Divorce! I tried staying and hated who I became. I divorced and am now happily in a relationship with a man who was in a similar position in his marriage. It’s a beautiful relationship built on trust and understanding. You don’t have to stay, OP.

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who had a decade long affair. It was a family friend.
They are in their 80s now, still together. A child and grandchildren live right around the corner. They present a united front, deeply committed to the family they formed. I don't think they would have been happier without each other.

I think that she accepted that although he dallied, his liege and loyalty was to her and the marriage.

I read this and felt an immediate recognition. This was me. I spent a long, agonizing year standing on that same precipice, weighing what leaving would mean against what staying might require of me. In my case, my spouse was deeply remorseful, did the work to make meaningful repairs, and has remained fully committed to our marriage since.

I eventually understood clearly that I would not be happier without him. We loved each other, imperfectly but sincerely. People are flawed, marriages are tested, and forgiveness, when it is earned and freely given, can be an act of strength rather than denial. I chose to stay, and with time and repair, I am deeply grateful that I did.

*wife, not side ^^

You have to figure out where you still have agency and control. What choices can you make to improve your situation?

I understand that you feel helpless snd hopeless and what your side did was a terrible betrayal, but you seem to be stuck in self-pity. I’m not saying you weren’t and aren’t a victim but there’s more to you than that and it’s your responsibility to improve your situation.

Why do you hate yourself? That cannot be your baseline; you need to find some compassion and understanding for yourself, which I imagine you would extend to anyone else in your situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You hold an ace in your pocket. You now have the upper hand in the marriage. You have zero fkks to give. Own it and enjoy it !!

I didn’t realize I was still in a marriage, she ended it when I became the forsaken one. I did lose the comfort of happy memories and I lost the family that I sacrificed all of my other dreams to create with her. If I wanted to shame my wife into making me happy, wouldn’t that just create more resentments and comparisons? I get the fantasy, but I would rather play with someone I love, than live it with some incapable of love.

Letting go of dreams is a sacrifice?
You realize dreams are not actual reality, yes?

I know someone who had a decade long affair. It was a family friend.
They are in their 80s now, still together. A child and grandchildren live right around the corner. They present a united front, deeply committed to the family they formed. I don't think they would have been happier without each other.

I think that she accepted that although he dallied, his liege and loyalty was to her and the marriage.

My kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You hold an ace in your pocket. You now have the upper hand in the marriage. You have zero fkks to give. Own it and enjoy it !!

I didn’t realize I was still in a marriage, she ended it when I became the forsaken one. I did lose the comfort of happy memories and I lost the family that I sacrificed all of my other dreams to create with her. If I wanted to shame my wife into making me happy, wouldn’t that just create more resentments and comparisons? I get the fantasy, but I would rather play with someone I love, than live it with some incapable of love.

TBH you sound very self-pitying and lacking in introspection. Did she really cheat out of the blue, or are there things that you contributed to the breakdown of the marriage that you need to face so you stop living in this pure victim space?

I’m not saying that I am perfect or that I wasn’t working a lot to support her staying home. We had challenges that were normal in my eyes and unspoken until she finally admitted it. I am self pitying relating to this topic and that’s why I asked the question.

Having responsibility in the breakdown of our relationship doesn’t change the fact that I am the only victim of her actions. I wasn’t asking if I could have been more ideal as a partner, I could have been better. We both could have been better, but I loved her and believed in us. I wasn’t happy with life at the time and haven’t been since, but cheating was never an option I entertained. I believed short term difficulties needed to be endured for long term gain, but I was wrong. The only thing I want now is a little joy, a future and to see someone I respect in the mirror again.

Your comment was really helpful, thanks for blaming me for her lack of integrity and my inability to get over it. Your betrayed spouse was lucky to have you in their life.

You seem to see your own issue clearly and the solution seems pretty obvious. Leave the person who hurt you and get that self respect back.

What is stopping you right now?

OP, ignore the cheater who suggested you did something to cause your wife to cheat. That never happens. Cheating is a choice made by someone who lacks integrity - if the marriage isn’t working, people can leave. Cheating literally never fixes anything.

Anonymous wrote:^money.

I get to be in my kids life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You hold an ace in your pocket. You now have the upper hand in the marriage. You have zero fkks to give. Own it and enjoy it !!

I didn’t realize I was still in a marriage, she ended it when I became the forsaken one. I did lose the comfort of happy memories and I lost the family that I sacrificed all of my other dreams to create with her. If I wanted to shame my wife into making me happy, wouldn’t that just create more resentments and comparisons? I get the fantasy, but I would rather play with someone I love, than live it with some incapable of love.

TBH you sound very self-pitying and lacking in introspection. Did she really cheat out of the blue, or are there things that you contributed to the breakdown of the marriage that you need to face so you stop living in this pure victim space?

I’m not saying that I am perfect or that I wasn’t working a lot to support her staying home. We had challenges that were normal in my eyes and unspoken until she finally admitted it. I am self pitying relating to this topic and that’s why I asked the question.

Having responsibility in the breakdown of our relationship doesn’t change the fact that I am the only victim of her actions. I wasn’t asking if I could have been more ideal as a partner, I could have been better. We both could have been better, but I loved her and believed in us. I wasn’t happy with life at the time and haven’t been since, but cheating was never an option I entertained. I believed short term difficulties needed to be endured for long term gain, but I was wrong. The only thing I want now is a little joy, a future and to see someone I respect in the mirror again.

Your comment was really helpful, thanks for blaming me for her lack of integrity and my inability to get over it. Your betrayed spouse was lucky to have you in their life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheat on him and then leave. Forget what people say about getting even not fixing anything. You're going to feel a lot better when you hit this ball back over the net into his side of the court and then end the game.

I always wonder about the logic of these dumb revenge cheat boosters.

What kind of person do you think is willing to sleep with a depressed married man?
Why would you drag a third party into all of your baggage?
Why would you prolong the inevitable when you have already wasted years of your life in this marriage?
And what are you going to tell a future partner when you explain how your marriage ended?
Do you think a high quality person will want to be with a vengeful cheater after OP is ready to be in a relationship again?

Get out of the marriage with your integrity and your head held high.

Something in my post triggered a deep fear in you. You'd do better trying to figure out what is going on with you than lashing out at me.

Your post absolutely did trigger me but it’s not very deep- can you attempt to answer my basic questions? What woman in her right mind is going to want to get involved with a divorced middle aged guy who “revenge” cheated? What sane woman is going to cheat with a guy as broken up as OP??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You hold an ace in your pocket. You now have the upper hand in the marriage. You have zero fkks to give. Own it and enjoy it !!

I didn’t realize I was still in a marriage, she ended it when I became the forsaken one. I did lose the comfort of happy memories and I lost the family that I sacrificed all of my other dreams to create with her. If I wanted to shame my wife into making me happy, wouldn’t that just create more resentments and comparisons? I get the fantasy, but I would rather play with someone I love, than live it with some incapable of love.

TBH you sound very self-pitying and lacking in introspection. Did she really cheat out of the blue, or are there things that you contributed to the breakdown of the marriage that you need to face so you stop living in this pure victim space?

I agree with this. I can’t even read anything OP says because it’s so full of ego.

OPs marriage is doomed to fail, so he should just leave. And for the love of all things holy, he needs some intensive therapy.

^money.

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse cheated- How did you put the anger and hatred in the rear view mirror to actually smile and live again?

It’s been years and multiple counselors, but I still resent life. I hate myself, my WW, the AP that was close-ish to our family, God and the acquaintances that were just fine keeping the secret. I need it to end, because I am sick of it defining my life. Every day is a painful reminder that my life has been and continues to be a long list of responsibilities and a loveless, lonely, waste of 52 years.

What do you still get out of your marriage?