I think you need to seriously consider divorce. This is no way to live. Nor or later, divorce. Would he be amicable? Do you have a support system outside of him? Would he want 50/50 and could he even do this with his schedule and his hobbies? I waited until my kids were 11. Nothing changed between the ages of 5 - when I realized I need out - and 11, which is when I got out; things got worse emotionally. Kids saw this was not a loving relationship. Now I am away and at peace. In my case, he gave up all custody though, so I didn't have to deal with the pain of seeing my kids for only half the time.

Anonymous wrote:Wow good luck finding a good man, nothing here sounds bad

Seriously!!

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hear it. I am in the same boat. I went for a trip for 4 weeks. I had to force myself to call/text him. But I have 2 little kids and I am not ready to divorce so I am stuck for at least another 10 years. Good luck OP! It is a sign you haven’t missed him in those 2 months / it is THE sign!

Whoa. If I was the DH, I would dump you!!
- DW

[quote=Anonymous]It always amazes me that posters will defend the husband on threads like this. I assume the defenders are men or women who thought OP was a SAHM. There is a lot of hate for SAHMs on this forum. Anyway, the guy hasn't planned a date in five years but has plenty of time for his buddies? OP, cut him loose now! [/quote]

This forum is heavily pro SAHMs. Every thread about the topic is bombarded with SAHMs/tradwives extolling their decision to quit working “because DH and I decided it’s best for our family.” The reason it’s important whether this woman has a job is because it changes how she should approach the idea of divorce. That you can’t see this tells me you don’t have a job.

OP, divorcing will affect your son’s life for the worse. This is purely anecdotal, but from what I’ve seen from divorced couples I know in real life, the sons are messed up by the divorce while the girls are generally fine.

Sorry I don’t find this divorce worthy. What you are really saying is you want more attention and think you can find some other dude who can give it to you? But you will be destroying your son’s world not to mention making your own vows meaningless and undermining your own integrity. I would never do this. Marriages go through ups and downs. He sounds like a great dad who needs space but works very hard to provide for your family. So many women wish they had this for themselves and especially their kids. Also, unless you are a vegetarian, it’s hypocritical to look down upon hunters/fishermen. Chicken farming is much crueler than hunting.

What you describe are minor issues and mostly make you sound like you are trying to impress a new group of striver friends. Hire a cleaner to come once a week. Find a shared hobby you two can do together. Many men out there may seem more sophisticated and interesting but they will turn out to lack the strength of character your husband has shown for you.

Sorry to sound mean but it’s the truth and I care enough to be willing to piss you and others off to say it. I think you are making a big mistake you will regret for your whole life.

Once the realization hits that life is easier without the spouse in it, and long term small resentments grow and become huge it’s a sign that the marriage is over. It’s almost impossible to regain respect for someone when that respect has been chipped away little by little over a long period of time.

A good friend going through a rough patch in her marriage once asked me when I knew my marriage was over. I told her it was when my life became more difficult with him in it, and when he became a burden instead of a partner.

OP fell in love with her husband knowing he had hobbies. But I’m sure when they were dating he devoted time and attention to her and their relationship. It sounds like his focus is on the hobbies only. I’m team OP.

Wow good luck finding a good man, nothing here sounds bad

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, op, he sounds like most men. Unless he is constantly criticizing you and being a Johnny Depp-level narcissist that gaslights you, then ditch him.

Not most men at all. This is not to make OP feel bad but to validate the feelings she feels. He’s making selfish choices. Many men are upstanding husbands and fathers, willing to put in 100 percent to my 100 percent- my husband is. Just validating OP that she doesn’t deserve feeling that way.

Read op’s post carefully. Her husband appears to have hobbies and appears to have always had these hobbies. She married him knowing about his hobbies and habits and it doesn’t look like he’s changed a lot- but she had a kid with him anyway.

Her example of DH criticizing her is him asking her “Why didn’t you tell me?” About a broken lightbulb. And he doesn’t do date night.

When you are in a bad relationship, you have examples at the forefront of your mind of terrible behavior. Not “why didn’t you tell me” about a broken lightbulb.

On the other hand he’s been gone for awhile and she’s fine with that, so maybe it is time to separate. Plus it appears their finances are separate too.

Everyone has hobbies before they have children. You are supposed to give them up or cut way back for several years after you have kids.

That’s where the time for raising your kids comes from. You give up or cut back on the other things you were spending your time on.

That’s not exactly what OP says. We are sort of extrapolating that he is spending too much time on his hobbies but that’s not quite what she says. She says she finds his hobbies “cruel” and that she is “second best” to his fishing buddies. That could mean that he is spending too much time on the hobby but it could also mean that she doesn’t want him to have hobbies at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It always amazes me that posters will defend the husband on threads like this. I assume the defenders are men or women who thought OP was a SAHM. There is a lot of hate for SAHMs on this forum. Anyway, the guy hasn't planned a date in five years but has plenty of time for his buddies? OP, cut him loose now!

It seems kind of clear that this is who he is and who he as always been. No one on these threads made her marry him. If he was such a doofus she shouldn’t have had a child with him but she did and now she has to consider the ramifications of giving her child a broken home.

+1

Best advice thus far in this thread.

Important to remember that we are getting only one side of the story.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, op, he sounds like most men. Unless he is constantly criticizing you and being a Johnny Depp-level narcissist that gaslights you, then ditch him.

Not most men at all. This is not to make OP feel bad but to validate the feelings she feels. He’s making selfish choices. Many men are upstanding husbands and fathers, willing to put in 100 percent to my 100 percent- my husband is. Just validating OP that she doesn’t deserve feeling that way.

Read op’s post carefully. Her husband appears to have hobbies and appears to have always had these hobbies. She married him knowing about his hobbies and habits and it doesn’t look like he’s changed a lot- but she had a kid with him anyway.

Her example of DH criticizing her is him asking her “Why didn’t you tell me?” About a broken lightbulb. And he doesn’t do date night.

When you are in a bad relationship, you have examples at the forefront of your mind of terrible behavior. Not “why didn’t you tell me” about a broken lightbulb.

On the other hand he’s been gone for awhile and she’s fine with that, so maybe it is time to separate. Plus it appears their finances are separate too.

Everyone has hobbies before they have children. You are supposed to give them up or cut way back for several years after you have kids.

That’s where the time for raising your kids comes from. You give up or cut back on the other things you were spending your time on.

+1

My husband played a lot of golf before kids. He also spent time with his friends at bars watching football on sundays. When we had kids he knew it was all hands on deck. Those things will come back but not to that extent and we both have developed new hobbies because immature people grow and change and are flexible.


I am not the same person I was when I got married 15 years ago and thank god. I would never hold my husband to that either.

Anonymous wrote:I'm asking because it matters- do you have a job that brings income?

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, op, he sounds like most men. Unless he is constantly criticizing you and being a Johnny Depp-level narcissist that gaslights you, then ditch him.

Not most men at all. This is not to make OP feel bad but to validate the feelings she feels. He’s making selfish choices. Many men are upstanding husbands and fathers, willing to put in 100 percent to my 100 percent- my husband is. Just validating OP that she doesn’t deserve feeling that way.

Read op’s post carefully. Her husband appears to have hobbies and appears to have always had these hobbies. She married him knowing about his hobbies and habits and it doesn’t look like he’s changed a lot- but she had a kid with him anyway.

Her example of DH criticizing her is him asking her “Why didn’t you tell me?” About a broken lightbulb. And he doesn’t do date night.

When you are in a bad relationship, you have examples at the forefront of your mind of terrible behavior. Not “why didn’t you tell me” about a broken lightbulb.

On the other hand he’s been gone for awhile and she’s fine with that, so maybe it is time to separate. Plus it appears their finances are separate too.

Everyone has hobbies before they have children. You are supposed to give them up or cut way back for several years after you have kids.

That’s where the time for raising your kids comes from. You give up or cut back on the other things you were spending your time on.

Anonymous wrote:It always amazes me that posters will defend the husband on threads like this. I assume the defenders are men or women who thought OP was a SAHM. There is a lot of hate for SAHMs on this forum. Anyway, the guy hasn't planned a date in five years but has plenty of time for his buddies? OP, cut him loose now!

It seems kind of clear that this is who he is and who he as always been. No one on these threads made her marry him. If he was such a doofus she shouldn’t have had a child with him but she did and now she has to consider the ramifications of giving her child a broken home.

It always amazes me that posters will defend the husband on threads like this. I assume the defenders are men or women who thought OP was a SAHM. There is a lot of hate for SAHMs on this forum. Anyway, the guy hasn't planned a date in five years but has plenty of time for his buddies? OP, cut him loose now!

Divorce