Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything, obviously.

Jokes aside, a big part of this is luck. I know several families of 3-4 kids where 2-3 grown up kids are well adjusted but one is not. And that one was different from early on - spirited, sensitive, whatever you call it Some had some diagnosis and therapy, some didn’t. Doesn’t matter - some people just can’t deal with life like most other people do.

The key (IMO) is to realize there is something different and get your kid the interventions/therapy/tutoring/etc they need as early as possible. Basically get the interventions necessary to help your kid become "the best them they can be".

If you ignore the issues, they get worse and many times chances the kid's personality and makes it harder to help them later.

I have several family members who work in interventional services - for the interventions to work, it’s also a sort of luck. If you are one of those parents who worked tirelessly to get your kid help, I don’t discount your hard work, but you also have a survivor bias. There are limits to what can be done and when you see an adult who is not well adjusted, maybe that’s actually the best they could be.

Exactly what I meant by "be the best they can be". I LITERALLY stated that. I recognize I was lucky and my kid had "minor issues".

But nobody will ever regret getting the interventions to make their child the best person they can be given their situation. Anything you do will help some, you won't know the level of help until you give it 100%.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything, obviously.

Jokes aside, a big part of this is luck. I know several families of 3-4 kids where 2-3 grown up kids are well adjusted but one is not. And that one was different from early on - spirited, sensitive, whatever you call it Some had some diagnosis and therapy, some didn’t. Doesn’t matter - some people just can’t deal with life like most other people do.

The key (IMO) is to realize there is something different and get your kid the interventions/therapy/tutoring/etc they need as early as possible. Basically get the interventions necessary to help your kid become "the best them they can be".

If you ignore the issues, they get worse and many times chances the kid's personality and makes it harder to help them later.

Actually, the best results I’ve seen IRL are in families that didn’t do extensive interventions but rather spent their money and energy on 1) drumming into the kid’s head “you must work, no work = we are kicking you out of the house on the street” and 2) making the housing situation the priority - if buying a cheap condo means the kid is staying home for college, than that’s it.

That might work if the kid is neurotypical and doesn't have any real major issues other than being obstinate. For a kid with learning issues, severe lack of Exec Functioning, major anxiety, etc, doing that will not produce good results. Your job as a parent is to help them, and if you do that right, they will have the tools to function. Without, you will hate your kid, and view them as a "failure", when it's you as the parent who has failed.

You obviously do not have a non-neurotypical kid PP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything, obviously.

Jokes aside, a big part of this is luck. I know several families of 3-4 kids where 2-3 grown up kids are well adjusted but one is not. And that one was different from early on - spirited, sensitive, whatever you call it Some had some diagnosis and therapy, some didn’t. Doesn’t matter - some people just can’t deal with life like most other people do.

The key (IMO) is to realize there is something different and get your kid the interventions/therapy/tutoring/etc they need as early as possible. Basically get the interventions necessary to help your kid become "the best them they can be".

If you ignore the issues, they get worse and many times chances the kid's personality and makes it harder to help them later.

As a parent to a SN and NT child, this is important advice.

I think it's a good thing that a lot of people on here have the common sense to be humble and admit part of it just how the kid was born. OP, your first post trying to quantify is basically a litmus test for parents who are out to lunch. If anyone thinks that their kid turned out well all because of their outstanding parenting that is likely a red flag. Yes, parenting matters, but every single involved, caring parent who really strives to do the right thing and puts in the effort daily has had some struggles with at least one kid and has a big question mark about how that kid will turn out. It's our duty to truly do the best we can and not use the "I tried my best" as empty words, but there are so many other factors.

How are you defining " successful" and "well adjusted?" Do you understand those are not always static? The partner in a law firm finds out her husband is having an affair and becomes depressed and cannot perform at work. Her kids start struggling in school because they cannot handle all the upheaval at home. She gets therapy, takes meds and then finds out her husband is trying to get spousal support and full custody of the kids and things start to spiral and she needs to take a medical leave from work and can barely get out of bed. Is this the result of bad parenting she received as a kid? Is she still a success and well adjusted according to you? Should you judge her at all when she didn't set this into motion?

A guy gets his ivy degree, was a top athlete has a great job and is well liked. The company he works for gets taken over and eventually his job is eliminated. He's middle age and it's hard to be on the job market at his age. His spendy wife does not want to stop spending and the debt accumulates. They have marital problems. His in-laws and parents have various medical emergencies that require trips to visit and lead to arguments with siblings over care and whether it's time for AL. The kids start to act out at school. He's now unemployed, headed for divorce, on the verge of estrangement from his siblings and his kids are having troubles. Is he still your definition of successful? He can barely function from all stress. Is he well-adjusted? Should we now look at his aging parents and blame them for the fact he is falling apart?

Agreed!

Kid 1 was always "slower, just met most milestones right at the final time to be normal". By age 2.5 realized they needed speech therapy, so started that and kept it up. By 2nd grade, realized while they were "smart", they just were different and struggled with reading. School said they were "on target", so we spent the $$$$$$$ and got the educational part of neuropsychological testing done. Turns out they were really struggling with reading/processing. So started them in intensive tutoring over the summer before 3rd. That meant 2-3 days per week for the entire summer at $100 per session, with an amazing tutor (trained in Linda mood bell for processing disorders among other things), also learned kid had no executive functioning so tutor helped with that immensely. Got the rest of the neuropsychological testing done a few months later and identified anxiety, again lack of EF and a few other things. Got kid into 1-1 therapy and group social skills therapy and kept up the intensive tutoring (2 days/week during school year). All this while kid continued their music/karate/baseball/basketball/etc.

But you know what---by MS they were done with the therapy and social skills and had a great MS experience from both the academic and social aspect. Had we not done that, things likely would have fallen apart in MS and kid would have really hated/struggled more with school.

Kid kept tutoring up thru 10th grade, and afterwards just for classes that needed it. They went directly to college 2K miles from home at a T100 school. Had a rough first year adjustment to academics at college (largely because of the major they wanted, and had to realize that premed/PT was not the right path for them), once they found the right major they turned it around, graduated on time (with a 3.45 GPA ultimately, which was amazing given the first year in premed courses and what it did to the GPA even with some W's), started a job at great company 2 weeks after graduation and is doing well 4 years later.

so it worked out well for us. But had we not had the $$$ to do private interventions, the school thought nothing was wrong (kid got A/Bs and was "on grade level" according to them). I knew something was off. They were diagnosed with ADHD in college, (which I likely knew they had all along but with all the interventions they didn't meet the official definitions). Key was giving them the tools to learn to cope/manage their differences in life.

Now, we were lucky that they had relatively "minor" issues in the grand scheme, but the same applies to everyone. Do what you can to make them the "best they can be". If you don't intervene as a kid, you might have them living in your house and struggling with life as an adult. So you want to try to turn that into something positive for everyone

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have your eyes wide open about emerging problems. Be humble and willing to see when your parenting or life choices is part of the problem.

If you divorce, be very clear eyed about how it affects them emotionally and how it sucks up their time and bandwidth.

Yes! Make yourself an anxious mess about all the things you may be doing wrong and blame yourself endlessly - this will make your kids happy and well adjusted.

Denial, defensiveness, and exaggeration spring eternal.

As is attribution bias.

Anonymous wrote:Dumb luck.

I really do believe this.

My siblings and I, now in our late 30s to early 40s, are all responsible, financially stable, and good parents—but that doesn’t reflect our upbringing. We grew up in a deeply dysfunctional, emotionally unstable home, and two of the three of us are in therapy because of it.

I struggle with anxiety and depression and often wonder how I keep going on days I just want to stay in bed. Therapy is helping, but the scars of childhood never fully fade.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a successful, well-adjusted person with terrible parents, I’m sorry but this is genetic luck of the draw plus basic financial comfort.

As a parent of twins, I second this, coming from a different perspective. My kids are vastly different people, raised in the same house with the same values, broad childhood experiences/exposures, and financial situations. They're only 20, so hopefully in a few more years I'll say they're both well adjusted adults, but right now, I'd only wager a large bet on one of them. I don't know what I did right, and I don't know what I did wrong, so I'm accepting neither blame nor credit.

You had your own twin study
This is good reminder that much of what we think is our influence is actually random genetics.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have your eyes wide open about emerging problems. Be humble and willing to see when your parenting or life choices is part of the problem.

If you divorce, be very clear eyed about how it affects them emotionally and how it sucks up their time and bandwidth.

Yes! Make yourself an anxious mess about all the things you may be doing wrong and blame yourself endlessly - this will make your kids happy and well adjusted.

Denial, defensiveness, and exaggeration spring eternal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I know this is sometimes controversial, but I believe being a stay at home parent keeps you on top of what's going on in their lives. That plus, prayer and luck.

Nope
Bye Ma’am

-1

As an educated upper-middle class mom, I actually agree with this. That's not to say you can't have wonderful kids if you both work, but for many families a stay-at-home parent is key. It absolutely keeps you on top of things.

Anonymous wrote:Have your eyes wide open about emerging problems. Be humble and willing to see when your parenting or life choices is part of the problem.

If you divorce, be very clear eyed about how it affects them emotionally and how it sucks up their time and bandwidth.

Yes! Make yourself an anxious mess about all the things you may be doing wrong and blame yourself endlessly - this will make your kids happy and well adjusted.

I made them my priority. I read to them a LOT when they were little. I left the full-time workforce when my first was a toddler and went freelance. This meant I worked only during the hours they were in school.

I was there when they got home, offering advice and a shoulder to cry on. I engaged with them, helping with homework, sorting out social issues, encouraging them to cook with me. They knew (and still know) they could call me as late as they wanted to if they needed me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything, obviously.

Jokes aside, a big part of this is luck. I know several families of 3-4 kids where 2-3 grown up kids are well adjusted but one is not. And that one was different from early on - spirited, sensitive, whatever you call it Some had some diagnosis and therapy, some didn’t. Doesn’t matter - some people just can’t deal with life like most other people do.

The key (IMO) is to realize there is something different and get your kid the interventions/therapy/tutoring/etc they need as early as possible. Basically get the interventions necessary to help your kid become "the best them they can be".

If you ignore the issues, they get worse and many times chances the kid's personality and makes it harder to help them later.

Actually, the best results I’ve seen IRL are in families that didn’t do extensive interventions but rather spent their money and energy on 1) drumming into the kid’s head “you must work, no work = we are kicking you out of the house on the street” and 2) making the housing situation the priority - if buying a cheap condo means the kid is staying home for college, than that’s it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything, obviously.

Jokes aside, a big part of this is luck. I know several families of 3-4 kids where 2-3 grown up kids are well adjusted but one is not. And that one was different from early on - spirited, sensitive, whatever you call it Some had some diagnosis and therapy, some didn’t. Doesn’t matter - some people just can’t deal with life like most other people do.

The key (IMO) is to realize there is something different and get your kid the interventions/therapy/tutoring/etc they need as early as possible. Basically get the interventions necessary to help your kid become "the best them they can be".

If you ignore the issues, they get worse and many times chances the kid's personality and makes it harder to help them later.

I have several family members who work in interventional services - for the interventions to work, it’s also a sort of luck. If you are one of those parents who worked tirelessly to get your kid help, I don’t discount your hard work, but you also have a survivor bias. There are limits to what can be done and when you see an adult who is not well adjusted, maybe that’s actually the best they could be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everything, obviously.

Jokes aside, a big part of this is luck. I know several families of 3-4 kids where 2-3 grown up kids are well adjusted but one is not. And that one was different from early on - spirited, sensitive, whatever you call it Some had some diagnosis and therapy, some didn’t. Doesn’t matter - some people just can’t deal with life like most other people do.

The key (IMO) is to realize there is something different and get your kid the interventions/therapy/tutoring/etc they need as early as possible. Basically get the interventions necessary to help your kid become "the best them they can be".

If you ignore the issues, they get worse and many times chances the kid's personality and makes it harder to help them later.

As a parent to a SN and NT child, this is important advice.

I think it's a good thing that a lot of people on here have the common sense to be humble and admit part of it just how the kid was born. OP, your first post trying to quantify is basically a litmus test for parents who are out to lunch. If anyone thinks that their kid turned out well all because of their outstanding parenting that is likely a red flag. Yes, parenting matters, but every single involved, caring parent who really strives to do the right thing and puts in the effort daily has had some struggles with at least one kid and has a big question mark about how that kid will turn out. It's our duty to truly do the best we can and not use the "I tried my best" as empty words, but there are so many other factors.

How are you defining " successful" and "well adjusted?" Do you understand those are not always static? The partner in a law firm finds out her husband is having an affair and becomes depressed and cannot perform at work. Her kids start struggling in school because they cannot handle all the upheaval at home. She gets therapy, takes meds and then finds out her husband is trying to get spousal support and full custody of the kids and things start to spiral and she needs to take a medical leave from work and can barely get out of bed. Is this the result of bad parenting she received as a kid? Is she still a success and well adjusted according to you? Should you judge her at all when she didn't set this into motion?

A guy gets his ivy degree, was a top athlete has a great job and is well liked. The company he works for gets taken over and eventually his job is eliminated. He's middle age and it's hard to be on the job market at his age. His spendy wife does not want to stop spending and the debt accumulates. They have marital problems. His in-laws and parents have various medical emergencies that require trips to visit and lead to arguments with siblings over care and whether it's time for AL. The kids start to act out at school. He's now unemployed, headed for divorce, on the verge of estrangement from his siblings and his kids are having troubles. Is he still your definition of successful? He can barely function from all stress. Is he well-adjusted? Should we now look at his aging parents and blame them for the fact he is falling apart?

Anonymous wrote:As a successful, well-adjusted person with terrible parents, I’m sorry but this is genetic luck of the draw plus basic financial comfort.

This. My mother LOVED when people asked her advice because we seemed to turn out so well-top schools, impressive careers, etc. Her behavior behind closed doors was disturbing and at times abusive and her golden child who could do no wrong has set her entire life on fire with her entitled and chaotic behavior-job, family, friends and she will not consistently get mental health help. Since she was the star of the show, mom has gone completely over the edge and can no longer put on an act in public.

DH and I both came from messed up parenting and we coped by getting out of the house often and absorbing ourselves in schoolwork/clubs/leadership opportunities. Not knowing what happened with his siblings (another post) people would ask his mother for advice on how she raised someone so incredible and she was as delusional as my mother and would give advice.

My teenagers are doing well, and I have to humility to understand that part of that is luck and circumstances and it could change. I know plenty of good parents struggling with their teens and adults.

Have your eyes wide open about emerging problems. Be humble and willing to see when your parenting or life choices is part of the problem.

If you divorce, be very clear eyed about how it affects them emotionally and how it sucks up their time and bandwidth.