Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who IDENTIFIES the problem or need (for home or family member)?

Who COMMUNICATES the issue to the other family members)? What happens then? Problem solving and planning? Nothing?

Who takes the EFFORT to fix the problem or need (either DIY or manage a staff or repairers in or doctor)?

Who has the SENSE to fix things in an efficient and correct way (not make more mess or setbacks or guess/pretend to know what to do)?

Why are you YELLING at us?

lol.

Speaking of problem solving, love the immature DARVO response to someone answering a question.

The question was “who” in the context of a relationship. Not defining what is a good problem solving framework ( which pp provided)

Tell us “who” in pps response fulfilled the question posed by OP?

Who specifically in ops response ?

Ideally both are mature, productive adults who actually care about conflict resolution or problem solving.

Often one is too immature and or dysfunctional to have the desire to problem solve or the competency. They ultimately destroy trust and the relationship.

Me DH. Because I cause all of the problems and the ones I don’t cause are my fault.
Someone didn’t show for a meeting, my fault. Boss is a moron, my fault. She forgot to put something in the fridge before she left for work, my fault. Flight delayed, my fault. Fire alarm goes off in our building, my fault.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who IDENTIFIES the problem or need (for home or family member)?

Who COMMUNICATES the issue to the other family members)? What happens then? Problem solving and planning? Nothing?

Who takes the EFFORT to fix the problem or need (either DIY or manage a staff or repairers in or doctor)?

Who has the SENSE to fix things in an efficient and correct way (not make more mess or setbacks or guess/pretend to know what to do)?

Why are you YELLING at us?

lol.

Speaking of problem solving, love the immature DARVO response to someone answering a question.

The question was “who” in the context of a relationship. Not defining what is a good problem solving framework ( which pp provided)

Tell us “who” in pps response fulfilled the question posed by OP?

Who specifically in ops response ?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Needs fixing, or needs cleaning, or needs replacing is most often subjective.

Lots of people's standards don't align and that doesn't mean one person is right and another person is wrong. But the person who wants action, of course, will portray the person who's ok living with less action, as lazy, uninvolved, unmotivated. The person comfortable with less action views the other as bossy, as spending too much money, nags too much, sucks the fun out of day to day life.

No. Not really. Sorry Pp.

Plus if your life partner cares about the mold in the fridge, so should you. I find it esp pathetic when a stranger points it out and then gets action, but not a spouse in need.

It’s willful ignorance + weaponized incompetence + misogyny.

People like that shouldn’t even have roommates.

If there is mold in the fridge, both partners have ignored the fridge for a while. You don't get to "care about the mold in the fridge" and then get mad that the other partner didn't clean it. This "spouse in need" stuff sounds like playing the victim. Just clean the damn refrigerator or plan to clean it together and then do so.

Love those lazy people games of chicken: who can leave out more dirty dishes, who can ignore the broken toilet seat the longest, who can avoid taking the car in for an oil change, who can neglect the fact that the adhd kid needs therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is the main problem solver in your relationship? Does one person do more or is everything discussed together and a joint decision made?

I’d love someone to discuss major decisions with, but my spouse doesn’t read personal emails or texts so is never prepared nor has anything to add to the topic.

Maybe think about discussing things in person rather than via email or text?

For example:
He doesn’t read his mother’s emails about holiday plans.
He doesn’t read the coach’s emails about practice or game time changes
He doesn’t read doctor or health emails. Or test results. Or school weeklies. Or action items anything

So has no base level understanding of what’s going on, what needs to be talked about, nor what to think about what needs to be talked about.

No amount of Molly coddling helps. He just tosses out nonsense or walks off. Or plays CEO/Secretary game and again tosses out irrelevant nonsense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Needs fixing, or needs cleaning, or needs replacing is most often subjective.

Lots of people's standards don't align and that doesn't mean one person is right and another person is wrong. But the person who wants action, of course, will portray the person who's ok living with less action, as lazy, uninvolved, unmotivated. The person comfortable with less action views the other as bossy, as spending too much money, nags too much, sucks the fun out of day to day life.

No. Not really. Sorry Pp.

Plus if your life partner cares about the mold in the fridge, so should you. I find it esp pathetic when a stranger points it out and then gets action, but not a spouse in need.

It’s willful ignorance + weaponized incompetence + misogyny.

People like that shouldn’t even have roommates.

If there is mold in the fridge, both partners have ignored the fridge for a while. You don't get to "care about the mold in the fridge" and then get mad that the other partner didn't clean it. This "spouse in need" stuff sounds like playing the victim. Just clean the damn refrigerator or plan to clean it together and then do so.

Anonymous wrote:I am the main problem solver and I am beginning to hate it. I fell my spouse's ability to solve problems or even just respond calmly to challenges has decreased since we married and especially since having kids.

A couple years ago I fell and injured myself and needed to go to the hospital, and my spouse had a full on melt down in front of our kid about it. I had to handle everything about the emergency myself (getting to the hospital, arranging for childcare for our kid so my spouse could join me there, etc.) while bleeding and in pain. It was a real turning point in our marriage and I've been feeling pretty stressed and depressed since then. Most problems aren't as urgent as that one was but his response was really eye-opening.

Understandable. I'm sorry. You deserve more support than that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is the main problem solver in your relationship? Does one person do more or is everything discussed together and a joint decision made?

I’d love someone to discuss major decisions with, but my spouse doesn’t read personal emails or texts so is never prepared nor has anything to add to the topic.

Maybe think about discussing things in person rather than via email or text?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who IDENTIFIES the problem or need (for home or family member)?

Who COMMUNICATES the issue to the other family members)? What happens then? Problem solving and planning? Nothing?

Who takes the EFFORT to fix the problem or need (either DIY or manage a staff or repairers in or doctor)?

Who has the SENSE to fix things in an efficient and correct way (not make more mess or setbacks or guess/pretend to know what to do)?

This framework is useful.

Imo an awful lot of relationship issues actually start at step 1 (identifying a problem) bc there can be such disagreement on what even constitutes a problem, perceived urgency, etc. Currently having some issues with this

Agree, or many are too selfish and lazy to notice something broken or messy, much less proactively do something about it.

So lucky no such people can hack it in my industry and I can avoid them.

Anonymous wrote:Needs fixing, or needs cleaning, or needs replacing is most often subjective.

Lots of people's standards don't align and that doesn't mean one person is right and another person is wrong. But the person who wants action, of course, will portray the person who's ok living with less action, as lazy, uninvolved, unmotivated. The person comfortable with less action views the other as bossy, as spending too much money, nags too much, sucks the fun out of day to day life.

No. Not really. Sorry Pp.

Plus if your life partner cares about the mold in the fridge, so should you. I find it esp pathetic when a stranger points it out and then gets action, but not a spouse in need.

It’s willful ignorance + weaponized incompetence + misogyny.

People like that shouldn’t even have roommates.

Anonymous wrote:Needs fixing, or needs cleaning, or needs replacing is most often subjective. Lots of people's standards don't align and that doesn't mean one person is right and another person is wrong. But the person who wants action, of course, will portray the person who's ok living with less action, as lazy, uninvolved, unmotivated. The person comfortable with less action views the other as bossy, as spending too much money, nags too much, sucks the fun out of day to day life.

There’s still a baseline of acceptable. Of mess, of manners, of healthy food, of care to be expected.

For example, when we bought a big house from a couple in their 50s we were able to know $400k of our initial bid after the 5 hour home inspection. They had so much deferred maintenance they never cared to do! 1 of 2 water heaters no longer worked, pool pump didn’t work, 8 out of 11 doors couldn’t lock- they just kept rotating to another, leaky gutters & wood damage, AC was super old & illegal Freon, garage door tracking was cracked & dented, etc.

I don’t know wtf their problem was whilst living there for 12 years, but our realtor got everything replaced before we moved in for $50k.

Needs fixing, or needs cleaning, or needs replacing is most often subjective. Lots of people's standards don't align and that doesn't mean one person is right and another person is wrong. But the person who wants action, of course, will portray the person who's ok living with less action, as lazy, uninvolved, unmotivated. The person comfortable with less action views the other as bossy, as spending too much money, nags too much, sucks the fun out of day to day life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who IDENTIFIES the problem or need (for home or family member)?

Who COMMUNICATES the issue to the other family members)? What happens then? Problem solving and planning? Nothing?

Who takes the EFFORT to fix the problem or need (either DIY or manage a staff or repairers in or doctor)?

Who has the SENSE to fix things in an efficient and correct way (not make more mess or setbacks or guess/pretend to know what to do)?

This framework is useful.

Imo an awful lot of relationship issues actually start at step 1 (identifying a problem) bc there can be such disagreement on what even constitutes a problem, perceived urgency, etc. Currently having some issues with this

Agree, or many are too selfish and lazy to notice something broken or messy, much less proactively do something about it.

1 problem creator, or double downer

1 problem fixer

Cant say it’s sustainable. Maybe once the kids are gone it will be manageable, but the same dynamic.

What you may not want to do is emphasize to your partner how you come to a decision. Don't spell out the steps. If you're generally trusted, just act. For some people, their partners upon hearing the process, they debate the process itself. Or they sense boasting and they want to play devil's advocate.