I’ve put up with a lot on DCUM, but not IRL

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Anonymous wrote:None. I wouldn't even call my husband stupid, much less worse than that. Intelligent people don't resort to name calling when in an argument.

Not to parse words here, but.. is “don’t be so stupid!” name calling? I don’t think so. PP who said we are our own boundary on this is exactly right.

I mean, isn't it? On what occasion would you say that to your husband? I think calling someone stupid is rude and unproductive. Does it even describe the behavior accurately or clearly explain how you feel about what he did? To me, it doesn't. So I prefer to use words that make sense and further discussion. If my husband left a bag of trash on the bag porch, for example, and the dogs got into it when they went outside, I suppose I could say "don't be so stupid!" but what purpose does that serve? Can you give me an example where that works, and by works I mean helps the person who did the thing to understand what they did and how you felt about it?

Different poster. I can think of a scenario. Let’s say that DH and I have a child with SN that got into a school that serves kids with his disability and will probably be our child’s best shot at transitioning into a traditional classroom at some point instead of being in a hybrid classroom/ homeschool situation.

Despite the fact that we will actually have MORE money coming in because DS going to school means that I can work more, DH has sticker shock and doesn’t want to pay for the school and more or less shuts down and refuses to talk about it whenever I bring it up.

I mean, hypothetically.

PP here. First off, congratulations on your child's acceptance into that school!

I could come up with some choice adjectives for your husband, and you and I could bandy them about, I just don't see how calling him stupid would further the discussion (that I guess he's refusing to have anyway) on this topic. I'd probably get a third party involved, hopefully someone who can help your husband see how beneficial this will be for your child, and maybe even a different third party to discuss the financial piece of it.

Let me be clear - it's not that I've never thought to myself "my husband is being stupid/a jerk/an ass, etc.," I just don't say those things to him because I don't think it's productive to call names. I also think the name calling OP was talking about is completely unacceptable, although I can sympathize with you wanting to call your husband the male version of those words given the frustration with your current situation.

I guess that’s fair. Frankly, I will do what I want to and DH can deal. No third party needed. I know that I’m right.
But don’t you just get mad sometimes?

PP here. I ABSOLUTELY get mad sometimes. And I absolutely want to scream at my husband sometimes. I just don't, because I don't think it's productive and I think calling each other names is only going to lead to hurt feelings and resentment and I don't want to go down that path. I will say, I've never fundamentally disagreed with my husband to the level you are talking about, so I will not say I know what I'd do in your shoes. And I have raised my voice at him before when I'm frustrated and I don't think he's listening, but I have never once called him a name or said something hurtful. This is true for everyone I know - I will say the truth (i.e. I told my friend I disagreed with her decision to cheat on her spouse, I've told my kids I'm disappointed in their choices, etc.) even when the truth may hurt, but I do not call names or say hurtful things because I am not the kind of person who would get over that easily. I know some people are fine screaming names at each other and then acting like there's no issue. That's just not for me, so I don't do it, and I am not in a relationship with or friends with people who would do so either.

Anonymous wrote:What? Absolutely not. None of that is appropriate and I would tag it verbal/emotional abuse.

Find someone who builds you up. You deserve not to be verbally assaulted.

Agree with this completely. It's one thing to say to someone "you're being a jerk about this situation," or "you sounded really b****y when you said that" but to CALL someone a name? Absolutely crosses a line.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None. I wouldn't even call my husband stupid, much less worse than that. Intelligent people don't resort to name calling when in an argument.

Not to parse words here, but.. is “don’t be so stupid!” name calling? I don’t think so. PP who said we are our own boundary on this is exactly right.

I mean, isn't it? On what occasion would you say that to your husband? I think calling someone stupid is rude and unproductive. Does it even describe the behavior accurately or clearly explain how you feel about what he did? To me, it doesn't. So I prefer to use words that make sense and further discussion. If my husband left a bag of trash on the bag porch, for example, and the dogs got into it when they went outside, I suppose I could say "don't be so stupid!" but what purpose does that serve? Can you give me an example where that works, and by works I mean helps the person who did the thing to understand what they did and how you felt about it?

Different poster. I can think of a scenario. Let’s say that DH and I have a child with SN that got into a school that serves kids with his disability and will probably be our child’s best shot at transitioning into a traditional classroom at some point instead of being in a hybrid classroom/ homeschool situation.

Despite the fact that we will actually have MORE money coming in because DS going to school means that I can work more, DH has sticker shock and doesn’t want to pay for the school and more or less shuts down and refuses to talk about it whenever I bring it up.

I mean, hypothetically.

PP here. First off, congratulations on your child's acceptance into that school!

I could come up with some choice adjectives for your husband, and you and I could bandy them about, I just don't see how calling him stupid would further the discussion (that I guess he's refusing to have anyway) on this topic. I'd probably get a third party involved, hopefully someone who can help your husband see how beneficial this will be for your child, and maybe even a different third party to discuss the financial piece of it.

Let me be clear - it's not that I've never thought to myself "my husband is being stupid/a jerk/an ass, etc.," I just don't say those things to him because I don't think it's productive to call names. I also think the name calling OP was talking about is completely unacceptable, although I can sympathize with you wanting to call your husband the male version of those words given the frustration with your current situation.

I guess that’s fair. Frankly, I will do what I want to and DH can deal. No third party needed. I know that I’m right.
But don’t you just get mad sometimes?

Anonymous wrote:

Being called a C*nT? And/or B*&cH?

Come on, are these really *that* bad?

Yes. Stop calling your spouse, or really any woman, these names.

Being called a C*nT? And/or B*&cH?

Come on, are these really *that* bad?

ZERO. NONE.

Have some self-respect. Stand up for yourself.

No name-calling. We don’t let the kids do it either.

Different strokes for different folks, of course. But OP is asking people what their tolerance is. Our tolerance is zero.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None. I wouldn't even call my husband stupid, much less worse than that. Intelligent people don't resort to name calling when in an argument.

Not to parse words here, but.. is “don’t be so stupid!” name calling? I don’t think so. PP who said we are our own boundary on this is exactly right.

I mean, isn't it? On what occasion would you say that to your husband? I think calling someone stupid is rude and unproductive. Does it even describe the behavior accurately or clearly explain how you feel about what he did? To me, it doesn't. So I prefer to use words that make sense and further discussion. If my husband left a bag of trash on the bag porch, for example, and the dogs got into it when they went outside, I suppose I could say "don't be so stupid!" but what purpose does that serve? Can you give me an example where that works, and by works I mean helps the person who did the thing to understand what they did and how you felt about it?

Different poster. I can think of a scenario. Let’s say that DH and I have a child with SN that got into a school that serves kids with his disability and will probably be our child’s best shot at transitioning into a traditional classroom at some point instead of being in a hybrid classroom/ homeschool situation.

Despite the fact that we will actually have MORE money coming in because DS going to school means that I can work more, DH has sticker shock and doesn’t want to pay for the school and more or less shuts down and refuses to talk about it whenever I bring it up.

I mean, hypothetically.

PP here. First off, congratulations on your child's acceptance into that school!

I could come up with some choice adjectives for your husband, and you and I could bandy them about, I just don't see how calling him stupid would further the discussion (that I guess he's refusing to have anyway) on this topic. I'd probably get a third party involved, hopefully someone who can help your husband see how beneficial this will be for your child, and maybe even a different third party to discuss the financial piece of it.

Let me be clear - it's not that I've never thought to myself "my husband is being stupid/a jerk/an ass, etc.," I just don't say those things to him because I don't think it's productive to call names. I also think the name calling OP was talking about is completely unacceptable, although I can sympathize with you wanting to call your husband the male version of those words given the frustration with your current situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None. I wouldn't even call my husband stupid, much less worse than that. Intelligent people don't resort to name calling when in an argument.

Not to parse words here, but.. is “don’t be so stupid!” name calling? I don’t think so. PP who said we are our own boundary on this is exactly right.

I mean, isn't it? On what occasion would you say that to your husband? I think calling someone stupid is rude and unproductive. Does it even describe the behavior accurately or clearly explain how you feel about what he did? To me, it doesn't. So I prefer to use words that make sense and further discussion. If my husband left a bag of trash on the bag porch, for example, and the dogs got into it when they went outside, I suppose I could say "don't be so stupid!" but what purpose does that serve? Can you give me an example where that works, and by works I mean helps the person who did the thing to understand what they did and how you felt about it?

Different poster. I can think of a scenario. Let’s say that DH and I have a child with SN that got into a school that serves kids with his disability and will probably be our child’s best shot at transitioning into a traditional classroom at some point instead of being in a hybrid classroom/ homeschool situation.

Despite the fact that we will actually have MORE money coming in because DS going to school means that I can work more, DH has sticker shock and doesn’t want to pay for the school and more or less shuts down and refuses to talk about it whenever I bring it up.

I mean, hypothetically.

He's putting his wallet over his child? Definitely an AH move. Sorry you have to deal with that... hypothetically.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None. I wouldn't even call my husband stupid, much less worse than that. Intelligent people don't resort to name calling when in an argument.

Not to parse words here, but.. is “don’t be so stupid!” name calling? I don’t think so. PP who said we are our own boundary on this is exactly right.

I mean, isn't it? On what occasion would you say that to your husband? I think calling someone stupid is rude and unproductive. Does it even describe the behavior accurately or clearly explain how you feel about what he did? To me, it doesn't. So I prefer to use words that make sense and further discussion. If my husband left a bag of trash on the bag porch, for example, and the dogs got into it when they went outside, I suppose I could say "don't be so stupid!" but what purpose does that serve? Can you give me an example where that works, and by works I mean helps the person who did the thing to understand what they did and how you felt about it?

Different poster. I can think of a scenario. Let’s say that DH and I have a child with SN that got into a school that serves kids with his disability and will probably be our child’s best shot at transitioning into a traditional classroom at some point instead of being in a hybrid classroom/ homeschool situation.

Despite the fact that we will actually have MORE money coming in because DS going to school means that I can work more, DH has sticker shock and doesn’t want to pay for the school and more or less shuts down and refuses to talk about it whenever I bring it up.

I mean, hypothetically.

None of these. We're French and the worst insult we exchange is the equivalent of "jerk", and even then, it's very rare that we use it during an actual fight. Mostly it's used when we joke around, in which case it's just funny.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None. I wouldn't even call my husband stupid, much less worse than that. Intelligent people don't resort to name calling when in an argument.

Not to parse words here, but.. is “don’t be so stupid!” name calling? I don’t think so. PP who said we are our own boundary on this is exactly right.

I mean, isn't it? On what occasion would you say that to your husband? I think calling someone stupid is rude and unproductive. Does it even describe the behavior accurately or clearly explain how you feel about what he did? To me, it doesn't. So I prefer to use words that make sense and further discussion. If my husband left a bag of trash on the bag porch, for example, and the dogs got into it when they went outside, I suppose I could say "don't be so stupid!" but what purpose does that serve? Can you give me an example where that works, and by works I mean helps the person who did the thing to understand what they did and how you felt about it?

PP again. I, personally, would never say "don't be stupid" to my husband or anyone. But, how is that different from "don't be ridiculous," which is often said, especially in the heat of an argument? The point is, for OP, I think everyone has the right to set their own boundaries on what is acceptable here.

I also believe that there is a difference in using these words as adjectives to describe behavior, as opposed to nouns to name call. "That was a jerk move" is different from "you're a jerk."

None. You can have a fight without calling names.

I actually don't care. What I care about is gaslighting such as saying I have "poor communication skills" or "are not a good listener" when imo he is too bored or inattentive to pay attention when I am explaining things about stuff like medical insurance or I interrupt him to say his premise is incorrect and try to get us on a correct track. I guess I am supposed to let him go on and on for 5 minutes thinking a full change applies to a deductible instead of just an allowed amount but really...in our insurance only the allowed amount does. Which is why we have to pay a balance!