Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This child has been in your life since he was FIVE and he’s still your “step kid.” For the purposes of this thread, you could have said adult son.

OP here. I'm not sure if you have step kids:.. but it's never actually the same. You just never get the same "authority" even if you feel the same feelings. He has two parents who, frankly ,don't get along and add a lot of stress to his life. He went through some really rough years and came out the other side triumphant. He doesn't need me as a third parent. I just try to be a positive presence in his life.

It sounds like he does need you to teach him good house manners though. Which you are in a position to do.

You have to make him move the car every time. If he's blocking you, he moves it, whether you're going out or not. Make it annoying so he gets out of the habit. Discuss this with him upfront.

Same with dishes. Set expectations upfront, explain the guest and family member distinction. Enlist your kids to feel free to remind him he has to do dishes just like they do.

Anonymous wrote:How has he lived the last 5 years- was it on campus? He needs to get his own place. If you paid for college, maybe you can help him get set up in a cheap apartment- if it is an unpaid internship- provide as you would when he was in college or have him get a part time job. He should be keeping busy and out of your hair. You already know he expects to be catered too and doesn’t listen- plus your DH is no help. He needs to use this time to get himself established outside of your home.

He had a position within the college (undergrad TA) that provided housing and a generous stipend. We paid tuition and he also had a job. Dude /hustles/
I'm sure staying with us is a financial decision on his part as his internship doesn't pay a ton. He could live on it, but it would be lean with no savings. He currently saves a huge amount.

Anonymous wrote:This child has been in your life since he was FIVE and he’s still your “step kid.” For the purposes of this thread, you could have said adult son.

NP. This prior post is obviously written by someone not in a blended family situation. It's delicate. Calling a stepchild your CHILD may disrupt their need to be loyal to their biological mother. These words can have a lot of meaning.

How has he lived the last 5 years- was it on campus? He needs to get his own place. If you paid for college, maybe you can help him get set up in a cheap apartment- if it is an unpaid internship- provide as you would when he was in college or have him get a part time job. He should be keeping busy and out of your hair. You already know he expects to be catered too and doesn’t listen- plus your DH is no help. He needs to use this time to get himself established outside of your home.

Anonymous wrote:I am not understanding your schedule at all. Are you the first one out in the morning? If so, before bed, you should have access to get out. If his car is in the way, make him move it, even if you have to move it. My only other solution is to park your car at the end of the driveway so no one can get in (this is only when your requests have been ignored). As for the dishes, you can alert him to pickup his dishes and put in the dishwasher. If/when he ignores your request, all food stays in the kitchen. As for laundry, that's his job. As for paying for food, do you and your spouse currently help him out with essentials while he is in school,?

My schedule is insanely random. Sometimes I'm out at 6am. Sometimes I have to leave at 2pm. I might be gone for 8 hours or 36. And that doesn't count random emergencies. So that's why I want the space totally clear.

Anonymous wrote:This child has been in your life since he was FIVE and he’s still your “step kid.” For the purposes of this thread, you could have said adult son.

OP here. I'm not sure if you have step kids:.. but it's never actually the same. You just never get the same "authority" even if you feel the same feelings. He has two parents who, frankly ,don't get along and add a lot of stress to his life. He went through some really rough years and came out the other side triumphant. He doesn't need me as a third parent. I just try to be a positive presence in his life.

You are really nice for treating him like a guest. No wonder he wants to move back.

This is your husband's fault and you need to make it his problem. It's gross how you are merrily laughing off your husband's flaws and failures. Why on earth did you marry and have children with this weak, lazy, and selfish man?

Two of my kids moved back in. We have set rules right in the beginning for things that could be conflict points and that's highly effective in keeping a peaceful household. They are as follows:

everyone has assigned parking and you cannot use another's space (we definitely have the same issue as OP if we don't enforce this, though this did come up in HS when they all started getting their own cars, so it's pretty established)

everyone has to participate in dog care which is coordinated by us - we know everyone's schedules, so we let everyone know when they are on feeding and walking duty and when they are totally responsible because we'll be out of town (a huge benefits of older kids living at home)

you can eat with us or cook for yourself. We don't cook for you except in extenuating circumstances

you can eat food we buy but we don't ask for their grocery lists. we do keep on hand things we know they use, like coffee creamer and certain veges

everyone does their own laundry but once you start, you can't leave it sitting (that's been a rule since middle school)

we have a house cleaner who will clean rooms if the doors are open. bathroom door must be open on house cleaner day

we don't pay for anything except the groceries we buy and things like laundry detergent and soap and shampoo

everyone has to do their share of the household responsibilities - one is assigned to trash, another to the dishwasher, yard work is shared with duties and schedules specified by us, one takes care of things like oil changes on all of our vehicles, etc.

if you use common space in the house, you have to clean it up and get it back to the way you found it

Anonymous wrote:He’s 25. Just tell him david, I’m thrilled to have you back. I’m on call and need access to my car at all hours. Please park in the street. Ask him for his schedule so you know if you’ll need to include him in cooking. I would make sure it’s clear that all dishes need to be brought to the kitchen and out in the dishwasher. If it’s full, unload it. If the trash is full; take it out. Hopefully same rules with bio kids.

This.

I am not understanding your schedule at all. Are you the first one out in the morning? If so, before bed, you should have access to get out. If his car is in the way, make him move it, even if you have to move it. My only other solution is to park your car at the end of the driveway so no one can get in (this is only when your requests have been ignored). As for the dishes, you can alert him to pickup his dishes and put in the dishwasher. If/when he ignores your request, all food stays in the kitchen. As for laundry, that's his job. As for paying for food, do you and your spouse currently help him out with essentials while he is in school,?

This child has been in your life since he was FIVE and he’s still your “step kid.” For the purposes of this thread, you could have said adult son.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would rent him a studio for a year.

Easy solution.

If you have unlimited funds

OP again. We actually did this his last year of college. He moved from private school to public community college to public four year, so we could use his 529 to really fund a garage apartment. It was a great step for him at the time and an acknowledgement of what a turnaround he accomplished in his life.

We actually offered this time as well, but he requested the cash instead. He doesn't lack for nerve!

Finances, actually are something my husband and I are on the same page about and just not a stressor like the household stuff, so we laughed it off and said living in our house was the financial support! He's earning a modest salary during the year and he can save 80% of it!

Why are you doing anyone’s laundry other than your own?? My kids have done their own laundry since they turned 10.

You absolutely need to make expectations clear and in writing. And this is for everyone in the household, not just the stepson. Just say we need more organization with more bodies in the house.

Make a chart with days of the week and a column of names. Kid A does laundry on Fridays and empties dishwasher Tues and Thurs. Kid B does laundry Saturdays and empties dishwasher Sunday and Wednesday. Step son does laundry Sunday and empties dishwasher Monday and Friday. Parents do their laundry during the week and are in charge of cooking and trash (or whatever)

The point is that you can’t and shouldn’t shoulder the burden and making it very clear by writing it all down will help take the negotiation out of it all.