I have a bunch of thoughts. First of all, I can almost guarantee you that she's getting picked on at school. A kid who already isn't happy or socially comfortable + being a bigger size is going to be in a tough place during the middle school years. And girls can be vicious.

Definitely restrict her time on the computer or a phone if she has one.

I love the idea of her starting art classes. Artsy kids often form their own tribe and aren't so stuck to the typical social mold.

And even though you said her conditioning isn't good -- is she happy enough to go to basketball? I'd praise the heck out of her ... not falsely, but notice everything good that happens and give her positive reinforcement. If she's taller than a lot of kids, is she grabbing rebounds? Is she putting in good effort? Praise whatever you can and let her know that you're proud of her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still don’t get it. We’re all supposed to keep processed foods, unlimited pastas and breads, and juices or sodas available at all times? To not offend overweight or obese growing children or have them temper tantrum against vegetables or healthy meals?

Literally no one is saying that. No one. But making a bagel a forbidden food that a kid has to sneak and forbidding a kid who likes baking from baking is not helping the kid have a healthy relationship with food.

It sounds like nothing was forbidden and the kid would over eat a week’s supply of bagels or muffins in one or two days.
That’s a different issue than what you’re claiming; that a controlling parent starving their kid is at fault for the kid overeating.
Now the kid is unhappy she’s fat. What do you do? You help her make an exercise and eat healthy plan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the elimination of carbs/sweets from the house, the shame you’ve associated with eating, and the fact that she sneaks “bad” foods when she can… she’s at high risk for developing bulimia. Ask me how I know.

Not really, unless they read about it online as a “solution.” Here it isnt about image as much as no self control.

Many adhd or asd kids overeat or impulse eat addictive foods like sweets or junk food if they’re in the house.
Glp-1 for adults is literally for untreated ADHD food noise or diabetes.

Wha are you talking about? OP says her DD “hates her fat body.” Feeling out of control in a household where mom is deeply controlling and critical around body/eating issues is fertile ground for an eating disorder, whether ADHD is present or not.

Seems like the out of control was not being able to stop herself from eating a whole dinner of snacks or bread before dinner when the parents got home from work. Which technically works since simple carbs digest quickly and leave you hungry again sooner. Racking up the empty calories. Protein and fiber are the opposite.

PP here and this is literally the story of my tween years. I was also just a little bit overweight with a critical, perfectionist mom who thought dieting was the answer. I would try to “be good” and eat healthy or restrict calories for a while, but a growing body wants what it wants, and the overcorrection was fierce. It took me over a decade to undo the damage to myself, and my relationship with my mom has never really recovered.

My spouse had the opposite. He was obese age 12-18 until he moved out for college and had positive peer influences in athlete roommates.

He went from overeating at dinners and eating daily cookies and pies his father brought home from work each day TO working out for the first time ever many times a week and eating only meals. His parents dont know why or how.

That said, since then his weight yo yos around thus he has opted to be on GLP-1s indefinitely.
Maybe some people need a lot of helpful handholding or influences if certain foods are a vice.

So his parents never tried to cut out the daily desserts or add active lifestyle things, he had to do that intrinsically later on in life. And when he wouldn’t he went on meds. Interesting.

Anonymous wrote:I still don’t get it. We’re all supposed to keep processed foods, unlimited pastas and breads, and juices or sodas available at all times? To not offend overweight or obese growing children or have them temper tantrum against vegetables or healthy meals?

Literally no one is saying that. No one. But making a bagel a forbidden food that a kid has to sneak and forbidding a kid who likes baking from baking is not helping the kid have a healthy relationship with food.

Anonymous wrote:Why does she have to sneak a bagel?? And no one in the house can have bread now? That’s nuts and not healthy. Let her bake. Help her find healthier or higher protein recipes (eg, banana oat muffins vs chocolate). After they cool, half go in the freezer for some other time. The family (including your daughter) eats the rest over the next couple of days.

Engage in active family activities on the weekends, such as hiking, biking, ice skating, etc.

Why do alcoholics sneak their bourbon?
Why are households with alcoholics dry?
Does putting the whisky in the freezer do the trick?

I still don’t get it. We’re all supposed to keep processed foods, unlimited pastas and breads, and juices or sodas available at all times? To not offend overweight or obese growing children or have them temper tantrum against vegetables or healthy meals?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My read is that the kid laments her "fat body" and OP focuses on losing weight, which reinforces her feeling that she is, in fact, fat and ugly. And OP restricts carbs, won't let her bake, and frames eating a bagel after school as "sneaking." I think that's totally the wrong approach, especially for a kid entering puberty. Find some non-sport activities that she's interested in. Art is great. My 12yo loved tap dance. Go hiking as a family and get some fresh air. If she likes baking, have her make healthier snacks, and have her help plan and cook meals that she likes. Cutting down on screen time is good, but otherwise, you need to reframe your approach here.

Lol, tell us you never parented a neuroatypical kid without telling us you never parented a neurotypical kid.

Op, get the testing updated on her and get professional help with the Dx and Rx.
Right now you are sandwiched between a husband and tween with the same symptoms. Find a support group as well.

DP. Oh, please. None of the bolded is contraindicated by “mild ADHD.”

Given that my tween has moderate ADHD and anxiety, and likes all of those things (art, tap, and helping cook meals), they certainly are not contraindicated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the elimination of carbs/sweets from the house, the shame you’ve associated with eating, and the fact that she sneaks “bad” foods when she can… she’s at high risk for developing bulimia. Ask me how I know.

Not really, unless they read about it online as a “solution.” Here it isnt about image as much as no self control.

Many adhd or asd kids overeat or impulse eat addictive foods like sweets or junk food if they’re in the house.
Glp-1 for adults is literally for untreated ADHD food noise or diabetes.

Wha are you talking about? OP says her DD “hates her fat body.” Feeling out of control in a household where mom is deeply controlling and critical around body/eating issues is fertile ground for an eating disorder, whether ADHD is present or not.

Seems like the out of control was not being able to stop herself from eating a whole dinner of snacks or bread before dinner when the parents got home from work. Which technically works since simple carbs digest quickly and leave you hungry again sooner. Racking up the empty calories. Protein and fiber are the opposite.

PP here and this is literally the story of my tween years. I was also just a little bit overweight with a critical, perfectionist mom who thought dieting was the answer. I would try to “be good” and eat healthy or restrict calories for a while, but a growing body wants what it wants, and the overcorrection was fierce. It took me over a decade to undo the damage to myself, and my relationship with my mom has never really recovered.

Most people and kids are chronically overweight due to sugar and salt addictions, not a growing body’s needs. That’s acute.

Are you saying PP that once you grew more in height you simply were not overweight? Yes, that is common, but equally common is people with no restraint who always eat too much and too much of the unhealthy, not nutritious foods.

So maybe we’re in agreement.

Maybe we are, I’m not sure. I’m saying that the dietary part is only one aspect of a few complex layers when you’re talking about an adolescent girl with a controlling, critical mother. I did not get a handle on my weight and eating problems until I moved away from home and didn’t feel like I was being monitored and scrutinized.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the elimination of carbs/sweets from the house, the shame you’ve associated with eating, and the fact that she sneaks “bad” foods when she can… she’s at high risk for developing bulimia. Ask me how I know.

Not really, unless they read about it online as a “solution.” Here it isnt about image as much as no self control.

Many adhd or asd kids overeat or impulse eat addictive foods like sweets or junk food if they’re in the house.
Glp-1 for adults is literally for untreated ADHD food noise or diabetes.

Wha are you talking about? OP says her DD “hates her fat body.” Feeling out of control in a household where mom is deeply controlling and critical around body/eating issues is fertile ground for an eating disorder, whether ADHD is present or not.

Seems like the out of control was not being able to stop herself from eating a whole dinner of snacks or bread before dinner when the parents got home from work. Which technically works since simple carbs digest quickly and leave you hungry again sooner. Racking up the empty calories. Protein and fiber are the opposite.

PP here and this is literally the story of my tween years. I was also just a little bit overweight with a critical, perfectionist mom who thought dieting was the answer. I would try to “be good” and eat healthy or restrict calories for a while, but a growing body wants what it wants, and the overcorrection was fierce. It took me over a decade to undo the damage to myself, and my relationship with my mom has never really recovered.

Most people and kids are chronically overweight due to sugar and salt addictions, not a growing body’s needs. That’s acute.

Are you saying PP that once you grew more in height you simply were not overweight? Yes, that is common, but equally common is people with no restraint who always eat too much and too much of the unhealthy, not nutritious foods.

So maybe we’re in agreement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the elimination of carbs/sweets from the house, the shame you’ve associated with eating, and the fact that she sneaks “bad” foods when she can… she’s at high risk for developing bulimia. Ask me how I know.

Not really, unless they read about it online as a “solution.” Here it isnt about image as much as no self control.

Many adhd or asd kids overeat or impulse eat addictive foods like sweets or junk food if they’re in the house.
Glp-1 for adults is literally for untreated ADHD food noise or diabetes.

Wha are you talking about? OP says her DD “hates her fat body.” Feeling out of control in a household where mom is deeply controlling and critical around body/eating issues is fertile ground for an eating disorder, whether ADHD is present or not.

Seems like the out of control was not being able to stop herself from eating a whole dinner of snacks or bread before dinner when the parents got home from work. Which technically works since simple carbs digest quickly and leave you hungry again sooner. Racking up the empty calories. Protein and fiber are the opposite.

PP here and this is literally the story of my tween years. I was also just a little bit overweight with a critical, perfectionist mom who thought dieting was the answer. I would try to “be good” and eat healthy or restrict calories for a while, but a growing body wants what it wants, and the overcorrection was fierce. It took me over a decade to undo the damage to myself, and my relationship with my mom has never really recovered.

My spouse had the opposite. He was obese age 12-18 until he moved out for college and had positive peer influences in athlete roommates.

He went from overeating at dinners and eating daily cookies and pies his father brought home from work each day TO working out for the first time ever many times a week and eating only meals. His parents dont know why or how.

That said, since then his weight yo yos around thus he has opted to be on GLP-1s indefinitely.
Maybe some people need a lot of helpful handholding or influences if certain foods are a vice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the elimination of carbs/sweets from the house, the shame you’ve associated with eating, and the fact that she sneaks “bad” foods when she can… she’s at high risk for developing bulimia. Ask me how I know.

Not really, unless they read about it online as a “solution.” Here it isnt about image as much as no self control.

Many adhd or asd kids overeat or impulse eat addictive foods like sweets or junk food if they’re in the house.
Glp-1 for adults is literally for untreated ADHD food noise or diabetes.

Wha are you talking about? OP says her DD “hates her fat body.” Feeling out of control in a household where mom is deeply controlling and critical around body/eating issues is fertile ground for an eating disorder, whether ADHD is present or not.

Seems like the out of control was not being able to stop herself from eating a whole dinner of snacks or bread before dinner when the parents got home from work. Which technically works since simple carbs digest quickly and leave you hungry again sooner. Racking up the empty calories. Protein and fiber are the opposite.

PP here and this is literally the story of my tween years. I was also just a little bit overweight with a critical, perfectionist mom who thought dieting was the answer. I would try to “be good” and eat healthy or restrict calories for a while, but a growing body wants what it wants, and the overcorrection was fierce. It took me over a decade to undo the damage to myself, and my relationship with my mom has never really recovered.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the elimination of carbs/sweets from the house, the shame you’ve associated with eating, and the fact that she sneaks “bad” foods when she can… she’s at high risk for developing bulimia. Ask me how I know.

Not really, unless they read about it online as a “solution.” Here it isnt about image as much as no self control.

Many adhd or asd kids overeat or impulse eat addictive foods like sweets or junk food if they’re in the house.
Glp-1 for adults is literally for untreated ADHD food noise or diabetes.

Wha are you talking about? OP says her DD “hates her fat body.” Feeling out of control in a household where mom is deeply controlling and critical around body/eating issues is fertile ground for an eating disorder, whether ADHD is present or not.

Seems like the out of control was not being able to stop herself from eating a whole dinner of snacks or bread before dinner when the parents got home from work. Which technically works since simple carbs digest quickly and leave you hungry again sooner. Racking up the empty calories. Protein and fiber are the opposite.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My read is that the kid laments her "fat body" and OP focuses on losing weight, which reinforces her feeling that she is, in fact, fat and ugly. And OP restricts carbs, won't let her bake, and frames eating a bagel after school as "sneaking." I think that's totally the wrong approach, especially for a kid entering puberty. Find some non-sport activities that she's interested in. Art is great. My 12yo loved tap dance. Go hiking as a family and get some fresh air. If she likes baking, have her make healthier snacks, and have her help plan and cook meals that she likes. Cutting down on screen time is good, but otherwise, you need to reframe your approach here.

Lol, tell us you never parented a neuroatypical kid without telling us you never parented a neurotypical kid.

Op, get the testing updated on her and get professional help with the Dx and Rx.
Right now you are sandwiched between a husband and tween with the same symptoms. Find a support group as well.

+1. Defiant disorder is no joke either.

Sounds like the daughter wants to make a change to get her BMI down to the healthy range. And cutting carbs and desserts plus more activity is a healthy way to do that.

Monitor the excessive moodiness.

Why does she have to sneak a bagel?? And no one in the house can have bread now? That’s nuts and not healthy. Let her bake. Help her find healthier or higher protein recipes (eg, banana oat muffins vs chocolate). After they cool, half go in the freezer for some other time. The family (including your daughter) eats the rest over the next couple of days.

Engage in active family activities on the weekends, such as hiking, biking, ice skating, etc.