NP here. I used to think the way a lot of people on here do, that gifts of money always come with emotional manipulation that's not worth the trouble. That's the way it is in my family, and I don't rely on my parents for assistance as an adult. They did pay for some of my college, but I also took loans and worked (and in fact they paid for less of my college than we agreed when I chose my university, which was one of many early lessons about relying on them!).

Things are different for DH and I have come to be more relaxed about it. He is an only child and his father was a small business owner who left his mother several money-making properties when he died. MIL is retired from public service and has an 80% pension in addition to an IRA. She has a paid-off house and is constantly saving, in addition to having an excellent financial planner managing her investments. She sees the income from FIL's properties as DH's inheritance from him and nothing we can do or say about keeping it for herself or putting it to the side will dissuade her from trying to give it to him. Because he is an only child, there is no issue about playing favorites with money between siblings (as there is in my own family).

MIL certainly does not give us a lot by the standards of this discussion (no $1.8 million houses or $40k cars!) but enough that she provided a down payment (on a small house we qualified for on our salaries alone) and is growing a college fund for DC. She also pays for our flights to see her, because she doesn't want finances to limit our visits while she is alive in the name of hoarding resources until after her death. She doesn't pay for elaborate vacations or material goods that are just for show, but she does sometimes pay for unexpected home repairs (gutters that came down in the blizzards, for example) because she does not want us to use our emergency cushion for things like that or to have to reduce retirement or mortgage prepayments.

We do not request any of these gifts from her, but DH (often but not always) accepts them when offered because she has made it clear that it's important to her. It helps her feel connected to him while she is alive and like she is able to see the fruits of her hard work benefiting her family. We know that she is adequately provided for (her investments and savings would cover 20 years of care if necessary) and would never accept a gift that came from her selling off any of her assets.

100K for your house and tuition help?! Shut up, OP.

Anonymous wrote:We do it all on our own. Money from parents, grandparents, etc. always comes with strings attached and we want NONE of that.

It also feels really good to know we are doing it all on our own.

We are both so proud of that.

It's always the people who are so proud that they do it all on their own that just assume that any money comes with strings attached. In many families, it does not.

I also agree with the posters who said that some people like to "use" their money while they are alive, rather than leaving it to their relatives when they die.

Anonymous wrote:i love how the OP states that the wives don't work. guess she doesn't consider being a stay at home mom real "work" - and if their families are dumb enough to foot the bill, who cares? you just want to sound self-righteous, like you DESERVE the life these people are living and they don't, but you just sound jealous to me.

OP here. try again. I'm a SAHM as well. But good job on trying to make this a SAH vs working mom debate.

i love how the OP states that the wives don't work. guess she doesn't consider being a stay at home mom real "work" - and if their families are dumb enough to foot the bill, who cares? you just want to sound self-righteous, like you DESERVE the life these people are living and they don't, but you just sound jealous to me.

15:48 - You are missing the point entirely. Not OP, BTW. Stop being such a PITA.

Why do you know so much about these people?

What bothers me most is those who "expect" their parents money - some before they are even dead!? WHAT?! If my kids had that piss poor attitude, I would for certain donate to charity. Anyone expecting handouts should be sorely disappointed, they deserve it.

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the difference between parents helping you while they're alive and parents passing on their money to help you after they're dead. I suspect you wouldn't like the second scenario any more than you like the first.

My folks are not wealthy and I am not a high-earner. But my mom died young, so her share of my grandparents' estate came directly to her kids. I inherited about $80K, which I used to pay for grad school and a down payment on a house. I would rather have had my mother live to see me graduate high school.

I agree with this. Some ppl would rather spend the money on their kids while they are alive so that there money in the bank is not taxed.
If I was rich and my kids needed help I would have no issue helping them live a nice life style as long as they are also working hard as well (either staying home with the kids or working to save money for their own children).
I have no issues with ppl who live off their parents or parents who live off their wealthy kids. At the end of the day its family and the money will go to each other anyway.
I do have issues with families funding family members that take advantage of it (not working, partying, drugs, alcohol, trouble maker).

OP here. I'm not incorrect about how the wealth was obtained. All the parties involved have never had high paying jobs. For instance, the lawyer I mentioned making $100K is a federal attorney. Maybe $100K is a low estimate and he's actually making $150K--certainly I don't know his exact salary but it's not like he's making a ton of money (and never did).

And for all those who ask "how do i know these things about people?" Well, they're open and honest about them. People talk about such things. Not sure I would.

And each family was given money by parents, not grandparents. I wrote grandparents incorrectly. Not that this matters or changes things.

That all said, I said my piece, and now I'm done. I'm perfectly okay with our present financial state. We were given 100K for a down payment for our house from parents (in addition to the $300K we had saved). SO in a way I'm the pot calling the kettle black. However, I never felt right about taking this money and it caused a huge rift in my marriage (it was from my husband's parents and was between him and them) and so I have a difficult time imagining being an adult and having my entire life paid for by my parents. That's all. I'm jealous in the way that I'm also jealous that athletes make $100k/game or whatever. It doesn't keep me up at night but it just sort of annoys me. Not sure why.

And that's that.

NP here. I grew up very well off, but a lot of it was show (not that I realized in my early years). Since I was 21 all of our money has been self made and we have been extremely fortunate.

I think what bothers successful people is when you think about how if you came from the kind of wealth other people are squandering you could have truly created substantial multi generational wealth.

I'll likely have a net worth well in excess of $10M by the time I turn 40 and all of it is self made (not even a loan from family in there). However, if I my parents had given me what some of my friends parents had given them, I could have easily had $25-$50M by 40 and ironically taken less risk.

If all continues to go well, I will have a very nice fortune amassed. We should be able to retire doing everything we want and without any financial worries (hopefully), but there is a difference between tens of millions and hundreds of millions. The latter is practically forever wealth (in can survive one or two generations of idiots heirs and still be intact). The former requires another generation to truly grow it the same point.

I don't really see the difference between parents helping you while they're alive and parents passing on their money to help you after they're dead. I suspect you wouldn't like the second scenario any more than you like the first.

My folks are not wealthy and I am not a high-earner. But my mom died young, so her share of my grandparents' estate came directly to her kids. I inherited about $80K, which I used to pay for grad school and a down payment on a house. I would rather have had my mother live to see me graduate high school.

This is MORE annoying than people that live off their parents -- people who assume we live off our parents, when we do NOT. They assume this because 1) my parents are somewhat wealthy; and 2) we have big house, private school, nice vacations.
The truth is, my parents have money but both parents came from poor backgrounds and my dad is self-made, so he would never, ever give us money unless it was a true emergency. That's just not how he is wired -- all of my siblings and I have worked since we were 14. He would give generously if we truly needed it (god forbid, medical thing or something), but would certainly not give money to get us something material.
And DH's parents are lower income.

The truth of why we have been able to afford these things is that we both earn very good salaries, more than average lawyers because of our specialties. And we have the advantage of only one set of law school loans because my dad did pay for my law school (so, in that sense, I of course have benefitted from family wealth, but not like OP is talking about.) Also, other than private schools and nice house, we are pretty frugal -- I have no designer clothes or anything like that and I don't really desire that.

But a close friend told another close friend that she assumed my dad paid for the house and/or private school. So, OP, you may be wrong!! My parents don't vene give the kids fancy gifts or anything -- they get a $25 toy at holidays and bdays -- lots of less wealthy families give their grandkids nicer gifts.

OP, NP here. I know what you are saying. It depends where you live. PP's are incorrect in alluding that it is you, it is not. I know many people like this and frankly, I have little or no respect for them. They are living off someone else. It is social climbing at one of its worst situations, because truly, they did not have to work for it. We are in a similar situation, but not with help from any parent. We are not the type to ask anyone for anything, because really, who needs that in their lives? It does nothing to help the giver or the taker, because lets face it, takers keep on taking. Simple.

I do know people who make assumptions about how others accumulated their wealth. Some people are willing to divulge, but we do not. It is our choice. They are the same people who make assumptions about how the self made should be spending their money. What? Because they owe whom? Certainly not you! No, we are not picking up anyones tab for anything because frankly, most people I know live outside of their means trying to keep up with the people you mention. We keep up with ourselves. Period. A lesson that most people here could use, but I doubt they will ever learn.


PP, ITA that favoritism ruins families. Every time I see it, the parents who do the favoring have the audacity to scratch their heads and wonder why the siblings don't get along. Really? Because you created a rift that can NEVER be repaired, dumbass!

But people who are in either group I mention can be bitter in that they resent others for what they think they have. I suppose if you actually know their story, there is much to legitimately resent. Try not to mind others business too much, and you will be fine.

"Nanny here- My parents bought me a $950k condo when I turned 25. They also bought me a car and paid my rent until I had my condo. I work and went to college.

My parents said it was because that is how it's done with 'old money' and that you pass it on to the next generation while you are still alive and also avoid paying taxes by giving a one-time gift? I don't really understand it, but I'm very grateful.

They also did this for all my siblings.

I work really hard and having my condo paid for allows me to live here while earning less money, but working job I really really love (bring a nanny!)."

Wow! What do your parents do for a living?