Anonymous wrote:Sure you can come live closer to us but we know how much you value being completely independent of us, and how you struggle to tolerate spending any time with me or the kids, so we suggest you make sure your new home is in an area with a lot of social opportunities for you so you aren’t needing to see us more than once every couple weeks. Especially with the kids getting older and not being as flexible as they have been for the past decade.

Anonymous wrote:It’s not disrespect, it’s selfishness typical of so many old people. Plus judging by what you told about her she was always selfish.

Anonymous wrote:OK, clearly DH living with MIL for weeks or months on end isn’t reasonable, but…

…you jumping alllllll the way to that horrid theory is wild, considering that the clearest explanation for her behavior is: she. Is. Reeling. From. The. Loss. Of. Her. Husband.

She has a valid excuse for irrational thinking and behavior right now. What’s your excuse, OP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live on the opposite side of the country from ILs. DH recently flew to be with his parents for two weeks, to stay with his FIL until his passing (he had late stage cancer) and a few days after to help his mom with their affairs.

When DH came home, he told me that his mom had wanted him to live with her for a couple months. Without us. I understand her wanting his company, and asking him to stay for another week, or to visit again. But DH is a grown man with a wife and young kids, not to mention a full-time job.

This is the same woman who told me from the early days of our marriage that now that DH was married, we should live our lives independently of theirs, expect nothing from them, and they would do the same. I see now that this line was just an excuse for them to never visit us and to divest themselves of any grandparent-type duties (except when they felt like it), and that the expectation is one-way. I completely support DH flying to his mom to help her out, or our whole family flying over to spend time with her. But for DH to live with her without us?!? I understand there is grief, but this expectation is just insanity, pure selfishness and disrespectful to me and the kids.

I think you're being really dramatic. Presumably your MIL is older and this is the first time in many decades that she has been alone.

Can your husband do his job remotely? Does he have siblings? Does he want to go stay with her for a few months?

I get that having your spouse gone and you have young kids is a lot - do you work, OP? I'm guessing no or you wouldn't expect her to have invited you as well.

You have clearly never liked you MIL, but in my opinion, this is your husband's call to make. He can't be blind to the imposition it puts on your and your kids, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. And if you don't work, then you are being really selfish and rude.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also did not read OP’s post as being horrible. MIL is grieving and is probably anxious about living alone for the first time in decades. While her request is understandable, it is not at all reasonable. I would be upset about it as well.

Op, does your husband have siblings? Is anyone else helping out? What does your husband say about this?

DH is an only. FIL has close relatives in the area, but MIL didn’t and doesn’t want their help, I don’t know why. She kept the diagnosis from them, and they found out only when FIL’s cousin showed up at my ILs’ door unannounced a few days before FIL passed. Basically FIL’s family members got worried about no contact from ILs, so cousin drove two hours to their house to make sure they were okay. MIL also refuses to have a memorial service in their area, even though that is where all of FIL’s relatives live. She said she will have one in our area even though we are the only ones out here. FIL clearly has family members who cared for him, and I would be devastated if I were one of them. This is pretty typical behavior of MIL. DH doesn’t agree with MIL’s decision, but he says it’s up to her.

DH is planning to go back to MIL in a couple weeks to help her out. I know he wants to be there for her, but after spending two weeks with her and dying FIL, he was so relieved to be back home.

Anonymous wrote:We live on the opposite side of the country from ILs. DH recently flew to be with his parents for two weeks, to stay with his FIL until his passing (he had late stage cancer) and a few days after to help his mom with their affairs.

When DH came home, he told me that his mom had wanted him to live with her for a couple months. Without us. I understand her wanting his company, and asking him to stay for another week, or to visit again. But DH is a grown man with a wife and young kids, not to mention a full-time job.

This is the same woman who told me from the early days of our marriage that now that DH was married, we should live our lives independently of theirs, expect nothing from them, and they would do the same. I see now that this line was just an excuse for them to never visit us and to divest themselves of any grandparent-type duties (except when they felt like it), and that the expectation is one-way. I completely support DH flying to his mom to help her out, or our whole family flying over to spend time with her. But for DH to live with her without us?!? I understand there is grief, but this expectation is just insanity, pure selfishness and disrespectful to me and the kids.

Anonymous wrote: She's grieving, scared, and probably has not lived alone for a very long time if forever. She asked her son to stay longer. Not to live with her, but to stay a while. Why are you attacking her for that? I understand gently saying no, but your post is really horrible.

Anonymous wrote:I understand her not wanting you all there, too much commotion with small kids, DIL is not even blood family etc, but she shouldn’t be so open about it.
I live close to my dad, my brother visits yearly and my SIL insists on bringing the family and making it a family vacation. My dad doesn’t have a lot of rapport with her or his grandkids unfortunately; my brother and I would just appreciate spending some low key time with dad, but we can’t really say anything because it would be rude.

Anonymous wrote:It’s not disrespect, it’s selfishness typical of so many old people. Plus judging by what you told about her she was always selfish.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also did not read OP’s post as being horrible. MIL is grieving and is probably anxious about living alone for the first time in decades. While her request is understandable, it is not at all reasonable. I would be upset about it as well.

Op, does your husband have siblings? Is anyone else helping out? What does your husband say about this?

DH is an only. FIL has close relatives in the area, but MIL didn’t and doesn’t want their help, I don’t know why. She kept the diagnosis from them, and they found out only when FIL’s cousin showed up at my ILs’ door unannounced a few days before FIL passed. Basically FIL’s family members got worried about no contact from ILs, so cousin drove two hours to their house to make sure they were okay. MIL also refuses to have a memorial service in their area, even though that is where all of FIL’s relatives live. She said she will have one in our area even though we are the only ones out here. FIL clearly has family members who cared for him, and I would be devastated if I were one of them. This is pretty typical behavior of MIL. DH doesn’t agree with MIL’s decision, but he says it’s up to her.

DH is planning to go back to MIL in a couple weeks to help her out. I know he wants to be there for her, but after spending two weeks with her and dying FIL, he was so relieved to be back home.