Anonymous wrote:The school report is clearly garbage. Get a private eval done. You might get the district to pay for an IEE but just get it done no matter what. You need to know with clarity what you are dealing with.

Opps, just saw this. I posted earlier about being confused about what the neuropsych said. Agree with this poster 100% . THE SCHOOL REPORT IS GARBAGE!!! Get a private evaluation stat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check out Harmony Heights. I think they no longer board and only take day students, but may be able to suggest a therapeutic boarding school near you.

We have actually briefly talked about boarding school.

I have considered moving and switching schools for our daughter since she seems to be so unhappy. The friends I helped her make are no longer close with her because she doesn’t reciprocate and she makes no effort to be a friend. And she’s too old now for me to help her make and keep friends. But mostly she has no desire or need for friends.

When I asked how she might feel about moving/changing schools to do a fresh start/restart, she hated the idea because everything would be the same and said she would only like the idea if she could get away from us, because we are the ones who are making her life a living hell.

So I asked her if the thought of boarding school appealed to her. It did not. She said it would just be strangers telling her what to do instead of parents, which was even worse. And basically the insults followed - how can I be so stupid to think that might be a good idea, blah blah.

I keep reading all of your posts OP and I keep wondering: “what the heck the did the neuropsych report say?” A formal 2e (twice-exceptional) designation, requires that an individual must be identified as having both high academic potential or giftedness and one or more disabilities, such as ADHD, dyslexia, autism spectrum disorder, or emotional/behavioral disorders. Was she diagnosed with a behavioral disorder? How long ago?

She sounds like she has autism and ADHD. I know what this looks like because my DD and one of my sister’s kids has it. Otherwise, her anxiety is severe and causing issues or perhaps there is some borderline personality behavior? It feels like the report didn’t give you the answers you need. I second the suggestion to try DBT. And if there is untreated anxiety (which is highly comorbid with autism and ADHD), get her medication like an SSRI.

Also, keep the faith. My family member was a very difficult and troubled teen and has really blossomed as they enter college. They are never going to be an “easy personality” but they have improved greatly.

Marrying someone ND then having to raise your ND kid pretty much singlehandedly is a common theme on here. I am so sorry.

I didn't read all of the responses but I have/had a very similar situation with my 13 y/o 2e daughter who was diagnosed with autism just before her 13th birthday. She was previously diagnosed with ADHD at age 5.

Here are my biggest tips for you:

1. Get an advocate who can re-approach the IEP process with you. It will make things so much easier at home if you have the right supports at school. Join the Fairfax County 2e group and people can recommend names.

2. ABA, ABA, ABA. I cannot emphasize it enough. ABA, ABA, ABA. This has changed our daughter's life and our home life and INSURANCE COVERS EVERYTHING!!!! ABA is not what you think - it's nothing like the perception of kids being forced to make eye contact. We now have a contract with her about what she needs to do in order to earn rewards of screen time, etc, and we have providers in our home 15 hours per week after school each day sitting with her and getting her to do her homework, etc. Helping her clean her room. Making sure she showers. It has changed our life and she's so much happier now that she's on the right path.

OP--BTDT and I'm so sorry you're in this place now. I used to say that my son held our family hostage with his behavior. Everything had to be his way or he would throw a 2yr old style tantrum.

You've gotten some very good advice here. Your DD's behavior is impacting the entire family. Family therapy seems like a great next step. What stands out to me is that she is digging her heels in until she gets wants and she doesn't care who she steps on or hurts along the way.

Her community therapist is not the right person for this. It doesn't sound like your daughter is even ready for therapy. She needs to be in an environment where the rules are rules and no matter what she does, the rules don't change. My kid is at RICA. Most kids there go through a phase of not talking to the therapists, refusing school, lashing out, etc. The staff are not emotionally invested so the kid does what the kid does, but nothing changes about the requirements--let's say attending school. You can refuse to leave the cottage and not go to school. But the staff will physically remove you from your room and lock the door. You can sit in the hallway all day. The staff will engage with you only to ask: are you ready to go to school? There will be no electronics. If you want lunch, you need to go to the school (next building) to get it. No one is saying you won't be fed, but lunch is served at school. Once she accepts that she has to follow basic rules, she can then start to be a part of both individual and group therapy. Group therapy is fantastic for this because she will learn that she is not alone, what she feels is valid, and she will begin to learn from those that are ahead of her.

Your daughter is in crisis and is acting out in the only way that she knows to bring her comfort, by controlling what she can. In my case, it was my younger child. I ended up sending my older child to boarding school so she could have some semblance of a typical teenage life. She thrived there without constantly having to be forced to deal with the outcomes of her brothers behavior. Your concern about your daughter not being employable is valid. It speaks to the larger issue she's having---she needs to learn how to function in society. She will not be able to lash out at her co-workers or employer and maintain her job. Your job now as her parent is to accept that you have done the best that you can within the tools accessible to you in your current community. It's time now to look for a different community for her that can help her grow into the young woman that you know lives inside her.

This is HARD. Really, really hard. There is no parenting handbook for dealing with type of behavior. All you can do is find a community that can help her and help your family heal.

Best of luck.

Anonymous wrote:Why does your husband have 20 hours a week for his hobbies but you are working full time & taking care of so much stuff you are in crisis?
Are you afraid to tell him he has to take care of more so you can get time for yourself? As in he’s not abusive as long as he gets plenty of time for his hobbies?

I don’t know you or your family so I could be misreading this.

Sounds like she needs to walk on eggshells around him or he goes bananas like the daughter does.

He also “retired early” and that’s when he got a bit better behavior-wise at home.

Not clear what he is responsible for with the kid(s) or home, if anything.

Anonymous wrote:You're giving her a lot of power to be involved in decisionmaking and it doesn't sound like she is really in a place to make good decisions. I think individual therapy (for you) or family therapy is a good idea, and you might want to look into family systems therapy. It's a specialized approach that addresses the whole family, and it might be harder to find therapists who do it, but it has worked for people I know.

This

Only give kids age appropriate decisions to make.

Laissez faire parenting doesn’t work with NT kids and definitely won’t with ND kids. They just say No to everything in hopes they can sit around on screens and eat garbage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned your husband is just like her?
Is your husband is being horribly verbally abusive to you (or worse)?
If so, a divorce might be the first step to having things calm down. You would get half of the time free with joint custody & no adult treating you this way. You could recharge so you would be in a better mind set to raise her.

I think family therapy is a good idea reguardless.

He USED to be. We had a come to Jesus moment a few years ago and he has genuinely changed. It was a bit of a work in progress for me to accept that he’s not the same person anymore and to let go of a lot of the hurt and resentment I carried from those earlier years. It also really helped that he stopped working full time. I think for a long time he was overwhelmed and exhausted from his full time job and he was just so angry and irritable from it and he brought that stress home. Now he’s able to spend at least 20 hours a week pursuing his own hobbies and he’s less irritable. He’s also matured, and mellowed out a bit in his 50s.

Sounds like classic autism level one. Needs a simple life, no work + kids + house + family responsibilities. If no simple life then lashing out, temper tantrums, stonewalling, deflecting/ blaming others.

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned your husband is just like her?
Is your husband is being horribly verbally abusive to you (or worse)?
If so, a divorce might be the first step to having things calm down. You would get half of the time free with joint custody & no adult treating you this way. You could recharge so you would be in a better mind set to raise her.

I think family therapy is a good idea reguardless.

True.

Anonymous wrote:One more thing! You can probably tell I’ve been through stuff

This is in no way a criticism, my heart goes out to you, but truly—try not to think about things like whether she’ll be employable or not someday. Or whether you’ll have to do her laundry for the rest of her life. It’s hard not to spiral sometimes but it is way too early to know what her future looks like. People continue to grow and develop even in adulthood. One day at a time.

True.

But kids like this are always on the ridge, the cusp of doing OK or spiraling down down down.

It’s exhausting. You really have to detach OP. Do your best, don’t grind yourself down, and the kid will have to increasingly take over all consequences. Not you. Not your spouse- no mention of him….

Why does your husband have 20 hours a week for his hobbies but you are working full time & taking care of so much stuff you are in crisis?
Are you afraid to tell him he has to take care of more so you can get time for yourself? As in he’s not abusive as long as he gets plenty of time for his hobbies?

I don’t know you or your family so I could be misreading this.

Family therapy. When we started we were in crisis and it was 3x/week with someone very experienced in helping families in crisis. We hit our OOP max that year. My child is now stable, doing decently in school (in a vocational program he likes and isn’t failing any classes), and is weaning off all meds. It’s something that 5 years ago I would have told you was impossible. And it would have been without family therapy.

Anonymous wrote:I’m an empath and this scares me to say it and also makes me incredibly sad- but I feel like I’m at the point where I am feeling a strong desire to just stop caring about her as my daughter. I want to treat her as just another human being with issues I cannot really help anymore. I feel like she’s toxic to me and to the family and I need to start focusing on the people who actually care. She has taken up so much of our emotional and mental and physical time and even space bandwidth (because she literally leaves a path of mess wherever she goes). And if she were willing to ever meet us 10 percent of the way, I’d feel it would be worthwhile to try, but she has refused to make any effort.

And I honestly feel like if I stopped caring, she really would not even care one way or the other. She will just use that to demonize me. She literally does not care at all about anyone or anything. I also feel pretty confident that she would never even shed a tear if I died tomorrow. She has said so many times and for all these years I didn’t believe her, but I realize now she actually means it. She says that when she is perfectly happy and calm as a matter of fact- it’s not something just said out of anger.

All the family members, teachers, friends who have been so generous with their time, money, and thoughtfulness with her- she has said she doesn’t care about any of them and she doesn’t need them or want to spend any time with them or see them, let alone be a friend or thoughtful person towards them.

She is self-centered and literally cannot see past her own desires.

Your child is expressing suicidal ideation. This response is totally inadequate to the situation. What does your therapist suggest?

Have you looked at the autobiography called Sociopath by Patric Gagne?

Maybe it has something to offer you.


https://www.shannonwaiteauthor.com/blog/sociopath-a-book-review

"To put it very simply, sociopaths have a hard time experiencing emotions like the general public does because they have a limited emotional range, thus rarely feeling “learned” emotions (like love and guilt). Based on Gagne’s experience (and research), sociopaths will partake in antisocial behavior to try and feel something other than apathy.

Gagne’s introduction ends with, “I am a criminal without a record. A master of disguise. I have never been caught. I have rarely been sorry. I am friendly. I am responsible. I am invisible. I blend right in. I am a twenty-first century sociopath. And I’ve written this book because I know I’m not alone” (xvii)."

The school report is clearly garbage. Get a private eval done. You might get the district to pay for an IEE but just get it done no matter what. You need to know with clarity what you are dealing with.