Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of people would rather be married than divorced even if they are miserable.

Probably.

Plus going through the divorce can take a lot of time, energy and money.
And 50/50 coparenting doesn’t solve one side’s executive functioning or parenting or narc issues. It just presents more constraints and logistics for the functional parent and the kids.

Going through a divorce with kids, while doing all the kids’ day-to-day, selling the house, and full-time work is really a lot. Get your support system at the ready. Or be tough as nails for two years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have written it before on this board but I don’t consider my marriage “happy.” My husband has disappointed me many times and made me unhappy. I married young and with life experience I’ve understood that I might have had a happier marriage with someone else. But that’s life. He is always there for me now as we get older and deal with illness and loss. He is my person. Some people think we have a very happy marriage but I have never found this to be the case.

This is kind of where I am. We had a very rough decade and are trying now, but I am at a point where I just don't like him most of the time. He talks incessantly about moving somewhere I have no interest in moving, which is very typical for him - pressure until I cave. I'm actually hoping we can agree to buy a second property there and we'll spend the majority of our time separated.

Pp you are responding to and DH and I have been separated for half the year while he cared for a dying member of his family.

On the one hand, I loved that he was willing to drop everything to take care of his family. I love that about him. I was happy that he was able to be with his family member until their last day and could hold her hand and tell her he loved her. I love him enough to take care of everything while he is away.

On the other hand, in many ways life was so easy and light while he was gone. He helps at home but is high maintenance. And he was of course upset and irritable when he has been home.

Anonymous wrote:I have written it before on this board but I don’t consider my marriage “happy.” My husband has disappointed me many times and made me unhappy. I married young and with life experience I’ve understood that I might have had a happier marriage with someone else. But that’s life. He is always there for me now as we get older and deal with illness and loss. He is my person. Some people think we have a very happy marriage but I have never found this to be the case.

This is kind of where I am. We had a very rough decade and are trying now, but I am at a point where I just don't like him most of the time. He talks incessantly about moving somewhere I have no interest in moving, which is very typical for him - pressure until I cave. I'm actually hoping we can agree to buy a second property there and we'll spend the majority of our time separated.

Anonymous wrote:I have written it before on this board but I don’t consider my marriage “happy.” My husband has disappointed me many times and made me unhappy. I married young and with life experience I’ve understood that I might have had a happier marriage with someone else. But that’s life. He is always there for me now as we get older and deal with illness and loss. He is my person. Some people think we have a very happy marriage but I have never found this to be the case.

Reading this makes me really sad…

Anonymous wrote:Lots of people would rather be married than divorced even if they are miserable.

Probably.

Plus going through the divorce can take a lot of time, energy and money.
And 50/50 coparenting doesn’t solve one side’s executive functioning or parenting or narc issues. It just presents more constraints and logistics for then function so parent and the kids.

Anonymous wrote:I think I know more people with bad marriages than good ones. They stick it out - either indefinitely or for the time being but almost no one is happy with their spouses around age 50. All have their reasons and they’re all valid IMO.

Agree.
Same
People get let down so much things get bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

This is the weirdest take on friendship I have ever heard. What's the point about talking to your friends about your life and your struggles? If you can't answer that, I truly can't help you. And you don't have very good friends or at least not deep friendships.

And if you married someone whose face you hate, I also don't know how to help you...

What’s the point of telling my friends that I don’t like DH’s face and name? They also wouldn’t know how to help me. It was my choice to marry him, and I owned it. When I became ready to pursue happiness, I made another choice by leaving him and finding a man who is my type physically, and now I can’t take my eyes and hands off him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

Translation: I viciously gossiped about and criticized my husband to everyone in town.

What the actual F is wrong with you? Seriously. I'm talking about my FRIENDS. Sorry you don't have any.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the opposite. Know more happy ones than unhappy ones.

Said literally everyone who was blindsided when my ex and I separated. We put up a great facade!

Unless you've really low EQ friends, likely they did know but let you maintain your facade.

Nope. You literally never, ever know. Just learned that happily married friends ...are divorcing. I didn't argue in public with my ex. Many people don't.

Well then they weren't very happily married, were they?

Basically life's a disappointment most of the time.

Anonymous wrote:This forum is really pathetic sometimes. "I know happy marriages".

"No you don't"
"They are lying to you"
"Your friends just don't tell you anything ".

Seriously. Every time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

This is the weirdest take on friendship I have ever heard. What's the point about talking to your friends about your life and your struggles? If you can't answer that, I truly can't help you. And you don't have very good friends or at least not deep friendships.

And if you married someone whose face you hate, I also don't know how to help you...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Marriage can be good one day and bad another day. Just like the weather can change from one day to another, the temperature and mood of a marriage can change dramatically day to day. You just don't know.

Um. Not really. That is not a normal or typical experience.

Agreed. I can absolutely be annoyed with my husband today and then get over it but I wouldn't describe my marriage as bad just because he didn't take the trash out on time.

I have written it before on this board but I don’t consider my marriage “happy.” My husband has disappointed me many times and made me unhappy. I married young and with life experience I’ve understood that I might have had a happier marriage with someone else. But that’s life. He is always there for me now as we get older and deal with illness and loss. He is my person. Some people think we have a very happy marriage but I have never found this to be the case.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

LOL. Like you're a mind-reader and know what they're actually thinking, maybe they are fakers just like you. That would if course never occur to you would it

Firstly, that’s exactly what I said - that nobody knows what’s going on inside one’s family and head.

Secondly, I’ve never faked anything pretending that I’m happy with DH. I was happy around my friends because I love them and was truly happy to see them - which had nothing to do with my feelings for DH. It was their own interpretation that if I look happy, I must be happy with my whole life.