Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

In many cases yes. Most young working parents who get maybe 2-3 weeks leave/year (half of which is eaten up by kids being sick, school closures etc) don’t want to use up their precious remaining leave cleaning and cooking to host grandparents for a holiday meal and can’t afford to cater or take everyone out to a restaurant.

Some people just can't be pleased. They don't want to host or be hosted.

Correction: they don’t want to host you, and they don’t want to be hosted by you.

Generally it's polite to reciprocate hosting. But manners are rare here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

In many cases yes. Most young working parents who get maybe 2-3 weeks leave/year (half of which is eaten up by kids being sick, school closures etc) don’t want to use up their precious remaining leave cleaning and cooking to host grandparents for a holiday meal and can’t afford to cater or take everyone out to a restaurant.

Some people just can't be pleased. They don't want to host or be hosted.

It sounds like her family was happy to BE hosted.
Op, this was a fail.
If you are tired of cooking, you should have just ordered catered T-giving dinner and still gotten to see your family. Clearly cost is not an issue for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

In many cases yes. Most young working parents who get maybe 2-3 weeks leave/year (half of which is eaten up by kids being sick, school closures etc) don’t want to use up their precious remaining leave cleaning and cooking to host grandparents for a holiday meal and can’t afford to cater or take everyone out to a restaurant.

Some people just can't be pleased. They don't want to host or be hosted.

No, some people just don’t want to be obligated to spend a holiday with particular family members and yet will (quietly grudgingly) agree to be hosted, rather than do what they would prefer, to avoid hurting their feelings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

In many cases yes. Most young working parents who get maybe 2-3 weeks leave/year (half of which is eaten up by kids being sick, school closures etc) don’t want to use up their precious remaining leave cleaning and cooking to host grandparents for a holiday meal and can’t afford to cater or take everyone out to a restaurant.

Some people just can't be pleased. They don't want to host or be hosted.

Correction: they don’t want to host you, and they don’t want to be hosted by you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

In many cases yes. Most young working parents who get maybe 2-3 weeks leave/year (half of which is eaten up by kids being sick, school closures etc) don’t want to use up their precious remaining leave cleaning and cooking to host grandparents for a holiday meal and can’t afford to cater or take everyone out to a restaurant.

Some people just can't be pleased. They don't want to host or be hosted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

In many cases yes. Most young working parents who get maybe 2-3 weeks leave/year (half of which is eaten up by kids being sick, school closures etc) don’t want to use up their precious remaining leave cleaning and cooking to host grandparents for a holiday meal and can’t afford to cater or take everyone out to a restaurant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, now you blew it. New Thanksgiving tradition of everyone doing what they want. Enjoy your no work but lonely Thanksgiving.

NP and do you realize you’re talking to every mother of adult children? Any mom who has hosted tons should be able to say, I’m tired. And a son should step up and host for once. Even if that means heating up food from Wegmans or arranging a restaurant and everyone pays their own way. At the very least, there should have been more discussion. To leave it with “we’ll figure it out” and then to pull a fast one that leaves your frequent hosts out in the cold isn’t fair.

This is very dependent on the ages/health/capability of all of the parties in question.

A empty nest healthy retired couple in their early 60s expecting their adult children with busy jobs and young kids to host them for thanksgiving because they’re “tired” and no longer feel like hosting comes across as selfish and tone deaf.

However if the grandparents are elderly or have health issues and are actually no longer positioned to step up to host then obviously just abandoning them at that point to make other plans is cruel.

From OP’s posts it sounds like she is in the first category.

This. Are the parents of young children not tired? If retirees overextend and get tired they can rest as much as they like. Is OP under the impression that because she was a SAHM, her DILs should be too?

At least 1 DIL offered to host at some point. Plenty of parents with kids host their own Thanksgiving.

Yes, and OP turned down DIL and kept playing Perpetual Hostess for multiple years after. Even if it’s true she had CA guests that year, she should have made a point to say, “But that said, I would absolutely love to visit your home for Thanksgiving, and help in any way that would be helpful. Can we take you up on that next year?”

Seriously - so tired of the Boomers who won’t give up control until the last minute. AND also trying to control everyone else’s time off (beach week, which presumably they took time off work for) and Thanksgiving every year. I’m a similar DIL and I am going to be 60 before I get to host my own holiday in my own home at the rate things are going. Love my mother and MIL, but they both will not relinquish being hostess, even though they can barely handle it in their late 70s. I help out, when they allow it.

You’re such a doormat you haven’t simply hosted at your house and invited them? I did that years and years ago. DH and I didn’t register for entertaining items in our wedding registry never to use them. For two years in a row, we told both sets of parents we’re celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas at our home, and they were welcome to join. They caved pretty fast. It was particularly satisfying the first year when MIL said no to Thanksgiving and both her other children and their families showed up at my house instead; both of those families live HOURS closer to us, so it made sense for them to accept our invitation. MIL and FIL had Thanksgiving at their club.

Welp better lock those kiddos down for the beach house next summer

Sounds like you monopolized one son's Thanksgiving so they took it as an opportunity to go to his wife's side. Completely reasonable.

And honestly, I wish I could go away for it instead of feeling obligated to family. We did it during that weird Covid time where you could travel but people didn't necessarily want to be around each other. It was a great time to travel with school aged kids.

As for being annoyed no one offered after she offered a couple years ago, things change. Maybe she was up for it a few years ago but not this year.

If it was such a big deal to you, you should have offered to host but asked for help ..people could have brought stuff.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

Same. I host them frequently but not with thanksgiving level expectations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

No, but you can't force someone else to host either. Get a hotel and a restaurant.

Do something fun and enjoy not having to host. Go to Bermuda, or wherever.
Next year, ask them if they would like you to host Thanksgiving and, if so, whether they will be able to come. No drama needed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

So OP is right it is pay to play?

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to host, you get to control that. You don't get to control deciding someone else will host.

If you want to get together, then suggest that everyone meet up a week after their Thanksgiving plans to catch up at a restaurant.

+1 if my mom or MIL don’t host the holidays (esp Thanksgiving because it involves a lot of cooking), then we won’t be spending it with them! No way I’m hosting it at my home. I am busy enough already.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, now you blew it. New Thanksgiving tradition of everyone doing what they want. Enjoy your no work but lonely Thanksgiving.

NP and do you realize you’re talking to every mother of adult children? Any mom who has hosted tons should be able to say, I’m tired. And a son should step up and host for once. Even if that means heating up food from Wegmans or arranging a restaurant and everyone pays their own way. At the very least, there should have been more discussion. To leave it with “we’ll figure it out” and then to pull a fast one that leaves your frequent hosts out in the cold isn’t fair.

This is very dependent on the ages/health/capability of all of the parties in question.

A empty nest healthy retired couple in their early 60s expecting their adult children with busy jobs and young kids to host them for thanksgiving because they’re “tired” and no longer feel like hosting comes across as selfish and tone deaf.

However if the grandparents are elderly or have health issues and are actually no longer positioned to step up to host then obviously just abandoning them at that point to make other plans is cruel.

From OP’s posts it sounds like she is in the first category.

This. Are the parents of young children not tired? If retirees overextend and get tired they can rest as much as they like. Is OP under the impression that because she was a SAHM, her DILs should be too?

At least 1 DIL offered to host at some point. Plenty of parents with kids host their own Thanksgiving.

Yes, and OP turned down DIL and kept playing Perpetual Hostess for multiple years after. Even if it’s true she had CA guests that year, she should have made a point to say, “But that said, I would absolutely love to visit your home for Thanksgiving, and help in any way that would be helpful. Can we take you up on that next year?”

Seriously - so tired of the Boomers who won’t give up control until the last minute. AND also trying to control everyone else’s time off (beach week, which presumably they took time off work for) and Thanksgiving every year. I’m a similar DIL and I am going to be 60 before I get to host my own holiday in my own home at the rate things are going. Love my mother and MIL, but they both will not relinquish being hostess, even though they can barely handle it in their late 70s. I help out, when they allow it.