Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First names. Now that we have a grandchild, that might change to Grandma/Grandpa.

Why? They didn’t become your grandparents when you had a child. When talking to your child you would say “we’re going to grandma's” but when you speak to them directly you should still use their names. It would be weird for you to see your MIL and say Hi Grandma!

NP. I would have thought this, too, before I had kids. But the reality is, when you see your MIL and are greeting her, your kids are usually standing right there with you! So “Hi Grandma!” ends up feeling right. Most of my interactions with my ILs and most of my husband’s interactions with my parents (his ILs) currently happen with or in the presence of our children (ages 6, 4, and 1).

We both ostensibly call them by their first names, and do on the rare cases we’re together without the kids, but the reality is most of the time we’re using their grandparent names. Perhaps that will change once the kids are older and aren’t so immediately under foot all the time!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are from a different culture. In our culture, most relationships have a name, and I had never ever heard anybody referring to elders just by their First Names. Even strangers were referred to as Uncle, Auntie, Big Brother, Big Sister, Grandma, Grandpa - based on their age.

My married DD was asked by her MIL-FIL to address them by their First Names. Somehow, I unconsciously cringe each time my DD mentions anything about her MIL or FIL and refers to them by their First Name - I find it shocking and disrespectful. As if I have failed to teach manners to my DD.

Well that’s weird. She’s following her in-laws preference rather than imposing a cultural custom that’s outside of their comfort zone- surely that’s what someone with good manners would do?

Well, why is that weird? Are you yourself not weird and close minded to call my cultural preference weird? LOL.

I am not asking anyone to change or interfering in any way or commenting. So I am not being uncouth and commenting. But, I am sure in most cultures and around the world, ILs are not referred by first name by DILs and SILs.

IMO - when ILs ask to be called by First Name - it does not convey that these people are friendly, informal, laid back, friendly, approachable or drama-free. It just shows a lack of clarity about their own role and place in the family. It is an impediment in relation-building. But, I would never say anything about it.

NP. It's not odd to have a preference for yourself. It's odd to have a preference for someone else. I'm quite sure they know their "role and place in the family" entirely. It seems you started this entire thread simply to shit on their choices. Ask yourself why.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandma (same thing grandchildren call me)

Awww - this is so sweet. I can live with that. But, if they do not have kids yet...?

Before kids my DIL called me what my son calls me: Mommy. She calls her own mother Mom or Maman.

Good lord.

I call my MIL her first name. My husband's stepfather died before I met him.

My husband calls my parents by their first names. He doesn't feel comfortable calling Not His Mother "Mom" and he hasn't had a Dad in YEARS - his father died years ago, after being divorced from his mother for years before that.

They would be comfortable if he called them Mom and Dad, but they are equally comfortable with him calling them by their first names.

Honestly, I think it should be based on what the son or daughter-in law say. I have ONE mother, so I won't view my MIL as my mother, and can't call her Mom, even though I love her to death!

We have no children, nor will we.

Interesting...when I was dating my now wife, and we were in HS, her parents were Mr. and Mrs. Last Name. Once we got married, they said to call them by their first names and that's what they have been for the last 25 plus years...

Same with my parents. Funny, I was just thinking of my college friends grandparents. They were always Mommo and Poppo to everyone, even folks that weren't their grandkids. Never called them Mr. and Mrs.

First names. It would seem weird to call them anything else. We may refer to each other's parents by their grandparent name in front of the kids, but otherwise everyone is on a first name basis.

Anonymous wrote:First names. Now that we have a grandchild, that might change to Grandma/Grandpa.

DH called my parents by first names. I called his by Mr & Mrs __ and first names. My kids partners and then spouses called us by 1st names. My first child set unique names for my parents and gradually there was the unique. Same thing for my GC on us. Now my DC and the spouse often use the unique names set by GC.

More like we got nicknames. So I got named by my parents and my kid/first GC.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are from a different culture. In our culture, most relationships have a name, and I had never ever heard anybody referring to elders just by their First Names. Even strangers were referred to as Uncle, Auntie, Big Brother, Big Sister, Grandma, Grandpa - based on their age.

My married DD was asked by her MIL-FIL to address them by their First Names. Somehow, I unconsciously cringe each time my DD mentions anything about her MIL or FIL and refers to them by their First Name - I find it shocking and disrespectful. As if I have failed to teach manners to my DD.

Well that’s weird. She’s following her in-laws preference rather than imposing a cultural custom that’s outside of their comfort zone- surely that’s what someone with good manners would do?

Well, why is that weird? Are you yourself not weird and close minded to call my cultural preference weird? LOL.

I am not asking anyone to change or interfering in any way or commenting. So I am not being uncouth and commenting. But, I am sure in most cultures and around the world, ILs are not referred by first name by DILs and SILs.

IMO - when ILs ask to be called by First Name - it does not convey that these people are friendly, informal, laid back, friendly, approachable or drama-free. It just shows a lack of clarity about their own role and place in the family. It is an impediment in relation-building. But, I would never say anything about it.

This PP is just commenting on this anonymous board that it feels / sounds weird to her. Why is that a problem? Of course some just want to dunk on other cultures.

Mine is the same, we don't address elders by name so in a family relationship it does feel awkward in a way that calling older coworkers Bob or whatever obviously does not.

Anonymous wrote:I call my in-laws Mr and Mrs X. They are in their 80s. They have never invited me to call them something different in 21 years. While it is formalistic, it doesn’t bother me. I know they love me.

Same.

Anonymous wrote:First names. Now that we have a grandchild, that might change to Grandma/Grandpa.

Why? They didn’t become your grandparents when you had a child. When talking to your child you would say “we’re going to grandma's” but when you speak to them directly you should still use their names. It would be weird for you to see your MIL and say Hi Grandma!

I call them by their first names, same with my husband and all my siblings with in-laws.

My sil calls dh and I by our first names unless he's telling our grandchildren something about us then he refer to us as mimi and papa.

My husband calls my mother grandma. My bil calls my mom by her name.

One DIL calls me by my first name and the other calls me "Miss <my first name>".

MIL is Mom to DH and her first name to me
FIL is Dad to DH and his first name to me
When referring to them to the kids, they are Grandpa and Grandma.
I have my own mom and dad so only they get those titles from me.

My DIL calls me Mahm (and writes it out that way) it's a joke because I raised Eric Cartman and it's a term of endearment

She calls me gramma when the kids are around