Anonymous
11/20/2011 20:49
Subject: Re:I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
Anonymous wrote:I'm going through this now OP. In fact, I have cut out my mom but not my dad and they are still married.
Someone asked upthread how to go about this freeze-out exactly. Here's what I've got on that:
1) Cut the person out and tell them that the relationship is over.
2) Tell anyone who you share in common that the relationship is over.
3) Tell anyone who you share in common that if they pass messages or violate confidences (like giving out your phone number) then you are prepared to cut them out too.
It's not easy and I've really been hurting to see my dad bounce back and forth between us and pretend to my ex-mother that he doesn't talk to me, but I look at it like this - he made the choice to stay with her knowing who and what she is. I didn't. Everyone keeps thinking that because I'm the reasonable one that this will be fixed at my hands but to me there's nothing to fix. I've never been happier. I've gone so far as to say that if she would die our family would improve 1000%. I won't go through her list of offenses here but let's just say she's amassed quite a rap sheet.
As far as how to tell other people - I just tell them. It is 100% not a reflection on me that I ended a relationship with an emotionally and verbally abusive narcissist with depressive and anger issues worse than any book or website has described. My job is to protect and preserve my current family which includes my husband, baby on the way and my stepkids. It's about THIS generation not the one before me.
I'm only undecided if I would let say, my brother, take my baby to see its grandparents. I don't want to deprive them but I'm still not sure. She sucked as a mother and from what I've seen with my brother's kids, she sucks as a grandparent so I'm not sure why I would do this other than to placate my dad.
Don't placate your dad. Your situation sounds similar to mine. Placating doesn't work.
Anonymous
11/20/2011 19:47
Subject: Re:I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
I'm going through this now OP. In fact, I have cut out my mom but not my dad and they are still married.
Someone asked upthread how to go about this freeze-out exactly. Here's what I've got on that:
1) Cut the person out and tell them that the relationship is over.
2) Tell anyone who you share in common that the relationship is over.
3) Tell anyone who you share in common that if they pass messages or violate confidences (like giving out your phone number) then you are prepared to cut them out too.
It's not easy and I've really been hurting to see my dad bounce back and forth between us and pretend to my ex-mother that he doesn't talk to me, but I look at it like this - he made the choice to stay with her knowing who and what she is. I didn't. Everyone keeps thinking that because I'm the reasonable one that this will be fixed at my hands but to me there's nothing to fix. I've never been happier. I've gone so far as to say that if she would die our family would improve 1000%. I won't go through her list of offenses here but let's just say she's amassed quite a rap sheet.
As far as how to tell other people - I just tell them. It is 100% not a reflection on me that I ended a relationship with an emotionally and verbally abusive narcissist with depressive and anger issues worse than any book or website has described. My job is to protect and preserve my current family which includes my husband, baby on the way and my stepkids. It's about THIS generation not the one before me.
I'm only undecided if I would let say, my brother, take my baby to see its grandparents. I don't want to deprive them but I'm still not sure. She sucked as a mother and from what I've seen with my brother's kids, she sucks as a grandparent so I'm not sure why I would do this other than to placate my dad.
Someone asked upthread how to go about this freeze-out exactly. Here's what I've got on that:
1) Cut the person out and tell them that the relationship is over.
2) Tell anyone who you share in common that the relationship is over.
3) Tell anyone who you share in common that if they pass messages or violate confidences (like giving out your phone number) then you are prepared to cut them out too.
It's not easy and I've really been hurting to see my dad bounce back and forth between us and pretend to my ex-mother that he doesn't talk to me, but I look at it like this - he made the choice to stay with her knowing who and what she is. I didn't. Everyone keeps thinking that because I'm the reasonable one that this will be fixed at my hands but to me there's nothing to fix. I've never been happier. I've gone so far as to say that if she would die our family would improve 1000%. I won't go through her list of offenses here but let's just say she's amassed quite a rap sheet.
As far as how to tell other people - I just tell them. It is 100% not a reflection on me that I ended a relationship with an emotionally and verbally abusive narcissist with depressive and anger issues worse than any book or website has described. My job is to protect and preserve my current family which includes my husband, baby on the way and my stepkids. It's about THIS generation not the one before me.
I'm only undecided if I would let say, my brother, take my baby to see its grandparents. I don't want to deprive them but I'm still not sure. She sucked as a mother and from what I've seen with my brother's kids, she sucks as a grandparent so I'm not sure why I would do this other than to placate my dad.
Anonymous
11/20/2011 17:05
Subject: I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
"One reason I warned OP that all heck might break loose is because I think some people desperately need to pretend that there is nothing destructive going on in the family."
DH's family.
DH's family.
Anonymous
11/20/2011 15:20
Subject: I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
Anonymous wrote:Funny, when I talk to my toxic parent on the phone there will be one version of truths and one version of "their world" almost in one breath. I know I should exit, if not only because their perspective is so deliberately backward - form how they grew up to how I grew up. F'ed up!
I feel most bad for people who won't admit their family is off, OP. At least you made the first step. It really is difficult to know how to get out of this bad situation.
I am the poster right before you and I so agree with this. One reason I warned OP that all heck might break loose is because I think some people desperately need to pretend that there is nothing destructive going on in the family.
The thing to remember is..when you were a child you had no choice but to endure all this because you had no way out. As an adult you have choices and while the decisions are so complicated at least you have free will.
Anonymous
11/20/2011 13:00
Subject: I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
Funny, when I talk to my toxic parent on the phone there will be one version of truths and one version of "their world" almost in one breath. I know I should exit, if not only because their perspective is so deliberately backward - form how they grew up to how I grew up. F'ed up!
I feel most bad for people who won't admit their family is off, OP. At least you made the first step. It really is difficult to know how to get out of this bad situation.
I feel most bad for people who won't admit their family is off, OP. At least you made the first step. It really is difficult to know how to get out of this bad situation.
Anonymous
11/20/2011 11:34
Subject: I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
You know this is an interesting thread when you read it and then look at the Family Drama thread and how so many people lash out on there because someone does not want to take anymore horrible treatment. It is somewhat of a model for what actually happens in real life when you "threaten" someone's sense of self and reality by saying "I've had enough."
Be prepared for family members to unleash on you and try to force you to keep up the family dynamics. Be prepared for them to make you the villain, but stay strong!!! Your refusing to be treated so poorly is a threat to them and everything they believe. OP it is OK to expect to be treated with kindness. Wishing you strength and sending you lots of support. Please keep us posted.
Be prepared for family members to unleash on you and try to force you to keep up the family dynamics. Be prepared for them to make you the villain, but stay strong!!! Your refusing to be treated so poorly is a threat to them and everything they believe. OP it is OK to expect to be treated with kindness. Wishing you strength and sending you lots of support. Please keep us posted.
Anonymous
11/20/2011 11:12
Subject: I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
I am a strong believer that in order to have a happy and fullfilling life you have to cut out all toxic people-family and friends. I did it and it has been life changing. I feel sorry for my family, they are who they are and they will never change. I know this now but held on to the idea that they might change way too long, only to be let down over and over again. Life is short and I have focused on reminding myself what great life I have created for myself and that I love and appreciate myself for who I have become despite my upbringing. I am too strong to let that have a hold on me. It's hard work but it's a decision I made for mysefl that I deserve to let the past go and move forward.
Never looked back and feel great about it.
Never looked back and feel great about it.
Anonymous
11/18/2011 18:19
Subject: I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
Re:what you say to friends about "cut offs" (in our case some in-laws). I mostly don't discuss it. A "close" friend of mine started using it all to push my buttons and despite telling her I did not wish to speak about my in-laws when she pushed a bit too much, she would pry and pry. I found the more I told her the more she pushed so I just don't discuss it much. I focus on all the positives in our life and I talk about that. I don't find it helpful venting about toxic people. I feel like the more time I spend venting or obsessing the more power they have. I try to throw the thoughts out oif my head. I keep a gratitude journal to remind myself of all the good people in our life.
Anonymous
11/18/2011 18:00
Subject: Re:I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
Anonymous wrote:OP, children have a psychological need to idealize their parents so we can feel safe with them. Part of growing up is learning they cannot protect you from everything they are not perfect etc. For most people, though, their parents did do their best to protect and love them, even if not perfect. Parents may drive us a little bonkers but their imperfections are really not harmful. Your parents failed to protect you. Your father abused you. As wonderful as you might dream he may become, he abused you. Totally unforgivable in my opinion. I would NEVER speak to him again. Moreover, your current relationship with your parents continues to be harmful to your psychological well being. You can certainly mourn the relationship and parents you never had but it is time to stop holding your breath for it to happen. I cut off my dad (luckily my parents are split and my mom is pretty great) when I was in my 20s. Did it make me sad? Absolutely. Do I wish I had a great relationship with him, that one day he'd realize what a jerk he was etc? Yes. But my wishing only hurt ME. It prevented me from living in reality and moving on with my life. I am so much happier not longing for some fantasy that was never going to happen. Moreover, I never want my children exposed to that longing and disappointment. To the extent I can control the people in their lives (obviously this won't last forever), they will not be exposed to people who aren't loving or protective of them or ME! You must respect yourself enough to accept and tell yourself, "I got a bad draw on parents; this is NOT my fault. But I don't have to let them continue to hurt me. The damage in the past cannot be erased but the damage in the future can be prevented." Also, please NEVER NEVER NEVER let your father alone with your child/ren. And if you have siblings with children, you MUST tell them what happened so they can exercise the same caution. Molestation most often occurs within families with someone who is trusted. Imagine if your nieces or nephews were abused like you were because you hadn't said anything. Horrific.
OP here, thanks for your note and to all the other PP's who have responded.
I think you are right that I have been in denial about my dad and what he did. No one knows about it. I went through a lot of shame during my teenage years. I want to say I can't see my dad, who is now much older, abusing his grandchildren. But there is absolutely NO WAY anyone would imagine that he would have done what he did to me either. I did not even call it being molested or sexually abused - I've been thinking those are strong words PP's are using. I know that must sound pretty f****d up to others. I'm not sure anyone in my family would believe me and I don't know where I'd start with disclosing it. But thanks for making it an issue - I had not thought at all that my son or nieces and nephews might be at risk.
I am relieved to hear that some people have been able to cut out their parents and are still happy about it.
Anonymous
11/18/2011 14:07
Subject: I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
Confession time: B/c of my f'ed up mom, I have not taken my son "home" to meet my side of the family. The only ones who have met him are the ones who came here and I feel weird about that fact.
I too want to hear more from people who don't see their families and what they tell people here. I have 2 sets of in-laws which is actually great I can talk about how my family my DS sees..it's just not mine.
As I type this I realize that my DH and I were talking about going down there and now I realize that I WOULD hATE THE ENTIRE TRIP. How do I get over that feeling of being a bad daughter/family member?
OP: hate to hijack but think of this as thinking ahead!
I too want to hear more from people who don't see their families and what they tell people here. I have 2 sets of in-laws which is actually great I can talk about how my family my DS sees..it's just not mine.
As I type this I realize that my DH and I were talking about going down there and now I realize that I WOULD hATE THE ENTIRE TRIP. How do I get over that feeling of being a bad daughter/family member?
OP: hate to hijack but think of this as thinking ahead!
Anonymous
11/18/2011 14:05
Subject: Re:I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
pp here, that' should've been "haven't" been in touch.
Anonymous
11/18/2011 14:00
Subject: Re:I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
My close friends know the deal, but otherwise I just tell people who ask about my father "I don't have contact with my dad." Or "We have been in touch since I was a teen." Usually that ends it. I guess it could be mildly awkward but to be honest I don't feel awkward, I don't give them the whole sordid story or anything. Plus, this isn't a generation when this stuff never happens. I hope it doesn't make people feel uncomfortable, they shouldn't, how the heck could they know. The same way when I ask about someone's parent that has died. If I didn't know, how would I know not to ask.
Anonymous
11/18/2011 12:22
Subject: I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
I just don't talk about my parents. And for holiday times, I say they're unable to travel (or we are, whichever). Today a colleague asked about Thanksgiving and I said that my parents divorced (true) and it's our family tradition that we not spend Thanksgiving together, they spend it w/ their new families (I have no idea what they do). I am having friends and family over - which I always do - and that doesn't include my parents.
My 'big' advice: I found a woman who is like a mom to me. I wore her wedding dress at my own wedding. She's not really old enough to be my mom, but she fills that role for me. My encouragement to everyone is to find the mom you were meant to have; if birth didn't give it to you, she's still out there. On a different note, I fear my son will be an only: my daughter is out there. I will give her what her birth mother never could.
My 'big' advice: I found a woman who is like a mom to me. I wore her wedding dress at my own wedding. She's not really old enough to be my mom, but she fills that role for me. My encouragement to everyone is to find the mom you were meant to have; if birth didn't give it to you, she's still out there. On a different note, I fear my son will be an only: my daughter is out there. I will give her what her birth mother never could.
Anonymous
11/18/2011 12:20
Subject: I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
OP - my heart goes out to you (and PPs). I cut out my entire family about 5 years ago. It was hard, and sometimes I feel like they are still haunting me (dreaming about them or hearing from them out of the blue). It's hard, but I'm much better off.
I agree you may need a new therapist. You are depressed and need emotional support to move forward.
Good luck to you.
I agree you may need a new therapist. You are depressed and need emotional support to move forward.
Good luck to you.
Anonymous
11/18/2011 11:58
Subject: Re:I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
It is difficult to know what to tell others b/c most people buy into the family is everything line (which can be true but is not always true as those of us commenting here can attest). Even people who know of my situation will say things like "Well he is your father - no matter what - he is your father". My own sister who wasn't sexually abused, but who still didn't have a great childhood, hasn't given up on our father (or, I should say, on his memory, as he is dead).
I just keep silent mostly. I hate the holidays stretching from Halloween through New Years because they are so familyish and I really don't have much of one.
I just keep silent mostly. I hate the holidays stretching from Halloween through New Years because they are so familyish and I really don't have much of one.