First, congratulations on your pregnancy!

Second, is this real? At 35, you're a grown woman, for God's sakes. If you have the slightest inkling some relatives are "traditional" and grown upon babies before marriage, then why are you having heartfelt conversations with them? You should know what to expect from whom. You should know how to set boundaries and how to get out of conversations you don't want to have. Be rude if necessary!

Third, they're right. Get a civil marriage ASAP. NOW. TODAY. I know you're a modern woman and have therefore been brainwashed with romantic notions of marriage, but it is first and foremost a contract with legal and financial responsibilities towards each spouse and any children. You need this right away, BEFORE the birth, if anything happens to you during labor and delivery. Be cold and calculating when it comes to your financial well-being and that of your child.

Fourth, you can plan the romantic wedding of your dreams whenever you damn well want (ie, after breastfeeding and when you've recovered some of your trim waist and can fit into a lovely dress). Which means a year from now, at least.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly you're 35 years old and your Dad and brother are treating you like a child. Don't let them.

If this guy is going to be your family this is the make or break moment. You don't let your dad or brother disrupt your mutually agreed wedding plans.

It sounds like they don't have any plans

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are worried about you, somewhat overprotective, and know something you don't about your SO. Your SO is a loser who did not marry you right away. I agree with your dad.

What? Sounds like she's about 14 weeks pregnant. They've barely had time to process this news.

OP, it sounds like your father is struggling at both ends of the spectrum. He wants you to be married before the baby comes because that's tradition but he doesn't want you to get married just because you're having a baby. And he just lost his wife and has a new girlfriend so he's a bit all over the place. I know its hard to disappoint your parents but no matter what you do, he will spin it as the wrong thing because he won't be happy no matter what you do. So do what's best for you, marriage or not. Ignore your brother and uncles and lean on your aunts for support.

I have found that in circumstances like yours, there's a lot of drama before the baby comes. And once the baby arrives, that sort of goes out the window. Babies have a way of softening things.

You either want to be married or not. There’s been plenty of time for a courthouse wedding. The shenanigans about designing a ring and “surprise” engagement are just that - shenanigans. If that was what OP really had wanted, she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant before getting those things.

Anonymous wrote:Oh gosh. "Unwed." That word belongs back in 1951.

Nah. We know that babies born to non-married parents experience higher rates of poverty and worse overall conditions. If you can’t legally commit to your partner you’re not going to be a great parent.

Anonymous wrote:They are worried about you, somewhat overprotective, and know something you don't about your SO. Your SO is a loser who did not marry you right away. I agree with your dad.

What? Sounds like she's about 14 weeks pregnant. They've barely had time to process this news.

OP, it sounds like your father is struggling at both ends of the spectrum. He wants you to be married before the baby comes because that's tradition but he doesn't want you to get married just because you're having a baby. And he just lost his wife and has a new girlfriend so he's a bit all over the place. I know its hard to disappoint your parents but no matter what you do, he will spin it as the wrong thing because he won't be happy no matter what you do. So do what's best for you, marriage or not. Ignore your brother and uncles and lean on your aunts for support.

I have found that in circumstances like yours, there's a lot of drama before the baby comes. And once the baby arrives, that sort of goes out the window. Babies have a way of softening things.

Go to the Courthouse and get married. Take immediate family or just witnesses. Do it asap before the baby comes. Depending on due date, could be Jan 2 simplifying taxes because you atart off married. Send out wedding announcements or not.

Then if you want a big bash in a year, that is not a second wedding. It is a vow renewal. And a huge party. .

OP, was the pregnancy planned (or threw precautions to the wind)? It does sound like you roped in this guy in order to get a baby and husband in one stone, so that might be part of the hesitation with your family.

Anonymous wrote:OP you talk about "soften the blow" but IMHO it sounds like a bait and switch. To ask for your dad's permission to get married and then he finds out after that you are pregnant -- that would be a lot for my family. They are traditional and it sounds like yours as well. But it feels sort of fake. Even "waiting for a surprise proposal" sounds odd to me in your situation honestly. Maybe just immature under the circumstances and it seems that way to others too.

+1. Something isn’t right in OP’s version of the story

Anonymous wrote:Go to the courthouse and get married.

Then have a large party later after the baby is born.

+1

You are 35 years old. Grow up!

Go to the courthouse and get married.

Then have a large party later after the baby is born.

OP you talk about "soften the blow" but IMHO it sounds like a bait and switch. To ask for your dad's permission to get married and then he finds out after that you are pregnant -- that would be a lot for my family. They are traditional and it sounds like yours as well. But it feels sort of fake. Even "waiting for a surprise proposal" sounds odd to me in your situation honestly. Maybe just immature under the circumstances and it seems that way to others too.

Anonymous wrote:Truly, I do not judge you in that I also got pregnant before getting married. And we are doing very well, so I don't think it means your relationship is doomed by any means.

What I do think is a little odd is that you want to have things both ways: You want your dad to give "permission" for you to get married and have a big traditional wedding. But you also want to be a 35-year-old woman who can make her own decisions about when to have a baby and with whom. Sometimes you can have your cake and eat it too, but not here. I would let go of the idea that your dad is going to enthusiastically "bless" this wedding. If you trust your fiance and yourself, go forward with confidence. If not, ask yourself why.

Also:If you're planning to have a courthouse wedding, what's the holdup? Just do it now.

I agree with this - but it is SOOO hard to break yourself away from the indoctrination that your family has clearly instilled of some idea of purity and rituals of religion.

You want the baby. You’re 35. Do you love your partner? Because honestly, you don’t even need to get married. You can keep on as you are together until you decide and still commit to raising this baby together. But if you love him and truly want to marry, go for it.

You’re going to find once you have your baby that all of your family’s nonsense is just that - nonsense. You will love that baby. And you will make your own way. But you need to start now being ok with people not agreeing with everything you do or the way you do it. They don’t have agency over what you do.

Anonymous wrote:OP, get a marriage license next week, book an officiant (JP? Family lawyer?) and have a nice old fashioned (1950s, 60s, 70s, 80s) wedding ceremony in your dad’s living room with just the immediate family with cocktails and finger foods reception immediately thereafter. You can all wear Sunday best without going full wedding.

If you really want to do a big wedding a year later great - or maybe by then you’ll be happier going on a trip with husband and child.

If you and fiancé want to marry before baby comes, and want to do low key - just compromise and marry with your dad present. He wants to see you married, that’s sweet.

Omg hell no
OP this is 2025 no one needs to be married

Ignore them be happy and fir gods sake grow the hell up you are about to bring a child into this world

It’s none of their dam business if you are married

Oh gosh. "Unwed." That word belongs back in 1951.