Anonymous wrote:We bought a house with a gorgeous pond in the backyard. There was a really beautiful low hanging branch from a flowering tree right over the water. In the summer, with the water lilies and flowing water it was one of my favorite things in our house. One day, to be “helpful” my husband went to go clear the weeds from the pond and instead of pulling vines or actual weeds, he decided he should cut the branch over the water because according to him it was blocking the sun.

When I saw what he did, I cried.

It probably took a good decade for the branch to grow to that size and there was no fixing it. The worst part is that he tried to argue that butchering the tree was a good thing. Hatred is not a strong enough word for how I felt in that moment. I’m still not over it tbh

Love how he invalidated your view that the flowering branch as beautiful to protect himself and blame you and continue on how correct he surely was. And didn’t communicate before doing it! Yet you said multiple times how pretty it was.

And think, all he had to do was talk about it first.

Or all he had to do was apologize right away. Then everyone would have moved on, dumb stuff like that would t happen again, and we wouldn’t be on DCUM hearing about his doubling down DARVO reaction to his dumb tree cutting.

Anonymous wrote:I don't view laundry as trying to be helpful unless done by a child.

So there's that.

Adults should know how to manage laundry.


As others have pointed out there's also context .

???! I absolutely expect my husband to do laundry. And he usually does a great job, but sometimes he gets is wrong nbd.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Forgot I posted this!

For context, my coworker's husband was cleaning the house, and while she normally cleans the area she does her hobby in, she's been picking up a lot of extra shifts at work and he was trying to help her out because it's gotten dusty (according to her). He accidentally knocked over a machine she uses and it broke. She lost it on him and in the process of venting about it at work, it sparked the discussion about how we would have reacted/have reacted.

I accidentally ruined something of DH's that shouldn't have gone in the dishwasher and he accidentally ruined an item of clothing in the dryer. Not a big deal and now we both pay extra attention or ask the other person if we aren't sure.

I mean, she has a right to be upset. She is entitled to her feelings. She isn’t divorcing the man over it so not a big deal honestly. Comparing her hobby that she invests time and money into to laundry is crazy to me. Also, saying what you would have done or how you would have reacted to something that you do not partake in (that particular hobby) is also crazy to me.

My wife would loose it if she was the "victim", I wouldn't give it a second though if I was the "victim".

Anonymous wrote:The thing they ruined is replaceable but costly and this 100% came from a place of spouse trying to be helpful.

In the example used in the discussion with my coworkers, Spouse A ruined something related to Spouse B's hobby. But it could also be something like spouse was trying to help with laundry and put something in the dryer that shouldn't have gone in.

FWIW, DH and I have both done this to each other, thought thankfully nothing outrageously expensive was ruined. There was no yelling or even really being that mad. There was annoyance but then we moved on. And DH and I sure as hell paid more attention to things going forward.

DH ruined a very expensive cashmere sweater and a silk top. I was really disappointed and sad. It was literally my favorite sweater! To show him what he did I squeezed myself into the tiny top- which came above my belly and the sleeves just past my elbows. Then I proceeded to act as normal as I could. He came in seeing this sweater and just started laughing. Seriously, I looked like a popped Pillsbury dough canister. Then I said “I thought you wanted it this way because you made it this way. Let’s go out. I’ll wear my favorite sweater.” Then I gave the sweater to my daughter and it fit her perfectly. He was trying to be helpful and got it dead wrong. He felt bad so no point in belaboring the issue. Mistakes happen - even to expensive sweaters.

Every now and then there's a DCUM thread that makes clear why so many people on this site's marriages are so bad. Material things are not worth hating your spouse over.

We bought a house with a gorgeous pond in the backyard. There was a really beautiful low hanging branch from a flowering tree right over the water. In the summer, with the water lilies and flowing water it was one of my favorite things in our house. One day, to be “helpful” my husband went to go clear the weeds from the pond and instead of pulling vines or actual weeds, he decided he should cut the branch over the water because according to him it was blocking the sun.

When I saw what he did, I cried.

It probably took a good decade for the branch to grow to that size and there was no fixing it. The worst part is that he tried to argue that butchering the tree was a good thing. Hatred is not a strong enough word for how I felt in that moment. I’m still not over it tbh

Op here. Forgot I posted this!

For context, my coworker's husband was cleaning the house, and while she normally cleans the area she does her hobby in, she's been picking up a lot of extra shifts at work and he was trying to help her out because it's gotten dusty (according to her). He accidentally knocked over a machine she uses and it broke. She lost it on him and in the process of venting about it at work, it sparked the discussion about how we would have reacted/have reacted.

I accidentally ruined something of DH's that shouldn't have gone in the dishwasher and he accidentally ruined an item of clothing in the dryer. Not a big deal and now we both pay extra attention or ask the other person if we aren't sure.

Anonymous wrote:The thing they ruined is replaceable but costly and this 100% came from a place of spouse trying to be helpful.

In the example used in the discussion with my coworkers, Spouse A ruined something related to Spouse B's hobby. But it could also be something like spouse was trying to help with laundry and put something in the dryer that shouldn't have gone in.

FWIW, DH and I have both done this to each other, thought thankfully nothing outrageously expensive was ruined. There was no yelling or even really being that mad. There was annoyance but then we moved on. And DH and I sure as hell paid more attention to things going forward.

I’d think he was a careless idiot and lose trust in him. Doubly so if he was ruining things quite frequently.

The thing is with careless people, they actually believe everyone is the same as them. They cannot fathom someone else being careful or planning or thinking through things. Thus they ridicule that thought or person. And go about their accident-prone life of ignorance.

Anonymous wrote:The thing they ruined is replaceable but costly and this 100% came from a place of spouse trying to be helpful.

In the example used in the discussion with my coworkers, Spouse A ruined something related to Spouse B's hobby. But it could also be something like spouse was trying to help with laundry and put something in the dryer that shouldn't have gone in.

FWIW, DH and I have both done this to each other, thought thankfully nothing outrageously expensive was ruined. There was no yelling or even really being that mad. There was annoyance but then we moved on. And DH and I sure as hell paid more attention to things going forward.

Was it a sex toy ?

If yes, then it may have been an intentional act of jealousy. Clearly, divorce is the only answer; but this raises the issue of whether to divorce the spouse or the implement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Context matters.

If there’s a history of them ruining my things and shrugging it off with “oops! Mistakes happen!” I’d be furious. To me that divorce-worthy.

A one time mistake and they replace the item? I’d forgive.

This.

One off rare accident, they apologize and sensibly set to make it right? Ok work through it.

Pattern of mindless, thoughtless, careless “accidents?” Not OK.
Followed by a Pattern of excuses, blaming others, no real apology, no real vow to do better? Way not OK.
They need habit changes, accountability, DBT therapy.

My spouse is like this. Carelessly ruins things and then even when asked what happened in a calm neutral tone, tosses blame back. I think it's ADHD. I don't know anything about DBT. How would it help?

DBT, if he agrees to do it, is helpful because it baby steps through social and executive functioning skills and habits until the person masters them.
It’s great for adhd and asd kids, but they have to commit and do it.
It meets in person or zoom 1-2x a week, has modules, and you have to habitualize your habits to pass each module. Then move to the next. So it could take 9 -15 mos depending on if you are actually doing the work.

Things like Greet your spouse and kids each morning; how to manage your anger; Make your bed; tidy up the kitchen before tv time, how to regulate your emotions; how to have difficult conversations, etc.
It has frameworks for everything. Which is useful for people who don’t have a healthy instinct or process. And it makes them practice it so more muscle memory.

As you can imagine, getting a grown man to do this may be difficult. There is a phenomenon woman in Arlington, VA and works/worked at Georgetown system for a long time who takes adults. Chesapeake in MoCo takes kids, maybe they take adults now too.

Anonymous wrote:If it can be easily replaced, get over it.

Sounds like the chronically irresponsible loser should be replaced. Imagine how many fewer setbacks you’d have each week!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weponized incompetence needs to be shamed and not tolerated.

Ha! Tell my DH. Sometimes I think he does it purposefully so expectations are almost nonexistent.

He does it as a power and control move.

He’s too immature to be a man and lead, so he leads by withholding. Being late. Not doing something. Doing things half-@$$ed and wrong. Ruining things. And then feeling good about the (negative) power and control he has over you and life.

The home is only as functional as the most dysfunctional person!

My ex ruined so many things in my house, it may have been from a “helping” plane but it was reckless and thoughtless and often without consulting me
Wish I’d sued him for the damages

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weponized incompetence needs to be shamed and not tolerated.

Ha! Tell my DH. Sometimes I think he does it purposefully so expectations are almost nonexistent.

I bight the PassiveAggressive Male book year 3 of my marriage, wondering WTF was going in with him, dropping the ball, not doing what he agreed to do, forgetting decisions we made together, etc.

Truly pathetic, selfish “partner”. Boy did he drop his mask once life in an apartment and dinners out all the time stopped.