Anonymous wrote:My narcissistic mother in law helped us take care of our twins when they were 0-3 months before we got a nanny. Fifteen years later she thinks we owe her and should take care for her since she’s older now. You sound like you have her way of thinking.

Anonymous wrote:The way my siblings and I have been raised by my parents (and extended family too) - we all will take care of uncles, aunties, grandparents, siblings, nephews, nieces, parents, ILs, children, cousins etc.

I will take care of anyone I can take of. Family, neighbors, coworkers, friends...everyone.

Of course, being able to take care of someone, and not needing someone to take care of you...happens only when you are raised to be functional and self-sufficient by the whole clan. Rising tide raises all boats...

It is essential for more capable family members to ensure that they give the support needed to their relatives so everyone thrives and can be self-sufficient in the future.

It is extremely cultural mindset for us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way my siblings and I have been raised by my parents (and extended family too) - we all will take care of uncles, aunties, grandparents, siblings, nephews, nieces, parents, ILs, children, cousins etc.

I will take care of anyone I can take of. Family, neighbors, coworkers, friends...everyone.

Of course, being able to take care of someone, and not needing someone to take care of you...happens only when you are raised to be functional and self-sufficient by the whole clan. Rising tide raises all boats...

It is essential for more capable family members to ensure that they give the support needed to their relatives so everyone thrives and can be self-sufficient in the future.

It is extremely cultural mindset for us.

So if everybody is self-sufficient, then nobody would need help, no? I personally am done after raising kids and about to launch them, I've spent so much time on caretaking that literally nobody cares what my interests are or what I want, everybody just has a hand out since I'm the "capable" one. The burnout is real. At some point I want to live for myself, not take care of everyone else.

Exactly. That is the reason that family interference is very high from the get go and younger generation is not allowed to fail at all.

For example - lets assume that I have a complete waste of space sibling, then, it is in my interest to ensure that my nephew/niece succeed, so that they can take care of their parent in their old age, instead of me.

So, there is a mentality among the older generation to collectively nurture and guide everyone's kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very few people take care of their aunts or uncles when they're elderly, they're not your problem. The best they could do probably is to team up and help each other. In general, it's best for the elderly themselves to have some plans in place what they think should happen.

I work in healthcare, and it’s not so unusual for an elderly childless adult to have a niece or nephew as their emergency contact or even their POA.

My brother in law is POA for DH’s aunt and took over her finances and made healthcare decisions for her when she was sick and delirious.

As the OP says, they're the only offspring on both sides, whereas an aunt and uncles didn't have children. The OP doesn't say how many there are, but at the minimum 3 (1 aunt and 2 uncles plural). Plus their own parents. Not realistic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with this now. Mother is 79 and starting to lose it. But refuses any kind of senior care facility. Sibling is gone to Colorado and sends a periodic Thanks for taking care of Mom kind of message.

Feel stuck with this. Abandoning your mother isn't on anyone's list of things to do.

But I'm confined to the DC area while I deal with this. Not thrilled about the circumstances. And I hate my sister more and more for being so useless with this problem.

My mother lives with my elder brother. He recently became a widower. Thankfully, both my brother and my mom are fairly well-to-do so they have all kind of help.

Since I and my other siblings do not help with the day-to-day care of my mom, we go for several weeks to my elder brother's home to get his affairs sorted - selling property, decluttering, home remodelling, babysitting mom so he can go on vacations, helping his adult kids, putting systems in place at home, representing the family in social occasions, attending the births, marriages and funerals of the families of our uncles and aunts...etc.

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with this now. Mother is 79 and starting to lose it. But refuses any kind of senior care facility. Sibling is gone to Colorado and sends a periodic Thanks for taking care of Mom kind of message.

Feel stuck with this. Abandoning your mother isn't on anyone's list of things to do.

But I'm confined to the DC area while I deal with this. Not thrilled about the circumstances. And I hate my sister more and more for being so useless with this problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way my siblings and I have been raised by my parents (and extended family too) - we all will take care of uncles, aunties, grandparents, siblings, nephews, nieces, parents, ILs, children, cousins etc.

I will take care of anyone I can take of. Family, neighbors, coworkers, friends...everyone.

Of course, being able to take care of someone, and not needing someone to take care of you...happens only when you are raised to be functional and self-sufficient by the whole clan. Rising tide raises all boats...

It is essential for more capable family members to ensure that they give the support needed to their relatives so everyone thrives and can be self-sufficient in the future.

It is extremely cultural mindset for us.

So if everybody is self-sufficient, then nobody would need help, no? I personally am done after raising kids and about to launch them, I've spent so much time on caretaking that literally nobody cares what my interests are or what I want, everybody just has a hand out since I'm the "capable" one. The burnout is real. At some point I want to live for myself, not take care of everyone else.

Anonymous wrote:The way my siblings and I have been raised by my parents (and extended family too) - we all will take care of uncles, aunties, grandparents, siblings, nephews, nieces, parents, ILs, children, cousins etc.

I will take care of anyone I can take of. Family, neighbors, coworkers, friends...everyone.

Of course, being able to take care of someone, and not needing someone to take care of you...happens only when you are raised to be functional and self-sufficient by the whole clan. Rising tide raises all boats...

It is essential for more capable family members to ensure that they give the support needed to their relatives so everyone thrives and can be self-sufficient in the future.

It is extremely cultural mindset for us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very few people take care of their aunts or uncles when they're elderly, they're not your problem. The best they could do probably is to team up and help each other. In general, it's best for the elderly themselves to have some plans in place what they think should happen.

I work in healthcare, and it’s not so unusual for an elderly childless adult to have a niece or nephew as their emergency contact or even their POA.

My brother in law is POA for DH’s aunt and took over her finances and made healthcare decisions for her when she was sick and delirious.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t like being petty. If you can reasonably help them without it majorly inconveniencing you then do so.

Anonymous wrote:Very few people take care of their aunts or uncles when they're elderly, they're not your problem. The best they could do probably is to team up and help each other. In general, it's best for the elderly themselves to have some plans in place what they think should happen.