Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is such an unhealthy, transactional attitude.

Do what you're comfortable doing. Don't do what you're not. If you want to invite kids over to play, do it. If you want your kids' friends to stay for dinner, invite them. If you're happy to give them a ride, do it.

If it feels like an imposition to you, dial it back. Say no. Lay low for a while.

But don't just quietly judge people who don't reciprocate as "rude" and spend time and energy mulling on it while still inviting them over! If it feels like you're giving more than you want, dial back. Otherwise, enjoy your kids' friends and your full house and stop expecting payback.

We probably host kids to play... 10x as often as my kids are invited elsewhere? Who. Cares. We often feed those kids at those times. Who. Cares. Hosting is often easier because I don't have to schlep my kids'.

Do what works for you and your family and what you enjoy and don't worry about everyone else. People have struggles you don't know about or understand and community is Good.

I used to have this limitlessly gracious attitude until I realized some people are entitled takers. So I still host but those handful of people are out.

Some people really are entitled takers who have nothing to offer (especially in terms of character). They eventually show their true colors. It initially boggled my mind that these people felt entitled to every invite and a presence at even a small group play date while never having me over and getting pissy over small things.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is such an unhealthy, transactional attitude.

Do what you're comfortable doing. Don't do what you're not. If you want to invite kids over to play, do it. If you want your kids' friends to stay for dinner, invite them. If you're happy to give them a ride, do it.

If it feels like an imposition to you, dial it back. Say no. Lay low for a while.

But don't just quietly judge people who don't reciprocate as "rude" and spend time and energy mulling on it while still inviting them over! If it feels like you're giving more than you want, dial back. Otherwise, enjoy your kids' friends and your full house and stop expecting payback.

We probably host kids to play... 10x as often as my kids are invited elsewhere? Who. Cares. We often feed those kids at those times. Who. Cares. Hosting is often easier because I don't have to schlep my kids'.

Do what works for you and your family and what you enjoy and don't worry about everyone else. People have struggles you don't know about or understand and community is Good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think it's a bit odd when invite someone's child over and parent doesn't reciprocate by inviting your child over another time. (Only happened once; lacks a bit of kindness and give side eye in head but let it go.)

I am a foreigner. My child was invited to a someone's house to play 1:1 as playdate by a few families, only once from each family. It never come to my mind that I need to reciprocate by inviting their child over to my house to play. My house is too messy and cluttered to host. My child does not really play at home. We are out of house on weeknight or weekend most of the time due to activities. Do families expect me to reciprocate after one playdate only at their house for playdate?

Anonymous wrote:I do think it's a bit odd when invite someone's child over and parent doesn't reciprocate by inviting your child over another time. (Only happened once; lacks a bit of kindness and give side eye in head but let it go.)

Anonymous wrote:I think takers tell themselves stories, like “oh well they have a basement so it’s easier to host there,” or “well they only have 2 kids and we have 3” or “well our dog jumps a lot.”
It’s kind of bullshit IMO
The ratio at which I host the friend stuff is insane. I do it because otherwise my sensitive kid won’t have friend hangouts and will be super sad on weekends and instead on screens 100 percent of the time.
I do not so it because I think perpetually hosting is awesome. I like and need quiet time to do laundry too.

Anonymous wrote:This hasn’t bothered me in a while. I was glad my kids all have a lot of friends. I just feel like some people are just takers. They never offer anything, just take take take.

I know some people have difficult circumstances. I don’t necessarily think it has to do with money but personality.

I wonder if it is lack of basic manners? There are some kids I have hosted, driven, fed countless times with absolutely no reciprocity. Reciprocation can be in ANY form.

Anonymous wrote:I do not think it is transactional to notice patterns of effort. It is not about expecting payback. It is about how the relationship feels on the giving side.

Hosting is easy for some, which is great. For many parents, though, the planning, supervising, cleaning, and rearranging schedules is real work. When one family hosts repeatedly and the other never takes any initiative, even in small or simple ways, it can begin to feel imbalanced. This can happen even when the non-hosting family is not doing anything intentionally wrong.

Reciprocity does not mean keeping score or asking for identical invitations. It can be something small, like offering the next hangout, inviting the child to the park, giving a ride, or simply showing that the relationship involves effort from both sides.

If someone notices that they are always the one who steps up, it is not unhealthy or transactional to think about that. It is simply an attempt to make sure the dynamic feels mutual rather than one-sided.

Different families have different capacities, and that is completely valid. Mutual effort in whatever form each family can manage is what keeps relationships feeling respectful and sustainable.