If the OP's kid were confident and thriving, I would agree with those who say to leave it alone, except that OP specifically said her daughter is the target of exclusion and even bullying. At this point, as a parent, you have to intervene and at least explain that kids judge each other based on clothes. A spectrum adjacent kid may be slow to learn this and needs some help.

Anonymous wrote:Is the issue that she is going to dress like Ms. Rachel, or that she is going to talk a lot about how she is dressed like her/tell everyone about her/not read the social cues that indicate that others are not aligned with her interests? I'm wondering if the issue is the second thing more than the first? Which is what would actually point to being neurodiverse to me.

I’m not sure there’s a “point” of being neurodiverse. I also think OP mentioned ASD just to sort of comment on what her daughter is like. I’m not sure it is the main point. I also think Ms. Rachel is allllll over social media— it was a popular Halloween costume this year. Even if she does not mention it many teens will know who she is dressed like.

Is the issue that she is going to dress like Ms. Rachel, or that she is going to talk a lot about how she is dressed like her/tell everyone about her/not read the social cues that indicate that others are not aligned with her interests? I'm wondering if the issue is the second thing more than the first? Which is what would actually point to being neurodiverse to me.

Anonymous wrote:“That sounds like a fun idea, but I just need to tell you that you should probably expect some comments you may not like about dressing like a kids show character. Are you prepared for that kind of attention? I support you dressing however you like, but if you get upset, that may make it hard to concentrate at school. Do whatever you like, but just think that through”

I’m the pp who said we go hard on encouraging age-appropriate interests.

I like this language but I might also add— “How about we both go get awesome manicures to show off at school?”

I didn’t read all the posts— they started out being fairly unhelpful.

I am sort of in the same boat with my 11 yo. Not ASD but quirky. Also, we spent the first part of his life living in another country, so I think he is even more clueless about some norms. I let most things go but when I think he’s doing something that would be talked about for months (like bringing a big stuffed animal to school) I tell him it’s inappropriate for school, that it might be something other kids would think was “too young” but that our family and good friends love and appreciate all his hobbies and interests. He has been able to take in that distinction and be a little annoyed by it but not too upset. I also really entice him to be interested in age appropriate things. We’ve gone hard encouraging his love of soccer and some age-appropriate shows and music.

My DD who can be a little like this has a younger sister who helps her out with these things. But she also knows she needs advice from time to time. So both of those facets make it a little easier.

My short answer is yes, I would.

I have an ASD girl who has her own sense of quirky fashion. She’s aware it isn’t trendy and that’s ok with her. I’m not sure the kids make fun of how she dresses (it’s just dresses and long skirts and tall boots) but I’m sure they do for other personality related things at times. With kids like this it is about the push pull of letting them be themselves and not feel shame for it and also not letting them go TOO far in the direction of being off putting and making themselves vulnerable … I feel you on that. Part of our job IS helping them follow those social norms that they can’t pick up on themselves.

For what it’s worth, you sound like you know she is ASD even if at age 8 they didn’t officially diagnose. Another evaluation is always an option but so is simply telling her she’s on the spectrum and discussing that with her. It was very, very empowering and validating for my daughter to understand that about herself and I think it could be for yours too.

“That sounds like a fun idea, but I just need to tell you that you should probably expect some comments you may not like about dressing like a kids show character. Are you prepared for that kind of attention? I support you dressing however you like, but if you get upset, that may make it hard to concentrate at school. Do whatever you like, but just think that through”

Anonymous wrote:I struggle with this so much.

My kid is on the spectrum and always dresses very oddly for the season / weather, but also is VERY averse to people looking at her. So I’m like “it is certainly your choice to wear sneakers, jeans and a hoodie to the pool on a July Saturday to watch your sister swim, but people’s gaze is certainly going to linger due to it being sort of out of place”. I try to warn her because she gets super upset if she catches anyone so much as glancing at her - it’s like, if you don’t care i don’t care, but the crash out makes it really hard to navigate.

This reminds me of the mom at my kids elementary school who had very bright colored neon dyed hair and once told a group of moms who were volunteering for an event alongside her that she was extremely shy and hated the stares and attention she got from people.
I did not doubt her sincerity of her feeling, but it definitely made me question the disconnect between her actions and the disdain for what (to me) would be an obvious response to her deliberately-selected attempt to not blend in.

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Anonymous wrote:I had to look up who Ms. Rachel is (I don't have toddlers). Seems she mostly just dresses like a fairly normal person, albeit a little out of style? Overalls and t-shirts?

I'm not sure why that would make her a target. Perhaps I'm missing something, but I would let my kid dress however they want. If there are social consequences they will learn. You say she's not ND, which would change my response.

Pink shirt, overalls and a pink headband are her staple look.

It will most likely make her a target as past fashion choices have…

I do think I need to just let her naturally learn those lessons (whether justified or not).

That's the point--pink t shirt and overalls may be her staple look, but I have a hard time believing that kids pay so much attention to what others wear that they're immediately going to think about that. It's not as if she's dressing up like Ronald McDonald or Wonder Woman.

Middle schoolers think A LOT about what others wear. It's top 5 in topics they think and talk about. Of course they are going to notice and likely unkindly discuss this girls pink shirt and overalls.

I would tell my child irs a fashion choice that her peers likely wont understand. I wouldn't force her to change but I would prepare her for judgment.

Yes, but it’s far worse today: any sort of clothing which is out of the ordinary will be photographed, then shared all over the school by social media within minutes. And mocked.

Middle schoolers live under a microscope today. Any and everything they wear or do is recorded, posted to social, and subject to ridicule.

They use phones at lunch and to/from school. There is no escape.

This is scare-mongering. I've had two middle schoolers in recent years and I've volunteered at their two, different, public middle schools. No one ever comments on other kids' clothing, instances of bullying are promptly addressed, and really, clothing is NOT a big deal.

Yes, kids can be nasty at that age. But there's also a lot of emphasis in schools on preventing bullying.

I don’t think you understand how SnapChat works.

I struggle with this so much.

My kid is on the spectrum and always dresses very oddly for the season / weather, but also is VERY averse to people looking at her. So I’m like “it is certainly your choice to wear sneakers, jeans and a hoodie to the pool on a July Saturday to watch your sister swim, but people’s gaze is certainly going to linger due to it being sort of out of place”. I try to warn her because she gets super upset if she catches anyone so much as glancing at her - it’s like, if you don’t care i don’t care, but the crash out makes it really hard to navigate.

Yes. I would never let anyone in my circle make ME a target. So I would definitely tell them to fix something if we are headed out and about together to include me coming to pick them up from school or wherever

I have a kid on the spectrum but I’d approach this the same way with my kid not on the spectrum.

I’d let them know. I would allow them to make their own decisions but I’d also make sure they were at least aware of what would likely be others responses.

If she knows and does not care that is totally different from if she does not know.

Anonymous wrote:She knows she might be a “target” because you already said other fashion choices have made her one. She knows and she doesn’t care. You should encourage and support her ability to not give a f* and to do what makes HER happy.

This is a blessing OP. Many many teens get in trouble from peer pressure, caring too much about other’s opinions, and wanting to fit in. Your daughter is not afraid to stand out. Good job mom! Keep up the good work!

It sounds like she DOES care though. She just hasn't been able to make the connection between how she dresses and the rejection/teasing. I think it's wonderful to be your own person and do what you like. Unfortunately it can make you a target. The fact that she's hurt and bothered by this means you need to step in. In a perfect world, you'd be able to get her to see that other people's opinions on her are dumb and that people who make fun of her for how she dresses are people she shouldn't want to associate with. But that's in a perfect world. The world we live in means you need to help guide her a bit and explain why certain outfits are making her a target. Maybe she can wear the shirt with jeans and a pink headband. Or the overalls without the headband. It can be about her keeping most of her style, but tampering it down a bit.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I had to look up who Ms. Rachel is (I don't have toddlers). Seems she mostly just dresses like a fairly normal person, albeit a little out of style? Overalls and t-shirts?

I'm not sure why that would make her a target. Perhaps I'm missing something, but I would let my kid dress however they want. If there are social consequences they will learn. You say she's not ND, which would change my response.

Pink shirt, overalls and a pink headband are her staple look.

It will most likely make her a target as past fashion choices have…

I do think I need to just let her naturally learn those lessons (whether justified or not).

That's the point--pink t shirt and overalls may be her staple look, but I have a hard time believing that kids pay so much attention to what others wear that they're immediately going to think about that. It's not as if she's dressing up like Ronald McDonald or Wonder Woman.

Middle schoolers think A LOT about what others wear. It's top 5 in topics they think and talk about. Of course they are going to notice and likely unkindly discuss this girls pink shirt and overalls.

I would tell my child irs a fashion choice that her peers likely wont understand. I wouldn't force her to change but I would prepare her for judgment.

Yes, but it’s far worse today: any sort of clothing which is out of the ordinary will be photographed, then shared all over the school by social media within minutes. And mocked.

Middle schoolers live under a microscope today. Any and everything they wear or do is recorded, posted to social, and subject to ridicule.

They use phones at lunch and to/from school. There is no escape.

This is scare-mongering. I've had two middle schoolers in recent years and I've volunteered at their two, different, public middle schools. No one ever comments on other kids' clothing, instances of bullying are promptly addressed, and really, clothing is NOT a big deal.

Yes, kids can be nasty at that age. But there's also a lot of emphasis in schools on preventing bullying.