It's a tough choice, but children don't ask to be born, so you have to put their welfare first. If you don't protect your daughter, no one will.

Having read your longer post, OP, I think it is already unacceptable that you are subjecting your DD to this behavior. It needs to end now. If you want to try to save the relationship, you can go to extremes. Stop your FILs every time they say something to your daughter. Every time. Don't back down because it is quietly mean or meant "as a joke". If you BF can't back you up on this or it doesn't change his parents behavior in any way, you have to leave.

I'm sorry.

FWIW, I met DH's mom after I fell in love with him. If I had met her earlier in our dating process, I would have found an exit. Argh. My MIL is crazy. The $4000 we spent to have her horders-style house cleaned is still nagging at me years later. Argh.

I married a man whose mother I did not like. I love him and our child. I'm not crazy about our life together. His family is a source of constant drama and stress. My family is very sane and self sufficient, so this translates into - we see my family a couple times a year (usually when they make the effort to come to us) and his family CONSTANTLY. There is always some crisis, need, urgent reasons we or he has to be there. Our immediate family (including our toddler) is always put second to the seemingly constant needs of his family. His mother once said to him that spouses come and go but your parents (not even your children) are the most important. We've been together for 16 years and while I wouldn't leave over this situation, had I known how my life with him/his family (b/c yes, they are the same for his family), I'm not sure I would have married him. It is a constant source of stress and growing resentment on my side and I'm sure my reaction is a cause of stress and resentment on his side.

OP The way your boyfriend's parents treat your daughter says a lot about you. You need to man up and defend your child. If they are constantly correcting her, step in!

Things you could say:

"I am her parent and I am the one who will correct her if it is necessary."

Or how about, "Leave my kid alone."

Anonymous wrote:OP - how do you plan to explain to your DD that you chose this man and his emotionally abusive parents over your DD's well being?

This really resonated with me. It was clear to me and my siblings early on that my mom's DH (my father and later my stepfather). We endured some pretty horrific abuse yet everything and everyone in our house was required to accomodate my mom's DH. I always knew it was wrong but I didn't understand just how wrong until I had kids of my own. I just can't understand why my mom would allow someone to treat us the way she did. She had a choice. Her DH was just more important than we were and that has really had a lifelong, adverse affect on all of us.

OP - how do you plan to explain to your DD that you chose this man and his emotionally abusive parents over your DD's well being?

Haven't read the other posts but I think you hear about STBXs who the other STBX will say the red flag early on was the parents. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree idea.

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP. Sorry I did not respond before but things were crazy today. Anyway, some background for those who have asked: no I was never married before but I lived with my daughter's father for 8 years. He's still involved. My FMIL unfortunately lives about 20 minutes away.

And when I say that she is awful to my daughter I don't mean that she is emotionally abusive or anything like that. Just hard on her. Correcting her all the time when no need for correction is there, things like that. Last Christmas eve, FMIL was on her all day about one thing or another and said something like, here's a present, Mary--we got you one even though we didn't have to! My daughter said "Thank you" and FMIL and FFIL both were on her because she wasn't more effusive about her gift. We were over at their house a few nights ago and literally there was a critical remark to me or my daughter every two minutes or so for the hour and a half we were there (about school, attire, appearance, our speech, the amount of food we ate, facial expressions they thought we made, etc). MIL used to be really overtly nasty, but BF put his foot down against that (which naturally caused a huge fight in which she ended up on the floor tearing at her hair and crying). This other stuff is presented as "Oh, I'm so concerned for you" or "I'm just joking!" so that there's really no way to respond without looking like an overreacting fool.

So it's not a huge thing, no, but all the little things add up. I look at the possibility of married life with my BF and think of all the good things we can have: lots of fun, togetherness, kids. But then I also see the weekly Sunday lunch with his parents (which stretches long into the night since she won't let us leave), the drop-ins at our house, and a whole string of holidays, birthdays, and special occasions in which she is trying to control everything and nagging at me and my daughter and I feel so tired.

But OP, it IS a "huge thing." That is HUGE for your DD (and for you as her mother).

There is NO WAY I would subject my DD to that, no way. It would be a deal-breaker.