Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't "moved on". My childhood shaped me in lots of ways - some very positive and some very hard. I spent years figuring out who I am and who I want to be, and what some of the drivers of my behaviors are, etc...

Lots of therapy. Lots of work. Lots of patience.

I accept that my parents did the best they could.

I accept that their best was in many ways profoundly damaging to me.

I accept that they loved me and were products of their own damaging past.

I love them.

I craft careful boundaries around my interactions with them so that I felt safe and could still have a relationship with them.

I'm an adult so for quite some time have felt like I get to have primary responsibility for who I am and want to be. They shaped me but I get to reshape me as I see fit.

I did this for decades and managed to make it work. Both parents are deceased now and I have no substantive regrets - which I consider a HUGE blessing. That was pretty much my best case scenario.

So it's never really been about "moving on" for me. That just doesn't ring true.

This rings true for me. My parents are still alive but this is about what I feel. It would not be accurate to say I have "moved on" or am trying to "move on" because your childhood experiences become part of who you are. I can't magically become someone who didn't go through these things, and I think if I tried, it would just wind up coming up in other dysfunctional ways and potentially harm more people. I choose radical acceptance. This is what happened.

And like PP, I recognize that my parents were shaped by their own abusive, neglected childhoods. I can't reach back into the past and fix those anymore than I can fix my own. I actually agree with the other PP that it's not helpful to say "they did their best." I do in fact think they could have done better. If I didn't think that, I would not have become a parent myself because if I believed so little in personal agency, then I would not have believed I could break these generational patterns with my own kids.

So it's like: I love my parents. I resent my parents. I feel bad for my parents. I am sometimes angry at my parents. I know I deserved better. I know they deserved better. Also: I love myself. I love my kids. I know what my kids deserve because it's what I didn't get. I work hard to give that to my kids, and when it results in a positive family life for me, I am proud of myself for helping to create that. I am not estranged from my parents. I have good strong boundaries with my parents. Sometimes when I see my parents, I think about all this and feel sad, hurt, regretful, or mad. When I feel that way, I do the things I need to do to work through those feelings so I can show up for myself and my kids. It can feel cyclical at times but I have also come to appreciate how strong I am to keep working through this, and to find ways to get myself what I need even though I didn't get what I needed as a kid.

So no, it's not about moving on or moving past it. It's about learning to live with the hurt and find pathways to creating something new and better even while carrying that history with me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many threads about conflict between parents and their adult children. Many posters write that their own parents made mistakes, but they have been able to overlook them or move past them. Parents are only human, after all.

My question is this: what kinds of mistakes are people just moving past, or writing off as not a big deal? Does anyone have any examples? For example, my mom had a very hard time maintaining relationships with our extended family. She's just a generally unpleasant and self-important person. I don't think I could ever forgive her for the numerous family estrangements that she caused. Are other people forgiving these kinds of things, or is it more minor (ie my mom didn't let me sign up for after-school activities)?

This is exactly the kind of thing where I would be thinking she did the best she could with what she had to work with. I don’t think people want to live lives where they are seen as disagreeable and estranged from family if they can help it. That strikes me as something that your mother did not have the ability to change. I also notice that your response to your mother causing estrangements is to declare you will never forgive her. I mean, do you see the irony?

Oh I think it's an absolutely horrible way to live, agreed. I keep her at arms length but I am not estranged from her. I do think she can help it though- she tells the tales over and over again about how it's everyone's fault but her own. She needs therapy but refuses. I don't believe people (including her) can't take accountability and improve their lives and relationships. I don't see people as helpless.

Maybe I am obtuse but no, I don't see the irony.

DP. You’re mad that your mother cuts people off, so you cut her off.

Anonymous wrote:I haven't "moved on". My childhood shaped me in lots of ways - some very positive and some very hard. I spent years figuring out who I am and who I want to be, and what some of the drivers of my behaviors are, etc...

Lots of therapy. Lots of work. Lots of patience.

I accept that my parents did the best they could.

I accept that their best was in many ways profoundly damaging to me.

I accept that they loved me and were products of their own damaging past.

I love them.

I craft careful boundaries around my interactions with them so that I felt safe and could still have a relationship with them.

I'm an adult so for quite some time have felt like I get to have primary responsibility for who I am and want to be. They shaped me but I get to reshape me as I see fit.

I did this for decades and managed to make it work. Both parents are deceased now and I have no substantive regrets - which I consider a HUGE blessing. That was pretty much my best case scenario.

So it's never really been about "moving on" for me. That just doesn't ring true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many threads about conflict between parents and their adult children. Many posters write that their own parents made mistakes, but they have been able to overlook them or move past them. Parents are only human, after all.

My question is this: what kinds of mistakes are people just moving past, or writing off as not a big deal? Does anyone have any examples? For example, my mom had a very hard time maintaining relationships with our extended family. She's just a generally unpleasant and self-important person. I don't think I could ever forgive her for the numerous family estrangements that she caused. Are other people forgiving these kinds of things, or is it more minor (ie my mom didn't let me sign up for after-school activities)?

This is exactly the kind of thing where I would be thinking she did the best she could with what she had to work with. I don’t think people want to live lives where they are seen as disagreeable and estranged from family if they can help it. That strikes me as something that your mother did not have the ability to change. I also notice that your response to your mother causing estrangements is to declare you will never forgive her. I mean, do you see the irony?

Oh I think it's an absolutely horrible way to live, agreed. I keep her at arms length but I am not estranged from her. I do think she can help it though- she tells the tales over and over again about how it's everyone's fault but her own. She needs therapy but refuses. I don't believe people (including her) can't take accountability and improve their lives and relationships. I don't see people as helpless.

Maybe I am obtuse but no, I don't see the irony.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read once that the difference between trauma (which you get stuck on and struggle with) and simply a bad experience that you move past, is processing.

So childhood trauma occurs when there is a bad experience that a child is prevented from processing. Generally though lack of support from adults in their lives, but I think in some cases people are able to process bad experiences just by talking to siblings or friends, if they are fortunate. People can still process those events later in life, in therapy or on their own, but then there will be more to process -- the original event plus the years of suppressing or being unable to discuss or integrate that experience. Sometimes trauma can compound -- a person who was physically abused as a child might then wind up in an abusive relationship in adulthood, and it will be that much harder for them to untangle the layers of trauma because they will be connected.

So I suspect that when people are able to move on and let go of "parent wrongs" more easily, it is because they have had some opportunity to process it. Whether with their parents or through support of friends or community or even just someone telling them when they were still young and impressionable "you know what, that was wrong." Mostly people just want to feel like their experiences matter, and especially that if someone or something harmed them, that someone else cares. It is when people are left alone to deal with difficult experiences with no help, or event actively told "that didn't happen" or "your feelings about that are not merited" that people get stuck and struggle to move on.

This is the best thing I’ve ever read on DCUM, so thank you to whoever posted this! Very enlightening and helpful. Please know that your kindness helped me tremendously today. Wishing you all the happiness in the world!

Anonymous wrote:Boomers really are the worst, must be the consequences of the two world wars.

Anonymous wrote:There are so many threads about conflict between parents and their adult children. Many posters write that their own parents made mistakes, but they have been able to overlook them or move past them. Parents are only human, after all.

My question is this: what kinds of mistakes are people just moving past, or writing off as not a big deal? Does anyone have any examples? For example, my mom had a very hard time maintaining relationships with our extended family. She's just a generally unpleasant and self-important person. I don't think I could ever forgive her for the numerous family estrangements that she caused. Are other people forgiving these kinds of things, or is it more minor (ie my mom didn't let me sign up for after-school activities)?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read once that the difference between trauma (which you get stuck on and struggle with) and simply a bad experience that you move past, is processing.

So childhood trauma occurs when there is a bad experience that a child is prevented from processing. Generally though lack of support from adults in their lives, but I think in some cases people are able to process bad experiences just by talking to siblings or friends, if they are fortunate. People can still process those events later in life, in therapy or on their own, but then there will be more to process -- the original event plus the years of suppressing or being unable to discuss or integrate that experience. Sometimes trauma can compound -- a person who was physically abused as a child might then wind up in an abusive relationship in adulthood, and it will be that much harder for them to untangle the layers of trauma because they will be connected.

So I suspect that when people are able to move on and let go of "parent wrongs" more easily, it is because they have had some opportunity to process it. Whether with their parents or through support of friends or community or even just someone telling them when they were still young and impressionable "you know what, that was wrong." Mostly people just want to feel like their experiences matter, and especially that if someone or something harmed them, that someone else cares. It is when people are left alone to deal with difficult experiences with no help, or event actively told "that didn't happen" or "your feelings about that are not merited" that people get stuck and struggle to move on.

I agree being able to talk about it and being validated is an important step but don’t agree that is the only difference. There are people who go to therapy or are in self-help groups for years and can’t get past it. I think it’s mostly your personality - some people find forgiveness or empathy easier, some people tend to ruminate, some have anxiety and one experience colors all others, some are more resilient than others, etc.

But people's personalities are shaped by their experiences. That's the whole point. The people who keep ruminating and struggle to move on may have had difference experiences. Specifically, they may have been forced to suppress or deny things that happened in their families, for years, and thus have a much harder time acknowledging them and moving forward.

My parents were pretty physically abusive when I was a kid. In my 20s I had a boyfriend whose mom had also been physically abusive. He didn't get why I struggled moving on from it. But our experiences were very different. He'd grown up in an immigrant community where many of the parents had been abusive the way his mom was. His cousins and friends had similar experiences, and they grew up commiserating about it with each other, and it was part of a community narrative of being 2nd gen in their community. In contrast, my parents' abuse was secret and I never knew anyone growing up who had a similar experience. I knew some of the things my parents did would be considered deeply shameful in our community, like my dad whipping us with a belt (which would have been associated with poor, uneducated white people, and a reflection of my dad's own poor upbringing). My siblings and I didn't even speak about these experiences with each other -- we were taught to shut down this sort of talk from younger siblings. My mom explicitly ordered us not to share certain things about our family with others because she knew it would reflect poorly on her. So I grew up with a ton of shame and isolation around this abuse, and it made it very hard to "move on" from, even in therapy.

So yes, it's "personality" but that makes it sound like it's just intrinsic to a person. It's not. People are moldable, for better or worse, especially as children.

Anonymous wrote:I read once that the difference between trauma (which you get stuck on and struggle with) and simply a bad experience that you move past, is processing.

So childhood trauma occurs when there is a bad experience that a child is prevented from processing. Generally though lack of support from adults in their lives, but I think in some cases people are able to process bad experiences just by talking to siblings or friends, if they are fortunate. People can still process those events later in life, in therapy or on their own, but then there will be more to process -- the original event plus the years of suppressing or being unable to discuss or integrate that experience. Sometimes trauma can compound -- a person who was physically abused as a child might then wind up in an abusive relationship in adulthood, and it will be that much harder for them to untangle the layers of trauma because they will be connected.

So I suspect that when people are able to move on and let go of "parent wrongs" more easily, it is because they have had some opportunity to process it. Whether with their parents or through support of friends or community or even just someone telling them when they were still young and impressionable "you know what, that was wrong." Mostly people just want to feel like their experiences matter, and especially that if someone or something harmed them, that someone else cares. It is when people are left alone to deal with difficult experiences with no help, or event actively told "that didn't happen" or "your feelings about that are not merited" that people get stuck and struggle to move on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read once that the difference between trauma (which you get stuck on and struggle with) and simply a bad experience that you move past, is processing.

So childhood trauma occurs when there is a bad experience that a child is prevented from processing. Generally though lack of support from adults in their lives, but I think in some cases people are able to process bad experiences just by talking to siblings or friends, if they are fortunate. People can still process those events later in life, in therapy or on their own, but then there will be more to process -- the original event plus the years of suppressing or being unable to discuss or integrate that experience. Sometimes trauma can compound -- a person who was physically abused as a child might then wind up in an abusive relationship in adulthood, and it will be that much harder for them to untangle the layers of trauma because they will be connected.

So I suspect that when people are able to move on and let go of "parent wrongs" more easily, it is because they have had some opportunity to process it. Whether with their parents or through support of friends or community or even just someone telling them when they were still young and impressionable "you know what, that was wrong." Mostly people just want to feel like their experiences matter, and especially that if someone or something harmed them, that someone else cares. It is when people are left alone to deal with difficult experiences with no help, or event actively told "that didn't happen" or "your feelings about that are not merited" that people get stuck and struggle to move on.

I agree being able to talk about it and being validated is an important step but don’t agree that is the only difference. There are people who go to therapy or are in self-help groups for years and can’t get past it. I think it’s mostly your personality - some people find forgiveness or empathy easier, some people tend to ruminate, some have anxiety and one experience colors all others, some are more resilient than others, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read once that the difference between trauma (which you get stuck on and struggle with) and simply a bad experience that you move past, is processing.

So childhood trauma occurs when there is a bad experience that a child is prevented from processing. Generally though lack of support from adults in their lives, but I think in some cases people are able to process bad experiences just by talking to siblings or friends, if they are fortunate. People can still process those events later in life, in therapy or on their own, but then there will be more to process -- the original event plus the years of suppressing or being unable to discuss or integrate that experience. Sometimes trauma can compound -- a person who was physically abused as a child might then wind up in an abusive relationship in adulthood, and it will be that much harder for them to untangle the layers of trauma because they will be connected.

So I suspect that when people are able to move on and let go of "parent wrongs" more easily, it is because they have had some opportunity to process it. Whether with their parents or through support of friends or community or even just someone telling them when they were still young and impressionable "you know what, that was wrong." Mostly people just want to feel like their experiences matter, and especially that if someone or something harmed them, that someone else cares. It is when people are left alone to deal with difficult experiences with no help, or event actively told "that didn't happen" or "your feelings about that are not merited" that people get stuck and struggle to move on.

I agree being able to talk about it and being validated is an important step but don’t agree that is the only difference. There are people who go to therapy or are in self-help groups for years and can’t get past it. I think it’s mostly your personality - some people find forgiveness or empathy easier, some people tend to ruminate, some have anxiety and one experience colors all others, some are more resilient than others, etc.