Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, he’s always been like this even before we married. I was too inexperienced at the time to understand what a red flag it would be for a marriage and raising children.

Like a PP mentioned, it has definitely affected my desire to be close to him. All physical attraction has gone out the window. And then he wonders why I never want to be intimate.

I don’t leave because we have a SN child, otherwise I would. I’m trying to find ways to fill my time and find fulfillment through friends and hobbies, but this is tough.

I'm the pp who called out op for not sexually satisfying her husband. Nailed it.

It's difficult to puzzle this out when absolutely no context is provided, such as what do the two of you quarrel about? If you are having financial difficulties there will be a general level of discontent

Most guys are pretty simple. Feed him and sexually satisfy him on the regular and he will be like putty in your hands.

I'll bet OP does neither.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my wife is the same. Not just to me, but with the kids as well. We've all learnt to walk on eggshells. But similar to your husband, when she says something, we are supposed to accept it and move on.

OP here. I’m sorry. My husband acts like this in public too, in front of our friends and family. There was one episode I swore to myself I was going to divorce him over, it was so humiliating and isolating. But again, the logistics with our SN child are just too much.

I wish life didn’t have to be like this. I’m confused why he does it too. It’s not like he comes from a dysfunctional family either.

I am having trouble imagining a situation where him STFU and sulking in public could be a humiliating experience, but I wasn’t there and don’t understand the events that transpired.

Does he do it because he is naturally emotional and learned that he needs to process by himself to avoid unnecessary fights or is he attempting to manipulate others by taking his ball and going home?

You can’t imagine that at a dinner party, a person refusing to answer or giving one word answers to everyone for the night would be very embarrassing?

That’s troubling. What set him off to behave this way?

That’s a horrible thing to be on the receiving end of, I’m sorry op.

Sounds like my mom. She was very manipulative and self centered.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How frequently does he have theses pouting episodes? And, what kinds of things set him off?

I’d say they’re probably twice a month. Most recently, he got upset when I told him I wasn’t feeling well and may have picked up the cold he just recovered from. He told me I needed to start taking emergen-C right away, to which I replied I don’t think that’s going to cure it, you have to be taking it as prevention to boost your immune system. His face immediately dropped and I asked him what was wrong. He told me that I was making him feel like it’s all his fault, that he doesn’t know how to be around me, and that he needs time to decompress. I checked in with him later that night and he said he was still upset. So now we’re not speaking.

He’s definitely being dramatic, but…if you want to meet him halfway I can see where this conversation could have gone differently. If he suggested you take Emergen C, even if you didn’t think it could work, you could have said “yeah I’ll try that, thanks” and given it a shot. If I suggest something to my teen and they immediately tell me why they think it’s a bad suggestion, I do find it limiting and insulting, like they think I’m an idiot. It costs nothing for you to hear him and acknowledge his ideas. Even if you don’t even end up trying it, he will feel heard.

I’m not saying you should have to baby him or walk around on eggshells with him, but if you refuse to divorce and you can’t stand it; then throw him a bone and be a better listener. “Thanks I’ll consider that” is easy to say and move on

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Being transparent..

I've done this before. Sometimes my silence is just the time I need to process and move on.

Therapy assisted greatly. Essentially it's harder to get over and move on from things ..

I'm working on it.. All I got DCUM

As long as you’re honest with them. “I’m not silent to hurt you; I’m still processing. I love you and I’m just working through my feelings.”

Otherwise you’re using your silence as a weapon.

I'm very honest about it .. Appreicate your thoughtful response too.

You’re welcome! And I’m glad you’re honest about it. But do read OP’s difficulty with how her DH handles things and use her experiences to try and help you shorten your processing time. It’ll be better for you as well if you don’t hold on to the anger as long as you have in the past. Your brain and body will benefit from this. GL!

So, you feel a cold coming on, he gets upset and doesn't talk to you for a few days. This isn't rational behavior. Have you tried couples counseling?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone see my post about the most recent example? Is this normal?

I don’t think he’s doing it to be controlling. He is highly emotional. But to me that’s not an excuse to act in a way that ends up looking the same as someone who is trying to control you with the silent treatment.

Sounds like mental illness. My sister's DH was like this, and self-medicating with marijuana. I thought he was just a very anxious person and they were both spiraling (like, the more anxious he got, the more sensitive, and the higher the number of things that triggered him, until they barely ever spoke). Do you think looking into anxiety might help? I guess bringing it up would lead to more silent treatment and being offended? I don't know how you would get him to actually get screened for it.

Adding to my previous post: It might have gotten worse because of the pressures of having an SN child, which is in general hard on marriages. Any chance that he'd get therapy for that, to start? Maybe the focus should be on processing his own feelings--and then maybe they could get to his anxiety?

At this point, the amount of resentment is probably so large, that I'm not sure how you'll ever move past it. I guess practically speaking, try to minimize in-person interactions. Does he react better if you text or email him? Or will he misinterpret the messages for maximum offendedness?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How frequently does he have theses pouting episodes? And, what kinds of things set him off?

I’d say they’re probably twice a month. Most recently, he got upset when I told him I wasn’t feeling well and may have picked up the cold he just recovered from. He told me I needed to start taking emergen-C right away, to which I replied I don’t think that’s going to cure it, you have to be taking it as prevention to boost your immune system. His face immediately dropped and I asked him what was wrong. He told me that I was making him feel like it’s all his fault, that he doesn’t know how to be around me, and that he needs time to decompress. I checked in with him later that night and he said he was still upset. So now we’re not speaking.

Wow. You are married to a completely emotionally immature person. I'm so sorry. That is nuts.

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone see my post about the most recent example? Is this normal?

I don’t think he’s doing it to be controlling. He is highly emotional. But to me that’s not an excuse to act in a way that ends up looking the same as someone who is trying to control you with the silent treatment.

Sounds like mental illness. My sister's DH was like this, and self-medicating with marijuana. I thought he was just a very anxious person and they were both spiraling (like, the more anxious he got, the more sensitive, and the higher the number of things that triggered him, until they barely ever spoke). Do you think looking into anxiety might help? I guess bringing it up would lead to more silent treatment and being offended? I don't know how you would get him to actually get screened for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Being transparent..

I've done this before. Sometimes my silence is just the time I need to process and move on.

Therapy assisted greatly. Essentially it's harder to get over and move on from things ..

I'm working on it.. All I got DCUM

Do better than I'm working on it and if you are doing this to your children in any capacity, you're a bad person. Sort your crap out.

Not PP, but he acknowledged a personal issue explained that he went to therapy, achieved noticeable improvement and acknowledged that he is an imperfect man in a single post and you kicked him. Are a general lack of appreciation, compassion and forgiveness things you always bring to the table or are those saved up for DCUM?

As the child of a parent who gave out the silent treatment and an observer of a marriage where one partner doled it out to the other, I don't have any compassion or forgiveness on this topic. I'm working on it is not I stopped doing it.

This type of behavior from a parent really will mess a kid up and it's no way to treat another human.

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone see my post about the most recent example? Is this normal?

I don’t think he’s doing it to be controlling. He is highly emotional. But to me that’s not an excuse to act in a way that ends up looking the same as someone who is trying to control you with the silent treatment.

No that example is not at all normal behavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my wife is the same. Not just to me, but with the kids as well. We've all learnt to walk on eggshells. But similar to your husband, when she says something, we are supposed to accept it and move on.

OP here. I’m sorry. My husband acts like this in public too, in front of our friends and family. There was one episode I swore to myself I was going to divorce him over, it was so humiliating and isolating. But again, the logistics with our SN child are just too much.

I wish life didn’t have to be like this. I’m confused why he does it too. It’s not like he comes from a dysfunctional family either.

I am having trouble imagining a situation where him STFU and sulking in public could be a humiliating experience, but I wasn’t there and don’t understand the events that transpired.

Does he do it because he is naturally emotional and learned that he needs to process by himself to avoid unnecessary fights or is he attempting to manipulate others by taking his ball and going home?

You can’t imagine that at a dinner party, a person refusing to answer or giving one word answers to everyone for the night would be very embarrassing?

I just didn’t think of an intimate dinner party, appreciate the help. I was thinking of a larger social gathering where not being social would not necessarily be impactful.

Did anyone see my post about the most recent example? Is this normal?

I don’t think he’s doing it to be controlling. He is highly emotional. But to me that’s not an excuse to act in a way that ends up looking the same as someone who is trying to control you with the silent treatment.