Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m literally being told by the divorced dads: I want a family structure; I want another kid; I have money and can support a family.

Yeah, they do. They also want someone to do the household stuff (best case, split the load). They do not want to be solely responsible for household and kid stuff. Which is fine, I don't either, but the big question is why did they divorce then?

I divorced when my kids were 15 and 13. I dated but didn't marry until one was graduated from university and the other was a junior in college. I ran my household perfectly fine on my own, and I effectively had 90% physical custody as the kids didn't want to live with their mother for a variety of reasons. Men run their households just fine, thank you very much. And the fact that you automatically slandered an entire gender with this trope indicates lazy, archaic thinking and likely more than a touch of bitterness and projection. You're just not in touch with the real world and your misandry is revolting. Be better.

Maybe take heart in the fact that you defy the stereotype, rather than attacking a woman for pointing that out to you. Most men don’t run households, period. It’s great that you do. But acknowledging the infrequency of that is not misandry.

Different poster. It isn't infrequent at all. It is a perpetuating of a stereotype that men do little at home and aren't capable of managing a home. Just repeating it doesn't make it true. Most of what is on this thread is misandry. Studies of men and their reasons for staying or leaving a marriage give far more complex and nuanced responses than the nastiness leveled here.

You are lying. A simple google search will lead you to real facts. Only 7% of US households are ran by single fathers.

What year is that statistic from?

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there are a lot of men, at least not in the DMV, who are already divorced with kids by their mid-30s and who can support another set of kids.

Agree. The mid 30s thing really threw me. Many people here get married mid 30s after their terminal degree and a few relocations.

Maybe Op knows a lot of Southerners who immediately married their high school sweetheart or college frat guy.

According to the CDC Stats on Marriage and Divorce, men remarry in 3.3 years and women remarry in 3.1 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They just want a bang-nanny. Don’t fall for it!

What's wrong with that?
Is having a good life not cool?

Don't fall for what?

It's a big question who is going to have a good life - him or OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m literally being told by the divorced dads: I want a family structure; I want another kid; I have money and can support a family.

Yeah, they do. They also want someone to do the household stuff (best case, split the load). They do not want to be solely responsible for household and kid stuff. Which is fine, I don't either, but the big question is why did they divorce then?

I divorced when my kids were 15 and 13. I dated but didn't marry until one was graduated from university and the other was a junior in college. I ran my household perfectly fine on my own, and I effectively had 90% physical custody as the kids didn't want to live with their mother for a variety of reasons. Men run their households just fine, thank you very much. And the fact that you automatically slandered an entire gender with this trope indicates lazy, archaic thinking and likely more than a touch of bitterness and projection. You're just not in touch with the real world and your misandry is revolting. Be better.

Maybe take heart in the fact that you defy the stereotype, rather than attacking a woman for pointing that out to you. Most men don’t run households, period. It’s great that you do. But acknowledging the infrequency of that is not misandry.

Different poster. It isn't infrequent at all. It is a perpetuating of a stereotype that men do little at home and aren't capable of managing a home. Just repeating it doesn't make it true. Most of what is on this thread is misandry. Studies of men and their reasons for staying or leaving a marriage give far more complex and nuanced responses than the nastiness leveled here.

You are lying. A simple google search will lead you to real facts. Only 7% of US households are ran by single fathers.

Anonymous wrote:They just want a bang-nanny. Don’t fall for it!

What's wrong with that?
Is having a good life not cool?

Don't fall for what?

Being divorced is a tag they want to remove and by remarrying they prove their worthiness and desirability to their social circle and also to their ex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m literally being told by the divorced dads: I want a family structure; I want another kid; I have money and can support a family.

Yeah, they do. They also want someone to do the household stuff (best case, split the load). They do not want to be solely responsible for household and kid stuff. Which is fine, I don't either, but the big question is why did they divorce then?

I divorced when my kids were 15 and 13. I dated but didn't marry until one was graduated from university and the other was a junior in college. I ran my household perfectly fine on my own, and I effectively had 90% physical custody as the kids didn't want to live with their mother for a variety of reasons. Men run their households just fine, thank you very much. And the fact that you automatically slandered an entire gender with this trope indicates lazy, archaic thinking and likely more than a touch of bitterness and projection. You're just not in touch with the real world and your misandry is revolting. Be better.

Maybe take heart in the fact that you defy the stereotype, rather than attacking a woman for pointing that out to you. Most men don’t run households, period. It’s great that you do. But acknowledging the infrequency of that is not misandry.

Different poster. It isn't infrequent at all. It is a perpetuating of a stereotype that men do little at home and aren't capable of managing a home. Just repeating it doesn't make it true. Most of what is on this thread is misandry. Studies of men and their reasons for staying or leaving a marriage give far more complex and nuanced responses than the nastiness leveled here.

Anonymous wrote:Please tell us where these men are and what they do professionally. I do not know anyone who got married and divorced and, in their mid-30s, also makes enough to support two families. I have trouble believing (despite what they are telling you on dates) that they are financially savvy.

My bf is a biglaw partner.

Another guy I dated briefly is a Distinguished Engineer at a F500 on track to retire at 47 (hes been into FIRE since he graduated college).

Anonymous wrote:A lot of these divorces happened because women got sick of taking care of them. It's exhausting and men weren't picking up their slack. So many of my divorced friends say that now when their kids go to dad's house, it's the first free time they've had since kids were born. Clearly men liked having a built in housekeeper and they want to replicate that.

+ a million

These men don't want to get their lives together on their own, they want a woman to swoop in and do it for them.

I would only marry a divorced guy if he'd been living on his own for at least two years, with a functioning household he'd set up himself. Same standard I'd use for a never-married guy -- I want him to show me that he's capable of figuring out how to keep a house clean, feed himself a healthy diet, maintain his own social life, etc. I do not want a "project" or to rescue some idiot man from himself. If he has kids (and personally I wouldn't marry a man with kids), I'd want to see that he has fatherhood on lock, good relationships, shows up for them, no chaos around scheduling and school and his kids are doing well with friends and activities and normal lives. I'd want to see a good relationship with the ex, too -- functional co-parents who don't bad mouth each other to their kids, make decisions in an equitable and functional way, etc.

If you have a savior complex and get a kick out of a man coming to you looking for you to complete and fix his life, take a moment and imagine that YOU are sick or injured and need someone, not even to take care of you, but just to manage your household and kids on his own without you for a little while. You think this man desperate for a replacement wife ASAP is going to be able to do that?

Anonymous wrote:They just want a bang-nanny. Don’t fall for it!

Exactly. A few of my friends and exes got remarried pretty quickly (within 5 years) because they definitely could not handle their kids 50% of the time. I wouldn’t remarry unless you want kids. And I absolutely would not have kids with someone who already has them since that’s the quickest way for everyone, but especially his existing kids, to be absolutely miserable.

I would be so disappointed and embarrassed if my single and childless DC was dating a divorced man with kids.

Anonymous wrote:I’m literally being told by the divorced dads: I want a family structure; I want another kid; I have money and can support a family.

This involves being part of a blended family--it's really difficult. My best friend went down this path and she's really struggling. Issues with the kids, her husband's ex-wife (and new husband), and soon her own kid on top of all of this--it's a lot.

Anonymous wrote:Please tell us where these men are and what they do professionally. I do not know anyone who got married and divorced and, in their mid-30s, also makes enough to support two families. I have trouble believing (despite what they are telling you on dates) that they are financially savvy.

You sound like you're looking to be a SAHM. Most divorced men don't have exes who were SAHMs -- they had exes with jobs. None of the divorced men I know are supporting their ex and the kids on their own. They split assets down the middle with no support payments at all because they make around the same as their ex and can provide about the same for their kids. It's DC -- it's lots of dual income professional couples where both people have decent paying jobs and grad degrees.

In this situation, pairing off with another white collar professional is often extra desirable because the one aspect of your life that suffers most from divorce is housing -- you have to sell the family house it to split the proceeds, or one person has to buy the other one out, and housing here is so pricy. But if you can take the proceeds from your sale of the family home and combine your income with another UMC professional, you can return to pretty much the same quality of life as pre-divorce pretty easily.

Now, if you are a single woman looking for a man to support her while she stays home, none of this is going to work for you. But most late-30s single women have careers and are fine working after they marry. If you wanted to SAHM you should have prioritized finding a man in your 20s, preferably via church or synagogue, because the men who want SAHMs usually marry early.

I don't think there are a lot of men, at least not in the DMV, who are already divorced with kids by their mid-30s and who can support another set of kids.