Anonymous wrote:You really need to name the sport because it matters. I am guessing soccer if they started in pre-K and K.

There are often two dynamics when a dad is a coach.

1)The kid isn't that good but gets more playing time and in better positions so other kids and parents see this and a few of them gripe about it.

2) When the son is really good the dad/coach plays him in important positions and he gets more playing time which the son deserves but there are still parents who grumble about it. To make their own kids feel better they start talking at home how the coach's son is only good because he gets more playing time/plays a better position/some other excuse. Then the kid goes to school and makes a snide comment toward your son saying you only scored a goal (or goals) because your dad is a coach and he puts you in better positions.

The other issue is this is a rec league and maybe your son wants to just goof off with his friends but feels compelled to take it seriously because his dad is his coach. Or it could be your husband actually does put more pressure on your son but you aren't around to see it and your husband may not even realize it.

You really are wrong that no one will step up to coach. Have your husband take off a season and see what happens.

Anonymous wrote:So to recap: your husband was excited and really wanted to be a scout leader but you have never pressured your son, and he must definitely like it despite crying before every meeting.

You decide your son is jealous of your husband and purposely trying to make him feel bad and that is why he is crying regularly.

But you are all very kind to your son. Ok.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to name the sport because it matters. I am guessing soccer if they started in pre-K and K.

There are often two dynamics when a dad is a coach.

1)The kid isn't that good but gets more playing time and in better positions so other kids and parents see this and a few of them gripe about it.

2) When the son is really good the dad/coach plays him in important positions and he gets more playing time which the son deserves but there are still parents who grumble about it. To make their own kids feel better they start talking at home how the coach's son is only good because he gets more playing time/plays a better position/some other excuse. Then the kid goes to school and makes a snide comment toward your son saying you only scored a goal (or goals) because your dad is a coach and he puts you in better positions.

The other issue is this is a rec league and maybe your son wants to just goof off with his friends but feels compelled to take it seriously because his dad is his coach. Or it could be your husband actually does put more pressure on your son but you aren't around to see it and your husband may not even realize it.

You really are wrong that no one will step up to coach. Have your husband take off a season and see what happens.

OP here. The sport dh has coached 10 seasons of is soccer, but he's also coached softball with similar issues. Scouts is definitely more of a problem. All the other kids have paid their dues and dh can't just quit. There isn't anyone else who would step up. DH has tried to get an assistant leader. My brother comes sometimes to help DS with the activities (like if they're programming something) while DH is being the leader and that does help.

I've sat with DS when he's sobbing and even later and asked him what's wrong. He'll just say he doesn't like it. But when I ask about specific parts, he'll say he likes those. It feels like he's trying to make DH feel bad about something DH liked and was trying to do for DS. At the beginning of every year, we ask him if he wants to play and he says he wants to. We definitely aren't forcing him into something he doesn't want to do. And then sobs later...

The way you talk about your son is so sad. He is not doing this to make your husband feel bad. He feels upset and doesn’t know how to handle the expectations your family has set up for him. It’s clear just from these comments that your husband REALLY wants this and even if you “ask” your son ok to keep doing this he’s obviously going to feel a lot of pressure to do what his dad wants. He’s being used to make his dad’s wants come to life. Does he even like soccer? My son plays soccer and he’s crazy about it. Wears a jersey all the time, plays at recess, has favorite players etc. most of his soccer player friends are the same. If your kid is not doing that let him try something else. If he is, let him try a different coach and make your husband stay out of it.

I guess you have to get through the year for scouts but insist on a parent helper for each meeting and try and let your son go with them. And make sure you find time to praise him when appropriate and maybe give him a small leadership role for some meetings. I feel SO bad for your son. I can’t believe you can’t see the position you are putting him in.

OP here. DS loves soccer and is very good at it. We ask him what he wants to do and he chooses soccer. He didn't choose softball or basketball, so we didn't enroll him anymore. He also does swimming that DH does not coach.

DH cannot get a helper for scouts. He's tried. Coaching and being a scout leader isn't DH's favorite thing, but he did step up when it was clear that there wouldn't be a den otherwise. DH tried to not coach soccer last fall, but DS didn't make a team due to lack of coaches, so DH had to coach again in order for him and all the other boys to play (rec soccer has done this a few times to DH, including once putting DS on a team in a neighboring city instead of close by).

Dad isn't living vicariously through DS. lol. DH already played all these sports himself and was an eagle scout. We are very kind to DS, so his sobbing is just a bit over the top and confusing to us.

Strangely enough, last night he had a sobbing tantrum over being enrolled in any summer camps (dh is not involved in any of that). When we probed a bit, his dream is to play minecraft all summer long while eating snacks at the grandparent's house. He has plenty of downtime, but maybe the issue is his chrome book usage? And I was just thinking it was something between DH and DS

You know we can still read your OP where you wrote :
Dh is also the Cub Scout leader. This was something Dh always wanted to do and is very excited about.

You are NOT very kind to your son if he’s been crying before every practice for 5 years and you keep going and just assume he’s jealous of your husband.

My son is the same age and also plays soccer. You absolutely can find SOME team with a coach that your son can play on. It might be a little more expensive or a little less convenient but there is a lot of youth soccer out there for good, not exceptional players.

Anonymous wrote:And if the den dies, well honestly that just tells you how much they actually cared about it. Scouts is not a life requirement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to name the sport because it matters. I am guessing soccer if they started in pre-K and K.

There are often two dynamics when a dad is a coach.

1)The kid isn't that good but gets more playing time and in better positions so other kids and parents see this and a few of them gripe about it.

2) When the son is really good the dad/coach plays him in important positions and he gets more playing time which the son deserves but there are still parents who grumble about it. To make their own kids feel better they start talking at home how the coach's son is only good because he gets more playing time/plays a better position/some other excuse. Then the kid goes to school and makes a snide comment toward your son saying you only scored a goal (or goals) because your dad is a coach and he puts you in better positions.

The other issue is this is a rec league and maybe your son wants to just goof off with his friends but feels compelled to take it seriously because his dad is his coach. Or it could be your husband actually does put more pressure on your son but you aren't around to see it and your husband may not even realize it.

You really are wrong that no one will step up to coach. Have your husband take off a season and see what happens.

OP here. The sport dh has coached 10 seasons of is soccer, but he's also coached softball with similar issues. Scouts is definitely more of a problem. All the other kids have paid their dues and dh can't just quit. There isn't anyone else who would step up. DH has tried to get an assistant leader. My brother comes sometimes to help DS with the activities (like if they're programming something) while DH is being the leader and that does help.

I've sat with DS when he's sobbing and even later and asked him what's wrong. He'll just say he doesn't like it. But when I ask about specific parts, he'll say he likes those. It feels like he's trying to make DH feel bad about something DH liked and was trying to do for DS. At the beginning of every year, we ask him if he wants to play and he says he wants to. We definitely aren't forcing him into something he doesn't want to do. And then sobs later...

The way you talk about your son is so sad. He is not doing this to make your husband feel bad. He feels upset and doesn’t know how to handle the expectations your family has set up for him. It’s clear just from these comments that your husband REALLY wants this and even if you “ask” your son ok to keep doing this he’s obviously going to feel a lot of pressure to do what his dad wants. He’s being used to make his dad’s wants come to life. Does he even like soccer? My son plays soccer and he’s crazy about it. Wears a jersey all the time, plays at recess, has favorite players etc. most of his soccer player friends are the same. If your kid is not doing that let him try something else. If he is, let him try a different coach and make your husband stay out of it.

I guess you have to get through the year for scouts but insist on a parent helper for each meeting and try and let your son go with them. And make sure you find time to praise him when appropriate and maybe give him a small leadership role for some meetings. I feel SO bad for your son. I can’t believe you can’t see the position you are putting him in.

OP here. DS loves soccer and is very good at it. We ask him what he wants to do and he chooses soccer. He didn't choose softball or basketball, so we didn't enroll him anymore. He also does swimming that DH does not coach.

DH cannot get a helper for scouts. He's tried. Coaching and being a scout leader isn't DH's favorite thing, but he did step up when it was clear that there wouldn't be a den otherwise. DH tried to not coach soccer last fall, but DS didn't make a team due to lack of coaches, so DH had to coach again in order for him and all the other boys to play (rec soccer has done this a few times to DH, including once putting DS on a team in a neighboring city instead of close by).

Dad isn't living vicariously through DS. lol. DH already played all these sports himself and was an eagle scout. We are very kind to DS, so his sobbing is just a bit over the top and confusing to us.

Strangely enough, last night he had a sobbing tantrum over being enrolled in any summer camps (dh is not involved in any of that). When we probed a bit, his dream is to play minecraft all summer long while eating snacks at the grandparent's house. He has plenty of downtime, but maybe the issue is his chrome book usage? And I was just thinking it was something between DH and DS

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to take a step back from volunteering for everything. You know this.
Every other kid on the team or den get a break from parental expectations and involvement. Yours doesn’t. Every extracurricular his dad leads.
He’s told you his needs repeatedly and you’ve marginalized and ignored his needs repeatedly.

+1. DH should not be coaching/leading every single activity for years and years if your kid hates it. WTH. How have you let the dynamic go on this long? Now, I am a doer and I totally understand feeling like you/DH can't do nothing. So pick one activity. Or maybe let DS pick. "OK, we have to do our part for these activities, which you love so much. So DH is going to coach/lead only one thing this year, which should be do?" Have him do that and drop the rest. Maybe the scout troop falls apart, but other parents will 100% pick up the rec sports or the organization will step in. It may be that he doesn't like being overshadowed by his dad/how much other kids like his dad. That's a TOTALLY valid feeling for a young kid that you shouldn't just entirely delegitimize or describe like it's pathological.

DP - but they won't. Not for rec soccer. They will literally tell you there's no team for your kid because there aren't enough coaches. The system runs on parent volunteers and there are too many freeloaders.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to take a step back from volunteering for everything. You know this.
Every other kid on the team or den get a break from parental expectations and involvement. Yours doesn’t. Every extracurricular his dad leads.
He’s told you his needs repeatedly and you’ve marginalized and ignored his needs repeatedly.

+1. DH should not be coaching/leading every single activity for years and years if your kid hates it. WTH. How have you let the dynamic go on this long? Now, I am a doer and I totally understand feeling like you/DH can't do nothing. So pick one activity. Or maybe let DS pick. "OK, we have to do our part for these activities, which you love so much. So DH is going to coach/lead only one thing this year, which should be do?" Have him do that and drop the rest. Maybe the scout troop falls apart, but other parents will 100% pick up the rec sports or the organization will step in. It may be that he doesn't like being overshadowed by his dad/how much other kids like his dad. That's a TOTALLY valid feeling for a young kid that you shouldn't just entirely delegitimize or describe like it's pathological.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to name the sport because it matters. I am guessing soccer if they started in pre-K and K.

There are often two dynamics when a dad is a coach.

1)The kid isn't that good but gets more playing time and in better positions so other kids and parents see this and a few of them gripe about it.

2) When the son is really good the dad/coach plays him in important positions and he gets more playing time which the son deserves but there are still parents who grumble about it. To make their own kids feel better they start talking at home how the coach's son is only good because he gets more playing time/plays a better position/some other excuse. Then the kid goes to school and makes a snide comment toward your son saying you only scored a goal (or goals) because your dad is a coach and he puts you in better positions.

The other issue is this is a rec league and maybe your son wants to just goof off with his friends but feels compelled to take it seriously because his dad is his coach. Or it could be your husband actually does put more pressure on your son but you aren't around to see it and your husband may not even realize it.

You really are wrong that no one will step up to coach. Have your husband take off a season and see what happens.

OP here. The sport dh has coached 10 seasons of is soccer, but he's also coached softball with similar issues. Scouts is definitely more of a problem. All the other kids have paid their dues and dh can't just quit. There isn't anyone else who would step up. DH has tried to get an assistant leader. My brother comes sometimes to help DS with the activities (like if they're programming something) while DH is being the leader and that does help.

I've sat with DS when he's sobbing and even later and asked him what's wrong. He'll just say he doesn't like it. But when I ask about specific parts, he'll say he likes those. It feels like he's trying to make DH feel bad about something DH liked and was trying to do for DS. At the beginning of every year, we ask him if he wants to play and he says he wants to. We definitely aren't forcing him into something he doesn't want to do. And then sobs later...

The way you talk about your son is so sad. He is not doing this to make your husband feel bad. He feels upset and doesn’t know how to handle the expectations your family has set up for him. It’s clear just from these comments that your husband REALLY wants this and even if you “ask” your son ok to keep doing this he’s obviously going to feel a lot of pressure to do what his dad wants. He’s being used to make his dad’s wants come to life. Does he even like soccer? My son plays soccer and he’s crazy about it. Wears a jersey all the time, plays at recess, has favorite players etc. most of his soccer player friends are the same. If your kid is not doing that let him try something else. If he is, let him try a different coach and make your husband stay out of it.

I guess you have to get through the year for scouts but insist on a parent helper for each meeting and try and let your son go with them. And make sure you find time to praise him when appropriate and maybe give him a small leadership role for some meetings. I feel SO bad for your son. I can’t believe you can’t see the position you are putting him in.

OP here. DS loves soccer and is very good at it. We ask him what he wants to do and he chooses soccer. He didn't choose softball or basketball, so we didn't enroll him anymore. He also does swimming that DH does not coach.

DH cannot get a helper for scouts. He's tried. Coaching and being a scout leader isn't DH's favorite thing, but he did step up when it was clear that there wouldn't be a den otherwise. DH tried to not coach soccer last fall, but DS didn't make a team due to lack of coaches, so DH had to coach again in order for him and all the other boys to play (rec soccer has done this a few times to DH, including once putting DS on a team in a neighboring city instead of close by).

Dad isn't living vicariously through DS. lol. DH already played all these sports himself and was an eagle scout. We are very kind to DS, so his sobbing is just a bit over the top and confusing to us.

Strangely enough, last night he had a sobbing tantrum over being enrolled in any summer camps (dh is not involved in any of that). When we probed a bit, his dream is to play minecraft all summer long while eating snacks at the grandparent's house. He has plenty of downtime, but maybe the issue is his chrome book usage? And I was just thinking it was something between DH and DS