Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to lose my job for the first time, due to circumstances beyond my control. I've worked so hard my whole life, from intense studying in school to long hours at work, even after kids. I barely took maternity leave. I'm mid-forties, and part of me wants just to be done, or at least take a year off to be present with my kids and let our nanny go. We could afford to live off DH’s income indefinitely, really, and his position is secure. And I have plenty saved for retirement if I were to just let it grow at this point. But DH is now weirdly resistant to me “retiring” or even taking a sabbatical, even though in the past he claimed he was indifferent to whether I worked. What gives?

If you haven’t noticed, the economy is fraught and he probably doesn’t want the risk of being the sole breadwinner. Which is completely valid.

I imagine, he, too, would like to be done and more present for the kids. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

It’s not the losing the job bit but the giving up bit that’s going to but him. You are asking him to take on a lot. It will change your relationship and you risk resentment. I would resent you, too,

I resent him for overspending on himself, sending so much money to his parents, and leaving me with 95% of the parenting load while also working a full time job. I think I'm ok if he resents me for quitting outside work. I think that's just where I'm at right now. Isn't the worst case that he divorces me? I think I can financially survive a divorce. I should probably look for a low-stress part-time job for additional security, but that's it.

If you divorce you will be expected to return to work full-time. You seem to think he would pay you alimony. That isn’t likely.

And I bet you don’t really do 95% of the parenting load. That’s just a fantasy a lot of women say. But even if it’s true, at least your load would be reduced to 50% in a divorce.

Look, sugar, you sound lazy. No, you don’t get to downshift if he isn’t on board with it. I don’t care how much he spends.

I mean, ok? 50% of the load would be much less than now, and I don't expect alimony but I can afford to live a simpler life on half our net worth plus some seperate property if he divorced me. I can pick up contract work to cover any shortfall and keep my skills up.

I think I'm okay with being called names. It doesn't change the fact that it doesn't make logical sense to me to go back to a full time job plus an almost full time parenting. I’ve been stressed out and unhappy for a while and a job loss feels like a relief.

you dont get to magically declare you are going to stop working after divorce, they look at your job history over a period of time and you will not be supporting 50% less, its still the same load but you might be able to downsize your house and shared expenses but not he children or their school costs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to lose my job for the first time, due to circumstances beyond my control. I've worked so hard my whole life, from intense studying in school to long hours at work, even after kids. I barely took maternity leave. I'm mid-forties, and part of me wants just to be done, or at least take a year off to be present with my kids and let our nanny go. We could afford to live off DH’s income indefinitely, really, and his position is secure. And I have plenty saved for retirement if I were to just let it grow at this point. But DH is now weirdly resistant to me “retiring” or even taking a sabbatical, even though in the past he claimed he was indifferent to whether I worked. What gives?

If you haven’t noticed, the economy is fraught and he probably doesn’t want the risk of being the sole breadwinner. Which is completely valid.

I imagine, he, too, would like to be done and more present for the kids. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

It’s not the losing the job bit but the giving up bit that’s going to but him. You are asking him to take on a lot. It will change your relationship and you risk resentment. I would resent you, too,

I resent him for overspending on himself, sending so much money to his parents, and leaving me with 95% of the parenting load while also working a full time job. I think I'm ok if he resents me for quitting outside work. I think that's just where I'm at right now. Isn't the worst case that he divorces me? I think I can financially survive a divorce. I should probably look for a low-stress part-time job for additional security, but that's it.

If you divorce you will be expected to return to work full-time. You seem to think he would pay you alimony. That isn’t likely.

And I bet you don’t really do 95% of the parenting load. That’s just a fantasy a lot of women say. But even if it’s true, at least your load would be reduced to 50% in a divorce.

Look, sugar, you sound lazy. No, you don’t get to downshift if he isn’t on board with it. I don’t care how much he spends.

I mean, ok? 50% of the load would be much less than now, and I don't expect alimony but I can afford to live a simpler life on half our net worth plus some seperate property if he divorced me. I can pick up contract work to cover any shortfall and keep my skills up.

I think I'm okay with being called names. It doesn't change the fact that it doesn't make logical sense to me to go back to a full time job plus an almost full time parenting. I’ve been stressed out and unhappy for a while and a job loss feels like a relief.

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is his hobby. Your net worth is way low considering his income.

Probably golf. She mentioned a club membership. She also mentioned that he supports his parents.

what industry and skills do you have.

Anonymous wrote:If you wake up one morning and tell him “You’re an amazing person. I love you. But I’m just not in love with you, I want a divorce,” and he’s the sole breadwinner, our divorce laws will financially reward you for that. For some reason, a non-working spouse is entitled to “more” than the working spouse.

I didn’t make the rules.

None of that is true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to lose my job for the first time, due to circumstances beyond my control. I've worked so hard my whole life, from intense studying in school to long hours at work, even after kids. I barely took maternity leave. I'm mid-forties, and part of me wants just to be done, or at least take a year off to be present with my kids and let our nanny go. We could afford to live off DH’s income indefinitely, really, and his position is secure. And I have plenty saved for retirement if I were to just let it grow at this point. But DH is now weirdly resistant to me “retiring” or even taking a sabbatical, even though in the past he claimed he was indifferent to whether I worked. What gives?

If you haven’t noticed, the economy is fraught and he probably doesn’t want the risk of being the sole breadwinner. Which is completely valid.

I imagine, he, too, would like to be done and more present for the kids. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

It’s not the losing the job bit but the giving up bit that’s going to but him. You are asking him to take on a lot. It will change your relationship and you risk resentment. I would resent you, too,

I resent him for overspending on himself, sending so much money to his parents, and leaving me with 95% of the parenting load while also working a full time job. I think I'm ok if he resents me for quitting outside work. I think that's just where I'm at right now. Isn't the worst case that he divorces me? I think I can financially survive a divorce. I should probably look for a low-stress part-time job for additional security, but that's it.

If you divorce you will be expected to return to work full-time. You seem to think he would pay you alimony. That isn’t likely.

And I bet you don’t really do 95% of the parenting load. That’s just a fantasy a lot of women say. But even if it’s true, at least your load would be reduced to 50% in a divorce.

Look, sugar, you sound lazy. No, you don’t get to downshift if he isn’t on board with it. I don’t care how much he spends.

Wtf is his hobby. Your net worth is way low considering his income.

Anonymous wrote:Op I think you sound burnt out. Your husband does not sound burnt out. So it makes sense for you to take a break to solve that, and then maybe you will be ready to jump back in soon.

Every Fing working parent is burned out. But her kids are tweens/teens so becoming a SAHM is silly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a lot of new info, OP. I would also resent the money just streaming out of our household for expensive hobbies and his parents.

Since you will be going to one income (who knows for how long) you need to sit down and talk about these expenses. Now is the time to get him to cut back and have a budget. You can (pretend to) look for work or not, but the reality is that you both need to budget for one income. Now is the perfect time to put all that on the table. If he won't cut back or stick to a budget then you have huge problems, one income or two.

He's not going to cut back or budget. We've had those talks. He’ll spend as much as he makes and keep working until he can't. I don't think I can continue as I have for the last
20 years. Maybe a little contract work makes sense to cover my own expenses and save a little more for college, but I don't make enough to cover our expenses if he ever lost his job, he makes enough to cover our main expenses without my income, no matter how much I work or don't work, I'm still going to be the default parent. This upcoming job loss has me looking deeper into why I'm doing this to myself. My kids don't even appreciate the college savings. Only one of them is actually driven in school.

I’m sorry. Retiring in 40s is an absolute luxury. Just because you thought you had shagged a gravy train doesn’t mean you can; clearly your DH already had plans for the fruits of his labors, and I can’t believe this came as a surprise, you just thought he would change with kids etc.

Anonymous wrote:Here’s why I think, or partly: no job is secure right now and he’s nervous to be the only one with a paycheck. In dmv quite a few households have both adults with job loss.

This. My spouse lost a job and job hunted seriously, online hunting and applying every day, networking every possible contact, and it took 7 months and through a network contact who really promoted hiring him. Long term job hunters represent one in four job seekers right now and that is the highest number in a long time. Meanwhile AI is already starting to impact jobs though some believe it is AI washing as an excuse. Regardless, do not expect to easily find a job a year from now. It is a hot mess out there and only getting worse.

OP, I am an earlier PP who talked about potential mindset of your DH. This morning I am reading all the new information. It is clear that your DH cares more about himself, his family and a showy display of money than you, and even your kids.

I would talk to a divorce lawyer and determine the best way to protect yourself and your kids. And if you lose your job, I would not accommodate him. Make him come up with the solution to pay for all the expenses.

That said, be careful that he doesn't put you both into debt that you would have to partially take on if divorced. Also, do your best to keep track of where he is actually spending. Make sure he isn't actually hiding it, and telling you it's being spent on his parents. Or if he is hiding it through his parents.

I would be especially careful if your DH is an attorney.

Okay, OP. This is way more than two partners in a healthy marriage making employment decisions. This isn’t a money issue. It’s a relationship issue. Given what you explained, I would not feel comfortable being a SAHM. But it’s definitely up to you!

What's his job industry? DH and I could live off one another's salaries (though with some lifestyle adjustments). But if DH left the work force at this point, I'm not sure how easily he would get a new job. I work in a field that's always hiring. I quit my job last summer with no other job lined up, and it wasn't a concern. I had a new job within a month. If DH did the same, it would likely take much much longer to find a new job (which is different from 7 years ago when he was looking for a new job and practically had offers being thrown at him).

I think it's fair to sit down and look at long term finances if you don't go back to work. I think it's fair that he's hesitant as you are both older and the job market has changed.

Anonymous wrote:That's a lot of new info, OP. I would also resent the money just streaming out of our household for expensive hobbies and his parents.

Since you will be going to one income (who knows for how long) you need to sit down and talk about these expenses. Now is the time to get him to cut back and have a budget. You can (pretend to) look for work or not, but the reality is that you both need to budget for one income. Now is the perfect time to put all that on the table. If he won't cut back or stick to a budget then you have huge problems, one income or two.

He's not going to cut back or budget. We've had those talks. He’ll spend as much as he makes and keep working until he can't. I don't think I can continue as I have for the last
20 years. Maybe a little contract work makes sense to cover my own expenses and save a little more for college, but I don't make enough to cover our expenses if he ever lost his job, he makes enough to cover our main expenses without my income, no matter how much I work or don't work, I'm still going to be the default parent. This upcoming job loss has me looking deeper into why I'm doing this to myself. My kids don't even appreciate the college savings. Only one of them is actually driven in school.

Anonymous wrote:My wife took a year off after resigning from her job due to high stress. Her mental health was my priority. We are far less wealthy than most people here, but we are also more grounded in reality.

Agree with this approach. Money isn’t everything - people on dcum seem to have an unlimited need for more money and more stuff. Quality of life is important, too. My husband would be fine with what you’re asking, OP, and neither of us have private sector salaries. But we don’t live extravagantly and don’t care that we don’t.