OP, I'm mostly on your side here, and I'm an on-the-ground sibling and understand how crushing the stress of caring for the elderly is.

In your case, I would try to get the key to your parents' apartment to stay there. Tell your brother you can't afford a hotel room, and that you'll do whatever needs to be done while he's gone. Tell him that while there, you will attempt to better understand what needs to be done so that you can be more help.

Then just go and see both of your parents every day. Try to establish a new paradigm with them. Show up with flowers or small things to brighten their rooms. You might hate every minute of it, but just by being there with any luck you'll start getting the lay of the land. Frankly, it will be easier to do this with your brother gone.

Also, given a lot of your details, your brother and mother might enjoy playing the victims here, making you feel guilty. Because the sorts of things that actually need doing at this point can really only be done by people who live there.

Anonymous wrote:He wants and needs you to do more. Visiting 3-4 times a year ain’t it. In your shoes I’d now text my brother and ask if I fly up solo next weekend, can we talk about how I can be more involved and take on more of the load. And then I’d try to figure out what I can do to help more. Flying up monthly, dealing with insurance or other paperwork, paying for aides or whatever else might help ease the burden on your brother. And I’d be prepared to hear his ideas as well.

He’s doing all the heavy lifting, and the toll that takes is insane. What would be happening with your parents if your brother hadn’t moved to where they live?

Does your brother have a spouse and children?

Good suggestions here. ^^

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

Look, if you're not able to talk to your parents or have a civil relationship with your family then it's not your brother's fault or the fact that he's "angry" he has such a bum and useless sibling. The parents don't like OP and OP doesn't like them and we don't really know why. Seems nobody wants the help that OP isn't up to giving anyway.

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Dad has dementia that recently increased significantly. He is in a rehab. He keeps trying to leave and having falls bc he doesn't understand where he is. I have suggested multiple times that he should not be at the rehab he needs a safer memory care situation. I'm told I don't get to have a say.

Mom until recently was getting around on her own with a walker. She will need rehab now after bring in the hospital for 2 weeks.

Mom wants to stay in their place and have aides brought in to her. She will not consider a nursing home or assisted living right - but it really is what she needs.

My suggestions are taken with contempt so I stopped.

If you lived nearby you wouldn't need his permission to visit. You would just go to the rehab and visit them. Or just your dad. So do that. Stop asking him what time is good. He's telling you he does not want to coordinate your visit. Go, visit your parents, and see what they need. If they ask for something, get it for them.

OP, I have elderly neighbors who's adult kids rarely visit. Pretty sure the wife is abusive not just because they don't visit, but because she has thrown tirades at about half our neighbors at some point and she sometimes had alcohol on her breath. The husband is passive aggressive and is the neighborhood gossip and pot-stirrer. The wife is in bad shape, husband is pretty together. They have a whole set up with aides, maids, food delivery and a social worker who manages it all and checks in on them. I know because she told me to call her if there is ever an issue. we're pretty sure they even convinced the wife to go on heavy meds because she hasn't screamed at any neighbors in years and she seems so calm when we occasionally see her out with her walker. Two of their adult children live in the area and like I said-almost never see them. So, there are solutions.

Anonymous wrote:You apologize, clear your schedule, and you stay in their home while he gets a much needed break.

Op here

I responded to ask to discuss when I can come and what's needed and was just told he "doesn't have time to indulge in such nonsense and has no time to keep me updated so I feel involved."

I'm willing to go there. He's unwilling to discuss it or what other time periods would work.

I can respond and say I'll be there while he's away. I really don't see how this can work if he wants to be like this.

Beyond that he basically just wants me to park myself in a hotel and wait for something to be needed.

To the PP, he is not going to offer for me to stay at his home. I was going to ask for a key to my parents apartment to stay there if they aren't there (at the rehab). No idea if he will comply.

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

OP ITA.

My goodness, doubling down. A total victim. If you care about your brother, stop lying about the situation. At the very least send him money as a thank you with a heartfelt card. (Though you sound exactly like my victim brother, who refused to help).

The blame and victimhood is unbecoming. Tell the truth for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize, clear your schedule, and you stay in their home while he gets a much needed break.

Parents don't want her staying in their small apartment. I don't think you have read all posts.

They're not at the apartment, they're at separate rehabs at least for now.

OP can go and prepare their home for their return.

You might have said that was what you meant in your previous post. Whatever the case, they have an aide.

I don't disagree that OP should go, but she'll have to get permission from parents and brother to stay in apartment. And I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't agree.

Your tone shows the kind of person that you are. You'd just bulldoze in and do whatever you thought needed to be done. And maybe that would work. But I'm guessing with your personality you wouldn't put up with abuse or any guilt about cutting said parent off had it happened. We are trying to help OP given her particulars.

So, clearly OP doesn't really want to help or be involved. She feels guilty and makes an occasional insincere call to say "is there anything I can do?" Then rejects the ways brother says she can help then says "welp, I tried!"

Just let it go, OP. You don't like your family and don't really want to help. Now you have to sit with your own guilty feelings about that and not pretend that your brother is just standing in the way.

Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize, clear your schedule, and you stay in their home while he gets a much needed break.

Parents don't want her staying in their small apartment. I don't think you have read all posts.

They're not at the apartment, they're at separate rehabs at least for now.

OP can go and prepare their home for their return.

Anonymous wrote:If OP's parents have aides at their apartment and a meal delivery service, then OP's brother is free to go on vacation without anyone "covering." Seriously, what's the issue? It doesn't sound like their is cognitive decline. They can call 9-1-1 of there is a legit emergency.

But I also agree OP needs to go up and meet with the parents/brother in person to see what else could be done. And OP should tell the brother when she is visiting (way ahead of time, in writing), so OP's brother knows when she can fill in.

Other than that, sounds like OP's brother is getting the entire inheritance and OP thinks that's reasonable.

These aren't terrible issues.

This.

Anonymous wrote:You apologize, clear your schedule, and you stay in their home while he gets a much needed break.

Parents don't want her staying in their small apartment. I don't think you have read all posts.