Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I identify which qualities would. Take someone a good husband. No one ever taught me and I can’t seem to know the answer on my own.

Any individual who is kind, fair, friendly, respectful, generous, hard working and has no addiction is also going to make a great human, son, brother, friend, neighbor, employee, husband and father.

I’m here. I will say that I remember very early on when we were dating (maybe 6 weeks or so), my husband would check in with me before making plans with others. I actually remember thinking it was a little weird, because he could do whatever he wanted. But he would always call and say something like, “hey, I got invited to dinner with my high school buddy next week and I just wanted to check that there wasn’t anything you wanted us to do that night before I say yes.” Looking back, it was a very good sign that our family would come first. And it does.

Now he has ADHD so his executive functioning isn’t fabulous, but he is kind and fair and has put lots of systems in place. I could give you a list of things he does and you would be amazed. Or I could give you a list of his weaknesses and some of you would be appalled. But, on balance, he is amazing!

We have been together 20 years and while we might annoy each other from time to time, I can’t even think of a recent big argument of any kind. We can talk stuff through and generally predict the other’s perspective so there is no need to fight when you can both already think the fight through in your head and are already to go with a compromise/path forward, etc.

Integrity is number one. My husband always does the right thing when no one is looking. Returning cash to the checkout girl when she gives him too much change—because it is the honest thing to do and she might have to pay if the register doesn’t balance at the end of the day. That sort of thing is rare and golden.

He accepts that he may not know everything. He wants to work with me to make our marriage better. He doesn't automatically shutdown my ideas. He listens.

He made sure I always finished a couple of times before him. Always made sure intimacy was intimate.

Anonymous wrote:My husband is fine (and so am I), but our marriage is still falling apart over conflicting priorities around how we want to spend money and time. His obsession with golf, spending money we don't have on it, crashing our vacations with golf plans we never discussed, planning his retirement around it, its getting to a breaking point. I'd simply rather be single than a broke golf widow.

Ugh.

Anonymous wrote:How can I identify which qualities would. Take someone a good husband. No one ever taught me and I can’t seem to know the answer on my own.

Honest answer is to focus on being the type of person a great person would want to marry.

The biggest thing I didn’t appreciate at the time we got married: He constantly looks at his own choices and behaviors and thinks through whether it was a good choice, how it affects those around him, and whether he might have done something better. Because of this, he has become a better spouse, parent, child, employee, and friend with every year that goes by. Like others have said, we’re all imperfect people, but DH and I are both better, individually and together, after decades of marriage than we were at the start.

Of course, you can’t always predict the future in advance. But you can look at things like whether he’s kind to others and cares about their perspective and experience, whether he can deal with hard situations in a clear-eyed way without getting defensive, whether he treats you like an equal partner, and how well he communicates with you and others.

Anonymous wrote:This is spot on--


"I would say:
Observe for at least 4 seasons
Take notes:

How does he act toward you when he’s really stressed? (Good husband material would be able to be self aware enough to say, “I’m feeling stressed about XYZ right now” and will not take it out on you. My dad used to just throw tantrums, no self awareness or communication at all).

Increase commitment slowly. Lead with your personality not your looks. Take a short trip together because travel logistics, planning, budgeting etc can teach you a lot about someone.

Good with money. Not just living frugally but also ambitious to earn more, but not in wheeler dealer scammer kind of ways, hardworking ways. Has a bank account and credit card paid off monthly, can talk about retirement goals, ideas about where he wants to live and housing."

I also was going to highlight this comment. Great advice!

Note the money aspect doesn’t require someone to make a lot of money. We are relatively poor by DCUM standards. But that’s because we both looked at the life we wanted to live and decided that free time and lack of stress was much more important than higher salary. But we adjusted our expenses as a result and live within our means with no debt. The responsible choices are the key, not the money itself.

This is spot on--


"I would say:
Observe for at least 4 seasons
Take notes:

How does he act toward you when he’s really stressed? (Good husband material would be able to be self aware enough to say, “I’m feeling stressed about XYZ right now” and will not take it out on you. My dad used to just throw tantrums, no self awareness or communication at all).

Increase commitment slowly. Lead with your personality not your looks. Take a short trip together because travel logistics, planning, budgeting etc can teach you a lot about someone.

Good with money. Not just living frugally but also ambitious to earn more, but not in wheeler dealer scammer kind of ways, hardworking ways. Has a bank account and credit card paid off monthly, can talk about retirement goals, ideas about where he wants to live and housing."

Anonymous wrote:How can I identify which qualities would. Take someone a good husband. No one ever taught me and I can’t seem to know the answer on my own.

Sense of humor. Not an angry person.
Smart.
Helpful around house and hands on with our child.

Some of these things were not obvious during dating (you never know how parenthood affects someone). And he was a bit clueless at first and sort of sat back. But he was willing to accept my feelings and engage in the conversations about what I needed from him. He did it. It wasn't always how I would do it but had to let him figure those things out (w/o criticism) if a) no one was being hurt (which no one ever was) and 2) it wasn't negatively affecting me.

We were very good friends for a few years before we got together so I knew him very well. During that period I dated two other guys and they just couldn’t compare to him on so many character things. He was dating someone else at the time. When we were both available I made the first move and he didn’t resist! When I met his family I knew why his character was amazing. For me it was all about character plus the sex was great!

I don’t think it can be obvious immediately, unfortunately. Need to see how they treat others. Need to get in a fight to see how they deal with disagreements and if they get nasty. Need to watch their work ethic to see whether you’ll be supporting them financially and carrying their weight around the house.

I had my own life together, great career, and was happy. Seemed like men just recognized that and wanted to be with me. While my DH is better than my exes, my exes were all great people who would have made good husbands too.

Anonymous wrote:They also need to make at least 250k

If both of you are older than 35 and you make more than $250k than yes, it makes sense. If they are below 30 or you earn below $250k than no, not important.

Anonymous wrote:They also need to make at least 250k

What if they do but also have high debt, alimony, child support etc? Someone making half would bring more to the table.