Anonymous wrote:First step STOP BLAMING OTHERS - she raised you in a way but you can choose to go the other way.

Once you recognize that your personality is to blame you can start to change.

wrong
Once you recognize what happened and can look at the situation from a different perspective you can see what went wrong and why you ended up how you did.
this is not blaming others
woment tend to live their lives for others until the age of 40. After that they live for themselves
Forget the loonies who think you can change your life by blaming yourself. Forget the judgemental freaks and be selfish for a while and move on.
I know what I am talking about as I am similar in many ways. But I surround myself with people who know what kind of treatment I do not like and who care enough to not bully me into doing stuff for others

Anonymous wrote:My tips:

Do NOT apologize for things that aren't your fault. Some of us are socialized to try and make everything right, and we feel personally responsible if things go wrong that are out of our control. Men do not seem to feel this way. Especially do not apoligize when someone is being rude to you.

Do not confuse saying "yes" with being kind. Always be kind if you can. Do not say "yes" to things you do not want to or cannot do. Sometimes it will seem like these two principles overlap, but if you think about a request before responding, you will know the difference.

Do not explain why you cannot/will not do something. Just say you cannot do it. If someone asks "why", just say I can't. Be pleasant, but firm.

Don't fidget or talk just to fill up silence. Learn to be comfortable with stillness.

Take up a physical sport or martial art. It wil give you confidence.

Mommy, are you on DCUM?? I've heard this lecture before!

My tips:

Do NOT apologize for things that aren't your fault. Some of us are socialized to try and make everything right, and we feel personally responsible if things go wrong that are out of our control. Men do not seem to feel this way. Especially do not apoligize when someone is being rude to you.

Do not confuse saying "yes" with being kind. Always be kind if you can. Do not say "yes" to things you do not want to or cannot do. Sometimes it will seem like these two principles overlap, but if you think about a request before responding, you will know the difference.

Do not explain why you cannot/will not do something. Just say you cannot do it. If someone asks "why", just say I can't. Be pleasant, but firm.

Don't fidget or talk just to fill up silence. Learn to be comfortable with stillness.

Take up a physical sport or martial art. It wil give you confidence.

Anonymous wrote:Why not make friends with someone who is decidedly not mousy? She will show you the way! (and you might have fun too!)

This can be annoying.

I lean towards aggressive/assertive and mousy people gravitate to me like a magnet. They think I can someohow rub off on them or want to draw me into their conflict, as if I’m going to be their spokes person or personal advisor. Ultimately I find them extremely annoying, always complaining about what this and that one has done to them and NEVER doing a thing about it. It is just too frustrating to try to counsel these people to stand up for themselves. It is just a bunch of complaining, feeling slighted, feeling used, and then sitting on their hands brooding.

I find that most "mousy" people are actually very very passive aggressive and resentful, but never seem to quite figure out how to stop it. They need professional help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be aggressive. I see that works quite well at work. It commands respect when people don't want to give it to you.

No, OP, be assertive not aggressive. There is a huge difference as aggression does not command respect, it antagonizes others. Assertive commands respect. You may need to take some classes to help you. Good luck.

Actually the poster is spot on in regards to the workplace. I have seen the nastiest bullies climb their way to the top stepping on faces while heading up the ladder.

I'm a middle of the road person and HAPPY. Not a super success, but I make a comfortable salary and sleep well at night, but I completely agree that agressors get ahead in life.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2047576/Selfish-aggressive-personalities-likely-promoted-work.html

Anonymous wrote:I thought this post was going to be about how OP's parents never let her wear makeup and taught her to slouch, not wash her hair, and dress in drab sweater sets.

Me,too! I actually expected OP to complain that her mother didn't teach how to dress fashionably.

22:06 - I love you.

I was raised not to take sh*t from anyone. My dad really did a great job of raising my sister and I in the same manner he raised my brother. We weren't treated as 'princesses'. We played all of the same sports and were required to take turns doing all the same jobs, e..g, mowing the lawn, etc. There weren't 'boy or girl' chores. He also raised us to speak our mind and never let anyone walk all over us. My sister and I (thanks to my mother's influence...can be the type of 'well-put together' seemingly very go-with-the-flow, classy chicks) but HOLY COW..if you screw with us you better watch out. It always amazes people when they see this side because most never suspect it. I think some fathers do their girls a disservice when they treat them with kid-gloves, put them on a pedestal and buy into the delicate thing.

I am sure with your mom---a large part was 'generational'. My mother was raised at a time when women didn't show that side. They were expected not to make waves. I saw a total transformation of her over the years. She ended her career (after not working when we were young), going back to nursing part-time, to being a Hospital Administrator that was a force to be reckoned with!! You don't have to 'blow-up" at people to not be a martyr or stand-up for yourself. In fact, it is usually more effective when you remain calm and intelligent and don't let the emotions take over. the last part is what I had to work on.

First, stop blaming your mom. That's not very nice. Blowing up at people isn't very nice either. Sounds more like a martyr complex than a mousy, nice pushover to me.

Be honest with people with what you do and don't like to do, plan some things you enjoy, and avoid the things you don't. Sometimes be willing to give, and expect that sometimes people give for you in return. If they don't, ask them to and explain why. No "they should just do it!" resentment. You need to train THEM to respect you.

I thought this post was going to be about how OP's parents never let her wear makeup and taught her to slouch, not wash her hair, and dress in drab sweater sets.

OP, I hear you. I was raised to be a pleaser, not to think of myself, turn the other cheek, be pleasant, never say a bad thing about anyone else, etc. It took years of therapy to move me out into the world and to stand up for myself. But I'm essentially a doormat still, and I still take it until I blow up, which surprises people.

I have tried very hard recently to stop this behavior, especially regarding those closest to me, particularly DH. The thing I've focused on is trying to verbalize how I am feeling right at the moment I am feeling it, and removing the emotions from my words. I try very hard to describe objectively what is happening without getting angry or upset, resentful, etc. It has worked wonders in dealing with DH, and it has helped improve several situations at work.

I'm still a doormat though. That's my personality. But I have found it much easier to get what I want without getting angry simply by describing what I need, or describing what the other person did that is causing a problem for me. I used to actually cover up for the other person, make excuses for him/her, take the blame for things that were not my fault.

This approach is conscious and takes energy, though, OP. I don't do it subconsciously as most other people are able to do. It's work, and it's tiring. It's easy for me to be mousy because it's a lifetime habit. But you can do it, OP.

I agree with other posters, OP, stop blaming your mom! It's pointless. Just move on. My parents did all sorts of things wrong, but they did what they did, and it's over. I'm not going to waste one more iota of energy thinking about all the bad things they did. I've moved on, and you should too, OP. It will make you feel good.

Why not make friends with someone who is decidedly not mousy? She will show you the way! (and you might have fun too!)

I found getting divorced while broke with a kid still in diapers did wonders for my assertiveness, and I definitely ceased caring what anyone thought. There's probably an easier way.

I was raised by mousy parents though my mom at home could complain a lot and make my dad confront people- usually unsuccessfully on issues. I am the opposite- I did pick up habits of my parents unfortunately but overall I developed to avoid being my parents mousy personality.

First step STOP BLAMING OTHERS - she raised you in a way but you can choose to go the other way.

Once you recognize that your personality is to blame you can start to change.