I feel truly blessed, I had the most wonderful mom ever who recently passed away. After reading many of these posts I feel fortunate. Daughters of not-great moms, I wish you peace, much happiness and many fulfilling relationships with other people you love.

OP, NP here. I can completely understand being driven crazy by a mother or a parent. Here's my thoughts:

1) People who have a healthy home life or who grew up in normal families or who have never experienced it are difficult to talk to about it, so I would say, don't even bother. They really won't get it. A don't let them guilt you into "oh, repair your relationship now, she could be dead soon" It's more complicated than that.
2) It's not you. Seriously, I needed someone to say that to me. I am normal, and my mother is manipulative, codependent, alcoholic drama queen. However awesome I am with relationships, it ain't gonna fix her side.
3) Distance is your friend, either physical or mental. Don't be friends with her on FB. Don't spend as much time with her, or spend the amount that feels right, even if it's once a year or less. Don't call as often. This helped me tremendously--less opportunity to be disappointed.

good luck and I'm sorry you didn't win the parent lottery. Two other thoughts:
1) Therapy might be a good idea if you feel it necessary
2) you can try to be a better, more balanced parent, and your kids will never have to experience that, so lucky them.

My daughter is a great friend and mentor to me. I would "hate" to think she'd ever hate me.

Do you realize that your relationship isn't healthy. Your daughter (unless you are both adults) isn't supposed to be your friend and she certainly shouldn't be your mentor. I think that there are role reversals going on here that will not serve you or your daughter well in the future. Please reevaluate the nature of your relationship with your daughter, so that someday, your daughter isn't posting on a thread like this. Good luck to you both.

I love my mom but it's stressful to be around her.

She's very emotionally needy. Quick to take a slight or interpret something as a put down.
She's very adamant that she's "entitled" to her feelings, so no matter how unreasonable she is, we are supposed to suck it up.
She has a lot of unresolved anger towards my dad whom she divorced like 30 years ago so I still have to either hear about it or, conversely, I am not allowed to bring things up or ask questions about childhood memories because she gets upset.

I have long felt that our relationship is reversed, that she is more the need child. And I resent being responsible for her happiness.

Now that said if my mom ever needed me to take care of her I would do it in a hearbeat. I feel that sense of obligation and responsibility. But at this time, since she's able bodied, her neediness just.... drives me nuts.

Oh and she's an alcoholic. So she gets completely shit faced at night and thinks that's OK. Whether she is at my house or hers, kids around or not.

And god forbid she doesn't have her special pillow, a fan blowing, the right temperature.... when my babies were in the car in winter she had a hot flash so she OPENED HER WINDOW. I said, "um, why not just take off your jacket so you can be more comfortable but the other three people in the car don't freeze?" HELLO???

I resent that she complains about never seeing her grandkids but she knows I am stuck here for various reasons, but she refuses to move. I don't expect her to move but I do expect her not to complain....

Anonymous wrote:
NP here but this explains my situation as well. I have not spoken to my parents in over 2 years. I mourn the relationship that "could have been". I'm sad at times that I don't have parents to share happy and sad moments with. It makes me angry that I have to explain to my children why we no longer see Grandma and Grandpa. And it pisses me off that my parents lie to the rest of the family and pretend that there is nothing wrong.

I could have posted this. I'm going through the same thing right now and it makes me quite sad to think of what 'could have been'. I see 'normal' families that can share moments and I hate that I can't have that. My parents do the same thing - pretend there is nothing wrong. I've actually gone ahead and told other family members that I no longer have anything to do with my mom.

Not quite sure about what do with the kids though. My DD isn't old enough yet and my parents live far enough away, that I just don't talk about them much.

For me -- it was my dad. But I think "hate" is probably too strong a word. I would say "disliked"...selfish, narcisstic, etc.

My daughter is a great friend and mentor to me. I would "hate" to think she'd ever hate me.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think any of us are happy that we are not close with our mothers. But I guarantee that in most cases, it's better to not be forcing a relationship that is not healthy.

I have recently had to restrict my relationship (and my childrens' too, sadly) with my own parents due to circumstances that I find incompatible with having a healthy environment for my kids (or for myself) to be in. I am damn sure not happy about it, but I do believe I am doing right by my own children by not allowing them around such people.

NP here but this explains my situation as well. I have not spoken to my parents in over 2 years. I mourn the relationship that "could have been". I'm sad at times that I don't have parents to share happy and sad moments with. It makes me angry that I have to explain to my children why we no longer see Grandma and Grandpa. And it pisses me off that my parents lie to the rest of the family and pretend that there is nothing wrong.

BUT, even with all of those emotions going on I know that it is healthier for me, my husband and our children to not have contact with them.

So, to the OP...you have to figure out if your mother's actions are simply annoying and something you can live with or is it so bad that you would be better off without contact.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine's dead.
Mend the relationship while you have it. You're luckier than you know.

Some of us have to draw lines because a "mom" is continually mean and destructive. The good thing about when they die is that you can make them whatever you want, because they are no longer around to be cruel.

I totally agree and would add "destructive".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread is sooo sad! My mother died when I was young, so I never had a chance to get to know her as an adult. I don't know what kind of relationship I might have had with her.

I find this unsettling, though. I hope and pray my daughter doesn't hate me when I'm older! I adore my daughter, and can't imagine how any mother could detest her child! That sounds heartbreaking to me!! I'm going through the preteen years with my daughter, and she is getting nasty toward me at times, and I worry she's starting to hate me just for being myself. Today she told me I was wimpy and mousey! It was startling to hear that from her!

Well, I'm sorry your mother are so awful to you, PPs. I can't stand my MIL, so I understand a little of what you are going through. DH only speaks with his mom every six months or so. That little contact with my children would KILL me!! I don't want to be cut off from them, so this thread is scaring me, a little! I guess if my children end up disliking me, there's not much I can do about it, if I'm not being mean or rude or annoying to them. You don't choose your children either.

You sound like a great mom because you are concerned about your relationship with your child. Your daughter is a teenager and is pushing the limits I'm sure and trying to figure out who she is--saying that you are "wimpy and mousey" is mean, but that doesn't mean that she hates or will hate you. I think what most of the posters are trying to express is a different kind of relationship with their mothers. I had good friends who rebelled as teenagers and said mean things to their mothers (I remember!) but they grew out of it and have good relationships with their mothers (what they report and from what I can see as an outsider). I like their moms too. From my own experience, I relate to what the other posters are saying. We are describing mothers who are verbally and/or physically abusive, mothers who manipulate and/or belittle their daughters on a constant basis. Mothers who are jealous of their daughters and act on it. Mothers who are angry and twisted inside, who didn't want or shouldn't have had kids. Self-centered or narcissistic mothers . . . I could go on. Thankfully, most mothers are not like that and are "good enough". But the not good and sometimes evil mothers are out there and denying their existence and questioning the experience of women on this forum that had such experiences by some of the posters (not you) is naive and insulting.

+ 1 X 10,000,000,000

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread is sooo sad! My mother died when I was young, so I never had a chance to get to know her as an adult. I don't know what kind of relationship I might have had with her.

I find this unsettling, though. I hope and pray my daughter doesn't hate me when I'm older! I adore my daughter, and can't imagine how any mother could detest her child! That sounds heartbreaking to me!! I'm going through the preteen years with my daughter, and she is getting nasty toward me at times, and I worry she's starting to hate me just for being myself. Today she told me I was wimpy and mousey! It was startling to hear that from her!

Well, I'm sorry your mother are so awful to you, PPs. I can't stand my MIL, so I understand a little of what you are going through. DH only speaks with his mom every six months or so. That little contact with my children would KILL me!! I don't want to be cut off from them, so this thread is scaring me, a little! I guess if my children end up disliking me, there's not much I can do about it, if I'm not being mean or rude or annoying to them. You don't choose your children either.

You sound like a great mom because you are concerned about your relationship with your child. Your daughter is a teenager and is pushing the limits I'm sure and trying to figure out who she is--saying that you are "wimpy and mousey" is mean, but that doesn't mean that she hates or will hate you. I think what most of the posters are trying to express is a different kind of relationship with their mothers. I had good friends who rebelled as teenagers and said mean things to their mothers (I remember!) but they grew out of it and have good relationships with their mothers (what they report and from what I can see as an outsider). I like their moms too. From my own experience, I relate to what the other posters are saying. We are describing mothers who are verbally and/or physically abusive, mothers who manipulate and/or belittle their daughters on a constant basis. Mothers who are jealous of their daughters and act on it. Mothers who are angry and twisted inside, who didn't want or shouldn't have had kids. Self-centered or narcissistic mothers . . . I could go on. Thankfully, most mothers are not like that and are "good enough". But the not good and sometimes evil mothers are out there and denying their existence and questioning the experience of women on this forum that had such experiences by some of the posters (not you) is naive and insulting.

Anonymous wrote:Mine's dead.
Mend the relationship while you have it. You're luckier than you know.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Some of us have just have crappy mothers, and the relationship is not possible to mend (and believe me, I've tried). Do I wish mine were dead? Not exactly. But she has been abusive, neglectful, and is just generally really heard to be around. So no, I don't feel lucky.

I think this thread is sooo sad! My mother died when I was young, so I never had a chance to get to know her as an adult. I don't know what kind of relationship I might have had with her.

I find this unsettling, though. I hope and pray my daughter doesn't hate me when I'm older! I adore my daughter, and can't imagine how any mother could detest her child! That sounds heartbreaking to me!! I'm going through the preteen years with my daughter, and she is getting nasty toward me at times, and I worry she's starting to hate me just for being myself. Today she told me I was wimpy and mousey! It was startling to hear that from her!

Well, I'm sorry your mother are so awful to you, PPs. I can't stand my MIL, so I understand a little of what you are going through. DH only speaks with his mom every six months or so. That little contact with my children would KILL me!! I don't want to be cut off from them, so this thread is scaring me, a little! I guess if my children end up disliking me, there's not much I can do about it, if I'm not being mean or rude or annoying to them. You don't choose your children either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe your mother can't stand you.

Yes, it's abundantly clear that mine can't stand me either.

What is it about you that you both that think your mothers can't stand you. What do they do that makes you feel that way? I bet you only think that is the case.

NP--my mother has told me on several occasions beginning around 12yrs old that she didn't like me, my personality and wished she never had children. I think that is pretty clear!

Anonymous wrote:

Please, get in line.

I heard that from friends, too. Typical Mother-daughter relationships that may change as we grow older.. I am waiting for my turn.

There's a difference between "typical" changes in relationships over time and not being able to stand being in the same room with someone. I don't speak to my mother at all except for the 3-4 times a year that I have to see her, and even then, it's impossible to have a conversation. I don't think that's a "typical" mother-daughter relationship.

Same mother/daughter relationship here. Sucks. She knows nothing about my private life, and only sees my child twice a year.

Anonymous wrote:Mine's dead.
Mend the relationship while you have it. You're luckier than you know.

Some of us have to draw lines because a "mom" is continually mean and destructive. The good thing about when they die is that you can make them whatever you want, because they are no longer around to be cruel.