You already asked your sister and she gave you a wishy washy answer, that is essentially a no. If she wanted your kids there, there wouldn’t be any question.

I don’t understand the people telling you to reach out again. It seems pretty clear to me. Sure, you can confirm that you’re coming out alone, and then gauge her response. But pleading your case is not going to go over well. Just know that.

You can make whatever decision you want based on that.

Why are people so weird about communicating with siblings. “Sis, I need to know if the kids are invited or not since I have to plan international travel. If I don’t know for sure they are coming by x date, I will just come alone. And if mom and dad are pissed I don’t bring the kids, I’m pointing them your way.” And then you both roll your eyes about what a pain in the butt your parents are.

What generation is this? Millenial or Gen Z?

Anonymous wrote:
OP here- thanks all. I'm going to press her on this, just needed a gut check but glad I'm not the only one that finds the whole thing a bit odd! FWIW if this was a cousin or friend I would 100% just go by myself, or if it was summer or coinciding with a school holiday I'd just bring the kids on the trip anyway. But if they're not invited I'd rather bring them at a time where we could stay longer. And it’s not just my mom, my kids would definitely be bummed if their cousins did ultimately attend their aunt's wedding, they already feel a bit left out being far from family. So I'd probably end up coughing up the extra cost in airfare, it just seems ridiculous to have to wait. Sis hasn't even sent the save the dates yet. DH seems to think she didn't expect us all to travel so didn't plan for more than me in the headcount.

What a brat!

Anonymous wrote:
OP here- thanks all. I'm going to press her on this, just needed a gut check but glad I'm not the only one that finds the whole thing a bit odd! FWIW if this was a cousin or friend I would 100% just go by myself, or if it was summer or coinciding with a school holiday I'd just bring the kids on the trip anyway. But if they're not invited I'd rather bring them at a time where we could stay longer. And it’s not just my mom, my kids would definitely be bummed if their cousins did ultimately attend their aunt's wedding, they already feel a bit left out being far from family. So I'd probably end up coughing up the extra cost in airfare, it just seems ridiculous to have to wait. Sis hasn't even sent the save the dates yet. DH seems to think she didn't expect us all to travel so didn't plan for more than me in the headcount.

Ugh! That's not great. Hopefully that's not the case

OP here- thanks all. I'm going to press her on this, just needed a gut check but glad I'm not the only one that finds the whole thing a bit odd! FWIW if this was a cousin or friend I would 100% just go by myself, or if it was summer or coinciding with a school holiday I'd just bring the kids on the trip anyway. But if they're not invited I'd rather bring them at a time where we could stay longer. And it’s not just my mom, my kids would definitely be bummed if their cousins did ultimately attend their aunt's wedding, they already feel a bit left out being far from family. So I'd probably end up coughing up the extra cost in airfare, it just seems ridiculous to have to wait. Sis hasn't even sent the save the dates yet. DH seems to think she didn't expect us all to travel so didn't plan for more than me in the headcount.

Anonymous wrote:This is your sister, absolutely reasonable to talk to her.

"Sis, I know you want to wait to gauge numbers for your B list, but I need to know so I can book flights to attend. Please let me know if Janey and Joey are invited and I will book accordingly."

I wouldn't even give a deadline. It's absurd to send save the dates and not have a clear idea on if the people who RECEIVED SAVE THE DATES are invited. What a bullshit way of planning a wedding.

I think this is a great way to phrase it
My guess is there is an A list and B list and that only the A list receives the save the dates. I've never been asked to RSVP for a save the date though and I'm guessing most guests haven't either.

Just book your own flight now and only bring the others if the kids end up being invited and the later-booked fares are to your liking.

Anonymous wrote:I would just get tickets and bring the kids. Tell your sister your mother insisted that they come.

Don't do this.

Anonymous wrote:I'm all about no kids weddings, but nieces and nephews should be automatic invites. That's really strange, especially since there's only 4. Wouldn't they be ring bearers and flower girls? It's one thing to not invite cousin's children or your friends' children because you likely don't know them well, but you have a real relationship with your nieces and nephews. My kids would be really upset to not be invited to their aunt's wedding, even my son. We have small families though, so it's not like there's 25 nieces and nephews being invited.

If I were you, I'd book the plane tickets. Couldn't you leave them with your siblings' kids if they really aren't invited to the wedding?

A lot of people don't go in for all this hoopla.

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to explain the expense side and she needs to decide. Give her a date that you must know if they are invited or not. If she can’t decide, then you can tell her you will not be bringing them and your mother will have to get over it.

Or, mom can pay for last-minute flights for OP's kids if they end up being invited.

Anonymous wrote: Casually when discussing the wedding with your mom, bring up that the kids aren't invited so it will just be you coming.

My guess is that your mom will go after your sister and get to the bottom of whether the nieces and nephews are invited or not.

This.

Casually when discussing the wedding with your mom, bring up that the kids aren't invited so it will just be you coming.

My guess is that your mom will go after your sister and get to the bottom of whether the nieces and nephews are invited or not.

Anonymous wrote:Plan to go by yourself. Your mother will get over it.

Yeah, mom shouldn't be a consideration in this decision.

This is your sister, absolutely reasonable to talk to her.

"Sis, I know you want to wait to gauge numbers for your B list, but I need to know so I can book flights to attend. Please let me know if Janey and Joey are invited and I will book accordingly."

I wouldn't even give a deadline. It's absurd to send save the dates and not have a clear idea on if the people who RECEIVED SAVE THE DATES are invited. What a bullshit way of planning a wedding.