To be clear:

This woman is not forcing OP or her daughter to provide free childcare. She asked for some help, OP said no, that is the end of that. OP is not burdened in any way by this situation, which is the other woman's problem.

OP isn't this woman's employer and we have NO IDEA what her job is. Everyone in this thread is thinking of their own job and saying "oh I could never do that." But this woman likely doesn't have your job. You don't know her situation.

I didn't have FT childcare when my first was a baby specifically because I didn't have FT work. I was doing contract work on a freelance basis, some for my former employer (who I left when I had my baby) and some for other clients. In the first year, I didn't do a ton of work, just a few projects here and there. I mostly was able to work on weekends or when the baby was sleeping, occasionally I'd hire a sitter for an afternoon. At one point I tried out a coworking space with childcare, which sounds like the perfect solution to someone in my situation, but was terrible because my baby cried the entire time we were there and I could hear her from the cowering space. So I never went back there.

There was just a lot of trial and error to figure out what made sense.

What didn't make sense was to put my kid in a FT daycare because there were some weeks where I didn't work at all, and the whole reason I shifted to contract work was to maximize my time at home with my baby. I recall trying for a while to get a part-time spot in a nanny share or daycare but had no luck.

I know for a fact that some acquaintances were weirdly triggered by my work and childcare situation at that time, because a lot of women are deeply bitter about their own work/childcare arrangements. I'm sympathetic to their struggles but reject anyone putting that on me. My life is not a dumping ground for your own resentment about work/life balance. I did what made sense for me, and most of the people who rolled their eyes or said rude things to me didn't understand my specific situation, what my workload was really like, or that I regularly paid for childcare but just not a daycare or nanny like they'd had. They also had no interest in learning, they just wanted to judge.

Which is also what OP is doing. She just wants to judge and feel superior. Her friend isn't making her do anything. OP is just bitter and taking it out on her "friend" instead of figuring out why the situation triggers her so much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did it with very PT help until 8 months but my kid was crawling around 6m walking at 9m so at m7 we finalized daycare and started her veryyyy gradually over the 1st month.

M1-M3: My husband was on leave for 12 weeks. I went back to work FT at 8 weeks even though I had a severe hemorrhage and other complications.
m3-m5:I worked while she napped and did lots of independent floor time. My mom came 1x week and worked from home with me.
M5-M7/8: Got PT help. 2x week for 4 hours m5, m6 and then we had a babysitter for the summer for my older kid 10-4. She took the baby 2-4.
M8-m9: Gradual move to FT daycare.

If my kid was not walking before 12 months I could have done the whole thing longer. She was great at independent play. We did 2 walks a day. I started work at 630. Walked brother to school at 8-830. Two 1 hr naps (min) while working. Walk at 230 for pickup. Dads home at 330. He takes over I finish at 430/5. I just drew out my day knowing I was either walking or settling her for 2 hours per day. We did outside play in a covered pack n play. Outdoor swing. Id set up activities.

If your kid is a good sleeper. If they independent play and they are not walking before 12m it is- depending on your workload and type of job- doable. Mine dropped to 1 nap by 11/12 months but I know some kids who sleep 830-730 and take a 2 hr AM nap and a 2 hr PM nap at that age or transition to 1 nap at sleep 3 hours.

So, you are proving how little time you worked.

Nope 630-430 is 10 hours. Walks were my 15 min breaks. I didnt take a lunch and had 2 hours of "cushion" where I could flex 10-15 minutes of exercises, reading, laying on the floor, rocking her to sleep, 8x per day. If we had a bad day, I took leave. But I also baby wear, contact nap, extended breastfeed, etc. My baby was happy to nurse in a carrier while I attended very rare conference calls. The help was more for me to have break and/or do housework.
Shes at daycare now and I work the same amount just the same as I did in office. Never once had a talk. Never missed a deadline. I have a low-key job that is 95% performed through email and/or computer work.

Just say no and she will have to figure something else out. It’s nice to help a friend but not to the point of being taken advantage of.

I think a lot of people go into this not realizing how hard it will be and assuming their child is best off with them. But in reality it’s a disservice to them and their child. Parenting is humbling!

*”It gets old quick” not “He got told quick” 😅

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I had to deal with this as a manager and it was the pits. Unavailable for hours at a time during the workday and a screaming baby on every call. Employee was overly candid, "sorry if you hear grunting, I'm breastfeeding and he is a noisy eater" "oh, I have to drop, baby just puked!" Etc so there wasn't even a veneer of this working out well and I had to have many conversations with HR. Unfortunately there was no requirement to have childcare per se, but a lot on remote working expectations that could be enforced so went down that path with some significant resistance. In the case of this woman her justification was that she was "too cheap" to get childcare and I basically had to spell it out for her that that was a drop in the bucket compared to losing her 200k/year remote job that was now at risk if she couldn't get it together. So, at least some people are just clueless. Nobody was more pissed off by it than fellow moms of young kids, myself included.

Be careful with the breastfeeding. There is a legal right to breastfeeding breaks.

OP, are you a SAHM? Why does your friend think you are free in the afternoon to come watch her baby? How often does she make this request? Do your other friends also ask you or your daughter to watch their kids?

I may be a jerk, but when I’m working and someone has their kids pop up in a meeting or has to deal with their kids during a meeting, it gets old fast if it’s a repeated thing. I even feel that way about people who let their cats wander across the screen, or let their dogs bark in the background. On a repeated basis, I don’t want to see your cat’s anus, I don’t want to hear your dog barking, I don’t want to see you dandling your baby on your lap and have to tell you your baby is cute. He got told quick. If I were an employer, I would say that people are working from home need to have childcare during core hours. And I am actually a massive proponent of work-life balance.

Anonymous wrote:I did it with very PT help until 8 months but my kid was crawling around 6m walking at 9m so at m7 we finalized daycare and started her veryyyy gradually over the 1st month.

M1-M3: My husband was on leave for 12 weeks. I went back to work FT at 8 weeks even though I had a severe hemorrhage and other complications.
m3-m5:I worked while she napped and did lots of independent floor time. My mom came 1x week and worked from home with me.
M5-M7/8: Got PT help. 2x week for 4 hours m5, m6 and then we had a babysitter for the summer for my older kid 10-4. She took the baby 2-4.
M8-m9: Gradual move to FT daycare.

If my kid was not walking before 12 months I could have done the whole thing longer. She was great at independent play. We did 2 walks a day. I started work at 630. Walked brother to school at 8-830. Two 1 hr naps (min) while working. Walk at 230 for pickup. Dads home at 330. He takes over I finish at 430/5. I just drew out my day knowing I was either walking or settling her for 2 hours per day. We did outside play in a covered pack n play. Outdoor swing. Id set up activities.

If your kid is a good sleeper. If they independent play and they are not walking before 12m it is- depending on your workload and type of job- doable. Mine dropped to 1 nap by 11/12 months but I know some kids who sleep 830-730 and take a 2 hr AM nap and a 2 hr PM nap at that age or transition to 1 nap at sleep 3 hours.

So, you are proving how little time you worked.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My workplace is very clear that having childcare (or dependent eldercare) is a condition of teleworking.

"Oh okay, I've heard good things about X daycare". Whether you want to bail out your friend is your choice (you can say no and I would in that situation) but definitely don't have your daughter do it unless she 100% wants to and she's getting paid to babysit.

It’s definitely a “omg I can’t believe the baby is a live thing that needs me” type of situation, and she can’t believe it’s 2pm and she hasn’t gotten any work done and when teen is home from school can you or she come snuggle the baby so I can finish my work? I’m frazzled!” And no, no money. That’s what friendship is all about, right?

Your daughter absolutely cannot watch anyone's kids without being paid. That's insane.

I have zero sympathy for these neighbors/friends/coworkers. They need to figure it out. ~ single mom who has always paid for childcare even on a $100k salary (and a 4yo and 6yo during covid!)

There are day care subsidies for lower income. Often it doesn't pay to work. I made $65K. Day care was $2500 a month so post taxes, etc. it wasn't work me working.

Ugh, I had to deal with this as a manager and it was the pits. Unavailable for hours at a time during the workday and a screaming baby on every call. Employee was overly candid, "sorry if you hear grunting, I'm breastfeeding and he is a noisy eater" "oh, I have to drop, baby just puked!" Etc so there wasn't even a veneer of this working out well and I had to have many conversations with HR. Unfortunately there was no requirement to have childcare per se, but a lot on remote working expectations that could be enforced so went down that path with some significant resistance. In the case of this woman her justification was that she was "too cheap" to get childcare and I basically had to spell it out for her that that was a drop in the bucket compared to losing her 200k/year remote job that was now at risk if she couldn't get it together. So, at least some people are just clueless. Nobody was more pissed off by it than fellow moms of young kids, myself included.

I get the annoyance. It makes you think they thought you were dumb or lazy for putting your beloved child in childcare, and now they are realizing that it’s essential but instead of dealing (like many of us did during COVID!!!) they want you to fix it. Agree with everyone else though all you can do is just not help more than you want to. I would try not to think about it more than that. Being a parent is humbling in so many ways.

I think that for the right situation (easy baby, low stress/flexible job) you could do this until the baby is at most a year old. However, after that, I think it just becomes too difficult, because the baby's needs become too great.

I did it with very PT help until 8 months but my kid was crawling around 6m walking at 9m so at m7 we finalized daycare and started her veryyyy gradually over the 1st month.

M1-M3: My husband was on leave for 12 weeks. I went back to work FT at 8 weeks even though I had a severe hemorrhage and other complications.
m3-m5:I worked while she napped and did lots of independent floor time. My mom came 1x week and worked from home with me.
M5-M7/8: Got PT help. 2x week for 4 hours m5, m6 and then we had a babysitter for the summer for my older kid 10-4. She took the baby 2-4.
M8-m9: Gradual move to FT daycare.

If my kid was not walking before 12 months I could have done the whole thing longer. She was great at independent play. We did 2 walks a day. I started work at 630. Walked brother to school at 8-830. Two 1 hr naps (min) while working. Walk at 230 for pickup. Dads home at 330. He takes over I finish at 430/5. I just drew out my day knowing I was either walking or settling her for 2 hours per day. We did outside play in a covered pack n play. Outdoor swing. Id set up activities.

If your kid is a good sleeper. If they independent play and they are not walking before 12m it is- depending on your workload and type of job- doable. Mine dropped to 1 nap by 11/12 months but I know some kids who sleep 830-730 and take a 2 hr AM nap and a 2 hr PM nap at that age or transition to 1 nap at sleep 3 hours.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My workplace is very clear that having childcare (or dependent eldercare) is a condition of teleworking.

"Oh okay, I've heard good things about X daycare". Whether you want to bail out your friend is your choice (you can say no and I would in that situation) but definitely don't have your daughter do it unless she 100% wants to and she's getting paid to babysit.

It’s definitely a “omg I can’t believe the baby is a live thing that needs me” type of situation, and she can’t believe it’s 2pm and she hasn’t gotten any work done and when teen is home from school can you or she come snuggle the baby so I can finish my work? I’m frazzled!” And no, no money. That’s what friendship is all about, right?

Your daughter absolutely cannot watch anyone's kids without being paid. That's insane.

I have zero sympathy for these neighbors/friends/coworkers. They need to figure it out. ~ single mom who has always paid for childcare even on a $100k salary (and a 4yo and 6yo during covid!)

I was like this, and I made it through the other side. My baby was actually in daycare until I popped in to see her and she was miserable so I took her out.

My mindset at the time was I wanted to spend time with my child. And I didnt have any bandwidth to manage another person.

The easy solution is to stop being available when she calls at the last minute.

Everything else is not your business. But if you and your DD don’t want to jump at the last minute, which is totally reasonable, just start declining. The friend will move on and find a different solution.