Do you have nieces or nephews? Focus on expanding your love to others. Of course no love is like that for your child, but you can still have deep connections with other people you care for. I have had many people support and mentor me throughout my life and it truly is so special. I hope I can grow individual, meaningful relationships with my nieces, friends’ children, etc.

Its kind of awesome that you are almost finished raising children! More money and time are coming your way! And you can save or spend it all on your only child. Plan vacations. Think about how you can really enjoy your time with your family. Be grateful.

It's because your only is leaving - that's totally normal to not be ok.

Let's be real for a moment. I was a single Mom at 24. I didn't marry someone else until 31. I then had 6x miscarriages. Of my single Mom friends 0 remarried that were 6-10 years older than me.

So, in your potential other paths you have single for life or tons of miscarriages or maybe another kid and navigating co-parenting 50/50 custody. The other options really aren't what you think they are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with those who constructively say that you are longing to help children grow and to nurture them.

I think it would help you to do some more people-centric volunteering. Something based on your skills etc. as a mom and perhaps as a professional. There are a variety of possibilities.

I had 2 boys. I am basically fine with that. But I really wanted to help a little girl with all the pitfalls of being female that I faced. I hope I get daughter-in-laws and that they like me. I'm not counting on it but that is my hope for filling the small gap where a daughter might have been. I came from a matriarchy with a large cohort of girl cousins so I miss how my young life was a little bit.

I can also say my younger kid is less sweet and does stress my husband out. If birth order was reversed, perhaps he would have been my only.

I think far more women have pangs of regret regarding the fact that they did not have a daughter. Having a daughter is a much different experience when it comes to mothering than having only boys. I think this regret is far more common than not having enough kids.

I have 2 boys, no regrets here. Yes, it might have been nice to have “one of each.” But honestly having boys at this point seems like being on easy mode. My younger boy has autism and is very quiet. And he just gets to be an autistic kid. The other boys don’t care too much at all because he runs around with everyone at recess and PE and can talk about Legos and Minecraft. And my older boy is a good student, good influence at school, hard worker, and plays his instrument plus 2 other instruments that he mostly is self-taught on because he just really likes music. And he is gassed up INCESSANTLY by the teachers at his school and even other parents for behavior that is just “regular” for girls. He’s like a super star, it’s insane. I did all that stuff and more as a middle schooler and no one gave a F because people have always expected girls to be 110% perfect. I don’t have to manage their social lives or make friends with the “right” moms to encourage the “right” friendships. I don’t have to buy the “right” clothes other than just whatever Nike/Adidas/etc. that I can get at TJ Maxx half the time. It’s really quite remarkable vs. my own lived experience as a girl/young woman/adult.

I fully intend to be not an insane MIL if my kids ever get married or have kids. I was very close to both sets of grandparents growing up. My extended family on my mom’s side was indeed more close-knit, but that was more just personalities and people living closer.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with those who constructively say that you are longing to help children grow and to nurture them.

I think it would help you to do some more people-centric volunteering. Something based on your skills etc. as a mom and perhaps as a professional. There are a variety of possibilities.

I had 2 boys. I am basically fine with that. But I really wanted to help a little girl with all the pitfalls of being female that I faced. I hope I get daughter-in-laws and that they like me. I'm not counting on it but that is my hope for filling the small gap where a daughter might have been. I came from a matriarchy with a large cohort of girl cousins so I miss how my young life was a little bit.

I can also say my younger kid is less sweet and does stress my husband out. If birth order was reversed, perhaps he would have been my only.

I think far more women have pangs of regret regarding the fact that they did not have a daughter. Having a daughter is a much different experience when it comes to mothering than having only boys. I think this regret is far more common than not having enough kids.

I have an only because that was my husband’s choice. I would have liked to have two.

Sure, I’m sad about it. Sometimes really sad! But my feeling is that if I can’t be happy overall with my one wonderful child and my spouse whom I love, and who came by all this honestly and openly, then I surely couldn’t be happy if only we had two.

To quote a wise philosopher, it’s not having what you want. It’s wanting what you’ve got.

OP wanted a bigger family and wasn’t able to have one. While we can say that a bigger family might not be all it’s cracked up to be, it doesn’t negate the fact that she wanted more children. Many of us get that. Now her only is leaving and it’s bringing all that back into focus.

OP, the PP’s are right. Ultimately the last one will leave. You have the task of reinventing yourself. You can do it.

I agree with those who constructively say that you are longing to help children grow and to nurture them.

I think it would help you to do some more people-centric volunteering. Something based on your skills etc. as a mom and perhaps as a professional. There are a variety of possibilities.

I had 2 boys. I am basically fine with that. But I really wanted to help a little girl with all the pitfalls of being female that I faced. I hope I get daughter-in-laws and that they like me. I'm not counting on it but that is my hope for filling the small gap where a daughter might have been. I came from a matriarchy with a large cohort of girl cousins so I miss how my young life was a little bit.

I can also say my younger kid is less sweet and does stress my husband out. If birth order was reversed, perhaps he would have been my only.

I’m sorry,OP. We are firmly one and done from the beginning and now our only kid is a senior and will be leaving in a few months, and we’re incredibly sad about it. Having another kid would not change that reality, though.

Practice gratitude. You have a healthy child that will be able to live independently. That is something to celebrate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD's classmate just passed away at 15. An only child. Perspective, OP.

I have an only child and think about how our close relationship would not be what it is if we'd had another.

Appreciating what you have might help you get through your resentment. I mean that kindly.

Look on the bright side is just sh!t advice. We all have to live in the box we're in.

Hugs, OP, I am sorry you are going through this. Would you consider therapy? It's not that there's something wrong with you, but a therapist might be able to help you work through some of the feelings and figure out what you want. I wouldn't jump to it, but if you feel open to it, and DH is on board, you could consider adopting an older child. Let yourself grieve and be intentional about what comes next. You don't have to just suffer and pretend it's fine or that you don't have the right to your feelings.

Neglecting the child you do have for the fantasy of another is definitely wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of people with many children are sad and resentful. It doesn’t solve the core issue.

+1

Also, plenty of people resent a younger sibling and/or the way they were treated because of him/her. You are/were a much better mother to your only than you would’ve been otherwise.

I'm an only child and I'm far happier and successful than most of the multi-sib families around me. But we grew up poor, so prioritizing one kid money wise was the way to go.

Anonymous wrote:DD's classmate just passed away at 15. An only child. Perspective, OP.

I have an only child and think about how our close relationship would not be what it is if we'd had another.

Appreciating what you have might help you get through your resentment. I mean that kindly.

Look on the bright side is just sh!t advice. We all have to live in the box we're in.

Hugs, OP, I am sorry you are going through this. Would you consider therapy? It's not that there's something wrong with you, but a therapist might be able to help you work through some of the feelings and figure out what you want. I wouldn't jump to it, but if you feel open to it, and DH is on board, you could consider adopting an older child. Let yourself grieve and be intentional about what comes next. You don't have to just suffer and pretend it's fine or that you don't have the right to your feelings.

DD's classmate just passed away at 15. An only child. Perspective, OP.

I have an only child and think about how our close relationship would not be what it is if we'd had another.

Appreciating what you have might help you get through your resentment. I mean that kindly.

I'm one of three and we are not close. My brother has completely gone no-contact with everyone in our extended family; severe mental illness.

We have two and its really overwhelming for me. I would've done much better with only one kid. Our first (COVID baby) has a lot of struggles at school and with emotional regulation. Our second is much easier to handle, but the two of them interacting together is just chaos in our home.

Whatever you think you'd have with three kids, it probably would've turned out the opposite. Get into therapy and love the life you have.