Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom should cut you off. That way she can make strong bonds with people who can do the same back. End of story. She can send you a card at Christmas.

Why stop there! Perhaps OP’s mom should just give up on people entirely and limit companionship to sycophantic chatbots. Then she never has to worry about anyone disagreeing with her ever again!

Anonymous wrote:"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

Anonymous wrote:"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

Projecting much? Why do you assume the family was abusive to OP's mom? My mom has always had a strained relationship with a couple of her siblings, but honestly it goes both ways. She would complain about her siblings not doing enough elder care for my grandma in her later years. But when they offered to take on more, my mom would criticize them for not doing it exactly like she did. e.g., aunt would take grandma to doctor's appointment and my mom was upset that aunt didn't "ask more questions." When I'd ask my mom if she gave aunt a list of questions to ask, she didn't, and then would rant about how if ant had been more involved she'd just know what questions to ask. etc. etc. So then my mom would go back to wanting to do it all herself and complain about the lack of help. She would really benefit from some therapy.

If your mom always had a strained relationship with them, likely there was more to the story that you weren’t privy to, from when she was young. The strife in adulthood could be mirroring the feelings from those earlier experiences. Agree with you about therapy. —dp

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

Projecting much? Why do you assume the family was abusive to OP's mom? My mom has always had a strained relationship with a couple of her siblings, but honestly it goes both ways. She would complain about her siblings not doing enough elder care for my grandma in her later years. But when they offered to take on more, my mom would criticize them for not doing it exactly like she did. e.g., aunt would take grandma to doctor's appointment and my mom was upset that aunt didn't "ask more questions." When I'd ask my mom if she gave aunt a list of questions to ask, she didn't, and then would rant about how if ant had been more involved she'd just know what questions to ask. etc. etc. So then my mom would go back to wanting to do it all herself and complain about the lack of help. She would really benefit from some therapy.

Anonymous wrote:"They’re all really nice people..." OP, they are nice to YOU. They were not nice and accepting to your mother. I had to cut my entire birth family off because they so emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. I had an older sibling once tell me when I was a teenager how they didn't understand why I was even born. But these same relatives who tried to snuff out my existence would happily engage my children, who I exposed to them irregularly. They would send cards and gifts to my kids, but never to me. Please keep in mind that they once celebrated my birthday growing up. Are you beginning to glimpse the abuse cycle? Abusive families will be nice to the children of the children/siblings/nieces/nephews of the people they abused. They still send my kids cards even thought I went no contact, as an eff you...to me. They are nice to my kids, but were horrible to me. It's a furtherance of the abuse cycle. We, as your mother, will never fully tell you what we went through because it would make you cry. Believe your mother.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom should cut you off. That way she can make strong bonds with people who can do the same back. End of story. She can send you a card at Christmas.

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is wrong on multiple fronts.
I understand her lasting resentment against her siblings for not helping her elderly parents, and if she wants to cut off contact with them, that's a legitimate choice on her part.

But her first mistake is to visit the sins of the parents unto the children, ie, cut off the now-adult children of her siblings, who are not at fault. The second mistake is to expect that this fight should be perpetuated between descendants who had nothing to do with the actual events that triggered the fallout.

I feel strongly about this because it happened in my family. My grandfather contravened the laws of inheritance in the country he lived in, to have his only son inherit the bulk of his considerable estate, and left all his daughters in the cold. After a 25 year court battle, his daughters were finally given a fraction of what they were legally entitled to, because a lot had been spent already and the son was not required to pay them back the entirety of what he owed. Thereupon the son's wife and daughter declared all that side of the family were dead to them and I have never been able to contact my cousin again, or her three young daughters. Rifts in families like this are traumatic for all the innocent children and grandchildren who grow up without knowing their extended relatives.

So you are doing the right thing, OP. Your mother is a lost cause. Think of yourself, your relatives and future generations.

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you talk to her about it? I would be upset with you too if you were my DC and you ignored the obvious pain she is in that caused her to cut them off. You don't have to cut them off -- but do you really want to contribute to your own mother's painful situation? I wouldn't. But again, TALK TO HER. Not DCUM.