I did this for parents. Logistically, be prepared to do almost all the work. They thought about it for years and toured a couple places. I went with them on their favorite and read the documents and figured out if it was affordable for them and how to move the money etc. When there was availability they said yes but had no idea of next steps. Moving company I hired was a big help. They were kind and sat down with them and gave them tips and color codes tags for keep, maybe and not keeping and had suggestions. They later spent some time doing this exercise and just that wore them down. I took over the majority from there and moved the move date way up because even the thought of the transition was taking a major toll. I took carloads away to donation centers and dumps. Distributed some items to family members with their blessing. I arranged everything regarding selling their house and movers and junk haulers. The worst part was the stress I could see on my parents during this relatively short window of a months. They took took many chances of reaching things and climbing on things and I would get angry at the risks they were taking while I was trying to orchestrate this whole thing. For the last week I surprised them with pack your bags for a few days - you are staying at my house while I finish. They were relieved and it was much better not to have them present for the home stretch and watch their things go away. Got there favorite keep items moved in and arranged and then took them to their new place. The next weeks were tremendous to get their house on market. It was an awful time and I was physically and emotionally exhausted but it got done. They moved about three to five years after they should have, I concluded. I was a little old for all this concentrated effort myself frankly. Also know that a big move sets the elderly back for awhile until they adjust.

So my suggestion to OP is get them on a couple waitlists or identify a couple options, sit down with them and make a list of what they want to definitely keep (have them think of it while sitting at a table versus walking around the house so the really important things rise to the top) and start clearing everything you can on visits while they are deciding. The action might help them move forward with a decision. If not, some of your work will already be done. When it happens do it as quickly as possible. Don’t drag it out. Make a couple weeks timeline and stick to it. Get an idea of their money and resources while they can still explain it to you so you know what parameters you are working within. The role reversal is tough. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:This is where I am with my mom. I have been trying to get her to realize that aging in place at her current home is not going to work. Her laundry room is down stairs and she has trouble with stairs. We talked about moving her washer and dryer upstairs. We talked about moving her computer upstairs. She just resists. I took her car shopping to find a car that she can get in and out of easier. Nope. She won't do anything. I have resigned myself to waiting for a crisis. I can only do so much. I hate watching this unfold.

This. Same situation with my parents. The laundry room is downstairs. They have to carry all their laundry up and down the stairs, too. I can't imagine how they are pulling this off. Their whole setup is an accident waiting to happen, and there's no way to stop it because they refuse to accept help or the idea that a more manageable two-bedroom condo will do wonders for them and basically keep them alive.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe seniors who are treated like babies act like babies. How did Warren Buffett work until 95.

As a very wealthy man, he has a lot of resources and most likely extra support taking a lot of things off his desk he shouldn't have to or doesn't want to bother with. He's not getting stressed out over middle-class crap like fighting with health insurance companies or trying to get someone to fix a broken boiler so he has heat, for example. He's probably not parked in front of cable tv all day getting stressed out over things he can't control, either. He's too busy for the usual nonsense most of us see our elderly parents contending with.

My guess is Buffett is generally in good health-- much better health than Trump who is around 15 years younger than him. You don't get to his place in life eating McDonalds and avoiding true exercise (driving around in a golf car is not exercise). He probably also has people who he pays well and may even genuinely like him and want to help him out and make sure he's doing well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's how many of you treat your parents' agency and autonomy. It very self centered and disregards that this is the time the parents want to enjoy their space. They don't want to live in a daycare center during their last years. Allowing parents to age in their home is a gift that , for the adult children who understand, that is unmatched.

+1

I get that, but it depends on how autonomous and capable of making decisions they really are. It shouldn't feel like you're leaving two nine-year-olds at home for hours on end wondering every day if they remembered to turn off the stove or if the front yard is overgrown because they can't handle the work involved. Or if they remembered to lock the front door.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t want to be the bearer of bad news…but it’s likely too late for your parents. Seems like around 75ish, elderly suffer from decision paralysis. They will say all the right things, but it’s too late for them to actually do it.

Save your sanity and stop trying to make it happen and spend your time finding the facility they will have to enter when an emergency forces the issue.

NP here. This is where my parents are at, mid-70s and unable to make any big decisions regarding moving or really anything else that requires a little planning. Years ago they had talked about taking cruises and buying a second home in a scenic area they enjoy, but they never did any of those things. Never went anywhere, and they certainly have the money for it. Decision paralysis is a great way to describe what I've been seeing. Rather than enjoy their retirement and change things up to make themselves more comfortable-- their house, which they've been in for 40+ years, is too big for them to manage and they are too stubborn to hire a housekeeping and landscaping services. (My father would rather keel over pushing the lawnmower than hire a team of migrants, but that's another story.)

Maybe seniors who are treated like babies act like babies. How did Warren Buffett work until 95.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's how many of you treat your parents' agency and autonomy. It very self centered and disregards that this is the time the parents want to enjoy their space. They don't want to live in a daycare center during their last years. Allowing parents to age in their home is a gift that , for the adult children who understand, that is unmatched.

I get this, but a lot of parents expect their kids to do a ton of free labor to make this happen. And this is all at the same time that these “kids” are working and trying to raise their own families. The “kids” may have to set some firm boundaries. Because you aren’t “living independently” at age 80 if your kids need to shop for you, come help you get up every time you fall, transport you to the doctor 3 times a month, and make sure your house is clean. You may not be in daycare, but you essentially need a full time nanny.

I’m not willing to be an unpaid nanny for a parent while also raising my child with profound special needs who needs 24/7 care, working a full time job and being a mom to a more typical middle school kid. Heck, I outsource a bunch of the care for my kid with profound SN because I’m exhausted by 16 years of changing her diapers. I’m not adding dad’s diapers to my to do list. So if my dad wants to live on his own and basically just eat lean cuisines and call an ambulance when he falls, good for him. I’m not mad about it. I’m not arguing with him about it. And if he dies earlier “living his best life” then good for him. But I’m also not enabling all this.

Not everyone needs this much care though, or can afford that level of care even if they sell their home. Idk about lean cuisine and not even calling a child if you fall, there is a whole lot of middle ground between forgotten, sad misery from staying at home alone and a very expensive facility with 24/7 care.

Anonymous wrote:It's how many of you treat your parents' agency and autonomy. It very self centered and disregards that this is the time the parents want to enjoy their space. They don't want to live in a daycare center during their last years. Allowing parents to age in their home is a gift that , for the adult children who understand, that is unmatched.

I get this, but a lot of parents expect their kids to do a ton of free labor to make this happen. And this is all at the same time that these “kids” are working and trying to raise their own families. The “kids” may have to set some firm boundaries. Because you aren’t “living independently” at age 80 if your kids need to shop for you, come help you get up every time you fall, transport you to the doctor 3 times a month, and make sure your house is clean. You may not be in daycare, but you essentially need a full time nanny.

I’m not willing to be an unpaid nanny for a parent while also raising my child with profound special needs who needs 24/7 care, working a full time job and being a mom to a more typical middle school kid. Heck, I outsource a bunch of the care for my kid with profound SN because I’m exhausted by 16 years of changing her diapers. I’m not adding dad’s diapers to my to do list. So if my dad wants to live on his own and basically just eat lean cuisines and call an ambulance when he falls, good for him. I’m not mad about it. I’m not arguing with him about it. And if he dies earlier “living his best life” then good for him. But I’m also not enabling all this.

Anonymous wrote:It's how many of you treat your parents' agency and autonomy. It very self centered and disregards that this is the time the parents want to enjoy their space. They don't want to live in a daycare center during their last years. Allowing parents to age in their home is a gift that , for the adult children who understand, that is unmatched.

+1

It's how many of you treat your parents' agency and autonomy. It very self centered and disregards that this is the time the parents want to enjoy their space. They don't want to live in a daycare center during their last years. Allowing parents to age in their home is a gift that , for the adult children who understand, that is unmatched.

It took my dad being in the last year of a terminal illness for my parents to downsize and move. My sibling had lived with them for over a year during the illness and offered to help declutter for an eventual move and he was shut down hard every time. He had to move out of state for work eventually and they decided to move and a family friend came and did EVERYTHING for them. To this day I wonder if anyone knows how much my sibling sacrificed with caretaking with very little appreciation expressed, and how many times he offered to help sort and donate/give away/trash all their stuff. It def looks like we left my parents in the lurch, even though that wasn't the case.

OP - if your parents have a definite place in mind then they should go with you to see the place as mentioned and to get on the likely waiting list for a basic fee. They may be able to set a goal date to move in a year or even two out as friends have done here. It was explained that if offered an opening, you do not go to the bottom of the list, the next person is simply asked. But check on that policy, too. For a place adding units, it woukd be ideal to set a movein date and work to be ready to go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The moment when they could move themselves was 10 years ago, OP. They only seem competent because they're stuck in their routine. Any time they are forced out of it, they won't manage well.

You need to do EVERYTHING for them. Find the nursing home, move them with their essentials, secure the paperwork and valuables you want the family to keep, then hire an estate sale company who will sort through the stuff in the house and sell it while the property is up for sale. You can look up estate sale companies in your parents' area.

But you need to present this as something you can easily do, and they shouldn't worry (they will, because they have nothing else to do). And they might still fight you every step of the way. The key is to understand that they cannot do anything themselves anymore, even if they insist they can, and persist in trying to intervene.

This is insane. Sounds like the parents are still legally competent.

Legally competent and actually competent are two very different things.

Yes, the latter means you can’t force them to do anything they don’t want to do.

Anonymous wrote:Similar situation with my parents who are in their early 80s. Can't make a decision on anything. Both had successful management careers but at this age, they just can't handle it.

I'm glad we got their funeral arrangements paid and decided years ago, and they also did a downsizing cleaning back then too (that took 1-2 months).

Now I pretty much just make decisions for them and they do trust I'm making the best ones for them (which I am).

Makes you wonder how we have people in power at ages like this.. faced with all kinds of decisions every day.

Honestly the way that works is their chief of staff is functionally a senator. Congress is the world's greatest retirement facility-- great health care, tons of activities, and a staff to handle everything and cater to your ego 24/7.

Similar situation with my parents who are in their early 80s. Can't make a decision on anything. Both had successful management careers but at this age, they just can't handle it.

I'm glad we got their funeral arrangements paid and decided years ago, and they also did a downsizing cleaning back then too (that took 1-2 months).

Now I pretty much just make decisions for them and they do trust I'm making the best ones for them (which I am).

Makes you wonder how we have people in power at ages like this.. faced with all kinds of decisions every day.