Imho, it's a major parental fail when anyone 16 or older hasn't become a good driver.

My kids were the same. They didn't get licenses until their early 20s. In this area and with metro, ubers, etc, they managed just fine. From my end, I was happy to wait because a nervous driver is an accident waiting to happen and that is a huge liability.

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 20 years old and very nervous about learning to drive. She needs to know how, in an emergency, and the driver's license in our country is basically our universal ID card. I think if she conquered her fears, her confidence would grow.
She passed the written test--hurray!--on her first try. But getting her behind the wheel has been very difficult ("I'm working...I'm tired...") and I don't know how hard to push it.

I dealt with this with one of my children when they were 21. We hired a private driver's ed teacher to work with them a few times to take the parent-child dynamic out of the situation. It helped immensely. That was 5 years ago. They now drive, but they do avoid highways whenever possible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get her a Tesla with a self-driving subscription. Her confidence will build up after some time.

Please ignore this.

Ha ha ha, spend a gazillion dollars on a self-driving car???? That's crazy.

Just leave it. She doesn't want to drive. Just make sure she understands that she has to pay for her Lyft, not you, and that you won't be driving her everywhere. She is welcome to take public transportation, arrange with friends to drive, walk or take a Lyft, but you aren't her chauffeur any longer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s a worst case scenario: I have a relative, aged 40, who to this day hasn’t learned to drive and it’s seriously limited her opportunities in work, dating, and life.

Like a PP she grew up in NYC and lived in walkable cities - until a few years ago, when life circumstances brought her to a non-walkable suburb. Her life has become very small. Even though she would like a new job, she’s limited to fully remote options, which are not nearly as abundant as even a couple of years ago.

I would force the issue, frankly. It’s a basic life skill.

She could always learn, she's only 40. My parents had a friend who got his license at 65 (also NYC). I think he had one when young but it had been lapsed 40 odd years.

Learning is very hard past 30s. You are much more aware of the risk and danger, and inner ear viscosity means it feels worse.

Huh? I will agree that 30 year olds know more about the risks and danger, but inner ear viscosity?

Anonymous wrote:Get her a Tesla with a self-driving subscription. Her confidence will build up after some time.

Please ignore this.

*uncertain ^^

Anonymous wrote:My son had a fear of driving. He has ADHD, low processing speed and a poor reaction time, and knows his limitations. We did not want to let him go to college without a license, however, so we taught him to drive despite his deep misgivings. He got his license at 17. He has not used it, except last summer when he was 20 to get to a summer job near our house (VERY easy drive). But the point isn't that he drive, the point is that he has a license. He doesn't want to drive at night. He tends to go slowly and carefully - we still accompany many of his drives to act as a back-up pair of eyes in cases he misses anything. Perhaps one day he will reach a point where he becomes a responsive, responsible driver. For now, he can drive in case it's absolutely needed. And maybe that's all he'll ever do.

And to the poster who cannot respect people who don't have this skill - shame on you!

+1 my DD has a learning disability and very slow processing speed with difficulty problem-solving in novel situations, which always come up on the road. She’s capable of going to college, but it’s I certain if she’ll ever drive. Would PP prefer unsafe drivers on the road?

Anonymous wrote:I would have little respect for you or your daughter if she didn't learn this basic skill, a life skill.

This kind of all-or-nothing thinking is puzzling.

Get her a Tesla with a self-driving subscription. Her confidence will build up after some time.

First, identify what’s important. If it’s getting an official ID, she can get a non-drivers identification card.

If it’s learning an important skill, think about why and when it will be important. I got my license, then went to a college with a no-car policy, then moved to NYC for grad school. So I spent decades in environments where driving wasn’t necessary, and having a car would be a very expensive hassle.

If it’s a life skill issue, hire a professional. My first driving teacher provided a traumatic experience— that I didn’t realize I could complain about. My mother was so nervous that we both agreed that she would not be a good driving instructor for me. Eventually, as an adult. I got a very patient, unflappable instructor. Find someone like that for your daughter.

I’ve worn glasses since I was two, and have always had poor hand-eye coordination. (Premature baby). I say this because some of us have challenges with driving that people who don’t have these types of challenges might not even notice. Like, having minimal peripheral vision impacts your skill set, and should impact the instruction that you receive.

tldr: Offer her opportunities for instruction, follow her lead.

She really doesn’t need to drive. With uber, Lyft, public transport- she’ll be fine.

She can get a non driving ID card from the DMV.

Until I was 30 I was in environments almost exclusively serviced by great public transportation or being able to walk. I had an apartment about 2 miles from my grad school in a city and do not regret all the physical exercise I used to get.

But it did get impossible to not be driving once I I got married and we had kids. My in-laws gave us two of their cars as a wedding present (and just rolled themselves into new ones).

I have probably driven a million miles since then.

Only recently as a retired person have I gone to thinking that I can probably get by without a car at all as long as there's uber etc. Me? I'm OK. I don't need to necessarily go anywhere in person anymore. I get everything else delivered.

But, again, I'm old and know the deal.

Your 20 yo daughter will feel the lack of a license acutely if she's not already somewhere like NYC. I could never take my turn driving on road trips (I was gas money girl). I could never go out to do anything unless someone was picking me up and dropping me back home (that last one is a danger issue).

It gets harder and harder to get back on the horse once you put up resistance and dig in your heels.

Driving is a basic skill, like it or not.

In a true "emergency" people will drive for you. Also, if it's someone else's "emergency" there are people to drive for that person.

But you also render yourself effectively less useful to yourself.

It's not quite the same thing as being terrified of dogs or birds or something, but it reminds me of the same syndrome. Just get over it.

*opts for public transportation most of the time, but it was worth it for us for her to learn as a life skill and she is slooowly gaining confidence with it. We had her do additional lessons on the car with an instructor and it took a tremendous amount of effort and patience in our part. We got good at driving a little further out to practice on less busy roads. I’m glad we hung in there, but it has been a very long process.