Anonymous wrote:I am the parent of a typically developing kid. I am reading this post to make sure that I have never said (and do not ever say) anything like what you all have posted.

I am sorry that people say things that are hurtful. I do believe that sometimes it is said b/c of ignorance or even trying to make you feel better (but of course, it has the opposite effect). Like the person who said Einsten had Asperger's was clearly trying to make the mom of a kid with Asperger's feel better. You agree with that, don't you? Do you agree that people often say these things out of ignorance and not maliciousness? I guess it is annoying and irritating just the same.

Could you post some things that you wish people would say more often? Could you post what the special need is that you and your child are dealing with, and then some comments that would be positive/helpful to you? Sometimes we just don't know what to say - it is just awkward and we want to say something helpful but are afraid it will come out wrong, as is apparent, it often does. Sorry to have intruded on your post, but thanks in advance for answering my questions.

Seriously? If you don't have a SN child, can you please find your own vent thread to participate in? I have a beautiful, intelligent, robot-like daughter who repeats everything I say about 130 times. That is trying enough, as I'm sure are the situations of everyone on this board. Pretty much the very last thing we need is a devil's advocate.

That is a great post on the main page, thanks for posting the link.

Anonymous wrote:

Aimee4 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes absolutely many people have the best of intentions. I think it's a great idea for you to start a separate thread about what is helpful to say and feel free to ask people to share their child's diagnosis as well. We have had threads with suggestions before and there are many blogposts giving suggestions for what would be helpful to say to parents of kids with SN. I also think it is very healthy for a bunch of parents of kids with special needs to be able to blow off steam and even laugh about hurtful comments and that is what this thread is for.

I did ask something similar to this a few months back and no one responded.

How odd, because just "a few months back" I posted a whole thing on the DCUM main page entitled "What to say to parents of special needs kids." In fact, you can go RIGHT NOW and read it.

And it was a lovely post! I read it and commented. I wish more people had taken the time to read it. Here's a link http://www.dcurbanmom.com/weblog/2010/08/30/how-can-i-support-my-friends-with-special-needs-kids-dos-and-donts

Aimee4 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes absolutely many people have the best of intentions. I think it's a great idea for you to start a separate thread about what is helpful to say and feel free to ask people to share their child's diagnosis as well. We have had threads with suggestions before and there are many blogposts giving suggestions for what would be helpful to say to parents of kids with SN. I also think it is very healthy for a bunch of parents of kids with special needs to be able to blow off steam and even laugh about hurtful comments and that is what this thread is for.

I did ask something similar to this a few months back and no one responded.

A few others have responded with excellent guidelines and maybe there is no need to add anything, but I'd like to respond to you directly. I don't remember your post but maybe no one answered because it's impossible to come up with a pat response. Children's needs are incredibly varied, and family situations all different, and parents' personalities (and own needs) contrasting. The only way I know to answer you is with general rules: listen, try to empathize, ask what you can do to help, and ask the parents again next time you see them. Remember that we have hopes and expectations for our kids too and we like to share them.

I actually do think most parents of kids with special needs cut well-intentioned people a lot of slack, but sometimes their comments are the most hurtful because they can't be so easily dismissed. I understand that friends/relatives mean to be supportive when they say, "There is absolutely nothing wrong with your kids!" That kind of argument might work great when a high schooler feels like a loser after getting dumped. But when I hear it with respect to me children it frustrates me for so many reasons: besides invalidating my own feelings and struggle (which is really the least of it), such a comment denies my child the support that he requires--without which he is likely to fail. And when my child behaves (predictably given his needs) in an inappropriate way, the blame falls squarely on me (bad parent) or child (bad seed).

In sum, take parents concerns seriously and try to listen and learn.

"I almost wish my child was in a wheelchair because people would finally recognize that he has a real problem."

What you mean he has special needs? He looks like all the other boys

My kid couldn't have ADHD. She's smart.

All boys are clumsy at that age. He'll grow out of it.

He's hard to understand because you and his siblings know what he's saying and don't make him articulate.

Oh dear God. Leaving aside the insensitivity of the comment, they had a hard time because their child needs glasses???

One of the most annoying things someone said to me was, after I told her that my son has Asperger's she said:

"well I know it's hard when you find out that your child is not perfect. We had a hard time when we found out that our young daughter needed glasses....."

Glasses?? WTF!!! Was this supposed to be an analogy? This person is generally pretty sensitive so I just chalked it up to her being well-meaning but unbelievably clueless.

My SIL has a daughter with Downs Syndrome and people constantly tell her that DS kids are always happy. NOT true. They have a full range of emotions like everyone else.

My DD has Tourette Syndrome and people always tell me that she seems fine to them and they don't see any tics. I guess the are trying to be nice.

Anonymous wrote:Your life is a "Trip to Holland" (What the Dutch did to deserve this yarn, I will never understand)

LOL.....Yes, the Holland thing pisses me off..there are 2 sarcastic "versions" I like..."Holland Scholland" and "Welcome to Beiruit"

As much as I prefer this be a VENT thread and not a what to say thread since I've been there done that...I think as others said...here are a few tips..


don't minimize what we are going through

Don't put on your Pollyanna outfit and try to convince us life is sunshine and roses because God chose you to have a child with SN


Don't try to get out hopes up with some miracle story or tell us we don't need to get our child help

Simply, listen, validate and offer a beer

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"Well you're actually lucky - you missed the hard parts of having to be up all night with a crying baby. All you had to do was pump and go back to sleep" (said when baby was in the NICU for a month after birth).

OMG my SIL said the SAME thing to me!! My jaw dropped when I heard that.

I'm the one who posted this. That comment was my first introduction to the fact that not only was my world changing with the birth of my SN child but that I would have friendships that would not survive this occurrence. Of course I would also find a whole group of amazing new friends through the SN world, but I didn't know that yet.

Anonymous wrote:
"Well you're actually lucky - you missed the hard parts of having to be up all night with a crying baby. All you had to do was pump and go back to sleep" (said when baby was in the NICU for a month after birth).

OMG my SIL said the SAME thing to me!! My jaw dropped when I heard that.

Aimee4 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes absolutely many people have the best of intentions. I think it's a great idea for you to start a separate thread about what is helpful to say and feel free to ask people to share their child's diagnosis as well. We have had threads with suggestions before and there are many blogposts giving suggestions for what would be helpful to say to parents of kids with SN. I also think it is very healthy for a bunch of parents of kids with special needs to be able to blow off steam and even laugh about hurtful comments and that is what this thread is for.

I did ask something similar to this a few months back and no one responded.

How odd, because just "a few months back" I posted a whole thing on the DCUM main page entitled "What to say to parents of special needs kids." In fact, you can go RIGHT NOW and read it.

I am enjoying this post. Keep them coming. This is a little cathartic.

Mine was "I would never let my kid act like that".

As for nice things to say - how about nothing. I don't mean that in a mean way - just don't say anything.

Or offer me a glass of wine - I always like that.

Anonymous wrote:Yes absolutely many people have the best of intentions. I think it's a great idea for you to start a separate thread about what is helpful to say and feel free to ask people to share their child's diagnosis as well. We have had threads with suggestions before and there are many blogposts giving suggestions for what would be helpful to say to parents of kids with SN. I also think it is very healthy for a bunch of parents of kids with special needs to be able to blow off steam and even laugh about hurtful comments and that is what this thread is for.

I did ask something similar to this a few months back and no one responded.