Anonymous wrote:Your party and you don't like or want her there, don't invite her. You're allowed to feel the way you do. You don't have to sacrifice your celebration to keep the peace. I've faced something similar and regretted being talked into giving in to the "Judy" in my life. Life is too short for that. She already thinks you're an MF, so you have nothing to lose here, as far as I can see. Her issues are with your brother and if he's anything like mine, he is the biggest problem in the equation.

It's very different if a relative is prone to outbursts that ruin events. I don't see any evidence of that here. It's hurt feelings about the past that are raw on both sides. I honestly don't know what it means to "not invite" a spouse to a party 1800 (!) miles away. This feels like the end of your relationship with that brother, OP.

Likely Judy will decide not to come and blame the distance but specifically saying "your wife is not welcome" is very different. Who's going to just say "okay sounds great then."

Your party and you don't like or want her there, don't invite her. You're allowed to feel the way you do. You don't have to sacrifice your celebration to keep the peace. I've faced something similar and regretted being talked into giving in to the "Judy" in my life. Life is too short for that. She already thinks you're an MF, so you have nothing to lose here, as far as I can see. Her issues are with your brother and if he's anything like mine, he is the biggest problem in the equation.

Looks like AI needs an editor.

Okay so: Judy had a point. Are you ready to hear that and accept that? Now, I'll agree that it would have been better if ALEX was the one pushing back on you guys - you're right about that. But if the messenger had been Alex instead of Judy? Oh boy would they be right and you be wrong. Times, like, a thousand. And by far the most likely scenario is that Alex was actually not totally happy with everything and Judy was not the only naysayer, but that they BOTH disliked this plan, and Judy was the one who spoke up.

It is really, really unfair and presumptuous for the three siblings who either live far away or are busy with full time jobs to insist that eldercare be done in such a way that relies disproportionally on the remaining local sibling. Even when it is done out of an earnest belief that that's what's best for the elderly people in question. This is so, so common. The far away siblings are just trying to do what is best for their parents, and the nearby siblings are having to do way more than the far away siblings realize (even with 24/7 care - that's just the reality), plus everyone is struggling and grieving. It's HARD. On everyone. And let's be real - EVERYONE freaks out about bedbugs.

Now - if she really did curse at you, that is obviously totally unacceptable. But I think you should throw Alex a bone here. He loves her. He's grieving your father. His wife doesn't get along with his siblings. He's still dealing with your mother to some extent. You love him.

Before you decide on the invites, call Alex. Say something like "I'm still really hurt by how Judy behaved over the past year regarding Mom and Dad. I don't know if I'll ever truly get over it. But I don't want to be a wedge in this family, and I love you and want to stay close to you. And if we did expect too much from you with regards to Mom and Dad's care, I'm sorry about that. And I hope if you feel that way in the future, you will come to me, not Judy. However, I would appreciate an apology from Judy for calling me a motherf*cker. That was way out of line, and I don't think I'll be able to get past it without an apology" and see what he says. Especially given that, as you say "Alex doesn't understand why I'm so upset with her and why I do not want to be around her" - that, to me, says you guys haven't had a real, honest conversation about this since tempers cooled.

If you have that conversation with Alex, and no apology is forthcoming from Judy, I think it's okay to not invite her, but you need to recognize that this will have a negative impact on your relationship with Alex. Right or wrong, that's just reality. So make sure that's a trade off you're willing to make.

But I think by opening a conversation with Alex, you may be able to get an apology, make your peace with Judy, let go of the anger, and mend the fence a bit. It’s at least worth a phone call.

I'm so sorry about your father. Good luck with your mom.

Team Judy.

Also, I think it's a bit ridiculous to hold a graduation party 1800 miles away. If you can do that, you could have flown home to help out. If I was your sibling, I'd be annoyed at an obvious money and attention grab. I can't even imagine the thought process here.

Anonymous wrote:This isn't your question but it's not fair for one sibling to be the main caregiver but be outvoted in decisions about care. If you and your other siblings were the ones enforcing the "stay at home" thing, that's pretty bad. But it's unclear if that was happening. In any case, probably way more to this story.

For the party you can't just leave a wife off the guestlist. If you invite him she is also invited. No one is checking a family party "guest list" like that. So you need to decide if you want to invite THEM or not.

Did you ever thank her for the sacrifices she made? I know you can't relate, but surely you acknowledge the uneven burden put on your brother and by extension, her, right?

FWIW I'm an only child and my spouse is the out of town sibling so I really don't have a dog in this fight.

OP has already rationalized that it was all brother's "choice" that way she can unburden herself from any guilt a normal person might fee.

This isn't your question but it's not fair for one sibling to be the main caregiver but be outvoted in decisions about care. If you and your other siblings were the ones enforcing the "stay at home" thing, that's pretty bad. But it's unclear if that was happening. In any case, probably way more to this story.

For the party you can't just leave a wife off the guestlist. If you invite him she is also invited. No one is checking a family party "guest list" like that. So you need to decide if you want to invite THEM or not.

Did you ever thank her for the sacrifices she made? I know you can't relate, but surely you acknowledge the uneven burden put on your brother and by extension, her, right?

FWIW I'm an only child and my spouse is the out of town sibling so I really don't have a dog in this fight.

Anonymous wrote:I'm on team Judy. You were being a stubborn asshat.

+100. It's lovely how much op minimized the hell that is bed bugs.

You are the ah op.

Invite her. She had to deal with your parents.

Anonymous wrote:1. You're a troll.

2. Invite Judy. She was right, after all.

Agree. Troll. Last time someone was named Judy was circa 1923.

You can’t invite brother and not his wife. If that’s your plan, you will implode your relationship with your brother. Cancel the party. Why are you having a grad party 1800 miles away? Your DD didn’t choose this.

Anonymous wrote:It's clear you have no idea how it feels to be the "in-town" caregiver. And also, you don't care. Your lack of empathy means you probably don't want a relationship with your brother and his wife any more.

You're being unreasonable. But also, why would you invite people you clearly hate to your party?

The underlying motivator is most likely money. Nursing homes for 2 elderly demential patients is astronomical. Also, inviting brother and SIL means they would give niece a graduation present. No invite equals no gift. Greed is the why.

Anonymous wrote:Actually going to side with the OP here. The SIL should have vented her frustrations to her husband and let him decide how much to say to his siblings (it's not even really clear if SIL was speaking on his behalf or if SIL resented his visiting more than he did). Texting the in-laws and cursing them out is never appropriate. If a husband did that on behalf of his wife doing too much to take care of parents, he'd seem deranged. I can understand why OP doesn't want to deal with the SIL, but she really should invite or not invite the spouses as a unit so it kind of depends how important it is to make her brother feel welcome to come.

The squeaky wheel worked here. SIL wasn't taking any more shit and OP was caught off guard that taking advantage wasn't going to work anymore.

Actually going to side with the OP here. The SIL should have vented her frustrations to her husband and let him decide how much to say to his siblings (it's not even really clear if SIL was speaking on his behalf or if SIL resented his visiting more than he did). Texting the in-laws and cursing them out is never appropriate. If a husband did that on behalf of his wife doing too much to take care of parents, he'd seem deranged. I can understand why OP doesn't want to deal with the SIL, but she really should invite or not invite the spouses as a unit so it kind of depends how important it is to make her brother feel welcome to come.

You’re awful, OP.