College should be for most everyone

Too many parents fail to frame the discussion with their kids in ROI terms.

It’s a big investment. Will it truly pay off?

College isn’t for everyone.

Anonymous wrote:When they are seriously putting together a list of possible schools -- so, spring of junior year.

If you have the money, keep an open mind about what schools are "worth it" because you don't yet know what kind of environments will allow your kid to thrive. There is also a surprising amount of merit money available (to all students, not just the very top) at private schools that aren't the most selective.

As a parent of a recent college grad and a college sophomore now, this is just what we did.

8th grade seems young to be talking about actual finances, at that point their heads aren’t in that space, and you really don’t know where their college trajectory is going. It was 10th, 11th grade when my kids were putting their lists together and we talked financials.

And completely agree on not crossing off all privates. My DS went to a private (a Catholic less-selective) college and got amazing merit aid. Costs ended up being less than our in-state options.

My kids came home from middle school talking about college. That was when we started talking about the money we have saved. Most of their friends talk about how they have to go to Harvard or Yale or whatever. To which I usually roll my eyes (internally, lol)

We have enough money for them to attend UVA, which is pretty expensive. So they can go in state, or out of state for roughly that amount of money. We’ve also told them that if they have a dream school with a good reason to go, we’ll consider it. We have the money to send them wherever, but I value state schools, and don’t think we should be spending 100k/year (for three kids) without a damn good reason.

We’ve also talked about gap years and community college. My kids are bright and motivated, but I think getting off the race to nowhere path might be good for them.

Anonymous wrote:Talk in real numbers. It’s very easy to find in Google how much in state publics cost (full cost of attendance including room and board, not just tuition)

For example, I told my kids that we would not pay for more than $60k a year. That is in state publics and some private schools with merit aid. But many schools are off the table.

Yes, my kid oldest is in 8th and I've talked in real numbers for years, including dollars, number of semesters here or there for the same total outlay. I'm usually talking about schools people we know went to or schools we've driven by on trips as examples. They know what amount/type of school we're willing to pay for, and they've known we're saving since babyhood. I talk a lot haha.

^ Sorry for all of the typos. It is very early. My senior is going to a college next year, out of state, than is less expensive than the VA schools would cost us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you sighing and complaining about college costs to your kid (in 8th grade!)? It’s not his fault you had him and are choosing to pay for his college.

DP and good point. Stop that now. And why do you think it will be a fight? Not all kids want $$$$ school. My senior picked a very reasonable school that’s a great fit and has massive guilt over the cost still. We keep telling him it’s totally affordable.

It’s ok to be overall exasperated with the current college situation in the US. Our kids know we think it’s absurd, and that of course it has nothing to do with them and that we are happily paying for them to attend and want them to. Both things can be true.

I’m also exasperated at the absurd cost of sneakers and I tell them so. I don’t blame them and I still buy the sneakers.

I have a senior the senior now, who happened to pick a very affordable OOS option. It’s ended up being expensive than our in state schools and was his top choice after visiting many schools these past two years. There are so many options out there. There is even community college. Your kid hasn’t even started HS yet. Don’t assume he will want one that’s 80k+

Anonymous wrote:Be honest with your kids and let them know what you can afford right from the start.

That is way too much info to lay on 8th graders. This conversation doesn't really need to get into specifics about what you can afford until you're talking maybe near the end of 9th grade or during 10th about what they're most interested in studying and which schools (if any) they already know they're interested in. Then as parents YOU should take what you feel you can afford, make some inquiries to see how much these preliminary discussions with your child about how much you have to work with and what schools are costing, and that can drive more thought on yours and on your kid's part about what the range of options are.

And all that said, if your kid is interested in applying to some more expensive or elite schools, some of them have amazing merit scholarships these days and I can't ever understand parents discouraging their kids from applying if they're interested in a particular school. "Dream schools" are a thing for a reason, and why cut off any chance at all for them getting a way better offer than you think is possible? All within the context of being realistic with them about odds and acceptance rates and scholarship possibilities.

But none of that is needed in 8th grade, why, why stress them out that early about specifics?

We have discussed paying the mortgage, saving for retirement, saving for college and other financial decisions around DS for a while. They are a regular part of life and there has never been a reason to not discuss them around DS. He has known that I have been unemploed, a long term contract ended, and has watched me job hunt. I showed him jobs that I saw that were in areas he is interested in, he was in 7th grade, and what type of things people were looking to hire.

He is in 8th grade. We have not discussed a budget for college but he is aware that we are saving, that college is expensive, and that we will take cost into consideration. We will have a good idea about how much we have saved in a few years, we know what we have been saving but we don’t know what the markets will do.

You should discuss college and what you think it is going to cost and what you are doing to prepare for that. It is an important expense and fair to discuss him. It is ok to say that it is expensive and you have to plan for it. It is not ok to make it sound like a burden or a chore. You have a choice to pay for college or not. If you are making the choice to pay for it, then don’t make it feel like a burden to your child.

However you choose to do so, please try to avoid context where it may be conveyed that you resent your child for the expense or that it is some unwarranted burden on you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you sighing and complaining about college costs to your kid (in 8th grade!)? It’s not his fault you had him and are choosing to pay for his college.

DP and good point. Stop that now. And why do you think it will be a fight? Not all kids want $$$$ school. My senior picked a very reasonable school that’s a great fit and has massive guilt over the cost still. We keep telling him it’s totally affordable.

It’s ok to be overall exasperated with the current college situation in the US. Our kids know we think it’s absurd, and that of course it has nothing to do with them and that we are happily paying for them to attend and want them to. Both things can be true.

I’m also exasperated at the absurd cost of sneakers and I tell them so. I don’t blame them and I still buy the sneakers.

Anonymous wrote:No loans, they go where we can afford.

This. 18 year olds don’t have the mental capacity to decide to put themselves into massive debt. It should not be allowed in my opinion.

OP, I think the sighing and vague comments are the very worst thing you can do. We knew our budget. When the time comes (probably Junior Year), you will need to know your budget. That is your responsibility. We posted a paper on the frig. It listed 50 colleges, as examples, that we thought were good choices. Just a place to start. It was listed in descending order of price. We drew a line under the top few most expensive to indicate, "you'll have to pick below this line", something that costs in this range.

If you are fearful of OOS cost, you can limit your student to in-state publics only. Many parents do. If you're going to, why not just state that now? Clear and simple. Know your own mind - that takes some work - that's on you. We knew we were in a position to not limit our DC's choices to that. They DCs attended OOS public with good merit packages. Very happy with admission results. A couple private were thrown into the mix, but as expected even with merit, we could not afford.

If you don't know how you feel and what you can afford yet - stop talking. And stop with the sighing and vague comments.

Anonymous wrote:My son is in 8th grade and I will ocassionally refer to the fact we are saving for college and sigh or mention something about how expensive college is. When do you start the real deal talk about costs and loans and alll of that more seriously? My husband and I have strong feelings on not paying for elite privates if there are solid cheaper options available, but dont want to discourage or pick a fight too soon for nothing.

Absolutely you discuss this with your child now!

Kids are not stupid you raise them financially literate.

Stop with the moral omg "elite privates" crap.

That is not how you frame it.

Colleges are businesses now you show your kid what the finances are and you let them decide. You tell them what you can afford and it is up to them if they take loans for an expensive lax. They are adults. If you taught them finanical literacy they will understand.

If you were a moron and sent them to a private school for their HS education and then say no to "elite privates" you failed them financially.

Anonymous wrote:Why are you sighing and complaining about college costs to your kid (in 8th grade!)? It’s not his fault you had him and are choosing to pay for his college.

DP and good point. Stop that now. And why do you think it will be a fight? Not all kids want $$$$ school. My senior picked a very reasonable school that’s a great fit and has massive guilt over the cost still. We keep telling him it’s totally affordable.