Anonymous wrote:My child was also kicked out of preschool so I have BTDT. There are some, but very few, preschools that can (or are willing to) handle an aggressive child. We found TNP through the Lourie School in Rockville to be tremendous and they even helped with placement into kindergarten. Child Find is a long process, so I would still look for a preschool that might work for your child. An alternate route that we used was getting a special needs trained au pair who practiced her skills with our son- she was incredible and is still so close to us.

I know you don't think your child has a disability, but being aggressive and getting kicked out of preschool kind of lends itself to the idea that your child might. In the early ages, a child with a disability is coded as Developmental Delay and generally keeps that label until the child is 7 and more information can be formed as to what is going on. A developmental delay is just what it sounds like- your child is not developing at the same timeline as expected, which is true in this case with emotional regulation.

Don't be surprised if that aggression turns to later diagnoses like anxiety, ADHD, autism, etc... Be on the lookout for signs as early intervention is your best bet.

You've got this!

Happened to my nephew. His vision was the problem and he acted aggressively because he could not see well enough

We did therapy for our 3 year old after our school threatened to kick him out unless we got a behavioral aide, which at our private school would have meant an extra 20k+ a year in tuition. We used Dr. Adelia and did PCIT with her. We loved her! She also worked directly with the school which helped a lot. https://www.doctoradelia.com/

And yes I agree with others - get more aggressive. Pay for therapy out of pocket to get some immediate support. There are therapists available if you’re willing to go out of network and get reimbursed or private pay. It is temporary. But preschools need to see that you are very actively addressing this. If you need to target $$ spend more on parent coaching as others have said then on play therapy for the child at this age. You’ll get more bang for your buck and the therapist can help you navigate resources and next steps. If your son is getting kicked out of preschool you should be treating this as a crisis not because of just your childcare but your child has significant needs. I know it’s hard to hear but they are significantly outside the norm of kids their age right now - this was so hard for me to hear! But I needed to understand it to know I needed to act. And with support my son is doing incredibly well, yours can too but not if you try to pretend it’s the school not managing it well or something.

Op my child didn’t get kicked out but would have if in a less supportive preschool program. Aggression was his struggle at that age (emotion regulation issues). He now has an ADHD diagnosis and we were aggressive in approach from the beginning and I am INCREDIBLY grateful for it. Parent coaching from a good therapist + child find to see what school supports you can get + medication as early as you feel comfortable IF it ends up being ADHD which obviously I can’t say but is common for kids that struggle with this in preschool. I think we made a big difference for my son starting meds early, he thrived in K and has ever since. We tried other things first of course but nothing else tends to work that well for adhd/is that evidence based. So get your mind around meds as soon as you can if it’s ADHD because it will greatly benefit your kid and you! That’s my personal opinion (helped multiple other parents through this too! Most wish they’d done it sooner)

Also, don’t get stuck in the OT loop! Everyone goes to OT first because it feels less scary or i think. But OTs can’t give a mental health diagnosis like adhd and in my opinion it can delay diagnosis and access to other much needed supports. A sensory integration disorder diagnosis doesn’t get you anywhere really, it’s not in the DSM. Unless you think autism could be at play. Or if there are some significant sensory things! Then do it in addition sure but don’t do it in replacement of a mental health practitioner that can diagnose. Child find will not diagnose - they will give you lots of great great info, do it! But it is a psychoeducational eval that provides recs to make school accessible not mental health diagnosis.

Get him tested for adhd and get him on meds.

OP, my then-preschool age kid was kicked out of summer camp and we were threatened that he could be kicked out by his preschool for similar reasons. Here’s what we did:

1) full neuropsych evaluation
2) 2 x week OT sessions for sensory concerns
3) weekly social skills group

We worked with our public district to have supports in place when he started K and asked parents at OT for summer camp recs. Now dc is in 1st grade and thriving with minimal supports.

Anonymous wrote:My nephew was kicked out of his daycare for aggression. It was recommended that he do behavior therapy and his mom did 2 weeks of that before declaring it a waste of time.
As he grew into a teen he didn't have many friends. He spent hours playing video games. His mom said he had social anxiety. He wasn't a warm person as he grew into an adult. Despite being very smart and a graduate from a good SLAC he still lives at home and doesn't seem to work at the age of 28.

As a parent of a kid with autism - you can do everything right in terms of therapy and still end up in this place. Just withhold your judgement, it doesn't help.

I don't want to derail this thread and agree op should seek a diagnosis and help, but it's a tough journey and there aren't easy solutions much of the time.

What triggers his aggression? Does he hit and bite at home? Ive known aggressive toddlers and preschoolers who grew out of it with maturity and circumstantial change. Of course sometimes there’s a formal diagnosis, but not as frequently as you might assume.

A good nanny can keep him away from triggering dynamics, improve his sleep and nutrition and shuttle him to weekly OT and whatever else he ends up needing. And similarly to adult therapy, sometimes the steady, reliable relationship itself is therapeutic. Parent can host a few well-designed play dates that will provide more info than preschool reports.

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are you doing at home? What strategies are you employing? How is sleep? You seem to be focused on professionals and schools but you can spend thousands and wait months and ultimately your approach may be more important.

My personal preference is a Janet Lansbury approach (very different from supernanny but similar in that you need very firm boundaries).

I don’t believe daycare causes aggression per se but it’s disingenuous to say that a calm one-on-one nanny and lots more low-stakes time with a regulated parent wouldn’t help. I’ve seen this many times—limiting group care can absolutely help minimize his fight or flight response and improve regulation, especially if you couple with a good private OT

I mean, a nanny solves the problems of daycare but doesn’t actually change anything about the child’s temperament or any disability. BTDT. I definitely recommend a nanny or part time nanny in these circumstances but it doesn’t cure anything.

OP, what are you doing at home? What strategies are you employing? How is sleep? You seem to be focused on professionals and schools but you can spend thousands and wait months and ultimately your approach may be more important.

My personal preference is a Janet Lansbury approach (very different from supernanny but similar in that you need very firm boundaries).

I don’t believe daycare causes aggression per se but it’s disingenuous to say that a calm one-on-one nanny and lots more low-stakes time with a regulated parent wouldn’t help. I’ve seen this many times—limiting group care can absolutely help minimize his fight or flight response and improve regulation, especially if you couple with a good private OT

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your son been in daycare since infancy? Sometimes this can contribute to attachment issues and problems with emotional regulation. A psychodynamic therapist, spending more time with him, and if you absolutely require care, a nurturing nanny, are steps worth considering if this is the situation. I hope good things for you and your child.

If OP’s son has a disability, which may be quite likely, there’s no “nurturing nanny” that is going to make a difference. The thing that made a difference for my ADHD child was a structured preschool classroom with trained sped teachers.

Also, my other kid who was in daycare since 7 months is now a well adjusted, gifted, popular athletic kid who is loved by his teachers. Neurodivergence isn’t about “attachment issues” and also daycare isn’t going to contribute unless you’re talking about a child who has been through trauma and struggles with new caregivers/group settings or the daycare itself is somehow neglectful.

Stop trying to shame people into believing their child’s special needs/behavioral issues are because of their childcare.

It can be due to parenting though even though parents don’t like to admit it.

That’s why I said to watch super nanny. You can often see there are some kids that are perfectly fine with a parenting style and one or two kids in the family are out of controls.

My oldest was so easy. I would just give him a look and he would behave. My second pushed all the boundaries repeatedly. I needed a different Karen ring style for him.

Regardless whether OP gets a diagnosis or not the problem is still going to exist.

I wish there were more parenting coaches like a super nanny who cones into your house, gives tips, records your interactions and tells you how to switch up things.

It would have been helpful when trying to implement a time out/naughty corner to hear - don’t give up it may take 20 times to carry your kid back to it the first few times. And then if you give in two weeks later to restart it, then it might take 30 times.

Some kids are just harder. But maybe that’s who they are and it isn’t disability. I never used corporal punishment but I ended up having to physically move him, seclude in time out in an unlocked room for 4 minutes, and restrain when my son was 4. It was exhausting but it worked.

Guys just ignore the blatant troll. She loves saying ridiculous things and watching people get angry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your son been in daycare since infancy? Sometimes this can contribute to attachment issues and problems with emotional regulation. A psychodynamic therapist, spending more time with him, and if you absolutely require care, a nurturing nanny, are steps worth considering if this is the situation. I hope good things for you and your child.

If OP’s son has a disability, which may be quite likely, there’s no “nurturing nanny” that is going to make a difference. The thing that made a difference for my ADHD child was a structured preschool classroom with trained sped teachers.

Also, my other kid who was in daycare since 7 months is now a well adjusted, gifted, popular athletic kid who is loved by his teachers. Neurodivergence isn’t about “attachment issues” and also daycare isn’t going to contribute unless you’re talking about a child who has been through trauma and struggles with new caregivers/group settings or the daycare itself is somehow neglectful.

Stop trying to shame people into believing their child’s special needs/behavioral issues are because of their childcare.

It can be due to parenting though even though parents don’t like to admit it.

Anonymous wrote:Has your son been in daycare since infancy? Sometimes this can contribute to attachment issues and problems with emotional regulation. A psychodynamic therapist, spending more time with him, and if you absolutely require care, a nurturing nanny, are steps worth considering if this is the situation. I hope good things for you and your child.

If OP’s son has a disability, which may be quite likely, there’s no “nurturing nanny” that is going to make a difference. The thing that made a difference for my ADHD child was a structured preschool classroom with trained sped teachers.

Also, my other kid who was in daycare since 7 months is now a well adjusted, gifted, popular athletic kid who is loved by his teachers. Neurodivergence isn’t about “attachment issues” and also daycare isn’t going to contribute unless you’re talking about a child who has been through trauma and struggles with new caregivers/group settings or the daycare itself is somehow neglectful.

Stop trying to shame people into believing their child’s special needs/behavioral issues are because of their childcare.

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked that your preschool didn't recommend Child Find or the equivalent in your location. That's shocking.

+1

Our preschool basically held our hand through the child find process and let our DS stay for about ~2 months until we could get him placed in a county sped pre k classroom.

Also to give OP a glimmer of hope — my DS is now in a mainstream 3rd grade class and doing great. He still received IEP services to help with emotional regulation, but we have come SO far.