Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found myself going down this road. Then I was checked by the thought of my own mother being so invested in and controlled by MY life as a teen who was just trying to figure things out. I would have hated it. I had friends with moms like this and I thought they were pathetic.

I wish my mother was invested. It would have strengthened our relationship. Wanting to know what is going on in child’s life doesn’t translate into being controlling. Part of being a parent is to talk to your child and help to guide your child through the challenges.

That is not what I mean. It is not healthy for a mother to have too little control of their own emotions to the point they are led by whether a boy is texting their dd or not.

I was like this last year when my oldest was a junior in high school. It was not good. They can also tell that you're overly invested which makes them hide more things from you because they think you'll be disappointed or hurt. You have to let go. Your job as a mom is to walk beside them, not be them. Act like the adult that they can and want to go to for advice and guidance.

I try to be a steady presence for DD. I ask my child what she wants or needs from me and I try to serve as a facilitator for discussion to the largest extent possible. She does not like to talk everything out, and so sometimes she just comes up to me and wants a hug. She won't say anything else, which is okay. I am not responsible for my child's happiness or anyone else's.

I was fortunate to have a mother who was very good at this growing up. What I realized is that I only needed to know she was there for me if and when I needed something.

If I find myself getting emotional about something with DD, I try to step back and process on my own or with DH or a good friend.

I also recognize DD is a very different child than I was and how she processes and/or perceives events is often different than I do. She also is growing up in a very different world than I am. She is entitled to her own thoughts and feelings without my judgment or interjection, provided her health and safety is not in danger.

Unfortunately, she likely has to experience some pain in order to grow and so I cannot and should not really stop that from happening. Sometimes it is tough to watch but also making sure I am spending time with DH and my friends helps put matters in perspective.

I don't think this is remotely an unusual feeling; it is just basic empathy, of course intensified by the closeness of your relationship with your kids. In fact, as another lawyer, I would go so far as to say that of course I empathize with my clients' emotions as well (when relevant), and more so, those of my friends, parents, DH, etc.

I think what is crucial is learning how to process those feelings and ensuring that they do not impair your conduct or relationships. For me, I am obviously bad at the initial boundary, but pretty good at compartmentalization. So, although this may sound oddly practical, I like to quite literally have something to do after a conversation has me "feeling someone's feelings"--work, an active chore, a social event, etc. The worst for me (dealing with a DC with anxiety) is to have this type of conversation right before e.g. going to bed (that would really be a sleepless night). With respect to kids, I also think again, quite literally, I would limit my involvement in their personal life as another PP suggested, and certainly would not be looking at texts or fishing for information.

Basically, I do not think you are going to just "stop empathizing" at this point, so I think you have to structure your life (sometimes quite practically) to ensure this is to the benefit, not the detriment, of your relationships.

Same here OP. It’s really hitting hard with middle school girl drama.

Maybe the answer isn't not feeling those feelings, but rather processing them in a healthy way apart from your kid so that you can then be there to support your kid.