Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100 people could have come to my house and it would have been useless since they couldn’t pump for me, breastfeed for me or make me not have to do it every 2-3 hours. Rather, I would have been locked in a room with my top off while they did nothing all day.

It all depends what you want, but we used that time to bond as a family.

I wish I had help because my mom was useless and DH was posted overseas. I could barely make enough milk because I never had enough food to eat. It was a nightmare. Take all the help you can get.

I helped two friends when they had a child with no family help. Both had completely useless husbands and this was their problem. I cleaned up house, cooked. Eashed

I did this and one friend was appreciative but the other treated me like her indentured servant actually screaming at me because I had not changed the sheets on her bed. I left and never spoke to her again

I ask my mom to delay her stay until a month in when I have my routine and know what help I need

Even if you don’t completely need the help. I’d say receive it. The less you can do those first months the better your healing process. So if they are the type that will cook and clean and do some laundry let him come! Sleep rest, spend time with your baby. This can also give you personal time if you want that. And time to share the special early days with family.

My sister was the first one to give baby a bottle because I needed a break. I wouldn’t have known to do that and she saw how tired I was, offered. Mom helps drive me to doctors appointments and when I needed to run small errands. These are all things that I could’ve done, but it was nice to not have to be the one in charge of everything. My husband had to go back to work right away so we didn’t have the extra hands. There were sometimes when everyone was home and as new parents having more experienced folks in the house, made a big difference for us.

I think what I’m trying to say is even though we have the ability to be independent and not need that help, help helps. It softens things and we really do need rest after having babies. It’s something that culturally we have lost but is super important for a long-term health.

Anonymous wrote:Surprised how many partners didn’t have or take parental leave. So important for the mom to have some help/that support. First few weeks can be tough.

My brother works at a company where all the head honchos are in their 70's and think the company should be run as if it's the 1980's. My brother was able to push through two weeks of paternity leave but not in time for the birth of either of his own children, four years apart. That's how much effort it took. For two weeks.

DP here.

I am South Asian and we have a culture of 40 days for post-partum recovery. Thankfully, my mum came for that period. My only task for first 2 months was to nurse the baby on demand. My mum and DH did all the care of the baby - burping, infant massage, bathing, rocking to sleep, holding her, changing diaper.

My mum and DH also took care of my meals, any help I needed etc. There were some strict medicinal healing practices too that my mum made sure that I followed (drinking warm liquids only, eating specific foods, staying in a warm room and keeping warm, not being exposed to any cold, oiling my hair, not watching TV or looking at any screen, hot medicinal massages, hot water medicinal baths, some specific hygiene routines).

We had a weekly cleaning lady for 3 months (later came every 2 weeks). As well as a daily hourly person, who also helped with buying groceries, food prep and laundry - for the first two months. Later she was available on an hourly basis as need be for organizing, prepping for food, parties etc. The first 40 days, very few people were allowed to meet me or the baby, and after that, we had a ceremony in which the baby (with a traditional feast) was introduced to our guests. So we had outsourced that bit also.

I think the first 40 days of recovery tradition is so strong in our culture that the entire extended family prepares for it. Also, we don't balk at the cost of outsourcing stuff or traditional customs (prayers, feast) that we follow - because these costs are factored into our budget. Many a times family will also chip in. Many a times, women go to their parental home to give birth so that they are well looked after and usually the elders will pay all the bills related to the birth and postpartum recovery.

30 yrs after my first baby, I don't know if I needed that much help - but I felt very supported, special, grateful and glad that I was looked after so well. I hope that I am able to do the same for my DD and DIL in future.

I was also extremely lucky that I was a SAHM and I did not have to return to work or put my babies in daycare. I think that is WAY more stressful for parents and baby than getting the postpartum help. In today's day and age, my DD and DIL will probably not have the luxury to SAH or take a break from working - and DH and I often talk about how we will support them with both postpartum help and childcare. A child/grandchild is a treasure for the whole family and everyone needs to pitch in.

Are you East Asian? Or from another culture where someone typically cares for the mother for a month after giving birth?

Anonymous wrote:If you're old enough to choose to get pregnant then you are old enough to take care of yourself and your child.

I don't think it's about age? Like, I didn't tell my mother "you're old enough to take care of yourself, woman!" when she had abdominal surgery and needed help getting up out of bed to use the bathroom.

I wanted company desperately but didn’t need any help. In fact, I think grandmas coming to help often means that husbands don’t step up or are pushed away from helping. It’s crucial to get your dh to help postpartum and to learn to care for babies. Also my friends with moms who came to stay for months didn’t go to the moms groups and had less social interaction. They were more isolated.

My mom was so angry at dh for taking paternity leave. She also wanted to stay in the hospital with me since that’s what her mom had done for her. Dh was so very helpful and loved cooking and cleaning for us.

I depends on how much they will help, what kind of delivery you have and if you need help nursing. Most babies are up every 2 hours or so (24 hours a day for weeks) so it's nice to take shifts and have someone bring you the baby, then chance it and rock it back to sleep. My mom stayed for two weeks and I cried when she left and I didn't even want her to come at first! Second kid is much easier, but then you need help with the first.

Anonymous wrote:My first we had no help lined up. She was born early and my parents happened to be in town when she came home and were anti-help. Like I ordered a few take out meals extra and my dad said he wasn’t hungry but then - while I was pumping - ate both my meals (dinner and lunch). He “helped” by paying for the food, but didn’t go pick it up. My mom “helped” by offering to go shopping with me (24 hrs post partum) for cute baby outfits and by putting all our laundry in our condo’s washing machines (she put in 3 loads) but then leaving for their hotel while it was running so I had to switch it, get it, etc. It was awful.

We had to feed our daughter every two hours (and set alarms to do that) and take her in daily to the hospital or pediatrician for blood draws (jaundice) and weigh-ins. They also told me I had to sterilize my pump parts (she was early and not nursing - barley was bottle feeding) and I didn’t have spares so I was doing that after each pump and getting no sleep.

After 2 days my parents left. After 4 we called my MIL in tears. She (a working nurse at the time) never took time off - she’d have entire years where she didn’t take a day off. She took 6 days with little notice. She came down and slept on our sofa (we were in a studio) and did everything. She made me breakfast while I pumped, stocked us up on toilet paper etc; cooked meals and froze them; changed our baby; took the middle of the night bottle from me as soon as I pumped so I could go back to sleep without then having to stay up and try to get my DD to eat (which sometimes took 45 mins or so) etc. She also came to appointments and asked helpful questions, supported my judgment when I thought the pediatrician’s opinion seemed off (I changed to someone else in the practice) and regularly stripped our DD and laid her in a sunny patch to help with her jaundice. It was a much needed re-set.

With our second we arranged for her to come for 2 weeks. I had no tearing, tons of milk and a baby who loved to eat and sleep etc. She was such an easy baby. Nonetheless, another set of hands for cooking, helping me get naps, keeping me company etc was great. My DH gets paid parental leave (I don’t) so he actually worked those two weeks and the started his paid leave when she left.

I love to hear stories of MILs who rock. I’m sorry your own family was unhelpful but glad you had extended family to jump in and actually help!

.I had to do some triple feeding the first week and that's very hard to do solo (my spouse was home and helped).

Anyone who comes in the first week is going to see quite a bit of your breasts, if you decide to nurse. It takes some time to get it figured out. If your mom or sister is weird about that, don't have them come.

My first we had no help lined up. She was born early and my parents happened to be in town when she came home and were anti-help. Like I ordered a few take out meals extra and my dad said he wasn’t hungry but then - while I was pumping - ate both my meals (dinner and lunch). He “helped” by paying for the food, but didn’t go pick it up. My mom “helped” by offering to go shopping with me (24 hrs post partum) for cute baby outfits and by putting all our laundry in our condo’s washing machines (she put in 3 loads) but then leaving for their hotel while it was running so I had to switch it, get it, etc. It was awful.

We had to feed our daughter every two hours (and set alarms to do that) and take her in daily to the hospital or pediatrician for blood draws (jaundice) and weigh-ins. They also told me I had to sterilize my pump parts (she was early and not nursing - barley was bottle feeding) and I didn’t have spares so I was doing that after each pump and getting no sleep.

After 2 days my parents left. After 4 we called my MIL in tears. She (a working nurse at the time) never took time off - she’d have entire years where she didn’t take a day off. She took 6 days with little notice. She came down and slept on our sofa (we were in a studio) and did everything. She made me breakfast while I pumped, stocked us up on toilet paper etc; cooked meals and froze them; changed our baby; took the middle of the night bottle from me as soon as I pumped so I could go back to sleep without then having to stay up and try to get my DD to eat (which sometimes took 45 mins or so) etc. She also came to appointments and asked helpful questions, supported my judgment when I thought the pediatrician’s opinion seemed off (I changed to someone else in the practice) and regularly stripped our DD and laid her in a sunny patch to help with her jaundice. It was a much needed re-set.

With our second we arranged for her to come for 2 weeks. I had no tearing, tons of milk and a baby who loved to eat and sleep etc. She was such an easy baby. Nonetheless, another set of hands for cooking, helping me get naps, keeping me company etc was great. My DH gets paid parental leave (I don’t) so he actually worked those two weeks and the started his paid leave when she left.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100 people could have come to my house and it would have been useless since they couldn’t pump for me, breastfeed for me or make me not have to do it every 2-3 hours. Rather, I would have been locked in a room with my top off while they did nothing all day.

It all depends what you want, but we used that time to bond as a family.

I wish I had help because my mom was useless and DH was posted overseas. I could barely make enough milk because I never had enough food to eat. It was a nightmare. Take all the help you can get.

I helped two friends when they had a child with no family help. Both had completely useless husbands and this was their problem. I cleaned up house, cooked. Eashed

Np in DC, had no family, no help. It was super tough but doable. I thought it was the norm until I learned how others family parachuted in. Many - not all - have problems with family to today. Pick your poison.

Surprised how many partners didn’t have or take parental leave. So important for the mom to have some help/that support. First few weeks can be tough.