Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading through this and thinking back to my teen years. And nothing - absolutely nothing - my parents said to me about drinking and drugs got through or made any difference to me. I just kept it up.

How can you turn this into a life lesson that actually makes a difference? Taking away the phone, ok. Grounding, ok. But what happens after that? Has anything anyone done actually made a difference in their kid's behaviors or choices? How do you know?

And what my parents said did get through to me and siblings (none of us drank in HS). It won’t work for every kid, but studies show that parental attitude/what you tell your kid DOES make a difference, statistically speaking.

How did your parents talk to you and your siblings?

There was no magic formula… they made sure we knew the risks of teen drinking, and that it was illegal, and they always broadcast the expectation that their kids would not do it. They did check on parties to be sure they’d have an adult present, but we still went out with friends and socialized. But we did not drink, smoke, or do drugs. None of the 5 of us. It helped that we found friend groups who also didn’t.

I think it's this coupled with good relationships with the kids leading up to these years and kids who know the parents are checked in and paying attention.

My teen son said to me once...most parents don't care what their kids do at all. There are A LOT of checked out parents of teenagers. A lot.

+100

Drinking at a young age raises the risk of alcohol use disorder.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading through this and thinking back to my teen years. And nothing - absolutely nothing - my parents said to me about drinking and drugs got through or made any difference to me. I just kept it up.

How can you turn this into a life lesson that actually makes a difference? Taking away the phone, ok. Grounding, ok. But what happens after that? Has anything anyone done actually made a difference in their kid's behaviors or choices? How do you know?

And what my parents said did get through to me and siblings (none of us drank in HS). It won’t work for every kid, but studies show that parental attitude/what you tell your kid DOES make a difference, statistically speaking.

How did your parents talk to you and your siblings?

There was no magic formula… they made sure we knew the risks of teen drinking, and that it was illegal, and they always broadcast the expectation that their kids would not do it. They did check on parties to be sure they’d have an adult present, but we still went out with friends and socialized. But we did not drink, smoke, or do drugs. None of the 5 of us. It helped that we found friend groups who also didn’t.

I think it's this coupled with good relationships with the kids leading up to these years and kids who know the parents are checked in and paying attention.

My teen son said to me once...most parents don't care what their kids do at all. There are A LOT of checked out parents of teenagers. A lot.

OP here. My kid has told me this, as well. Apparently I am seen as restrictive by her friends, despite the fact that up until now I have been very trusting in allowing her to explore independently, enjoy new friends and experiences, etc. But the trust has been broken and has to be earned back. We have a lot of relationship repairing to do.

She has expressed previously annoyance that I need to know where she is on weekends. I don't let her take Uber with friends who have their own accounts. Or just jump on a rental bike and zoom around town with friends (who do this without helmets, fwiw). But to me, this things are basic safety vs being overly restrictive.

I just lost my job, so we're not traveling over spring break. It sounds like most of her friends will be gone, which I'm grateful for. My hope is that we can spend some good quality time together doing things we used to do -- maybe some cooking, a hike, a bike ride, museums.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading through this and thinking back to my teen years. And nothing - absolutely nothing - my parents said to me about drinking and drugs got through or made any difference to me. I just kept it up.

How can you turn this into a life lesson that actually makes a difference? Taking away the phone, ok. Grounding, ok. But what happens after that? Has anything anyone done actually made a difference in their kid's behaviors or choices? How do you know?

And what my parents said did get through to me and siblings (none of us drank in HS). It won’t work for every kid, but studies show that parental attitude/what you tell your kid DOES make a difference, statistically speaking.

How did your parents talk to you and your siblings?

There was no magic formula… they made sure we knew the risks of teen drinking, and that it was illegal, and they always broadcast the expectation that their kids would not do it. They did check on parties to be sure they’d have an adult present, but we still went out with friends and socialized. But we did not drink, smoke, or do drugs. None of the 5 of us. It helped that we found friend groups who also didn’t.

I think it's this coupled with good relationships with the kids leading up to these years and kids who know the parents are checked in and paying attention.

My teen son said to me once...most parents don't care what their kids do at all. There are A LOT of checked out parents of teenagers. A lot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading through this and thinking back to my teen years. And nothing - absolutely nothing - my parents said to me about drinking and drugs got through or made any difference to me. I just kept it up.

How can you turn this into a life lesson that actually makes a difference? Taking away the phone, ok. Grounding, ok. But what happens after that? Has anything anyone done actually made a difference in their kid's behaviors or choices? How do you know?

And what my parents said did get through to me and siblings (none of us drank in HS). It won’t work for every kid, but studies show that parental attitude/what you tell your kid DOES make a difference, statistically speaking.

How did your parents talk to you and your siblings?

There was no magic formula… they made sure we knew the risks of teen drinking, and that it was illegal, and they always broadcast the expectation that their kids would not do it. They did check on parties to be sure they’d have an adult present, but we still went out with friends and socialized. But we did not drink, smoke, or do drugs. None of the 5 of us. It helped that we found friend groups who also didn’t.

It is surprising how effective this is and also surprising how few parents do it. Worked for me and my siblings and worked for my teens. I do believe there are kids who are determined to do it, no matter what. But I think this is a minority.

I have parented three teens and there are a lot of parents who view teenage high school drinking as normal, part of life, inevitable, rite of passage, I drank and turned out fine, best you can do is try to make sure they don't drive when drunk (though some don't even seem to bother about that), etc. There is a common mindset that kids should "learn" how to drink at home while living with their parents and if you don't do this your child will become the out of control drunk in college. There are parents who allow drinking in their home and think this makes them good parents. The whole thing is pretty fascinating. Lots of mental gymnastics.

Anonymous wrote:However she is still a teen and I’d keep talking to her and reiterate she can earn things back

Is it serious that she lied to you? Yes, that is what would bother me the most.

How do you keep open lines of communication with your daughter? I think this is the question that should drive consequences MORE than just punishment, restrictions, shutting everything down. Your post sounds to me like it's going to drive your DD farther away from you and I think you want to take a deep breath, think about the fact that you are afraid and love your DD, and consider going back to her with your fears and trying to focus on open communication and less on freaking out at her.

What I like about the idea of earning things back is that is focuses on building a relationship with your DD, not just shutting her off in a punitive way. Another idea might be to think about where drinking is happening (overnights, non-school night evenings) and focus restrictions on those activities but support and encourage other things, like going to the mall or having kids over to watch a movie or doing a sporty thing together.

Do I hear that you are frightened? Yes. Do I believe you have good reason to be frightened? Yes. But how you respond to this fear and whether that fear drives you to push your daughter away, versus can you use it more productively to keep her world view open and encourage her to explore other ways of socializing, to see you as a resource and as a support, etc.?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading through this and thinking back to my teen years. And nothing - absolutely nothing - my parents said to me about drinking and drugs got through or made any difference to me. I just kept it up.

How can you turn this into a life lesson that actually makes a difference? Taking away the phone, ok. Grounding, ok. But what happens after that? Has anything anyone done actually made a difference in their kid's behaviors or choices? How do you know?

And what my parents said did get through to me and siblings (none of us drank in HS). It won’t work for every kid, but studies show that parental attitude/what you tell your kid DOES make a difference, statistically speaking.

How did your parents talk to you and your siblings?

There was no magic formula… they made sure we knew the risks of teen drinking, and that it was illegal, and they always broadcast the expectation that their kids would not do it. They did check on parties to be sure they’d have an adult present, but we still went out with friends and socialized. But we did not drink, smoke, or do drugs. None of the 5 of us. It helped that we found friend groups who also didn’t.

I wouldn’t let her see these friends again, no contact at all. She’d be supervised when no longer grounded. Maybe if she sees the error of her ways and is remorseful, there might be unsupervised with totally different friend group in months.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading through this and thinking back to my teen years. And nothing - absolutely nothing - my parents said to me about drinking and drugs got through or made any difference to me. I just kept it up.

How can you turn this into a life lesson that actually makes a difference? Taking away the phone, ok. Grounding, ok. But what happens after that? Has anything anyone done actually made a difference in their kid's behaviors or choices? How do you know?

And what my parents said did get through to me and siblings (none of us drank in HS). It won’t work for every kid, but studies show that parental attitude/what you tell your kid DOES make a difference, statistically speaking.

How did your parents talk to you and your siblings?

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading through this and thinking back to my teen years. And nothing - absolutely nothing - my parents said to me about drinking and drugs got through or made any difference to me. I just kept it up.

How can you turn this into a life lesson that actually makes a difference? Taking away the phone, ok. Grounding, ok. But what happens after that? Has anything anyone done actually made a difference in their kid's behaviors or choices? How do you know?

And what my parents said did get through to me and siblings (none of us drank in HS). It won’t work for every kid, but studies show that parental attitude/what you tell your kid DOES make a difference, statistically speaking.

Anonymous wrote:Your past isn’t “icky” and you are incredibly strong to be where you are considering what you’ve been through. If you can handle that, you can handle this.

Thank you for the kind words.

6:38 again and grades and activities are irrelevant. I was a straight A honors kid in a sport and so were my friends. One of my kid who is older and has some issues with friends was also earning high grades and on a team sport. Wild kids are in all classes and involved in all things. He now is a senior and rarely goes out or drinks. Freshman year was the worst of it for us with him.

Parenting is hard but you got this, OP!

A lot of kids drink in HS and even middle school and a lot do not. Personally, I don’t think taking away the phone and computer is the answer. You can do that if you want but need to do more because it won’t do anything to help.

I drank with friends in middle school and HS and so did DH. A lot. So for our kids, we got rid of all alcohol in the house during those years. We know just how sneaky we were at the various houses. We slept with our car keys in our bedroom for years too. And we said no to sleepovers.

Sure, they can drink during other times but we were strict on who they hung out with. So I’m with you on the grounding. She doesn’t hang out outside of school with these kids again for a very long time. You decide if you allow it again and you know if this is was a one time thing or if they are going down the wrong path. That is the most important thing to determine through continuous talking and open conversations. They might be good kids who just made a mistake.

Your past isn’t “icky” and you are incredibly strong to be where you are considering what you’ve been through. If you can handle that, you can handle this.

Stay strong OP