NP. Leaving due to his infidelity and gaslighting. We tried to stay for kids but he never attempted working on our relationship shop, and I walled him out. We tolerated each other for a few years longer than we wanted. I left because I don’t want my kids thinking this is what a marriage looks and feels like. Kids pick up on distance / coldness. They are young… and I hate that we have split custody. But we are all happier when it’s just me and kids, or him and kids.

Anonymous wrote:You have your dignity, because you refused to let someone betray you. That counts.

This dignity crap is toxic AF.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:51 M who didn’t leave and stayed for the kids. The years I have invested with the kids have been great, but I regret every minute of the marriage. I am not an ahole or addict, just a guy who apparently became too safe for a SAHM to stay faithful. I wish I had left before and am filing early next year.

Hopefully, I can find someone who can love me after ~20 years of loneliness and now having a STD from my kids Dear Mom. I will never get my life back, but maybe I can build a new one before I die. If not, at least I will no longer dread coming home.

With all due respect, sounds like you haven’t done the work yet. I have said as much to two of my female friends who play victim 100% of the time after their DHs cheated too.

They are victims.

But it sounds like this man burned his feelings and it ate away at him. (Not to mention how damaging it must have been for their kids to grow up with this sad dynamic.)

Everyone should get therapy if they live through the trauma of infidelity.

You have your dignity, because you refused to let someone betray you. That counts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you regret it? Are you happy/at peace? What’s your age? I am in the process and feeling so stressed out. Should I have pulled a Hilary Clinton? All thoughts coming to mind that I cannot live with

1) No regrets
2) Yes, happy.
3) 54

You are you, not Hillary Clinton.

Act with dignity.

Do you have kids? How old were you? Do the kids know the reason?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you regret it? Are you happy/at peace? What’s your age? I am in the process and feeling so stressed out. Should I have pulled a Hilary Clinton? All thoughts coming to mind that I cannot live with

1) No regrets
2) Yes, happy.
3) 54

You are you, not Hillary Clinton.

Act with dignity.

Whoever you are- I LOVE this!!

Anonymous wrote:"I'm divorcing due to infidelity and I'm not getting a good settlement. The court doesn't GAF about infidelity. It's also astonishing to me that his lies get past the judge. It's sociopathic. His lawyer has said many many times "our offer to her is NOTHING". And that's what they intend to do. But I'm still happier than when I had to live with him. But let's dispel the myth of the good settlement. The other party has to be somewhat amenable to it and if they aren't then the lawyers get all the money. (He chose to litigate, I requested mediation. The lawyers are having a great time!)"

I find this sort of thing to be really confusing. What's the reason you think you should get anything other than the default, which is keeping what you brought to the marriage and didn't comingle, and half of the assets earned during the marriage? If you're happy with that, then just go with what a judge decides. The child support is pretty much going to follow a formula. There are guidelines they have to follow (unless you're in some wacky state like Virginia where judges get to run wild). If you're asking for alimony on top of that, what's the reason you need his help to support yourself if you're an adult of working age?

Also, he can only "litigate" if you're litigating. Just stop and let the judge make a decision. He has to disclose his financial docs, and so do you. The judge then decides. The only reason that things drag on when they're in front of a judge is if you aren't agreeing to the defaults/guidelines.

Eyeroll. He won't settle and he won't offer anything and he keeps lying to the judge and stalling. I have offered reasonable settlements 3x already. His response: "I want a trial". Why do I deserve money? Because I put my career on the back burner to raise kids so he could build his highly lucrative career and travel 6-8x a month. I missed a ton of opportunities in my field and now I've aged out. So, yeah, I'll take some alimony.

Anonymous wrote:Do you regret it? Are you happy/at peace? What’s your age? I am in the process and feeling so stressed out. Should I have pulled a Hilary Clinton? All thoughts coming to mind that I cannot live with

1) No regrets
2) Yes, happy.
3) 54

You are you, not Hillary Clinton.

Act with dignity.

OP: doubt he will litigate as AP will be in court in that case and he cannot afford that.

For this of you with kids, did you let them know why you divorced?

"I'm divorcing due to infidelity and I'm not getting a good settlement. The court doesn't GAF about infidelity. It's also astonishing to me that his lies get past the judge. It's sociopathic. His lawyer has said many many times "our offer to her is NOTHING". And that's what they intend to do. But I'm still happier than when I had to live with him. But let's dispel the myth of the good settlement. The other party has to be somewhat amenable to it and if they aren't then the lawyers get all the money. (He chose to litigate, I requested mediation. The lawyers are having a great time!)"

I find this sort of thing to be really confusing. What's the reason you think you should get anything other than the default, which is keeping what you brought to the marriage and didn't comingle, and half of the assets earned during the marriage? If you're happy with that, then just go with what a judge decides. The child support is pretty much going to follow a formula. There are guidelines they have to follow (unless you're in some wacky state like Virginia where judges get to run wild). If you're asking for alimony on top of that, what's the reason you need his help to support yourself if you're an adult of working age?

Also, he can only "litigate" if you're litigating. Just stop and let the judge make a decision. He has to disclose his financial docs, and so do you. The judge then decides. The only reason that things drag on when they're in front of a judge is if you aren't agreeing to the defaults/guidelines.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:51 M who didn’t leave and stayed for the kids. The years I have invested with the kids have been great, but I regret every minute of the marriage. I am not an ahole or addict, just a guy who apparently became too safe for a SAHM to stay faithful. I wish I had left before and am filing early next year.

Hopefully, I can find someone who can love me after ~20 years of loneliness and now having a STD from my kids Dear Mom. I will never get my life back, but maybe I can build a new one before I die. If not, at least I will no longer dread coming home.

With all due respect, sounds like you haven’t done the work yet. I have said as much to two of my female friends who play victim 100% of the time after their DHs cheated too.

NP

you sound insane.

agree. shocking that PP even has friends, but they are certainly projecting a lot about their own life on their friends and an anonymous internet poster.

My divorce was due to infidelity but it was over 20 years ago. I have to say, it was one of my top 5 best major life decisions. Life got so much better after getting rid of her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:51 M who didn’t leave and stayed for the kids. The years I have invested with the kids have been great, but I regret every minute of the marriage. I am not an ahole or addict, just a guy who apparently became too safe for a SAHM to stay faithful. I wish I had left before and am filing early next year.

Hopefully, I can find someone who can love me after ~20 years of loneliness and now having a STD from my kids Dear Mom. I will never get my life back, but maybe I can build a new one before I die. If not, at least I will no longer dread coming home.

With all due respect, sounds like you haven’t done the work yet. I have said as much to two of my female friends who play victim 100% of the time after their DHs cheated too.

NP

you sound insane.

OP - if you don't have kids, yes
Op - if you do have kids, yes
because they will never respect you if you stay,
they will be worse off. They likely will put-up with a cheater when they marry, just like their Mom did.

Anonymous wrote:51 M who didn’t leave and stayed for the kids. The years I have invested with the kids have been great, but I regret every minute of the marriage. I am not an ahole or addict, just a guy who apparently became too safe for a SAHM to stay faithful. I wish I had left before and am filing early next year.

Hopefully, I can find someone who can love me after ~20 years of loneliness and now having a STD from my kids Dear Mom. I will never get my life back, but maybe I can build a new one before I die. If not, at least I will no longer dread coming home.

With all due respect, sounds like you haven’t done the work yet. I have said as much to two of my female friends who play victim 100% of the time after their DHs cheated too.