Most of the funerals that I’ve been to have been open to anyone who wants to attend. That’s why announcements are made in churches that I’ve attended, and obituaries with details about the service are published publicly. As someone who has had to arrange a funeral service, I find these traditions very helpful. They leave space for receiving support of different kinds. The last thing that I would have wanted, while dealing with my own grief, would have been to be personally responsible for reaching out to dozens if not hundreds of people, during a very short, very stressful period of time, to extend personal invitations. It’s time consuming, and emotionally a painful burden to be tasked with informing others of a death and to handle their shock and loss while dealing with my own.


The traditions I’m used to reflect my experience growing up in relatively cohesive communities, though, and I recognize that this isn’t everyone’s experience.

Anonymous wrote:I do not think your friend would even expect to see you there.
I would only go if she invited me personally.

I would likely only attend a funeral for a parent of either my spouse or a best friend.
Maybe also my children’s other parent if they are still young too.

I'm 55, and I've never heard of personal invitations to a funeral.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disagree. The fact that she told you about the death (with detail!) means you should go.

+1 I wouldn't go to the graveside element but I would come to the memorial and show support for your friend. You don't even have to stay long, it's the appearance that matters.

Friends of mine showed up unexpectedly to my brother in law's funeral and my husband was really touched. I think sometimes we feel awkward about making too grand of a "gesture" but most people just receive it as what it is intended to be: a show of support and kindness.

Where I am from, this is generally what people do. A lot of people will come to the memorial service; that is considered a public event and where people come to show support for the family. The graveside service is usually family and people who are like family only. A lot of times that is entirely private. The last 3 funerals I went to followed this pattern.

I'm with the others who have never heard of being "invited" to a funeral. If it's announced, and you want to pay respects or support a friend, you go.

So I'd go OP - just to be there for your friend. If you see her, great - give her a hug and if she wants to chat, great.

Since it's not immediately after the death, I think it's fine to give her a heads up you'll be there, but make it clear you're not expecting her to make any effort to greet you etc. Only because if I didn't know a friend was going to be there, and found out later, I might feel bad I didn't acknowledge her presence in person. But I have no idea how to phrase something like that without being awkward - unless it's "I'm planning on going to the service, is there any thing I can do to help, like give someone a ride?"

Yes, go. It's absolutly appropriate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not think your friend would even expect to see you there.
I would only go if she invited me personally.

I would likely only attend a funeral for a parent of either my spouse or a best friend.
Maybe also my children’s other parent if they are still young too.

I think you're very unique in this. I've been to 5 funerals in the past 3 months. All elderly people. All attended by 500-800 people, primarily friends of the elderly person's children.

I have a hard time believing this. No funeral I've ever attended has ever had that many attendees. Perhaps we're not from the same culture, but I think your experience is definitely not the norm.

I'm not making stuff up.
3 were in DC, one was in the deep South, one near Philly. the churches were packed.

When my own MIL (age 80) died 2 yrs ago there were easily 500 people at the funeral in Philly. My husband had 30+ friends and coworkers drive up from DC, none had told us in advance. They just showed up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not think your friend would even expect to see you there.
I would only go if she invited me personally.

I would likely only attend a funeral for a parent of either my spouse or a best friend.
Maybe also my children’s other parent if they are still young too.

I think you're very unique in this. I've been to 5 funerals in the past 3 months. All elderly people. All attended by 500-800 people, primarily friends of the elderly person's children.

I have a hard time believing this. No funeral I've ever attended has ever had that many attendees. Perhaps we're not from the same culture, but I think your experience is definitely not the norm.

Anonymous wrote:Disagree. The fact that she told you about the death (with detail!) means you should go.

+1 I wouldn't go to the graveside element but I would come to the memorial and show support for your friend. You don't even have to stay long, it's the appearance that matters.

Friends of mine showed up unexpectedly to my brother in law's funeral and my husband was really touched. I think sometimes we feel awkward about making too grand of a "gesture" but most people just receive it as what it is intended to be: a show of support and kindness.

Anonymous wrote:If you have to ask, don’t go.

What? Hard disagree. Any attendance is appreciated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. I do not show up uninvited to a stranger's funeral.

WTF?? People are not invited to funerals unless you are like Princess Diana or someone else famous.

Not true. Sometimes people have small, private funerals where the date and location are not published. I’ve been to a couple and they just wanted it to be a small family event. It doesn’t sound like it with OP, since it was online. In that situation you can go to show support for the family.

Usually it either gives time and location of visitation and/or services which means you can go OR it says "private services will be held."

Anonymous wrote:I do not think your friend would even expect to see you there.
I would only go if she invited me personally.

I would likely only attend a funeral for a parent of either my spouse or a best friend.
Maybe also my children’s other parent if they are still young too.

I think you're very unique in this. I've been to 5 funerals in the past 3 months. All elderly people. All attended by 500-800 people, primarily friends of the elderly person's children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. I do not show up uninvited to a stranger's funeral.

WTF?? People are not invited to funerals unless you are like Princess Diana or someone else famous.

PP you replied to. I am not Jewish. I do not go to the funeral of a non-relative unless someone from that family asks me to come. I don't read death notices or obituaries. The only way I'd know there was a funeral is if someone told me. So then I'd need to be sent the time and place. If someone sends me the time and place, I assume I've been asked to go, and then I go. I wouldn't ask these details of my own volition unless it was the parent/sibling of my close friends. My best friend's husband lost a parent, the funeral was in NYC, and I was never asked to go, and I never got the feeling they wanted me to attend. They never sent me any details about it. We're still good friends.

Also, and maybe this is the most important - I do not believe that the crowd at a funeral indicates anything about the deceased or their family. I think that's why some posters think attending stranger's funerals is important. They want a crowd at their own.

Anonymous wrote:I know the person who lost her parent quite well. We've texted hundreds of times. Our kids are best friends. We've been to their house multiple times, gone out to eat many times and have even talked about vacationing together. We just haven't been as close the past 9 months as our lives have changed (our kids went off to college, her parent got ill, etc).

When her parent died I saw her a few weeks later and she told me the entire story as we spent a few hours together. It's just that she has never told me the details about this memorial service and I only know the details from googling her name and reading about them online.

I'm just not sure how things go as I haven't had many funerals to attend. I'm going to show up. I figure you never regret going. I'll give her a hug and then slip out the back right away.

I think this sounds good.

I wonder if others think it would be okay to send a text like:

I was thinking of you and looked up your parent's obituary. (Option to Insert some compliment about something you read). I saw there's a service on Saturday and plan to go to. I hope that's okay.

Anonymous wrote:I do not think your friend would even expect to see you there.
I would only go if she invited me personally.

I would likely only attend a funeral for a parent of either my spouse or a best friend.
Maybe also my children’s other parent if they are still young too.

When my mother died I did not "expect" to see anyone. I was happy to see whoever showed up, even people who hadn't seen my mom in 40 years.

I do not think your friend would even expect to see you there.
I would only go if she invited me personally.

I would likely only attend a funeral for a parent of either my spouse or a best friend.
Maybe also my children’s other parent if they are still young too.