Anonymous
10/10/2011 19:30
Subject: Just found out about my husband's second affair
Anonymous wrote:
Don't be influenced by all these losers who want your marriage to fail -- if you think you can mend this, then by all means go ahead and do so. Don't listen to the drumbeat of the unhappy. Marriage is for better of worse!
How about this. The marriage is broken. He broke his vows twice. And rather than doing the hard work on himself that was required for reconciliation the first time, he is now a habitual cheater.
This isn't about being bitter and unhappy. This is about a dysfunctional partner who has now demonstrated a pattern of behavior that is unacceptable. I'm happily married, and I am with the posters who suggest she leave now. Life is too short to go through it with someone who doesn't respect you or his own promises.
Anonymous
10/10/2011 15:42
Subject: Just found out about my husband's second affair
Don't be influenced by all these losers who want your marriage to fail -- if you think you can mend this, then by all means go ahead and do so. Don't listen to the drumbeat of the unhappy. Marriage is for better of worse!
Anonymous
10/10/2011 14:25
Subject: Just found out about my husband's second affair
Congratulations, op. Use this time to separate yourself emotionally. Please listen to your older, wiser friends. You need time to figure out who you are. Having a partner just for the sake of it isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to be happy with yourself first. Good luck to you.
Anonymous
10/10/2011 14:03
Subject: Just found out about my husband's second affair
Thanks PP! That made me cry.
Thanks everyone for all of the advice. I'm planning on moving out in a few months when our lease is up. I can't afford to pay the fee for breaking it. I realize I deserve better. I guess I had just gotten comfortable. I've been with this " man" since I was 21, I'm almost 27. I think after this I will take my older wiser friends advice and just be single. I feel like a failure. This is my second marriage. My first one I was 18, it ended because he used me for a green card. On the bright side I'm grateful I don't have any children.
Thanks everyone for all of the advice. I'm planning on moving out in a few months when our lease is up. I can't afford to pay the fee for breaking it. I realize I deserve better. I guess I had just gotten comfortable. I've been with this " man" since I was 21, I'm almost 27. I think after this I will take my older wiser friends advice and just be single. I feel like a failure. This is my second marriage. My first one I was 18, it ended because he used me for a green card. On the bright side I'm grateful I don't have any children.
Anonymous
10/10/2011 13:17
Subject: Re:Just found out about my husband's second affair
NP here.
OP, I left a lying, manipulative loser when I was 35. He wasa charismatic, very smart, but very messed up man whom I was quite emotionally attached to, but whom I also never trusted implicitly. Part of the messed up attraction of the relationship was the passion generated by so much uncertainly. Finally, htough i was sick of never knowing the truth, and found too much evidence that he was lying about a lot of things (not just other women). I left him. Of course I was scared I would never get married, have kids, etc. It was scary to be alone at that age.
But, I am now 41, married to a great man, with a wonderful toddler and a baby on the way. Spent a year or so in therapy, a year dating carefully--really nice guys, no one who seemed in the least shady or would have problems with a committed, honest relationship. Met DH at 37, married (and pregnant at our wedding!) less than 2 years later....he is such an amazing man in so many ways. Not rich, not super handsome, but a true partner whom I trust 100 percent. Its amazing to me that I had put up with such terrible behavior for so long. Its like night and day.
You deserve better.
leave
leave
LEAVE!
OP, I left a lying, manipulative loser when I was 35. He wasa charismatic, very smart, but very messed up man whom I was quite emotionally attached to, but whom I also never trusted implicitly. Part of the messed up attraction of the relationship was the passion generated by so much uncertainly. Finally, htough i was sick of never knowing the truth, and found too much evidence that he was lying about a lot of things (not just other women). I left him. Of course I was scared I would never get married, have kids, etc. It was scary to be alone at that age.
But, I am now 41, married to a great man, with a wonderful toddler and a baby on the way. Spent a year or so in therapy, a year dating carefully--really nice guys, no one who seemed in the least shady or would have problems with a committed, honest relationship. Met DH at 37, married (and pregnant at our wedding!) less than 2 years later....he is such an amazing man in so many ways. Not rich, not super handsome, but a true partner whom I trust 100 percent. Its amazing to me that I had put up with such terrible behavior for so long. Its like night and day.
You deserve better.
leave
leave
LEAVE!
Anonymous
10/09/2011 19:38
Subject: Just found out about my husband's second affair
Anonymous wrote:OP, another way I looked at things when trying to decide what path to take was this:
If I could go on vacation away from all my problems for 6 months, and give my life over to my sister or a friend to make the tough calls on what needs to stay and what needs to be pruned... what would I hope my sister/ friend would have waiting for me? And then DO those things for yourself!
The pain has to do with you being emotionally INVESTED in your life and the time you feel you wasted (and since you were TTC, you probably also feel you just REALLY want that baby and now it may be another 1+ years). Take a deep breath, a step away from all those emotions, and make the logical decisions you know need to happen.
Remember, if men are like trains, the 'right' train can't pull into the station while the 'wrong' train is still parked there. Kick out that wrong train so the right one can come in!!! Best of luck and (((hugs)))) to you. I'm not making light of your situation, but please consider the consistent advice you're getting here. You have a new lease on life - take it!!
Yes. This. And, I asked myself what I would want my precious daughter to do if she were living my life. I would NOT want her to stay married to such an asshole.
Anonymous
10/09/2011 19:10
Subject: Re:Just found out about my husband's second affair
Anonymous wrote:No kids, no comingled money, he's broke, he's a liar and a cheat? I say this with total honesty from my perspective as a cheated-on-twice mom of 3 kids who wasted 10 years with an asshole before I left him for cheating with his ex-wife (!) -- -
You seriously got a 'Get out of jail free' card. You sound young, and remember the dating adage: Many shoes fit the same foot. You absolutely can love more than one person!! You will find love again and with some professional help to fine tune your standards and learn how to spot the losers, you will undoubtedly do better than this jerk.
I know how you feel about divorce ruining your plans for TTC - - that's why I married the jerk in the first place. But it's so much worse now being hog-tied to an asshole with whom I must co-parent for the rest of my life! My kids' graduations, proms, marriages, grandkids, holidays, everything - - will always have him in them somehow. The full depressing weight of that sometimes still takes my breath away. You can ESCAPE, free and clear and never have to see this man again.
Go, work on improving your jerk radar, define what you want in a relationship, and go confidently forward knowing that one day (next year probably) you will look back on this and realize you dodged a bullet AND set your course that will lead you to a better man. I'm so sorry for the pain you are undoubtedly feeling right now. Chin up, and leave this loser!!
19:08 here. I LOVE your post. Thank you.
I am dying to ask you - have you remarried? How are your kids doing?
Anonymous
10/09/2011 19:08
Subject: Re:Just found out about my husband's second affair
Anonymous wrote:I am so jealous - I'm in your same situation but with huge finances intermingled (rental properties) PLUS two kids who would be heartbroken. You are crazy to stay. Sorry, but it's true. Why do you need family in the area? Get an apartment and go live your life. Really, if this was your friend, what would you encourage her to do? Don't waste any more time. This is your LIFE passing you by!!
Me too
OP, please please please leave. It's horrible to go through life scared, wondering when your husband will do it again. You deserve better, and it will be a clean and easy break for you - he'll be a distant memory in ten years.
Anonymous
10/09/2011 18:27
Subject: Just found out about my husband's second affair
Please leave him!!!
Anonymous
10/09/2011 18:06
Subject: Just found out about my husband's second affair
You need to leave. Be strong. You deserve so much better.
Anonymous
10/09/2011 15:05
Subject: Re:Just found out about my husband's second affair
No kids? Get out now.
Anonymous
10/09/2011 14:45
Subject: Just found out about my husband's second affair
OP, another way I looked at things when trying to decide what path to take was this:
If I could go on vacation away from all my problems for 6 months, and give my life over to my sister or a friend to make the tough calls on what needs to stay and what needs to be pruned... what would I hope my sister/ friend would have waiting for me? And then DO those things for yourself!
The pain has to do with you being emotionally INVESTED in your life and the time you feel you wasted (and since you were TTC, you probably also feel you just REALLY want that baby and now it may be another 1+ years). Take a deep breath, a step away from all those emotions, and make the logical decisions you know need to happen.
Remember, if men are like trains, the 'right' train can't pull into the station while the 'wrong' train is still parked there. Kick out that wrong train so the right one can come in!!! Best of luck and (((hugs)))) to you. I'm not making light of your situation, but please consider the consistent advice you're getting here. You have a new lease on life - take it!!
If I could go on vacation away from all my problems for 6 months, and give my life over to my sister or a friend to make the tough calls on what needs to stay and what needs to be pruned... what would I hope my sister/ friend would have waiting for me? And then DO those things for yourself!
The pain has to do with you being emotionally INVESTED in your life and the time you feel you wasted (and since you were TTC, you probably also feel you just REALLY want that baby and now it may be another 1+ years). Take a deep breath, a step away from all those emotions, and make the logical decisions you know need to happen.
Remember, if men are like trains, the 'right' train can't pull into the station while the 'wrong' train is still parked there. Kick out that wrong train so the right one can come in!!! Best of luck and (((hugs)))) to you. I'm not making light of your situation, but please consider the consistent advice you're getting here. You have a new lease on life - take it!!
Anonymous
10/09/2011 12:49
Subject: Re:Just found out about my husband's second affair
I am so jealous - I'm in your same situation but with huge finances intermingled (rental properties) PLUS two kids who would be heartbroken. You are crazy to stay. Sorry, but it's true. Why do you need family in the area? Get an apartment and go live your life. Really, if this was your friend, what would you encourage her to do? Don't waste any more time. This is your LIFE passing you by!!
Anonymous
10/08/2011 23:14
Subject: Re:Just found out about my husband's second affair
Hi there - I was the PP earlier on who said this is not a black/white situation -- I revise that -- if you have no kids, nothing financial to lose - then this is OBVIOUS! Boot him out of your house. Make it clean. No drama. Change your cell phone number. Lawyer up. Make sure he doesn't have any fire arms. (Being serious here) and say... good riddance!!! You deserve better!!! I was saying all that crap about making it work earlier because I assumed you had kids in the picture.... sorry to have a double standard for folks with/without kids.... But really this makes the decision simple... I beg of you to go..... This man has shown poor judgement, poor impulse control, and lack of respect for you... you get a nice "get out of jail free" card here IMO....run, run!!!
Anonymous
10/08/2011 15:05
Subject: Re:Just found out about my husband's second affair
No kids, no comingled money, he's broke, he's a liar and a cheat? I say this with total honesty from my perspective as a cheated-on-twice mom of 3 kids who wasted 10 years with an asshole before I left him for cheating with his ex-wife (!) -- -
You seriously got a 'Get out of jail free' card. You sound young, and remember the dating adage: Many shoes fit the same foot. You absolutely can love more than one person!! You will find love again and with some professional help to fine tune your standards and learn how to spot the losers, you will undoubtedly do better than this jerk.
I know how you feel about divorce ruining your plans for TTC - - that's why I married the jerk in the first place. But it's so much worse now being hog-tied to an asshole with whom I must co-parent for the rest of my life! My kids' graduations, proms, marriages, grandkids, holidays, everything - - will always have him in them somehow. The full depressing weight of that sometimes still takes my breath away. You can ESCAPE, free and clear and never have to see this man again.
Go, work on improving your jerk radar, define what you want in a relationship, and go confidently forward knowing that one day (next year probably) you will look back on this and realize you dodged a bullet AND set your course that will lead you to a better man. I'm so sorry for the pain you are undoubtedly feeling right now. Chin up, and leave this loser!!
You seriously got a 'Get out of jail free' card. You sound young, and remember the dating adage: Many shoes fit the same foot. You absolutely can love more than one person!! You will find love again and with some professional help to fine tune your standards and learn how to spot the losers, you will undoubtedly do better than this jerk.
I know how you feel about divorce ruining your plans for TTC - - that's why I married the jerk in the first place. But it's so much worse now being hog-tied to an asshole with whom I must co-parent for the rest of my life! My kids' graduations, proms, marriages, grandkids, holidays, everything - - will always have him in them somehow. The full depressing weight of that sometimes still takes my breath away. You can ESCAPE, free and clear and never have to see this man again.
Go, work on improving your jerk radar, define what you want in a relationship, and go confidently forward knowing that one day (next year probably) you will look back on this and realize you dodged a bullet AND set your course that will lead you to a better man. I'm so sorry for the pain you are undoubtedly feeling right now. Chin up, and leave this loser!!